Realizations

Today I woke up. Today I realized I was afraid. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live. I find defeat in everything and anything. I find I feel that success or peace is not meant to be mine. I want it.. but yet I feel I am one of those doomed people who will never have it.



I have a song I've been listening to. The first part describes exactly how I feel right now. And since I can't seem to get it out on my own... here it is



"Soul Meets Body" By death cab for cutie



I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new



Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a placewhere they’re far more suited than here







There is much more to the song... but those parts are exactly how I feel. I don't feel like my ideas are suited for me. I don't feel like I can even do anything. I feel failure before I've begun.



Obviously I am struggling with a lack of trust in God. Moreover a trust in who he made me. Its like I don't want to be me anymore.



More than that even I am disappointed in me. God made me different. Unique in so many ways, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. I have become complacent. Accepting... that this is the way life is. I find I am going with the flow, following the rules of the world, not my own, not Gods. I hate lemmings, and I feel I have slowly let myself become one. I see the worldly ways and see people have success from it. I envy this. I want it for myself. Yet the only thing keeping me from jumping full on the band wagon is the fact that God has made me different. I know I would never be happy being like everyone else... and I've tried.

I am still trying. I feel the sting from being unable to be like 'normal' people. I don't own a house, or a nice car. I am a single, divorced mom, of one. I don't have the 2.5 kids, 2 car garage, or the husband. Even if I'm not supposed to because I'm divorced, theres still the sting from the constant singleness. Since I am single I'm supposed to be on ther prowl, or dating. Then theres the I'm single and pretty factor, which causes alot of people to ask, why aren't you out meeting people at clubs. Why aren't you out getting wasted. I'm not doing any of these things. I don't want to. But I feel like I should be doing these things. And I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know who made all thes darn rules about what I should be doing with my life. I want to know why I stuff my wants away and accept what the world wants for me.

Rawr. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I don't like me at all.

Insanity. Becoming a lemming. Running away from who I am.

I just read a blog by a girl named Kellie Hazen. Or A note or poem. It was beautiful. She asked when was she gonna be more like God. Thats the perfect question. The question I need to be focusing on. Not focusing on being like the world, focusing on being more like God. Being more like the way he made me.



I dont

Snow Daze

So for the past Seven days, I have been snowed in. Thats right. At first It was great. Beautiful, fun, white, clean, wonderful SNOW. But today its a drag. I've become stir crazy and worse yet, forced to dwell on thoughts I otherwise don't deal with.

The snow does start off all wonderful. I snows while I sleep, I wake up and realize... well I'm stuck at my house. YES... STUCK. I'm not like most lucky people, I don't live next to civilization or on a county road. My road, doesn't get plowed, or sanded, and while most people are able to leave their own driveways, my car gradually became covered in 18" inches of SNOW!

My parents took me to their house for the first Three days. I quaded, kept entertained, enjoyed Jennys party on friday. Then to my dismay, I got frustrated. I quickly realized just how lucky I was before this fatal snowfall. I could go anywhere I wanted on a whim. A drive, to shop, to go get a coffee... but now I can't. Its amazing how quickly us Humans adapted to instant mobility.. and how hard it is for me.. to unadapt.

I have been forced to sit at home, watch movies, journal, text, and worst of all THINK. I don't even know why, but I hate thinking about my life right now. Its a burden. If I can avoid the reality of my situation... I do! Its difficult. I have been successful at not worrying, which is a huge feat for me, but me doing this successfully means, for me, that I avoid even thinking about it. Now I'm not gonna get into it all.. I'm just going to say its a God thing. God sent this Snow... maybe for me... maybe for alot of us.. but I like to think.. for me.. to force me to think about my life.

Today, by the grace of God, my dad decided to clear my road. He told me he didn't think I'd make it all the way out to Highway 9. I had to try. I got in the car, cruised up the road, made it up the hill.. only to have my car get stuck on ice... ! I had to be towed out. I could see the highway. I was almost free. But I wasn't, it was Gods way of showing me where he felt I was. It was so not AWESOME! To see it Gods way. Here I am always thinking I am right, believing I am perfect, that I got it right, all the way to his highway, that I was living the way he wanted. But then again, now in reflection I know I am not. I went stir crazy, but in the midst of it all, I cried. The reality was I didn't want to get out of my house, I wanted to get out of my own Brain. If I can't even deal with reality, if I have to escape, somethings not right.

So I must submit now. To the forces against me. To the forces that want my betterment. I submit to Gods love. He wants me here, he knows I need to be here, I just have to hear it now... I need to embrace Gods love.

Empty

So here is my new poem. Its kind of depressing as I am trying to be positive and happy... I still find it really easy to be...

Sorrowful

So my poem is called Empty

Enjoy!

My thoughts cannot be tuned by fading heart
cancer has striken my soul
It feels as though water has flooded my lungs
and my life torn apart
Aching, dying, last breathe, I'm thrown to the coal
this battle for me so lost
I see now that Im the one who is to blame
the searing lights lost their rung
Everything fallen apart, nothing the same
who I am, not what I was
Can you cure this disease of a dying soul
are you even listening
Beautiful disasters of life created by you
empty ignored, and unloved
I wait for you, restore this small empty crate
full cherished, and loved by God
Even when all I truely am isn't worthy
God will you restore this shame

Twilight Experience

For those of you who do not know, I became a serious fanatic of the Twilight series over the last year. I read all the books, saw the movie more than once and even dreamt of being bitten. However this blog isn't a critique on my favorite set of novels, or new favorite movie. Its about how easy it is to hope, to believe in something as non existant as Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Nothing about him is real, yet people around the world, have become facisnated with him as though he was real. Now I am not saying people truely beleive in him. But what I am getting at is the fact that it is so easy to beleive in something as make beleive as a vampire, yet the belief in God is often criticized. God has become the stuff of fiction. Science seems to try to exist with out faith. With out hope.

Hope isn't always easy. Neither is faith. To beleive in something you can not see and something you do not understand takes courage. I would have to say that reading a ficitonal book and becoming an avid fan gave me hope that people, perhaps, weren't lost at all. I believe God has just become harder for us HUMANs to see. His love, goodness, patience, mercy, joy, faithfullness, has been drowned out by our media, by our own negative thoughts.

Humans are programed to remember pain... it keeps us alive. iT keeps us from repeating deadly mistakes. So its easy to sit in front of the TV, or read the news paper and take in all the bad. For every 10 negative stories we hear about there might only be one positive one. We feed on the fear, on the negativity. We dont see the miracles. We see people loosing their homes, going hungry, terrorism in hotels, wars brewing... so we ask.. HOW could God allow all of this. God isn't good. He can't possibly exist in a world this bad, and if he does, he must not love us.! Right?

I feel bad for God sometimes. He gets a bad rap. He gets lumped in with us Humans. Just because we are bad. If we do something terrible, God gets blamed. The opposite doesn't tend to happen. Someone gets a great job with benefits an great pay and buys a beautiful house, they say I am so glad I got that education and that I worked so hard. God isn't part of why those things happened, yet when that same someone looses their home and job.. they say why God... WHY!

I believe now that you have to give people hope, feed them miracles, and then God would become easier to see. Our world drowns out hope. The one we have accepted any way. The majority of us have accpeted that miracles just dont happen anymore. Some of us have fought. Some of us keep fighting. We used to have shows like fact or fiction, unexplained mysteries, Real life miracles, but those shows have disappeared. I believe small shows like that, will keep people curious. Keep people hopeful.
I believe hearing about miracles, something unexplained will light a fire in a person. Keep them alive in the soul. I would call this the Twilight experience. Just reading about it would make you want it to happen to you.! So as member of our society, we should keep trying to find a way to feed other people hope. I want to do the same, I will do the same. I will work hard to focus on the good.. and faith wont seem so hard. Hope will become easy, and miracles they would happen daily.


My friend Heather told me last night that it snowed in Texas.! It took a lot of faith to just believe her text, but then I saw the pictures, and then I beleived. My point being it takes faith to believe. Sometimes we wont always be allowed to see the snow.. but faith.. makes believing.. and believing creates hope.

If we can believe it snowed in Texas, and that Edward Cullen truely is the perfect boyfriend, I think we can believe that God is Good and that he loves us. Its time for all of us to have a Twilight experience.

Police Agility Test

So Saturday, thats tomorrow, I go in for a police officer agility test. I have been practing for the test. I had talked to several other candidates looked online and got the minimum passing requirements. I trained enough to be able to pass those.

The minimum requirements were 30 situps in sixty seconds. The situps being brutal. You start off flat on you back, knees straight up, and hands clasped behind your neck. As you come up into the situp your elbows must touch your knees, and as you go down your knuckles must touch the ground. You can not bounce. Someone will also be holding your legs in place.

Then you must to as many consequtive pushups as possible. minimum is 21. You must be as flat as possible and go down 4" from the ground and then all the way back up, to where your arms are completely straight.

Then there is the 300 meter sprint, which is nearly one lap around the track. The minimum time is 71 seconds.

Finally ther is the 1.5 mile run. The minimum time to complete this run is 14:31.

If you don't pass any of these by the minimum you instantly fail. So if I do the the minimum I keep moving on to each physical test. However this doesn't mean I get a passing grade. AND I just found this out this week. THe minimum wont give me enough points to move on. I have to increase everything. Now this isn't easy. As it takes time to get faster, muscle, and the building of strength and endurance.

I need in order to pass to do 28 push ups, 4more than I currently am able to do. 34 Situps, in sixty seconds, 4 more than I practiced, and I barely made 30 in sixty seconds! I need to run the sprint in 63 seconds, nearly 8 seconds faster than I can now... and I am running darn hard. And I need to do the 1.5 mile in 14 minutes I can currently do it in 1420. This sucks for me. They are all small adjustments but in running seconds are hard to makeup and catch up. In the sprint, I am running already as hard as I can, I can't imagine going any faster but I have to inorder to move on.

So right now I am discouraged. I know I won't pass. I may come close, but I wont move on tomorrow. So yeah, it sucks.!

Memories

When I think back to my road to becoming enviromentally aware, animal friendly, and in love with all things natural, I realize my journey didn't start this year it started many moons ago. I remember shopping with my childhood bestfriend, Heather, when we were young. I'm not entirely sure how old, but it was before either of us could drive. Heather always had crazy ideas. She danced freely, loved independently and with out borders, and well most everything about her is unique, even the way she taught me to shop. Well we were in some store, lets cal it walmart, and we were probably arguing about what deodarants smelled better or which soaps were better for your skin. As we argued in this section of the store, she turned over the package she was holding, so I did the same. In my head I was ready for the competition, I thought she wanted to see the ingrediants and compare them. I was wrong, as soon as I turned my package over, she put hers back on the shelf and went to the next item. I asked her what she was looking for, she was looking for the words 'proctor and gamble'. She said if it had those words, she didn't want to buy the item. I asked her why and she explained to me that this company was a major sponsor in animal testing. She wanted to buy a creulty free product.

I don't think that before that moment I had really thought about the items I used. I didn't even realize that shampoos or toothpastes may have been used on an innocent kitty or puppy to get approved for me to use. Ever since that moment, I always turn the items around looking to see if it says not tested on animals or I look for the leaping bunny symbol which tends to mean the product is vegan as well as not tested on animals.Its strange how certain people set the pace for the rest of your life, how one event can effect you for forever and influence even the smallest of habits, my consumer habit.

I disagree with animal testing. If you have to test it to see if its going to burn someones skin off you probably shouldn't be using that dangerous chemical. Whats wrong with using natural ingredents, ones we have know about and have cleaned ourselves, our homes, prettied up our faces with for the last few thousand years? This new obsession with better feeling hair (chemicals killing your cells, in order to give the illusion of soft hair) or softer skin (aluminum entering you pores, opening them to give the illusion of soft skin) seems very shallow to me.



So if you are at all interested in finding out what products are not tested on animals visit leapingbunny.org. They have a list of make-up, household products, hair care, and body care vendors that are all animal cruelty free.

Aching week

So its been a while since my last post. I have alot on the brain and for some reason or another can not get it out in any meaningful or comprehensive way. **SIGH**

Well for those of you who don't know, tomorrow I am going in to take a civil service examination. Its basically a psychological examination of my thinking and its to see if I can think enough like a police officer is supposed to. I am excited. Not afraid or nervous yet.

I went out and got the perfect skirt to wear to look all professional. I've practiced how to wear my hair in order to look 'copish' and tried to practice a confident demenor as I know our presentations will also be graded tomorrow.

If I pass this exam I go on to do a physical agility test. Which training for sucks. I can't do a 300 meter sprint in under a minute followed by 30 something pushups in 60 seconds and then follow it with 40 situps in the next 60 seconds and then a 1.5 mile run in 14 minutes. ALL CONSECUTIVELY. My body aches just practicing. I am sore all the time and not getting much faster or stronger.
FRUSTERATING. I want to be a police woman... just not a woman in pain all the time!

In the mean time I am also attempting to enroll at city u. To finish my psych degree. I am unsure about this. Its gonna cost me 30K to finish. Thats a lot of money just so I can do it all online.

ARGH if only life decisions were easy!

So the only happy thoughts I have to look forward to is the fact that I am going to twilight with my sisters and my BFF Jenny on Friday morning at 12:01! WOOT. !
So maybe after Twilight has left the system.. my thoughts will be clearer... less corupted by edward. Jacob.

Let the Earth Quake

This is similar to my last post. I've been going through a lot lately. With business being slow, and the world being an expensive place, I've felt really low. I was loosing faith, and questioning my Gods will. I feel like I've been through enough. I asked... can't it be 'easier'?

Lets start with the things I know. The things that are true.


I am lucky. I was born in a free nation. A nation of plenty. I've not ever had to need or want for any of my basic needs to be met. God is a GOOD God.

Now for what I've been dealing with. I don't know why I doubt God. My thoughts can be my worst enemy. That is where I fall. I may know that GOD is good. But I start to question it. I start to think of all the things I have learned. Anthropology, history, all the ways in which humans create a need for GOD. All the ways in which GOD hasn't proven himself in human history or in my own life. I feel frustrated that I even do this. I am mad, because its all untrue. I know exactly how he changed my life. HOW he saved me. At the time certain events may have seemed so awful and felt terrible with no understanding of why why why... (much like how I feel right now).. but in the after math they make sense. There are events that still hurt and cause pain to think about, bu I see now that if they didn't happens other things would have never happened, other lives would have never been changed...

I truly trust God. I know he gave me free will. Its my own will that makes me falter. ITs me who pulls away. He knows I will to. He knew me before I was born, he knows how I will be what I will do. Its frustrating. I wish I was less prone to falter.

I know I am silly. But I have been struggling so much that when I prayed... I said GOD just tell me what to do.

And here it was. I turned on the radio...


"Our Hope Endures"

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

ITs amazing how God works. Even with a difficult circumstance. I need to have a hope that is unchanged. I need to not waver, even in my own thoughts.

Its a process getting it right. Not one of us is perfect. We are just supposed to try.

What does it all mean

Just heading to bed... and couldn't get alot of junk out of my head.

So what does it mean to be Christian?

Am I less of a Lover of my Christ because I consider myself Democratic?

Am I non christian because I survived a Divorce?

Does God love me less because I he allows me to struggle?


Pain. Suffering. Heart ache. Money problems. Hunger. Loss of a loved one.

Why is it allowed?

I don't know why. But In a world that became corrupt so many moons ago... Its amazing still how Gods love heals all of those things.

He brings life, healing, restoration, blessings, and so much much more.

I keep praying for Gods love to wash over me to encourage me.

It hasn't happened yet. But I have no doubt that at any moment...

He'll be there... doing what he does best.. Getting me through this most difficult of moments

Comparing the great D to now

So here we are in the midst of an all out economic crisis. We could have seen it coming. We should have. God gives us rules to follow. To help one another, to not have more than we need, to learn from the historical mistakes of others.... we didn't.

So here is my comparison and contrast. I would love to have peoples feed back, opinions, etc. So feel free to reply to the following.

The 1929 Crash began in October. (creepy eh.. end of September early October now.. .and we are falling). It started because investors saw the value of their stocks fall, so they sold their stocks. Making the stock market continue to dwindle . Thats is exactly what we see happening now. It took 3 full years for the lowest point of the crash, but if nothing is done, we are well on our way to a similar situation.

Now I am not saying a crash in the stock market will cause a great depression again, and nor am I saying it did before. There are alot of factors that took place in the 1920's that are similar to today. We have very little buisness activity. We primarily buy our goods overseas. Prices are sky rocketing, and yet the value of an object is dwindling.

We have to realize no all americasn share the same wealth as some of us do. Most families have very little to no savings at all. No health insurance, thus costly medical bills, most people can't afford the goods in the average market so they go into debt in order to keep up with the status quo.

We don't produce many of our own crops or even goods and services any more. Many of our cars, cattle, food, clothes, jewelry, food ware, etc, are from a foreign country. Thus taking money out of our economy. I am not saying that world wide exchange was bad, but we relied to heavily on it.
In the 1930s overproduction was another casue of teh fall. Buissinessses produced more goods than people could buy thus had to close when their costs came crashing down on them. Todays era stores, car lots, have purchased bulk items for the American people, what happens when we are all to afraid to go out and spend? People loose their jobs!


In the 1930's when banks failed many people were in heavy debt with no way out. SOUND FAMILIAR? People lost their savings, retirement funds dwindled, and the people lost their confidence in the economy. Buisness also lost confindence and started laying off workers, thus more workers lost their jobs, less bills were being paid, thus more banks failed. Do you see how one thing effects another here? Do we even understand how similar our circumstances are right now to the Great depression of the 1930's?

The frightening things that happened during the 1930s like banks immediately foreclosing on homes when people fell behind thus people lived in shelters or cars, could easily happen now.

At the time of the 1930's President Hoover didn't believe that the fedral government should step in to help the people. (THE ONE GOOD thing I will say about Bush is atleast he beleives they should). Hoover eventually realized he had to do something and created new jobs and proviced relief and aid for the unemployed.

These are scarey times. If you don't know what could happen look up the great depression. Look up what people had to do to surrvive. they lived in horrible circumstances and ate from soup kitchens once per day.

If we as a people deem some CEO worth 19 million dollars , and the rest of us worthy to live in a cardboard box, there is something wrong.! We need to take a stand. Start supporting one another. Stop being Greedy.. AND I don't know.. Live the way God calls us to perhaps?

not alone

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I miss having the type of companionship a husband, even a sucky one, can offer. I don’t miss my ex-spouse, but I do miss certain elements. I miss being touched, having someone to help me at night with my baby, and mostly just having someone to talk to about my most random of thoughts.


I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.

So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.

Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.

So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.

I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.

Mind your own P's and Q's

Yesterday I was at the Grocery store grabbing some items. While I was there I saw a woman leaving the store, she was crying. I, being in my own little world, minding my own space, looked the other way. However a little boy, maybe not so little, about 11 or 12, ran over to her and started to ask her why she was crying. His mother, mortified, snatched his arm and pulled him away, and said to her son "mind your own P's and Q's. Its not your problem or you buisness"

After this scenario, I sat there STUNNED. I was like that mother, wanting to leave that woman alone. I had learned to not be authentic to not be real. That womans son hadn't learned that yet. He was concerned, as should I have been and everyone else.

We tend to go about the world in our own little Bubbles. Minding our own buisness. Why do we do this? I dont really have an answer, other than to say we are selfish beings, but also because we are taught its wrong to be involved. I know that sounds like a contradiction to the many political campaigns and other commercials we hear.. They say DO something, get involved, make a difference... yet when we do we are more often than not shut down.

Let me explain. When I was married, the family I was married into was emotionally and spirtually unhealthy. They would wrong me and I would cease to trust them. I would be called unforgiving, but I had forgiven them. I just didn't want to let them belittle me again. I wanted to see a quality change in their lives, I would say.. something like "in order for you to get X you have to show me Y" thus I would be deemed judgemental. I was deemed judgemental because I wanted to improve their life. Thus I became afraid of being involved with them or telling them my thoughts, and more and more afraid to stick up for my thoughts outside of my family life.

I notice these type of things in alot of situations. When a person sticks up for what they beleive and what they saw Jesus stick up for they are deemed Judgemental. Its almost as if we aren't allowed to hold anyone accountable for fear of the stigma that we are 'Judgemental'. So if doing something means we are judgmental.. then doing nothing and ignoring a problem in my eyes makes you a lemming.. FOLLOWING one after the other and jumping to your doom.

I argue to say then being 'Judgemental' is far better than being a lemming. That woman in the store was crying. Who knows why. I didn't bother to ask. I should have. Even if it was her fault she was crying. Maybe she lives with a man who keeps emotionally abusing her. She could leave. I could have lovingly said you know you need to leave, if you dont he will keep abusing you and you are enabling his actions thus equally at fault at this point for allowing yourself to be abused. She might say I was judging her. But judging and accountablity are so close. I am not talking about bad judgements here.. like I see a dirty man on the streets.. who looks like a Bum and I instantly think BUM, Alcholic, etc.. thats a bad judgement.. one not even based in truth. I am talking about the judgementalism that gets us involved.

IF we see a bad situation we need to get involved. We see a woman crying. We should attempt to see if she needs something we can offer. We may only be able to offer a hug.. but shouldn't we try? Why should we not get involved. Why is it ok to not get involved? If we see someone getting beat to death. Its not a judgement to say that this situation is wrong. We are enabling the beaters and beating the victim if we watch or even if we walk away and ignore. To sit there while someone is being beat and do nothing is wrong.

I can't always mind my own P's and Q's. Nor should I. I don't care if I seem Judgemental any longer. I don't care if my caring drives away people. Because the only people I am driving away will one day need someone to care.. someone to JUDGE the situation they are in, hold them accountable, help them, and NOT enable them. So if you see someone in need of help don't be afraid of what could happen of being judged or judging. God calls us to hold up our brothers and sisters. To not let them fall. He calls us to sin no more. Doing nothing is a Sin. Standing idly by is a SIN.

follow this

I just read the most intriguing blog I suggest you all go check it out at http://brokentelegraph.com/
the latest blog entry is about the dangers of being nice and not good.

I have never really thought about this before. Nice versus Good. To me the seemed virtually the same. But my eyes were opened. Truths were spoken to me.

Nice is sugar coating an event or ignoring one all together, Good is being honest and loveing and speaking truth even if it means hurting someones feelings.

My life is full of nice people. We go about our ways in a very nice manner. We don't invade peoples space, we don't confront anyone who doesn't ask for help, and we don't question someones motives even if they appear nice. I am one of these nice people in my own life. I see things and do things that take away my own character and the character of others. I am nice so that I don't have to be uncomfortable or so that Ie do not have to make anyone else uncomfortable. I don't fight for the things I should.


I don't want this anymore. I want myself to be strong. To be good. I want to speak the truth in love, I no longer want to be fearful of making someone uncomfortable or even myself for that matter.

Sigh. There are so many areas in my thinking that are changing. So many matters of my heart are dissappearing and then new ones, ones that are truely relevant are appearing. God is changing me. Change. My heart is changing, my soul is changing. God is working so hard on me. Hes forming me and YES I am fearful. He asks alot and it is frightening to do something I don't feel I can do! HOWEVER I trust his work. I trust him and I KNOW I am not alone... SO I am getting over my fears and opening up my eyes to his workings in my soul.!

Am

so I have been scoping at other peoples blogs and seeing what other people rant about.

I came across a young girls blog (http://the-in-between-girl.blogspot.com/) and she made a super cool collage on her blog to show an outfit she wanted to wear.

So I made one to show in some way or another who I am

What do you deserve?

Ask yourself.. what is it you deserve? Do you deserve the current situation you are in? Yes the choices we make land us in some crazy messes, but other peoples choices effect us as well. If your parents are drug addicts and homeless you and you are too.. was it your choice? Do you deserve that? If your born into a rich family and you do nothing with your life but spend, do you deserve that? If you are born in Africa and starve to death, did you deserve that?

I ask this because it is a serious issue in many peoples hearts and thoughts. Many people believe we deserve the situation we are in.. poor earned the right to be poor and rich the right to be wealthy.
If you are born in another country, one that women are not allowed to pursue an education, do you desrerve that?

We are taugth from the moment we come out to pursue the job that makes us happy, yet makes us money. So if I truely pursued the job I wanted, I'd be one broke woman. I love to study and talk Egypt. There is no money in this. Some jobs by nature make more money, ie doctors, but not everyone can be a doctor. We need Cops, we need nurses, we need janitors, we need garbage men. Yet if we are not Doctors and garbage men instead we make just 1/10th the amount they do. We have chosen to be poor.

What I don't understand is why we label one job more important than another. Why we put a price on a job. A police mans job is highly important. S/He protects the road, my home, and my family. When I am in danger s/he puts their life on the line for me. Yet his max average pay is $85,000 per year. Even with an education. The doctor saves lives. He works long hours and endures stress. His max pay is almost undefinable, but rarely over 2 mil a year. Both these jobs are important. We need both of these jobs. So why is one deemed worth more than the other?

I don't believe anyone deserves more than another. Yes we make choices. But what we do for a living and what we make financially shouldn't mean we deserve to not eat or have health care or shelter over our heads.

Sigh. Jesus wanted us to be equal to care for one another. To share. His darn ideals were closer to socialism and communism. (NOW MY FELLOW READERS LOOK UP THESE IDEAOLOGIES AND THEIR DEFINITIONS B4 JUDGING ME. COMMUNISM IS A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT. YES PEOPLE ARE TO GREEDY.. BUT MAYBE SOME FORM COULD WORK. THE NEXT SOCIAL MOVEMENT SHOULD BE CALLED JESUSISM.)

So yet again, here I am frustrated at the worlds view point. Wanting to wash worldy thoughts from my brain, and think for the world not with it.

Those Damned Scientists

Those darn scientists. They are at it again. Trying once and for all to prove that life outside of our bodies does not exist. The University of Southampton is launching the world's largest-ever study of near-death experiences this week. The AWARE (AWAreness during REsuscitation) study is to be launched by the Human Consciousness Project of the University of Southampton - an international collaboration of scientists and physicians who have joined forces to study the human brain, consciousness and clinical death.
They define death the following way : Contrary to popular perception, death is not a specific moment, scientists say. It is a process that begins when the heart stops beating, the lungs stop working and the brain ceases functioning. In short The AWARE study is basically just a way to prove that all those folks who have had near death experiences, seen God and all that other jazz that happens when you die or come close to dying, is crap. They want us to believe that its chemicals and mis-firing synapses inducing the images in a dying brain.


Scientist and theoristis go around trying to prove that God and the after life do not exist. They either do it by studying things like the AWARE group or by saying that God is just purely made up. You see religions can be very similar. One Ultimate or supreme being, they all encourage you to be moral and help your neighbor, they all state that there is some form of life after death (heaven , reincarnation... etc), they all state that we come from one mother or Orgin (eve, earth, etc) and they all believe The End of Days. It's just about unanimous that, at the end of the world, there will be a great battle between good and evil, and Final Judgment will be made.

So the thought behind alot of thinking to disprove GOD (and what used to be my own) is that if they are all similar they are all mythological and made up crap. Now I believe strongly in a GOD who loves me. I found that my thinking and studying and finding these similarities only eventually led to an affirmation of belief.. I could never quite disprove God in my own mind.

Any ways.. why .. why .. why can't scientist let well enough alone.? Say I am wrong (which I AM NOT) but lets just say for their sake there is no God, no after life. Then what is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of being kind to one another, of doing things right, of taking care of the Earth.? If there is no after life then none of the crap we do matters. So if it didn't matter I believe we'd all become depressed and just Blow our earth to peices so much faster than we are now. So why do the scientist want to depress the rest of mankind just because they can't fathom the idea that some one some where created them and loves them?

So anyway I do think the study is a cool idea because I am betting on GOD and betting they wont be able to explain anything that happens with anything but the following statement "We have yet to discover why people experience certain events while their body is physically dead. We will continue researching these types of events and until we have a more clear understanding and broader study group, the answers to life and death will remain a mystery". Some thing like that will do!

Take a stand

Take a stand. DO SOMETHING. This is what I frequently tell myself.

As a Christian... and a blessed individual, I should do what I can for those who can not do for themselves.

Many people ask.. why should I do anything at all. I ask why not? Why should we not do what GOD has called us to do.. HELP our FELLOW man out. ITs wrong to ignore the many issues the world is facing. Animal cruelty, animal extinction, and global warming, pollution. God Gave us this place... he commanded we care for it... and here we are trashing it. It is also wrong to ignore the HUMAN CONDITION. Poverty, starvation, illnesses that can be prevented, dehydration, malnutrition, lack of education, homelessness.. and so many other things.

Why do I, and so many others ignore the realities of this place. Why do I pretend that since I don't see the suffering its not truely going on. Can I really sit here and just rant and do nothing. Can I sit here and see it occur and do nothing! I know its going on.. maybe I don't see it.. but its real. I think its a sin to do nothing. God didn't just sit around, he took action. I believe that he wants us to take action as well.!

There is only one planet.. EARTH and there is only one people.. GODs people.


So I got to thinking... what issues effect my heart most. Poverty and homelessness. So todays lesson is about Poverty.

Thanks for reading.

So I got the following information from DOSOMETHING.Org

11 Facts about Global Poverty

1. Half the world – nearly three billion people – live on less than two dollars a day.
2. According to UNICEF, 26,500-30,000 children die each day due to poverty – that’s 18 children dying every minute, a child every three seconds.
3. About 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water, and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation.
4. For the 1.9 billion children from the developing world: 640 million are without adequate shelter, 400 million do not have access to safe water, 270 million do not have access to health services.
5. About 2.2 million children die each year because they are not immunized.
6. About 1.6 billion people – a quarter of humanity – live without electricity.
7. Over nine million people, of which five million are children, die worldwide each year because of hunger and malnutrition.
8. Over 11 million children die each year from preventable causes like malaria, diarrhea and pneumonia.
9. About 20% of the population in the developed nations consume 86% of the world’s goods.
10. The poorest 40% of the world’s population accounts for 5% of the global income. The richest 20% accounts for three-quarters of world income.
11. Around 27-28% of all children in developing countries are estimated to be underweight or stunted.

Background on Poverty

There are plenty of statistics and data about global poverty--these are just a few:

• Each year, more than 8 million people around the world die because they are too poor to stay alive.
• Over 1 billion people—1 in 6 people around the world—live in extreme poverty, defined as living on less than $1 a day.
• More than 800 million go hungry each day.
• Over 100 million primary school-age children cannot go to school.

Nearly 3 billion people—half of the world's population—are considered poor. Lots of men, women and children endure unimaginable obstacles that prevent them from receiving their basic human rights.

When the UN created the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948, the signers proclaimed that all people have the right to education, work, health and well-being. Today, however, millions around the world are too crippled by poverty to fulfill these basic rights. Millions continue to go hungry. Scores of children never step inside a classroom. Families watch their loved ones die from largely preventable causes because they do not have access to adequate medical care. In essence, poverty is a denial of human rights.

SO lets do something Fellow readers get involved.! Go to dosomething.org or

Take a Stand Against Poverty

Take a Stand Against Poverty - join the 43.7 million people who've demanded a more urgent political reponse to global poverty.

Over 43.7 million people, in 127 countries have broken the Guinness World Record – set last year at 23.5 million – for the largest number of people to “STAND UP AGAINST POVERTY AND FOR THE MILLENNIUM DEVELOPMENT GOALS” in 24 hours.

In 127 countries, millions stood and spoke out to demand a more urgent political response to the growing crisis of global poverty and inequality. They called on their world leaders to keep their commitments made in the Millennium Development Goals.

Add your voice today! -- http://standagainstpoverty.org/report/2

Rain

Yes I will do the rain dance. I love the rain. I hear so many of my friends and radio host say" We had a terrible summer, and here comes that darn rain". I find that amusing. Its like people dont know where they live or are just to stubborn to get it. I just want to say "HELLO this is washington not california.. you want blue skies and warm weather MOVE"

I love it in Washington. I find the weather to be a perfect. It never gets to hot or to cold. We don't have any drastic weather conditions, and the rain leads to the most beautiful green I have ever seen.

Today is supposedly one of the last nice days we will see in a while. Alot of people are sad about it. I guess I will miss going to the beach and the river. But I love the rain. FOR some odd reason I find my happiness when it pours. I love to just sit in it. To let it drench me. The rain brings me a peace that no amount of clear waters and blue skies ever could.




The only way I truely appreciate a non rainy day is at night. The night sky almost brings me as much peace as the rain. I feel close to my creator both when dancing in the rain and sleeping under the stars.

Sigh I love my home. I love the rain. I love the sky. I love God

Rain dancing away...

I love it so much I made this:

I'm Fat, a passing thought

The way we look at women, and a womans body has become an intense sociological job, Everyone has a set standard, everyone has a view point, and for the most part, being thin has been the standard since the 1960's. Thanks Twiggy. Women have a tendancy to obsess with how they look, and historically speaking a womans body was always under the microscope, but more recently the womans body equals health and happiness.


As a society we are growing heavier and as we get older we do gain more weight , our body preferences are growing thinner. Being thin, thin is defined by Hollywoods veiw point, is seen as the only way to be satisfied with ones self. Thinness will lead to a great man, great sex, and a great job, thus a happy and full life. Despite the concerns of feminists and other observers, body image issues seem to be only growing in importance. With movies like 13 going on 30 and the women trying to promote a change in magazines, trying to push them toward real women, I still only see a lean toward the unreal, the ungettable look.

This obsession with the way women look hasn't helped us see ourselves for what we are. If we are on the heavier side we are judged as lazy and unhappy. If we are 'too' thin we are seen as bitchy or snobby. Feminism doesn't always free women either. It hasn't helped society see women for real women, but at the same time feminist ideal pushes us to stray away from things women are naturally good at nurturing, thus we tend to no longer nuruture ourselves or our bodies. Then hollywoods standards are very obvious. Watch any show. A man can be heavy and bald, and moderately if not completely unattractive, but still have a successful show. However his wife is always super attractive. She is thing and her hair is always long and thick. As a society we pride ourselves as being advanced in thought, but I ask how is putting a woman in a BOX an advanced thought?

I know that appearance has always been important. Being heavy used to be a status quo. If you had some chunk you were obviously wealthy because you can afford to eat not because you were lazy. Being tan hasn't' always meant you had the money to lounge around and be a bronzed beauty, it used to mean you were a laborer, the poor portion of society. Appearance has always mattered, but what we are supposed t look like changes.

According to Psychology today, when most people think of body image, they think about aspects of physical appearance, attractiveness, and beauty. But body image is so much more. It's our mental representation of ourselves; it's what allows us to understand ourselves. Body image isn't simply influenced by feelings, and it actively influences much of our behavior, self-esteem, and psychopathology. Our body perceptions, feelings, and beliefs govern our life plan who we meet, who we marry, the nature of our interactions, and our day-to-day comfort level.

The thought is "if I were only 5'5 and 115 lbs have clear skin and great hair, I'd have it all'
I just want to know this, how come what we weigh equals self satisfaction?

For the most part what society expects becomes what is real. Unrealistic expectations become reality. In order for a man to see a woman as attractive, she has to be thin. In order for him to fall in love she has to be hot. AND vice-versa. Women wont go seeking a relationship unless she feels comfortable with her body and very rarely do women over size 12 feel okay with their bodies, thus the whole system is pushed into overdrive -- reaffirming that size matters. When in fact it doesn't.. it is our damn perception!


Sigh. I woke up today and hated my body. Normally I am completely comfortable with it but I realized I am Fifteen pounds heavier than I want to be and I don't look the exact way I want to. My world is a slightly lonely place and today I blamed my body for it. Stupid societal expectations. Even my girlfriends who are highly advanced in many thoughts, still influenced todays reaction at myself. They are beautiful and thin women.. I am bigger than most and yet they still see themselves as FAT so.. how do they see me? I MUST BE HUGE! Then I know my reactions at myself will influence them. Perhaps they see me as thin? and my thinking I'm disgusting will only encourage their further thinking they are disguisting as well! RAWR cycles, I hate them.!


This whole way of the world and its damn importance was not an is not how God wants it.
How do I change my own view point? How do I see me for me? How do I say I am beautiful to God and that all that matters? Today its going to be a struggle. Everyday is. But I need to smack myself and say I am beautiful to me and to God.. SO SCREW the worlds idea.!

So to my fellow readers:

Lets start a new fad, a new trend, a new view point,

LETS LOVE OUR BODIES JUST THE WAY THEY ARE

opposite way

So being single in this day in age is like being on a game show. Its unrealistic and the expectations and goal are just not worth it. Todays society tells me that when I meet a guy, I should be sleeping with him by the end of the first date... and in love after we've had sex.

Its not like when I am around a nice man I don't want to kiss him; but the thought doesn't go much further than that. For starters I can't fathom the idea of sleeping with some one I dont first love, and secondly I can't fathom sleeping with someone I am not married to. I know that sounds seriously old fashioned, and I really dont care. Society has set the pace. I have seen a few people just a few run the other way.

In the United State, the new idol worship isn't a wooden statue, its the lives of the rich and famous. We strive to do what it appears they do. For the most part people with in hollywood do what we expect.. they set this pace of unmarried sex and quick fixes. However I have seen 2 examples of famous people attempting to RUN the other way. The Jonas Brothers a famous boy band on Disney is wearing purity rings. Purity rings are worn to symbolize that fact that the wearer intends to stay pure until marriage. They were made fun of at the VMA's and only 2 people stuck up for them. One was Jordin Sparks ( a fellow purity ring wearer) and Paris Hilton.



Its not shocking that they were made fun of. The shocker was that Paris Hilton, a pace setter in the flesh, stuck up for them. Sigh. I wasn't sure what to make of all of that. But maybe even the pace setters wish they too could run the other direction.

With the majority of people believing that sex is dating. How do I expect to meet a decent man who is not retarded with society? Can I stay true to my own personal expectations? Or will societal pressures, norms, and a man I think is hot convince me other wise?

Dating, a Really scary idea. Actually getting along with a man long enough to make him commit to be my boyfriend ... and to commit to the same principles and or similar ones.. almost seems impossible. LOL.


So all this ranting was brought on by my new favorite song:

Opposite way by Leeland. Lyrics:

Living in the same town
for all these years
Doing the same old things
hanging with the same crowd
and it's starting to get crippling
you never felt in place
and you tell yourself it's all okay
but something's different today
you want to run the opposite way
and it seems like you're locked in a cage
and you need to find a way of escape
when everyone's setting the pace- it's okay to run the opposite way

and the Father sent his Son down
the Light of men
the cross he bore was crippling
rejected in His own town
and they couldn't see the Sun shining
He knelt in the garden and prayed
Father let this cup pass from me
It's not Your will for me to stay
Your will for me is the opposite way

and it seems like He was locked in a cage
and He couldn't find a way of escape
but through the cross He conquered the grave
my Jesus ran the opposite way

Oh, and through the cross He conquered the grave
Oh, He ran the other way
Yeah, through the cross He conquered the grave
So you could run the opposite way

Sisters

Most people know that I have 6 sisters. Yes , crazy I know. I am the oldest of all Six. In the line up its Myself, Karissa (full) Monica (step) April (half) Todd (the one and only brother making 7) Sarah & Malerie (twin step sisters) and Julia (half). Of my six sisters and one brother I only get to see 3, therefore I am only really close to those three.. .Karissa, Sarah analerie.

Karissa and Sarah are a unique brand of beautiful and fun. They love make up, being dressed up, and looking good. I have yet to see Karissa have a bad day in over Ten years. Its amazing how she always glows. Sarah strives to be like her.. . sometimes taking it to far and becoming snobby, which Karissa isn't.. except with Clothes... but never in the general sense of snob. They love their bodies, they love to eat, and their confidence in the way they look in general is awe inspiring. To be that comfortable is what all women would like to be.

During the summer months and early hunting season Karissa and I get the privilege of taking care of our younger sisters. Sarah seems to always get stuck with Karissa. Or better put Karissa gets stuck with Sarah. They have fun eating, watching movies, and just cruising the town. As for Malerie, she gets stuck with me. We have a totally good time as well but tend to be the Odd sisters in the Gang.

I love all my siblings, however; I have a very close kinship with my sister Malerie. Even though we are only step sisters, it is like we are genetically linked. we have similar taste in things, activities, boys, and similar view points on life in general. We love to play and do weird and random things as well.

In July alone Malerie and I did so many random things, I was considering writing a book entitled.. How to survive a sisterhood of weirdness. Our first adventure was tubing down snoqualmie river. This ended badly. The river went at less than one mile an hour, and our car was 3 miles away. We ended up walking the majority of the shore, getting stuck in mud, smelling like fish, climbing rock walls, getting yelled at by farmers, and running across farm land with our pink rafts around our mid section. A very hilarious scenario in retrospect.

Our second adventure was in our traveling to tonasket to my parents property. The trip started with random photos of random sites, me unknowingly showing my underwear to everyone in Omaks Walmart, and my daughter rolling away in the shopping cart about 10 car lengths away from me with out me noticing :(. During the vacation we went quadding in the okanagon where we went past a crazy mans house, saw deer, and almost hit 'wild' cattle. To add to the craziness of us, we jumped off a paddle boat into a freezing cold lake, jumped onto and climbed giant rocks, and ended our adventures attempting to walk like deer.

Our latest adventure was to Forks. We went there on a whim. Our favorite book twilight was written and supposed to take place there. We took the ferry over to Kingston, and while on the ferry... I unwillingly showed half the ferry my underwear. I was wearing a skirt and outside, and well the wind just exposed me immediately upon movement of the ferry. On our way to forks we laughed and listened to great music, all while ignoring a very unhappy daughter of mine in the back. (she cried the entire time) . We talked about how weird we were for traveling 4 hours just to go to forks. We thought for some reason we were unique. When we arrived in Forks we learned we were not the only wierdos. Thousands of people had already come before us and probably twenty earlier that day. Apparently we aren't the only people who love Jacob and Edward with all our hearts.. to the point of obsession. The trip wasn't a complete waste though, we saw all the sets to were the movie (that was made on our book) were shot. We found a beautiful beach (rialto) and had a great time.

Sigh. Summer is over. Who knows when malerie and I will have more wild and crazy strange fun.

I love my sisters.

Pibbins

My little one, my sweet little girl, is almost Two. Its amazing how time flies. The moment she was born she amazed me. She came out 9 lbs and 3 oz. She had fat rolls on her fat rolls! Her chubbyness shocked me and still does. I remember a week before she was born my Doctor told me that he estimated her weight at just over 7 lbs. he was so wrong!

The way she came out set her pace for life. She will always amaze me. Lately the thing that has me being an overly proud mother is her language development. It has taken off over these last few weeks. She has always loved to coo, and chat, but nothing more than a word or two until recently. She is talking so much. Some of her blubberings even resemble sentences. I hit my head yesterday and she said "ow, mommy mommy okay?", then she kissed my head. Even though my head hurt, my heart soared with pride. My little girl is becoming a compassionate human being. One with her own thoughts and own concerns.

One of my favorite things she says lately is "my pibbin". Pibbin is just her word for Blanket. She loves her blankets lately. She has 4 she drags around. She covers her dolls with one and then greedily covers herself with the others.. then throws them off of her and leaves them in random places, then screams for me to find them... "mommy MINE MINE Pibbin!".


While on the our way back from Eastern Washington this weekend, a fly landed on her 'pibbin', she freaked out and started to cry. The stupid fly then preceded to land on her making her scream and now any time she sees a fly she starts to cry... even if its a mile away. She hates insects all because one stupid fly landed on her special 'pibbin'.


Not only is she speaking amazingly well , and deathly afraid of insects, she is almost fully potty trained. She has no accidents during the day anymore! I am unsure how long it will be until she is trained thru the night, but I am very excited about the fact that she is now Day Trained!


Sigh. I am just a mother totally in love with her daughter!

Perfection

Its a matter of time. Before we all fail at something. Its so easy to be human. My question for everyone is.. is there ever a time were we dont fail? Jesus was perfect. 100% flawless. Was anyone even close? like 80% ? I can say for myself.. I fail alot. I find that I am in the 20ish% maybe under .. LOL.. category.

So Authenticity. Its my goal now. Being authentic. Real, assertive, and loving. Even if I get better at these things.. will I ever reach over 40%? or is this percent crap just retarded? It is. I know. We are either perfect, thus being God, or we are imperfect thus being Human. This is something I am coming to terms with. Being ok with an imperfect life.. and circumstances.. or atleast my ideas of perfect. Being ok with the fact that I am only Human. God forgives and infinitely loves me.. this is something I dont do this for myself. I don't always forgive myself... my expectations are that of the worlds.. and not of Gods. I know I need to be real.


I believe my attempts to change, to better myself, my spirituality, my life, etc. will not only make me a better friend (eventually) but will influence me to reach out more and more to my heavenly father.

I am hoping that my fastlessness will only encourage my search for the authentic self. To find the truth in the fact that imperfection makes me beautiful. That my human ways and attempts and successes to be better will bring a smile to my Creators face.. and that I can truly believe HE loves me. I am so grateful that God has forgiven me and that He infinitely Loves.


Forgiven

All the bad I've done
The cruelty I wished for
I ask it all to be undone
The lies and deceit
all the absurdity in this world
I pray it to be cleaned.
These moments in life
so few, unable to look back
I wish for it all to be forgiven
Stupid mistakes
or maybe just one
can it be forgotten
Loud and forever lost
what happened to my land of trees
Lord please bring the peace I need

That was a poem I wrote a few years ago.. when I was still searching to be 'perfect'... but what I find so interesting is that somehow even before I knew Gods love... I knew that the only way to find peace and 'perfection' was thru Gods forgiveness, thru being real.

Heavy Heart

So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.


I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.

I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.

Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.


So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.

I need GOD.

A Goal Of Fastlessness

So my Goal Starting August 14th is to not be :"FAST Less Ness" for 30 days. This means no fast food or shopping... ie.. starbucks, smoothies, subway, slurpees, chinese from safeway, and many other things that I love so much. I am also not going to purchase clothing, shoes, hair crap, or DVDs.. meaning for me no target or walmart.

The goal of my "Fast Less Ness" is to say to GOD.. Hey I love you more than I love me. So not getting a coffee ore a sub sandwhich for thirty days will be hard, but I think God is more important than my instant self gratification.

I am excited to do this, and scared to fail. So all of my friends I need your support!

Going Green In Truth

Now in my close circle of friends I am the hippy. I am the one who doesn't shower often enough, or shave frequently, and the one who says dont use that lotion or that deodarant.. it contains Aluminum. I get lovingly teased by my close friends for being this way. So as I become more aware of the products I am using, and after meeting my new BFF Maria, I have become dangerously interested in becoming "more Green".

What does this mean to me and how I encourage my circle of friends to become more bodily and earthily aware is a totally different process. Going green is difficult. Its expensive, hard to come by all the products you are after, and well some of the things are just really different and weird thus making it harder to buy.

After alot of research I have discovered disturbing things. So many things claim to be all natural .. a natural cure, natural hair product, soap, etc... but they too contain toxic chemicals! (SHOCKING I KNOW LOL :) )

I find that there are two groups of people, people who do it natural, or people who dont. If you do it natural you dont use normal medicines or eat normal foods. If you dont , YOU dont. Well there needs to be a nice happy medium. There are harms in being all natural, the possibilty of eating or injesting ecoli or the fact that any and all organic products simply mean they dont have to go thru regular FDA approval. Which is scarey to me.. its like drinking bottled water, the idea in many peoples head is its better than tap water. Not true, being bottled means it doesn't have to under go the same testing or doesn't have to be as clean as the water that comes thru the tap. Tap water is better.. just ask your neighboring geologist, enviromentalist, or biologist. Then the harms of being non natural such as the fact that we are developing an intlorance to medicines, and germs, thus super germs, and viruses are being created.

I think Green or not, what ever category you find your self in. The best way to be is: aware! Be aware if your product has harmful chemicals, if its safe for you or not. Green or not, its important to know what you are injesting or using.

I found a great article at http://www.greenyour.com/lifestyle/personal-care/deodorant that I recomend you all read. Its regarding the dangers of aluminum, but also the dangers of not knowing whats in your 'green' item.

I also lovingly found a list for all of you of products found in everyday body lotions, shampoos, underarm deodarants, etc... that are not so good for you and why.!


Here are the ingredients to be most wary of on labels, and why.
Coal-tar colors
So-called coal-tar chemicals are found in many "FD&C" or "D&C" colors used in makeup and hair dye.

Health Problem: Allergens and irritants, possible carcinogens

Safer Alternatives: Annatto, beta carotene, carmine, hematite, henna, iron oxides, titanium dioxide (nontoxic, but can cause lung irritation if inhaled as powder)

Lead
A brain- and nervous-system toxin as well as a known carcinogen and hormone disruptor, lead accumulates in the bones. It is found in lead acetate in hair dyes and makeup.

Phthalates
Used widely in fragrances, deodorants, nail polishes, hair products and lotions, the oily texture of phthalates acts like a moisturizer and helps lotions penetrate skin.
Health Problems: Various members of this family of chemical plasticizers have been found to produce cancer of the liver and birth defects in lab animals.

Dibutylphthalate (DBP) is of particular concern because documented exposures are high and its health effects are potentially very serious. In nail polish and mascara, DBP helps thin films stay flexible, reducing brittleness and cracking. Animal studies show that DBP causes birth defects and harm to male reproductive organs. Timing of exposure was critical: Harm was done to animals exposed in the womb or shortly after birth.

A 2002 Environmental Working Group (EWG) report found DBP in 37 nail products from 22 different companies

Alternatives: Phthalates often "hide" behind the term "fragrance;" choose products labeled "fragrance-free" or that are scented exclusively with pure botanical or essential oils. Phthalates are also present in, and can evaporate from, soft vinyl (PVC) toys, flooring and other products, which should be avoided.

Preservatives

Bronopol, often listed as 2-bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol, can contribute to the formation of cancer-causing nitrosamines, according to the FDA. It can also break down to produce formaldehyde


Formaldehyde, found in eye shadows, mascaras and other cosmetics, is "reasonably anticipated to be a human carcinogen," according to the National Toxicology Program's "Ninth Report on Carcinogens" (January 2001)**. The EPA classifies it as a probable human carcinogen.
In its liquid state, formaldehyde, present in the ingredients DMDM hydantoin, diazolidinyl urea imidazolidinyl urea and quaternium-15, can be absorbed through the skin and nails. As a volatile organic compound, or VOC, formaldehyde evaporates when the product is wet; levels drop sharply once it's dry. Consumer concern has led many manufacturers to remove it from their nail polishes.

Health Problems: Breathing formaldehyde fumes has been associated with many types of cancers, including those of the nose and throat. Levels of formaldehyde in air as low as 0.1 ppm (parts per million) can cause burning sensations in the eyes, nose and throat; nausea, coughing and wheezing.

Imidazolidinyl urea can trigger contact dermatitis in sensitive individuals.

Mercury: a tiny amount of this potent nervous-system toxin, which accumulates in the body, is allowed as a preservative in eye-area cosmetics.

The parabens: Methyl-, propyl-, ethyl- and butylparaben are the most common preservatives used in cosmetics.

Health Problems: Common allergens. Some recent research shows that parabens can mimic estrogen in rodents, making them potential hormone disruptors.
Quaternary ammonium compounds can irritate the skin and eyes. Quaternium-15 causes more dermatitis complaints than any other preservative, according to the American Academy of Dermatology.

Healthier Preservatives: Vitamins A (retinoic acid), C (ascorbic acid), E (tocopherol), citric acid, pycnogenol.

Surfactants -- Sudsing/Foaming Agents

Suds-making detergents, known as surfactants, in shampoos also promote absorption of the product by the skin.

Diethanolamine (DEA), widely used in shampoos, is a suspected carcinogen, and its compounds and derivatives include triethanolamine (TEA), which can be contaminated with nitrosamines -- compounds shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. Contamination is more likely if the product also contains Bronopol (see above).

Sodium laureth sulfate (SLES) and sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) are both irritants, says the Cosmetics Ingredient Review (CIR), a panel of cosmetics-industry experts established to safety-test ingredients (cir-safety.org). But the CIR reported that SLS also causes "severe epidermal changes" to mouse skin, a finding that "indicates a need for tumor-enhancing activity assays." This year, after review of over 250 existing SLS studies, the CIR concluded that SLS is not cancer-causing. However, Samuel Epstein, M.D., says he is not convinced and recommends avoiding SLS.

Other Ingredients to Avoid

Aluminum chlorohydrate, a wetness retardant used in antiperspirants, can cause allergic reactions.

Ammonia, used in hair dyes and bleaches, can irritate the eyes and skin and can be toxic when inhaled.

Mineral oil, found in many moisturizers, comes from petroleum, a nonrenewable resource.

Peroxide, used in hair-coloring products, can irritate the skin of hands and scalp and damage hair and eyes.

Phenylenediamine (PPD), found in many hair dyes, is linked with skin irritations, respiratory disorders and cancers, and is banned in Europe.

Polyethylene and polyethylene glycol (PEG ingredients), found in hair straighteners, antiperspirants and baby-care products, are safe in themselves but can be contaminated with 1,4- dioxane, which produced liver cancer in rodents in National Cancer Institute (NCI) studies.
Polysorbate compounds 60 and 80 are emulsifiers, used in lotions and creams, that can also become contaminated with the carcinogen 1,4-dioxane.

Polyvinylpyrrolidone (PVP), widely used in hair-care products, especially sprays, has been found to stay in the body for months. In rats it contributed to tumor development.

Propylene glycol, a humectant, or moisture-attracting ingredient, found in mascara, lotions, creams and other cosmetics, can irritate skin in sensitive individuals.

Talc, a mineral found in many face and body powders, has a structure similar to that of asbestos, which has been linked to lung and ovarian cancers. Healthier alternative: cornstarch (but, like any powder, can cause breathing problems)

Toluene, a solvent, is found in some nail polishes. It is a nervous-system toxin.

Triclosan, an antibacterial agent found in deodorants and other products, is overused and is linked to antibiotic-resistant disease, says the Alliance for the Prudent Use of Antibiotics (www.apua.org).
** The substance is described the same way in the Tenth Report on Carcinogens, released December 2002.

Crazy In Thought

What is Free Will?? The definition is as follows: The question of free will is whether, and in what sense, rational agents exercise control over their actions and decisions. Addressing this question requires understanding the relationship between freedom and cause, and determining whether the laws of nature are causally deterministic. The various philosophical positions taken differ on whether all events are determined or not—determinism versus indeterminism—and also on whether freedom can coexist with determinism or not—compatibilism versus incompatibilism. So, for instance, hard determinists argue that the universe is deterministic, and that this makes free will impossible.
The principle of free will has religious, ethical, and scientific implications. For example, in the religious realm, free will may imply that an omnipotent divinity does not assert its power over individual will and choices. In ethics, it may imply that individuals can be held morally accountable for their actions. In the scientific realm, it may imply that the actions of the body, including the brain and the mind, are not wholly determined by physical causality. The question of free will has been a central issue since the beginning of philosophical thought.


Do we have free will? I ask this to myself all the time. Is my free will an illusion, is my idea of happiness based upon my idea that I am free... DO I really understand how we are all just a product of genes, and enviroment? Can we over come all of this?


I have a firm belief in a creator. My loving God gave me free will, I believe this. BUT to what definition should I give free will. With an all knowing omnipitant creator.. who knows the decisions I will make and knew me before time itself was created... does this take away my free will? Does the fact that my genes predetermined certain addictive traits, and moods tendancies effect my free will? Does the fact that my society tells me what is culturally relevant, what is right and wrong from the day I am born, take away my free will? DOES the fact that I am a product to my emotions, my beliefs, my ideas, the ideas of others, the teaching of others, the love of GOD... Take away my free will.

In many ways I feel like we are all in this Matrix. We all question our lives. Are we a part of the system. Will we set ourselves free as Neo did in the movie? Or will we choose to be comfortable knowing we are not free and stay put stuck with in this "matrix"?

I believe the only free will that we have is really over our self awareness. Our thoughts. We must break out of the mold and truly strive for what is right and the common good of all people. The only freewill is in truely understanding ourselves and our motivations.

If we were born 400 years ago, we would believe that slavery was alright, and that women were unequal beings. Someone, a group, someone who looked at the world differently, thought diffently, with an awareness not like the rest of of us, believed common thought to be wrong. Eventhough the common knowledge was to have a slave, they thought it wrong to encourage slavery, wrong to think that people were unequal. This someone, this group of people who started this change... they were free. They understood that the norms of society can be trapped ideas, bad ideas. If we didn't attempt at free will.. perhaps we would still beleive the world to be flat. Humans can sometimes be like lemmings.... we follow with out question.

So I ask my self what is it.. what part of my society has me a slave to my thinking? What can I change? What is wrong? What needs to be set free? Is it consumerism? Is it the ever expanding notion that pleasing self is best? Is it the idea that having an education makes you better or being thin makes you beautiful?

If it is any or all of these things, how do I start changing my thinking. How do I break free from this mold and then start to show others? I believe God wants us to strive to think outside of the societal mold. In 1 Corinthians 10:21 we are told that we can't sit at the lords table and sit at a table with demons. I believe this means we can't do it Gods way and the worlds way. I believe Gods way is true free will.

Its all just a crazy thought and I had to get it out. But one day I'll fully understand how I can be free.. and truely have free will.