Dreaming with a broken heart

When your dreaming with a  broken heart waking up is the hardest part~ John Mayer

Its true. I am a dreamer. A big one. I love easily. Cry easily. I am full of hope for things that are so unrealistic... And I find that being this silly creature is nothing but heart ache. Hope unmet is empty. It is sorrow. Love unrequited is a black hole. Dreams unfulfilled, laughable.

Its the in-between. The "Eeyore" I frequently find in me.

My job, is amazing. It is a blessing to do what I do. To have the skills bestowed upon me that I do. GOD made me this dreamer. He gave me this compassion to love, care, to lack judgment, and cry easily for everyone and everything. He made me full of hope. Yet these gifts can be overwhelming. At times too much to bear. Every day I go to work, I am given a wake up call. Just when I think my life is hard or impossible... I hear a story.. that is unimaginable to me.  I can't fathom surviving what some of my clients have survived. Its heart wrenching. After the weeks over, the days over, I turn off. It hurts to know how much pain truly exists.

In my life I have had so much pain. Mostly centered around "men".. and this pain has put a big fat  hole in my life.... yet... I feel stupid that I let this hole, this desire for a "man" .. be so painful. There is real pain out there. There are real needs that must be met and how on earth will compassion ever meet those needs.

My job wakes me up. Yes I want to bury my head in the sand. But I see whats real. Where Gods people are. I see the reality of his family. Its broken, its tired, its at the end of its rope.. much like I have felt. Then I  wonder..

I am at the end of my rope. I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel scared.. how .. oh how can I even help anyone I serve when I am this mess?

I don't.

 I often feel alone. Not many people have seen what I have. Not many people get to experience this rude awakening of the reality of our world.  I can't do it alone. I desperately want to go back to the days before I experienced all my clients pain, before I created my own. I want to forget, to sleep well at night... but no matter what I try... I am painfully aware. I wonder.. what good is a gift of compassion when real needs exist.


My mess truly helps me to relate.

I realize this every moment more and more. Its not my job to 'fix' my clients. My job is exactly what Gods gifts have been to me.. the gifts of compassion, lack of judgment, of love and hope. Its so easy for me to see it in my clients. To see their potential. As my friend Heather puts it.. I see the diamond in every piece of coal...& she is right.  Its true.. I have a gift .. for finding something amazing about every person I encounter. My job is to help the people I meet, find this in themselves. Their success, failures, wellness.. has nothing to do with me, it is with in them. All people really need is someone to believe in them so that it can become safe to believe in themselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I know I feel a sense of sadness from serving where God wants me. A sense of hopelessness about my future, the future of man.. yet... somewhere in me.. I hope. I hope for my clients. I hope for myself and my own future. Again.. my gifts from God.. stupidly hoping .. rooting for the best the impossible...

Feeling silly .. feeling alone...

I continue on... just needed to get it out.. to vent and to feel heard.

What do you deserve?

Ask yourself.. what is it you deserve? Do you deserve the current situation you are in? Yes the choices we make land us in some crazy messes, but other peoples choices effect us as well. If your parents are drug addicts and homeless you and you are too.. was it your choice? Do you deserve that? If your born into a rich family and you do nothing with your life but spend, do you deserve that? If you are born in Africa and starve to death, did you deserve that?

I ask this because it is a serious issue in many peoples hearts and thoughts. Many people believe we deserve the situation we are in.. poor earned the right to be poor and rich the right to be wealthy.
If you are born in another country, one that women are not allowed to pursue an education, do you desrerve that?

We are taugth from the moment we come out to pursue the job that makes us happy, yet makes us money. So if I truely pursued the job I wanted, I'd be one broke woman. I love to study and talk Egypt. There is no money in this. Some jobs by nature make more money, ie doctors, but not everyone can be a doctor. We need Cops, we need nurses, we need janitors, we need garbage men. Yet if we are not Doctors and garbage men instead we make just 1/10th the amount they do. We have chosen to be poor.

What I don't understand is why we label one job more important than another. Why we put a price on a job. A police mans job is highly important. S/He protects the road, my home, and my family. When I am in danger s/he puts their life on the line for me. Yet his max average pay is $85,000 per year. Even with an education. The doctor saves lives. He works long hours and endures stress. His max pay is almost undefinable, but rarely over 2 mil a year. Both these jobs are important. We need both of these jobs. So why is one deemed worth more than the other?

I don't believe anyone deserves more than another. Yes we make choices. But what we do for a living and what we make financially shouldn't mean we deserve to not eat or have health care or shelter over our heads.

Sigh. Jesus wanted us to be equal to care for one another. To share. His darn ideals were closer to socialism and communism. (NOW MY FELLOW READERS LOOK UP THESE IDEAOLOGIES AND THEIR DEFINITIONS B4 JUDGING ME. COMMUNISM IS A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT. YES PEOPLE ARE TO GREEDY.. BUT MAYBE SOME FORM COULD WORK. THE NEXT SOCIAL MOVEMENT SHOULD BE CALLED JESUSISM.)

So yet again, here I am frustrated at the worlds view point. Wanting to wash worldy thoughts from my brain, and think for the world not with it.

A Goal Of Fastlessness

So my Goal Starting August 14th is to not be :"FAST Less Ness" for 30 days. This means no fast food or shopping... ie.. starbucks, smoothies, subway, slurpees, chinese from safeway, and many other things that I love so much. I am also not going to purchase clothing, shoes, hair crap, or DVDs.. meaning for me no target or walmart.

The goal of my "Fast Less Ness" is to say to GOD.. Hey I love you more than I love me. So not getting a coffee ore a sub sandwhich for thirty days will be hard, but I think God is more important than my instant self gratification.

I am excited to do this, and scared to fail. So all of my friends I need your support!