Advocacy isn't a disguise

What do you believe in? What do you hope to change?  

I work for a catholic organization. I myself am not a catholic, but I fell in love with the basic principles that my organization and the catholic church abides by.

1. Dignity of the Human Person We recognize the sanctity of human life. People do not lose dignity because of disability, poverty, age, lack of success, or race. This emphasizes people over things, being, over having.

2. Community and the Common Good The human person is both sacred and social. We realize our dignity and rights in relationship with others and in our communities. We are called to respect all of God’s gifts of creation to be good stewards of the each and each other.
3. Rights and Responsibilities People have a fundamental right to life, food, shelter, health care, education and employment. All people have a right to participate in decisions that affect their lives. Corresponding to these rights are duties and responsibilities to respect the rights of others in the wider society and to work for the common good.
4. Option for the Poor The moral test of a society is how it treats its most vulnerable members. The poor have the most urgent moral claim on the conscience of the nation. We are called to look at public policy decisions in terms of how they affect the poor.
5. Dignity of Work People have a right to decent and productive work, fair wages, private property and economic initiative. The economy exists to serve people, not the other way around.
6. Solidarity We are one human family. Our responsibilities to each other cross national, racial, economic and ideological differences. We are called to work globally for justice.
7. Care for God’s Creation The goods of the earth are gifts from God. We have a responsibility to care for these goods as stewards and trustees, not as mere consumers and users.

So again what do you believe?
I want to change a system bigger than myself and I do not even know how or where to start. My warning to you, fellow reader, is that I, am a democrat and a liberal.. so read at your own risk.

This last week I got to go advocate for the things I believe in. I got to speak to district representatives and senators. I went there with others with the hope of being heard. My stance is there needs to be more funding for basic needs. Not simply just education. Do not get me wrong, I believe that funding needs to be placed in education, but what good is an education to a child who sleeps in a car, is hungry, and has no health care. If basic needs are not met (maslows hierarchy of needs) such as safety, shelter, food, than how can self enrichment ever happen. It can't. 

Our system is so broken. So many people (some of them being good friends of mine) believe a lie. They believe individuals take advantage of our system. Its not true. The facts show a good majority of the people who need help genuinely need help. These individuals on average are able to get them selves on there feet -with the help of our system- with in 28 months. Thats really amazing if you ask me. I hear people say that they stay on these programs there whole life.. but its not possible. TANF recipients are only allowed to be on these programs for a maximum of 5 years, and they have to prove that they are attempting to find work. The common thought is that it is "easy" to be in assistance programs. But its truly not. In 2007 there was 300  million dollars set aside to help individuals build affordable housing units and an additional 5 million help at risk and vulnerable populations (chronically homeless and mentally ill) with housing. These numbers have been substantially cut back. There is now only 69 million dollars set aside to help with the cost of housing and no additional funds set aside for those vulnerable populations.  I know 69 million dollars sounds "like a lot" but housing costs, especially in our state, are outrageous. Think of it this way:
 What makes housing affordable? Those working in the housing field generally use the guideline that an individual or family should pay no more than 30% of its income for housing and utilities costs. Using that standard, a minimum wage earner in Snohomish County can afford to pay monthly rent of no more than $445, and someone making the average hourly wage of $14.38 could pay up to $748. However, the average rent charged in the Snohomish county area for a two-bedroom unit is $942 . 
In 2012 the count of homeless individuals identified 2,387 people and 1,410 households as being homeless, with about 800 people under age 18. Those figures were up slightly from 2011, when 2,249 people were counted.
These numbers upset me. They were numbers used when discussing my stand point to the representatives I met. Yet these numbers and facts meant nothing to the individuals I spoke with. In their defense they had their own view points and own areas they felt the budget and available funding needed to go. Even though I greatly disagreed and felt as though they had absolutely no ounce of compassion in their soul... I still know they felt similar to me. They believed in their side, in their issues. 

With this said. How can I ever change their mind. Do I take them by the hand.. have them meet some of my clients who suffer from hunger, homelessness, and to top it off they are in desperate need of health care services.  If they saw these individuals and how hard they worked to change their lives... would their view points change? I would like to hope so. I would like to think at some point I will be able to show these representatives the truth about our society and our societies needs.

Basic needs are failing to be met. So my message to legislation... is that every human being has the right to food, shelter, and health care. Simple as that. No ifs, and whats, buts about it. Every person on our planet deserves these basic rights. 
IF you are interested in my views if you believe like I do, take a stand. GO speak up, write  a letter, and never give up.

Six and counting

The love of my life is 6. A full six years and still by my side. My baby my boo boo my vaeh.  Lil miss Nevaeh Abrianna is the star and the passion in my life.

Over the last two years her and I have gone through huge transitions together. The bigest transition has come ths last year.  With me getting a full time job and being back in school, I see her less than I would like.I know less than she would like. I struggle at feeling like a "good mother". She goes to school for a good part of the day, but I don't take her, and I can only get her 1 time a week. This year is the first time we have spent so much time apart. Before this, her first 5 years, she was able to go to work with me (thanks ma and pa) and school was not quite as intensive.

I struggle with this. I want to be with her more. To feel like a mom who is more involved. I get to be involved in the early moning when she is still grumpy and doesn't want to get ready for school and at nihgt when dinner, reading, and the fighting bed time occurs. I try to fill our weekends with adventures and "dates" so she knows how important she is to me. But if I am feeling it, the lack of time together, I worry endlessly over whether or not she is as well. 
Even though I feel like a poor mother. I know the truth is she is an amazing little person. She reads stories to me at night now, which took me by suprise. One day she is struggling to read, the next, she is mastering it.  She gossips with me about things that are important to her. Her gossip is the best. She talks about how much she loves her grandparents. How special her "sissy" is and how funny her cousins are and how much she "missing" them. She asks me about her birthdays. Suggesting that when she is 7 she "will be old enough for her own cell phone.. maybe". When I tell her she is a bit young to have a cell phone and that may not happen until shes a teen, she argues in her own silly way and says "I'm 6 and counting mom, I know how to use a phone."
On our dates weekly morning dates we go to starbucks and we chit chat over hot chocolate. She shares what her monster high barbies have been doing and fills me in on their lives.  She asks me questions about my vegetarianism and has shared that she "likes chicken and real milk" and "not your food mom". But she is so aware of the fact I eat differently. She makes sure the food I have been given "is ok for mommy to eat" and she has told me her favorite monster high barbie, Frankie, "eats weird like you mom. She doesn't like to eat animals". 
In her own way she too has learned to be compassionate for animals. She loves "her jersie" and "her kitties". She is very affectionate to them all when she comes home. She takes a moment right when she walks in the door to find each of them and pets them, kisses the, and tells them how much she loves them. It makes my heart soar to see how loving she is.
She not only shows awareness of my needs and things I feel are important, but she seems to have grown a huge heart for the homeless. When we get in the car she grabs gronola bars and puts them next to her seat "in case we see any homeless people mom, they might need something to eat".  I love it.
Again I am just a mother desperately in love with her amazing daughter. I am in awe of who she is and excited to watch her grow and evolve as a person.

Dreaming with a broken heart

When your dreaming with a  broken heart waking up is the hardest part~ John Mayer

Its true. I am a dreamer. A big one. I love easily. Cry easily. I am full of hope for things that are so unrealistic... And I find that being this silly creature is nothing but heart ache. Hope unmet is empty. It is sorrow. Love unrequited is a black hole. Dreams unfulfilled, laughable.

Its the in-between. The "Eeyore" I frequently find in me.

My job, is amazing. It is a blessing to do what I do. To have the skills bestowed upon me that I do. GOD made me this dreamer. He gave me this compassion to love, care, to lack judgment, and cry easily for everyone and everything. He made me full of hope. Yet these gifts can be overwhelming. At times too much to bear. Every day I go to work, I am given a wake up call. Just when I think my life is hard or impossible... I hear a story.. that is unimaginable to me.  I can't fathom surviving what some of my clients have survived. Its heart wrenching. After the weeks over, the days over, I turn off. It hurts to know how much pain truly exists.

In my life I have had so much pain. Mostly centered around "men".. and this pain has put a big fat  hole in my life.... yet... I feel stupid that I let this hole, this desire for a "man" .. be so painful. There is real pain out there. There are real needs that must be met and how on earth will compassion ever meet those needs.

My job wakes me up. Yes I want to bury my head in the sand. But I see whats real. Where Gods people are. I see the reality of his family. Its broken, its tired, its at the end of its rope.. much like I have felt. Then I  wonder..

I am at the end of my rope. I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel scared.. how .. oh how can I even help anyone I serve when I am this mess?

I don't.

 I often feel alone. Not many people have seen what I have. Not many people get to experience this rude awakening of the reality of our world.  I can't do it alone. I desperately want to go back to the days before I experienced all my clients pain, before I created my own. I want to forget, to sleep well at night... but no matter what I try... I am painfully aware. I wonder.. what good is a gift of compassion when real needs exist.


My mess truly helps me to relate.

I realize this every moment more and more. Its not my job to 'fix' my clients. My job is exactly what Gods gifts have been to me.. the gifts of compassion, lack of judgment, of love and hope. Its so easy for me to see it in my clients. To see their potential. As my friend Heather puts it.. I see the diamond in every piece of coal...& she is right.  Its true.. I have a gift .. for finding something amazing about every person I encounter. My job is to help the people I meet, find this in themselves. Their success, failures, wellness.. has nothing to do with me, it is with in them. All people really need is someone to believe in them so that it can become safe to believe in themselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I know I feel a sense of sadness from serving where God wants me. A sense of hopelessness about my future, the future of man.. yet... somewhere in me.. I hope. I hope for my clients. I hope for myself and my own future. Again.. my gifts from God.. stupidly hoping .. rooting for the best the impossible...

Feeling silly .. feeling alone...

I continue on... just needed to get it out.. to vent and to feel heard.