Friday, February 20, 2009

Ghosts of Birthdays Past

I was born on February 19th, 1983, sometime in the early morning. My mother was just sixteen at the time, but she birthed me out on her eldest brothers birthday. My uncle Maury and I are 21 years apart. Growing up, it was the best thing I believed could happen to me. Sharing my birthday with a beloved Uncle.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Containment

I've been thinking alot about my beliefs lately. About God. I complain and complain about how we put him in a Box. I complain about how complicated we make God, how all of the sudden in our society he becomes unreachable. We are afraid of him, hes a right winged prolife republican anti Obama God who wont love us if we don't fit the ALL American Mold. I get frustrated because I am none of those things. I have a love for my country. I feel it aspires at all the right things, and fails at the worst of them. We create this God of fear. So our Loving Jesus gets lost in the mess.
I have a love for God, and yet I find I contain him as much as other people do.

He is never big enough to solve a problem.
He is never the first one I turn to when I am in need.
Easily ignored, and second Guessed. Because he is unseen by me I must be to invaluable for him to even acknowledge.

I'm not saying I feel unloved by God. Or that I don't feel the Grace of Jesus at every minute. I'm saying that I am beginning to realize that I too put containers on my God. I don't allow him in to every aspect of my life. I put my own spin on what he is. He is big enough to do task X, but since Y is different God doesn't apply.

Yesterday this thought was really pushed into motion. I was in Seattle and at the Westlake mall their were Five or Six demonstraters on the corners of the main street. They were holding signs that read things like "for the wages of sin is death" and shouting things about how people were going to go to hell. As I walked past these demonstraters, I was holding hands with my sisters. There were so many people downtown that if we weren't strung together, we would have ended up on opposite sides of the street. Well one of these people saw us holding hands, and started yelling about our sexual sin. He said confess now, lesbianism is Wrong. He yelled some other obscenties my way, and then began to yell at other people. He yelled at the people with multi colored hair and a woman wearing an obama shirt.

I feel that the only thing he succeeded at was driving people away from God. Not toward God. This man judged on appearence. He knew none of us. Yet he felt compelled to call a black pot pink? He didn't get it. He didn't get how Gods Love is bigger than the apperance. He contained Jesus to a small and narrow box and thus showed other people that don't understand or know God yet.. that God is narrow minded.
I read a womans, who will remain nameless, blog about how she is super Christian. She believes that the United States is Gods nation, that white people are Gods people. She offends me. However I find alot of people fall victim to this thought. They beleive that this is a christian nation, we deserve to be great, we deserve the best and its ok to trample on other nations or other people with different beliefs or people who are different from us. Its not only our nation who believes this, other people around the world believe that their religion of choice is right, that their nation and its beliefs are superior. Its just disguisting to me, to box ourselves, or Our God in. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, or whatever religion you find yourself belonging to.. the God in each emphasis Love and thinking beyond what we know, compassion, patience and morality.

I find the human race in general to be a disgusting thing. I like in the matrix how the Smith character compares us to a Virus. Populating one area until the resources are gone, then moving on to destroy the next. I get frustrated at people, and our disgusting ways. Our beliefs, how mean we are to one another, how quickly we show just the opposite of what God teaches. God teaches love, and we show hate. We claim to be christians, and we live a false life, quoting verses at people on the streets, yet we don't abide by any of those things in truth.

I start to believe that God must find us disgusting as well. How can he look down on all the good things he has given us and watch us destroy them? He is doing nothing to stop us from being completely crooked.! He must not care.! Right? Hes done nothing... does no one see what is going on here? This thought takes me over. I become like a Zombie. Ignoring the world. Too offended by it to even look up.

POOF. God hits me. He tells me to stop putting the world, its people, and Him especially into this little box that contains little socks that read one size fits all. He is not a container!
dont put God n a Box Pictures, Images and Photos
God has been making it pretty obvious. Its like lightening striking. It hits me. I see it. I see it, other people have seen it. We are just too afraid to stand up to the wrong doings. God did think outside of the Box, he put me in situation X to try to change it, yet I didn't see that. I just thought he was too small to fix it, that he didn't do anything. But then I realize, he did. He loved me, hes showed me his love. He wants me to point the way to him.

I disgust myself. Zombie Pictures, Images and PhotosI can act all right and all moral, but God sees my heart. I want to have a heart that is like Gods. I don't want to box God in any more. I want to see the oppertunities he is giving me and use them. I want to live with a passion, to stop being the zombie I know I have been.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sub Sandwich Type Memories

Its been a while since my last post. I honestly don't have much to say right now. I've been writing paper after paper for school, and all my creative juices have left my finger tips. However, at the request of my Crispy McFeather, I will jot down something that makes me smile whenever I think of it.

Many, Many years ago, when my friend Heather still lived in Washington, I went to Jetty Island with her, her dad, and her two brothers. It was the summer time, and her family picked me up from my home. They had packed snacks, and her dad wanted to get sandwhiches from the Sub Place near our home. I had never had a sub before. I rembember feeling leary as they bought these sandwhiches. I remember asking Paul (Heathers dad) what a sub was. I know I didn't think it was a sandwich.
deluxe_sub_sandwich.jpg Pictures, Images and Photos

After our stop at the subshop, we headed straight to Jetty Island. I had never been there before, and I know Heather had. I remember her telling me how great it was. According to Heather, however, alot of things where either really great, or not at all. I remember she told me that we would be taking a boat ride to the island. I remember envisioning something spectacular and amazing. When we got to the parking area of the Marina, and walked to the loading area for Jetty Island, I saw the boat. It was a simple transport boat. Nothing grand like I had envisioned, but to Heather, it was still amazing.

When we got to the island one of the first things we did was eat. Heather and I shared a sandwhich, so whatever was on it was picked by her, but I rember that first bite. That first bite is whats been wrong with me for the last 14 or so years. I am in love with Sub type sandwhiches. They are one of my favorite foods. Just the idea of them makes me drool... ahhhh.. YUMM!

After we were finished esting, we walked around the shore. I remember feeling like an explorer with my best friend by my side. I remember thinking it was a pretty area. But my fondest memory I can't fully remember. I rember bits and peices, and I wish I could remember more. I know that Heather and I were walking out in the water, to see how far we could go. The shallow water seemed to go on forever, we walked and walked until shore seemed millions of miles away and the water never passed our waists. At some point in our walk, one of flung sand at the other. I remember reaching into the water, to grab the sand below my toes, and shoving it in her face. We were laughing and screaming. Wrestling, neither of us willing to submit or loose. This is what made us both loose however. We had shoved so much salt water in eachothers mouths that we began to puke. I remember puking for a long time. I remember thinking that it totally sucked. However, even though our day ended up vomit filled, I still beleive that day to be one of the best days I have ever had.

My childhood memories are often very vague, many details missing, and I wish I could remember them better, even this one. I long to remember what it was we were screaming as we shoved sand in each others faces. I long to see my friend, to hold her hand, to feel like an explorer again. To this day that is the only time I have been to Jetty island. I plan every year to go, but for some reason it just wouldn't feel the same with out my Heather. I don't want to go back until she comes with, so it may be another decade until I see that place again.
Different Paths Pictures, Images and Photos