Wanted : life partner

I wrote this on Sunday just thought I’d share this journal entry:

Lately I have felt slightly alone. Wishing I had my own special someone. I have a running add in my head, kind of like a personal add. I guess my loneliness got to me when I saw Jen and Greg get married. They got married almost 5 years to the date after I did. And now I am not married. It was a bit disheartening for me. I wanted a companion, and now I am one of the few single people I know. Over the weekend I was reminded of God’s love for me, of his fight, and pursuit. I often say if I remarry or date, the guy I date will have to pursue me to no end. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that my companion is God. He is my partner, my helper, my confidant.

I haven't been a believer for very long, in my opinion I am still a toddler Christian... or a small child. I've believed for 7 years. I know I was still young when I discovered Gods love for me; however I will say it wasn't made easy. I denied and refused God very often. I would make excuses for the gifts he gave me and refute the possibilities of a God who loved me. I would argue against him. In every argument I had, I now find that those arguments are for him. I didn't see that then. It is so silly to me that one goes around denying the very existence of God.
When I was 17 I would have been so disappointed in my 26 year old self, but my 26 year old self sees how I needed God to pursue me in order to love him the way I do today. I got to find God all on my own. People pushed me, I'd push back. God knew me so well; he knew I loved a challenge. I took world religion classes, history courses at college, all to be able to fight the waves of Christians that bombarded me on a weekly basis. God knew that I was a seeker; he knew just how to draw me in. He found the right people to surround me with. He surrounded me with a very zealous group of Christians. They would challenge me, and I would challenge back. God sat back slowly waiting for me. I believed that most the Christians I encountered were brain washed sheep. He let me know I could do it on my own, with my own free will, and still be me, while loving him.

I find it funny to think back to how he won me over, the man at the gas station, the movie a walk to remember, and music. Most of all music, he broke me through music.
I've always loved the acoustic sound, and when I was 15 I had a theme song that I would play over and over on my CD player. My friend Cheryl gave me the CD. She didn't know who the artist was, and neither did I, but I loved that song. After a weekend trip to ocean shores, I ruined my CD, much to my dismay I could never find that song again. Saturday I was watching a movie with Nevaeh, and that song was in the back ground. I looked it up amazed at how beautiful I thought it still was. It was called let that be enough by Switchfoot.

I found this highly amusing. Switchfoot was the first Christian music band I liked, I fell in love with their music on the sountrack for a walk to remember, and was highly discouraged when I found out they were a Christian band. BUT I still bought their CD. Switchfoots music in some ways helped me to discover that I really did love God. And now that I know that song was by them, I see how enduring Gods pursuit of me was. I had wanted to find that song recently, but couldn't remember enough lyrics to look it up. After many years, God got my attention and reminded me that he was my partner, through a Kids movie. It was a nice surprise. I cried. I may try to run from his love often, but I can’t. I can’t escape it. I am so grateful, he is a pursuer and that he doesn’t give up.


God is my perfect companion. I don't need anything else.

Let That Be Enough Lyrics By Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Visual Purple

Visual purple, I say these words to my little sister Sarah, and she looked at me confused. What is visual purple...? Did you make that up, you must have, she says to me. I explain to her its the idea that it takes time for our eyes to see at night.

Def :
Rhodopsin, also known as visual purple, is a pigment of the retina that is responsible for both the formation of the photoreceptor cells and the first events in the perception of light. Rhodopsins belong to the G-protein coupled receptor family and are extremely sensitive to light, enabling vision in low-light conditions. Exposed to light, the pigment immediately photobleaches, and it takes about 30 minutes to regenerate fully in humans.

After explaining to Sarah what visual purple was, she looked at me still confused, and said well explain your whole theory again.. the one you have that says life recently is like visual purple.

So I thought it would be fun to write out my feelings on life right now, and see how clearly I can make my new concept seem to myself, Sarah, and anyone else who may read this.
I've found it hard to adjust to the season I am in. I have had a tendency lately to feel sorry for myself. Which is a normal human inclination, I know. But God doesn't want me that way. Even if my life seems hard to me, in comparison to the rest of the world, I am seriously lucky. I have a vehicle, running/ clean water, electricity, grocery stores just a mile away that carry fresh produce and food, and I have quick access to medical attention. I am amazingly blessed. Yet I still find that adjusting to this new season of life is hard.
In the past two years I have seen a lot of hardships, economic downfalls, and people losing their homes, their marriages, and many other losses. I have also been blessed enough to see new marriages and new life be brought into this world. All this change that has occurred is amazing. It takes some adjusting to.

Some people have said to me that my current circumstances are just a temporary season. This may or may not be true. For the most part even if it wasn't true, life is just a season and when God calls me home all the stress will be over, end of season. My friend Monica brought up in my women’s group, what she heard at a leadership summit. She said the leader had a profound thought, and something she hadn’t really considered, he said “what if the economic hardships of America are not just a passing season. What if this is how it is”. Monica said something that has been spinning in my head for the past few days, “no matter what the season we find ourselves in we should always help one another”. There is always going to be someone better off than us and someone worse off than us. No matter our situation we should find a way to reflect God, and find away to help one another. If not financially, we should feel compelled to help in some way or another.
My visual purple for life is taking its time. Just like with my eyes, I have to be in the dark for a half hour to actually attain the ability to see well at night, maybe God wants me in this hard spot so I can see how to make my life, and others lives, better. Making it better doesn't mean having more things. It’s an attitude, an adjustment. So life is like the process of visual purple, I realize now the need to be in the dark in order to see the light. It’s a simple truth that I have found, the light is always there.