So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.
I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.
Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.
So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.
I need GOD.
2 comments:
hang in there, i was totally feeling the blues due to other circumstances last week and yes i know that feeling of knowing in your head what God is doing is going to be better but feeling so upset in your heart over the pain and major disappointments along the way. It will get better, be good to yourself in this time of working through emotions...can you rent a movie, that's not breaking the fastlessness is it? know you're loved and looking at your life from where i see it, i know great things are just waiting to become part of the fabric of your story!
PS: i don't have "perfect" friends and i want it that way.
I love you Kelli, I am sorry for the pain that you have been dealt. It isn't fair, but one thing I want to say is that, as a parent God is giving you the beater car to work your way up and show him that you are grateful and responsible.
I cannot begin to imagine what things have been like for you. And sadly I am not being as good of a friend as I had hoped to be, to support you, and tell you I love you. But I want you to know that I love you, and so does your Heavenly father.
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