All Hallows Eve

I so much enjoy this time of year. Out of every season and holiday, I do believe fall could be my favorite.



Yes for those of you who though summer perhaps was my favorite, yes I do love summer because it brings out my inner river rat, but I love fall because of Halloween. As Halloween is my favorite holiday, fall perhaps truly is my favorite season.!

It has always seemed to me, to be the holiday where people plan the most ahead for others. Yes on Christmas we may buy friends and family presents a few months in advance.. but do we buy strangers presents? Not usually. On Halloween, we not only think of our friends and family, we go out of our way to plan for and think of giving to strangers.
It seems to me to be the ultimate holiday to celebrate community. Even though often people are going out of their way to scare one another, they are still going out of their way for someone they do not even know!. On Halloween neighbors you've never met, play spooky music and hand out candy. Some even make cotton candy and create a haunted house for others to enjoy.

With Halloween comes huge community gatherings outside of the mall. People in large numbers go out to enjoy their local pumpkin patch. They do so in search of the perfect pumpkin to carve and put on display.
Even the local pumpkin patch is a great community event. Pumpkin fields, corn mazes, animal farms, bouncy houses, hay bail rides, everything you can imagine doing on a farm.. set up for the community to enjoy.

This year I have gotten to enjoy a pumpkin farm twice! Have pumpkin seeds made for me by my best friend, have been invited to more Halloween parties than parties for the year, have been asked to go trick or treating with multiple friends, and been with so much community it makes me feel like the luckiest person on the planet.
**Sigh**
I love this time of year.

Today I can see!

Perhaps because I am a poet at heart I am destined to be a bit moody and depressed. Maybe its because I am a woman or better yet, perhaps its the way I was created. I have a best friend who is always happy. I think its her nature to find the positive, and to just be bubbly. It feels like it is my nature, to be kind of the opposite. The drag. The worrier.

My mom was always worried about me. At one point in my youth I wore all black. I read dark books, and never let the sun touch my skin. She intervened by making me recycle my dark books, and either read peppy books or go out side. At the time I was mad at her, but looking back, she probably saved me from becoming some strange pale sad creature.. that I was obviously trying to be.

The name of my URL of my blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola, and then its name Sorrowful thoughts in a vintage light, are even a bit depressing. I know my mom doesn't approve, but yet I find my depressing names, some what creative. They are meaningful, and come from books I have read, and things ideas have changed my life. (So even though they sound some what depressing, mom, they really aren't :). )

My nature however has been slowly changing. Over three years ago I separated from my husband (now x). I thought I wouldn't make it. Yes I know I am a bit of a drama queen by saying that, but I did not think I WOULD EVER survive a divorce. It was only through Gods love that I did.

I was so angry for the longest time. So moody about my whole situation. Some times I still get moody about it. I find that I begin to think about what happened and the fact that its not what I had planned for my life. WHY does Gods plan have to be so different than mine? I wanted an intact family. I want to have a HUSBAND. I want to have the typical family unit. Is that really so much to want? I don't really believe it is so much to want. AND I can feel it that Gods design for me does, one day, include a husband. BUT for now, he wants me to master the art of being one with Him and being OK with my current situation.

Its easy to get side tracked, pulled away from faith. I focus on the fact that I now have a broken family. That my daughter has to live the life I NEVER wanted for her. I sit there and focus on this. Sometimes I focus so hard on the bad I forget about the truth of my situation. After telling a friend not to stare at a closed door, and to focus on some windows, I realized, I better do the exact same thing. Change my perception.

So I prayed. At first I felt God was being silent. It makes me mad when I feel his silence. I feel shunned. BUT most of the time, I realize I am not listening.. or in truth he is saying something that makes NO SENSE to me at the time, I SHUN him. Sad, but true.

After praying for a while, and being frustrated I decided to be angry. Then, I felt my anger swiftly get taken away from me by a few simple words.. that sounded like they came from my own brain, but really I know are his words. YOU HAVE A FAMILY!

What I have a family. ?? I am so busy worrying about what I do not have. I fill up my mind with unnecessary woes and cares, with don't haves. I forget the DO HAVES.

I may not have the typical family unit. But I do have Gods family. I know a decade ago, I would have died laughing at the thought of me considering a church my family, but today I do. My church family is real. So many people from my church love me, and I love them. Then theres my group of close lady friends. They are not just friends, in my last blog I entitled them sisters... And in doing so.. how was it not obvious to me then that Gods family.. was mine?? not sure.. but to continue.. even women I have just made friends with have become like family. Even some men friends have become like brothers. Who would have thought, I loose a family, but I never really lost my entire family. God provided me with a family unit so amazing.. that its depressing to me that I didn't realize it.!

So today I wake up again, so lucky, 2 whole days in a row, truly feeling Gods love. Today I can see it. I know it. I hope I don't forget it and go blind again.

My special thanks to all my friends and family at Allen Creek Community Church. (Ron, Helen, Twila, Janae, Trina, Mark, Debbie, Tim, Julie, Greg, Nate, JT, Jan, Judy, Norma, Chrissie, Valen, Sarah, the Hazens, Casey, and everyone else!) To my family (My mom, dad, my millions of sisters, my daughter, my nephews, my neices, my grandmothers, and grandfather)
All my bible study ladies (Jenny, Amanda, Monica) My close friends (Heather P and Heather F, Jamie, Krystal, Candis)

Thank you all for being my family. For being such a support to me. A blessing from God. You all show me that Gods Love is Real.

I love you all!

sisterhood of friendship

Being a big sister is hard. My little sisters have experienced one of the hardest lives any young people should ever have too. Their childhood was one right out of fiction, and they witnessed things little eyes should not ever have to. This last year I have seen them try to reach out, and be shunned by cliques, lied about, and hurt. This hasn't been an easy year for them. Highschool is a rough place to be, and even other places outside of high school have presented the unfair cliquishness of life.

As a big sister what do I say about this, what do I do?

Nothing I can do. So I pray about this.

Yesterday one of them approaches me balling that its hard because she is trying to be a good teenager.. and because she is accountable, holds others accountable, and does what she is supposed to do, she feels punished. She has said before that if she was like every other teenager... she'd have friends.. and life would feel easier.


This made me want to cry. It broke my heart. But it was a reminder. Life is never meant to be easy.It reminded me so much of what my life as a teenager was like. I had very very few friends. The closest of my friends both moved away, and for a while I felt I was left with nothing.

Even to this day, I find it difficult to fit in with peers. I do not do things like other people. I do not desire to either. I told my sister the only thing I could. I told her that this stuff sucks, but in the end its worth it. I never had too many friends growing up because I didn't fit in. But the people I do fit in with are amazing. My life with out them.. unimaginable. The friends God picked out for me, the ones I waited for, are blessings.

With this said, I also started later in life than my sisters. They both have Jesus as a friend. I waited for that man. He had to find me, lasso me, pursue me like no other.. and I am so grateful that he did.

I remember how he did it. He brought me amazing people. The first of my friends that I met, Monica. I met her at an x box party and we just hit it off. I knew that she was someone I wanted to know. Then after that, Amanda (the goof). Then I found Jesus, and then a few years later he brought me Jenny (the sister to my soul), Jamie, and Heather. These women are gifts straight out of heaven. They have made my life better in so many immeasurable ways. They have bettered me. With out them I doubt I would be the woman I am proud to be today.

I am so proud of my sisters, so thankful that they are such wonderful women. They too have become part of my group of best women friends. AND I hope one day looking back they see, that even though they may not fit in now, they fit in with Jesus. I hope they see that... and that in reality God provided them with friends, they have more friends already than they know what to do with.. after all they do have 5 more sisters...

Just look up

Have you ever looked up at the night sky for more than just a few minutes?

If you haven't spent more than an hour gazing, I recommend that it is something you do.

Star gazing is one of my favorite past times. I used to spend so much time just searching the skies, that now, I forget how much I loved it. shooting, stars, the milky way, Orion.. Cassiopeia.. I have memories of life lived looking up at the stars. This last year.. I haven't spent much time doing this. Life gets busy, I feel to tired, a rainy night, and a few other excuses thrown in there, have made it so I just glance and walk on. I almost forget how at ease I feel spending time under the night sky.

Last night, while at my parents cabin in Tonasket, my mom called me outside. I had spent half the night inside because the outside was just too hot. When I went out.. my mom said, Kelli.. LOOK UP.

I did.I have never seen the sky look so amazing. So far away from the city, so clear, so bright.. I stared at the sky in awe for a while. Even though I was eaten alive by mosquitoes, I found my happy place.

Nothing more amazing than the night sky.

Before the morning

After a long talk with God and a few requests he answered me with a song. Like usual.

Thought I would share the song as it is completely beautiful.

Josh Wilson's Before the Morning

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

God in the Eyes of a Three year old

I want a faith like that of my child. Nevaeh has been my biggest reminder of Gods goodness in my life.


My daughter is growing up before my very eyes. I can't believe that her baby years are gone, and her toddler years are basically behind her. Shes not like any child I have ever known. My little girl is very special. I thought I would share with the internet world, just how amazing she is.

Last week I was upset about money issues. Basically not trusting that there will be enough, even though there always is. My little baby heard me praying and said mama I have money. She went to her purse, took her much coveted quarters out (.50 worth) and gave them to me. She said here mama here is my money I am giving it to you" She gave me all the money she had. To her it was a lot, even though it may seem like nothing it meant everything to me.


Not only is she incredibly giving, she loves God. About a month ago I rolled my new SUV into my dads truck. Cracking the bumper and knocking out my dads fog light. I was so mad. I started crying and acting completely ridiculous. I got back in my car and was screaming at myself. Poor Lil Nev. She quietly spoke up and said.. "mommy its OK. Gods gonna put a big band-aid on it." then she started to pray asking God to put a big band-aid on my car.
I started to cry worse. She reminded me of what was important. My car is just a thing. Not more valuable than her, not more valuable than God. The first thing I did was get angry, the first thing my kid did was turn to God. I feel such pride when thinking about it. I also feel like I gotta be more like my little girl.

Not only in this moment does my baby pray, but she likes to pray in general. Its pretty awesome how little people just love God. No doubt. Complete faith. My little Nev has the faith and she rocks it.

God is Good?

Is God a good God? Recently that's a question I have heard a lot of. I've heard it from believing friends, non believing friends, and even from my own thoughts.

It’s hard to believe that God is good, from a certain point of view anyways. Human beings around the world suffer horrid events. Sometimes it seems that the random chance of where we are born determines how good God can appear. In third world countries and poor states of America natural disasters consume and destroy. In Africa people starve, die, and are forced into slavery. Around the world young women are forced into becoming Human traffic. Every day babies and children die of something that could have been easily cured.


How can a God who permits these things be truly good? Is often the question I ask myself. However, late its turned to be a question more like:

How can God, one so good like ours, love us for the things we do and don't do.

By chance I was born in America. By being born here, I was born to privilege. By this privilege alone GOD has called me to help those who aren't as lucky as me. It’s in people’s hands to help. Donating time, money, food, and other resources I alone could save one person’s life. By signing a petition to stop human trafficking, by not buying diamonds mined from slaves, I could stop one person from becoming a slave. If all of us participated we could change a lot of the way the world worked. If I vote, I can effect who is elected and who is my leader, and therefore I participate in changing the world.

In the worst ways I have heard individuals say they will not help because the ones who suffer do so willingly. They say they must suffer for one mistake, or for their parents mistakes, or for being born in a place where they are just so unlucky. These individuals are often ones, who could really make a big difference... I believe God tries and tries to speak into their lives yet they are stubborn and decide they shouldn't help because these people deserve to suffer.

WHY does GOD love people who do not take action? Why Does he love us for being such corrupt individuals we turn a blind eye to slavery? It’s because HE is good. God forgives us, he creates miracles in our everyday lives. It’s so easy to forget his goodness when we have become so accustomed to it. The very process of trees creating oxygen for us to breathe, a perfect amount of gravity for us to be able to walk on the surface of our earth, the perfect distance from the sun to Earth, the perfection of how babies are formed in the uterus... how are these not miracles, and pure expression of GODS goodness? He came here; he died for me, for you, for everyone. He suffered so that we may live. How is this not his goodness?

1 Timothy 1:12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service.


Do we people even try to live in Gods goodness, most of people don't participate. They blame, blame God, and say they aren't big enough to make a change so they don't even try.

I believe that, Yes even if we participated, some bad things would still happen. That is just part of being in a fallen world. Not one person can be perfect and because of this someone will suffer. Someone will be oppressed. BUT the goal is to use Gods goodness in our life to help others not just ourselves.