Tonight I can't sleep. I'm surrounded with swirls of ways I have failed God. Ways I do not trust him. Its infuriating to know that everything that has been difficult in my life has always found its meaning.. and in the long run.. been something good. But I still don't trust the plan. Trusting God irregardless of circumstance has always been my weak spot. I talk and talk about how I know it is.. and I do not change. Instead of changing.. seeking God when I am scared.. I ignore him. I do not talk to him, I punish him. Its ridiculous.
Right now a lot of things in my life seem to be sucky/stressful. Like always I have been having a very difficult time seeing past the suck/stressful stuff to see the hope. I do recognize how he has always been there for me before.. yet for some demented reason I doubt him now. My head keeps telling me.. this time.. Gods gonna let it all fall apart and make you pick up the pieces..
Then there's my soul.. it feels that God is there.. hes just taking his time. I don't feel like I've been very good at listening to him I've been deaf, blind, and dumb to his love lately. I am failing at the simplest parts of obeying Him. So tonight I decided I'm open to him. I'm waiting on him. I trust in him, and I will do what he asks.. whether or not I want to.
In rereading my blog.. I keep replaying the song While I'm waiting in my head. I even plan on singing it aloud to God.. kinda romancing him is the plan. Hoping that this time.. I wont fail in the trust department. I want to be more obedient to his will, and show him that I do love him.
While I'm Waiting lyrics
Artist: John Waller lyrics
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Beyond
Beyond our time
There must be something out there
Something beyond the vast unknown sky
Beyond the lies we hide
There must be something out there
Beyond the pain, beyond our time
Something within the light
Cant see the dark with out the light
Can't feel the cold with out the heat
There is no pain with out life
No love without sorrow
There must be something to find
No star no segment of time would shine
The snow cannot fall from a vacant sky
There must be something out there
Something that can't be seen
Just
There must be something beyond the great vacant sky
-written by me, at a time before I truly trusted and believed
There must be something out there
Something beyond the vast unknown sky
Beyond the lies we hide
There must be something out there
Beyond the pain, beyond our time
Something within the light
Cant see the dark with out the light
Can't feel the cold with out the heat
There is no pain with out life
No love without sorrow
There must be something to find
No star no segment of time would shine
The snow cannot fall from a vacant sky
There must be something out there
Something that can't be seen
Just
There must be something beyond the great vacant sky
-written by me, at a time before I truly trusted and believed
Todays 'small' rant
This is my rant after reading too much for school, too many news stories, and seeing many peoples facebook and/or myspace 'updates'. Keep in mind it's a rant of feelings, that I needed to express and get out. 
Is it just me, or is it human nature to let the world effect my emotions so much. I feel as though everything is interconnected. Other peoples moods, actions, can change how I see the world, even how I see myself. Some days I see hope, but then there are days (which are most) I see and feel despair. I see a dying human race. One that believes itself to be indestructible, yet it destructs everything in its path.
I often think of the matrix when I think of humanity.
I think of what Agent Smith said about the human race : "I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure." I wonder how true this statement is. Do I believe this statement. Are humans a plague, and if so what is our purpose, why has God let us ruin so much of this perfect gift he gave us. I wonder if he gets sad at all, to watch us struggle.
I watch and see theories born, ones that make humans seem more 'God' like, and in control. And as this happens we deny that there is a need for a creator. We become existentialistic, there is no after life, no true purpose, so we struggle to make meaning out of the short existence we do have . Even those of us who believe in an afterlife, have existentialistic tendencies. We accumulate and accumulate, and horde, and somehow believe that what we accumulate (whether it be deeds, or material) will somehow bring actual meaning to our life. I hear, see, read, feel.. so many things that discourage me. Entitled we believe ourselves to be. Americans so independent. So much better than the world. Do we not see the interconnectedness of it all. How one huge mistake on our behalf, can change the face of the world.
Sometimes I feel like a helpless peon. I often think, can't beat 'em, join 'em. But I can't. I cant join. Never could, not fitting in is the way I find that I do fit in to this messiness of humanity. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that one person can make a difference. I see how Hitler made a huge impact.. how easy it was for him to make a horrid one in such a quick amount of time. Is it as easy to make a positive one? How does one go about doing so?
Do we truly find it so easy to believe we are better than something.. if not others. Example: Slavery.. how else can one justify slavery other than to say they are worth more than a particular set of people. Then when this particular thing (slavery or whatever it be) is the norm, how does someone feel its not right?
How did the idea of women's rights even form, when for hundreds if not thousands of years, women were left with no rights. Who questioned these ideas, what made slavery bad, and women voting good?
With all these questions, I wonder what ideas do I buy into currently, that in one hundred, or a thousand years will be looked at as moronic. Is it the fact that I go to the store and justify buying a ten dollar set of head phones because its ten dollars regardless of the fact that it was made by slave labor, or by little children's hands? Can I really pretend that because I don't see horrible conditions that they don't exist? And since they obviously do, what can I and what should I do about them. Can this peon of a human see what's wrong, and actually choose to change it in myself, and educate others so that they feel as passionate about this change as I do?
I want to know what makes us tick, and what makes us follow along behind others bad choices, and then what makes some of us different, what makes the select few who make the big changes. How does that happen?
The actual question I have for myself after writing all of this, is can I be quiet. Can I be still. With so much motion around me, so much fast paced life, can I sit, and wait for Gods voice. Maybe if I could be still, I'd hear God tell me what I needed to change, and just knowing where he wants me, would make it so much easier, and I would feel so much more capable, less like an insignificant peon. So I am challenging myself. To moments of silence. Moments of stillness. More than just a minute, and more than just five. I want to silence all those doubts, I want to learn the art of being still in God.
Is it just me, or is it human nature to let the world effect my emotions so much. I feel as though everything is interconnected. Other peoples moods, actions, can change how I see the world, even how I see myself. Some days I see hope, but then there are days (which are most) I see and feel despair. I see a dying human race. One that believes itself to be indestructible, yet it destructs everything in its path.
I often think of the matrix when I think of humanity.
I think of what Agent Smith said about the human race : "I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure." I wonder how true this statement is. Do I believe this statement. Are humans a plague, and if so what is our purpose, why has God let us ruin so much of this perfect gift he gave us. I wonder if he gets sad at all, to watch us struggle. I watch and see theories born, ones that make humans seem more 'God' like, and in control. And as this happens we deny that there is a need for a creator. We become existentialistic, there is no after life, no true purpose, so we struggle to make meaning out of the short existence we do have . Even those of us who believe in an afterlife, have existentialistic tendencies. We accumulate and accumulate, and horde, and somehow believe that what we accumulate (whether it be deeds, or material) will somehow bring actual meaning to our life. I hear, see, read, feel.. so many things that discourage me. Entitled we believe ourselves to be. Americans so independent. So much better than the world. Do we not see the interconnectedness of it all. How one huge mistake on our behalf, can change the face of the world.
Sometimes I feel like a helpless peon. I often think, can't beat 'em, join 'em. But I can't. I cant join. Never could, not fitting in is the way I find that I do fit in to this messiness of humanity. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that one person can make a difference. I see how Hitler made a huge impact.. how easy it was for him to make a horrid one in such a quick amount of time. Is it as easy to make a positive one? How does one go about doing so?
Do we truly find it so easy to believe we are better than something.. if not others. Example: Slavery.. how else can one justify slavery other than to say they are worth more than a particular set of people. Then when this particular thing (slavery or whatever it be) is the norm, how does someone feel its not right?
How did the idea of women's rights even form, when for hundreds if not thousands of years, women were left with no rights. Who questioned these ideas, what made slavery bad, and women voting good? With all these questions, I wonder what ideas do I buy into currently, that in one hundred, or a thousand years will be looked at as moronic. Is it the fact that I go to the store and justify buying a ten dollar set of head phones because its ten dollars regardless of the fact that it was made by slave labor, or by little children's hands? Can I really pretend that because I don't see horrible conditions that they don't exist? And since they obviously do, what can I and what should I do about them. Can this peon of a human see what's wrong, and actually choose to change it in myself, and educate others so that they feel as passionate about this change as I do?
I want to know what makes us tick, and what makes us follow along behind others bad choices, and then what makes some of us different, what makes the select few who make the big changes. How does that happen?
The actual question I have for myself after writing all of this, is can I be quiet. Can I be still. With so much motion around me, so much fast paced life, can I sit, and wait for Gods voice. Maybe if I could be still, I'd hear God tell me what I needed to change, and just knowing where he wants me, would make it so much easier, and I would feel so much more capable, less like an insignificant peon. So I am challenging myself. To moments of silence. Moments of stillness. More than just a minute, and more than just five. I want to silence all those doubts, I want to learn the art of being still in God.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Wanted : life partner
I wrote this on Sunday just thought I’d share this journal entry:
Lately I have felt slightly alone. Wishing I had my own special someone. I have a running add in my head, kind of like a personal add. I guess my loneliness got to me when I saw Jen and Greg get married. They got married almost 5 years to the date after I did. And now I am not married. It was a bit disheartening for me. I wanted a companion, and now I am one of the few single people I know. Over the weekend I was reminded of God’s love for me, of his fight, and pursuit. I often say if I remarry or date, the guy I date will have to pursue me to no end. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that my companion is God. He is my partner, my helper, my confidant.
I haven't been a believer for very long, in my opinion I am still a toddler Christian... or a small child. I've believed for 7 years. I know I was still young when I discovered Gods love for me; however I will say it wasn't made easy. I denied and refused God very often. I would make excuses for the gifts he gave me and refute the possibilities of a God who loved me. I would argue against him. In every argument I had, I now find that those arguments are for him. I didn't see that then. It is so silly to me that one goes around denying the very existence of God.
When I was 17 I would have been so disappointed in my 26 year old self, but my 26 year old self sees how I needed God to pursue me in order to love him the way I do today. I got to find God all on my own. People pushed me, I'd push back. God knew me so well; he knew I loved a challenge. I took world religion classes, history courses at college, all to be able to fight the waves of Christians that bombarded me on a weekly basis. God knew that I was a seeker; he knew just how to draw me in. He found the right people to surround me with. He surrounded me with a very zealous group of Christians. They would challenge me, and I would challenge back. God sat back slowly waiting for me. I believed that most the Christians I encountered were brain washed sheep. He let me know I could do it on my own, with my own free will, and still be me, while loving him.
I find it funny to think back to how he won me over, the man at the gas station, the movie a walk to remember, and music. Most of all music, he broke me through music.
I've always loved the acoustic sound, and when I was 15 I had a theme song that I would play over and over on my CD player. My friend Cheryl gave me the CD. She didn't know who the artist was, and neither did I, but I loved that song. After a weekend trip to ocean shores, I ruined my CD, much to my dismay I could never find that song again. Saturday I was watching a movie with Nevaeh, and that song was in the back ground. I looked it up amazed at how beautiful I thought it still was. It was called let that be enough by Switchfoot.
I found this highly amusing. Switchfoot was the first Christian music band I liked, I fell in love with their music on the sountrack for a walk to remember, and was highly discouraged when I found out they were a Christian band. BUT I still bought their CD. Switchfoots music in some ways helped me to discover that I really did love God. And now that I know that song was by them, I see how enduring Gods pursuit of me was. I had wanted to find that song recently, but couldn't remember enough lyrics to look it up. After many years, God got my attention and reminded me that he was my partner, through a Kids movie. It was a nice surprise. I cried. I may try to run from his love often, but I can’t. I can’t escape it. I am so grateful, he is a pursuer and that he doesn’t give up.
God is my perfect companion. I don't need anything else.
Let That Be Enough Lyrics By Switchfoot
I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
Lately I have felt slightly alone. Wishing I had my own special someone. I have a running add in my head, kind of like a personal add. I guess my loneliness got to me when I saw Jen and Greg get married. They got married almost 5 years to the date after I did. And now I am not married. It was a bit disheartening for me. I wanted a companion, and now I am one of the few single people I know. Over the weekend I was reminded of God’s love for me, of his fight, and pursuit. I often say if I remarry or date, the guy I date will have to pursue me to no end. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that my companion is God. He is my partner, my helper, my confidant.
I haven't been a believer for very long, in my opinion I am still a toddler Christian... or a small child. I've believed for 7 years. I know I was still young when I discovered Gods love for me; however I will say it wasn't made easy. I denied and refused God very often. I would make excuses for the gifts he gave me and refute the possibilities of a God who loved me. I would argue against him. In every argument I had, I now find that those arguments are for him. I didn't see that then. It is so silly to me that one goes around denying the very existence of God.
When I was 17 I would have been so disappointed in my 26 year old self, but my 26 year old self sees how I needed God to pursue me in order to love him the way I do today. I got to find God all on my own. People pushed me, I'd push back. God knew me so well; he knew I loved a challenge. I took world religion classes, history courses at college, all to be able to fight the waves of Christians that bombarded me on a weekly basis. God knew that I was a seeker; he knew just how to draw me in. He found the right people to surround me with. He surrounded me with a very zealous group of Christians. They would challenge me, and I would challenge back. God sat back slowly waiting for me. I believed that most the Christians I encountered were brain washed sheep. He let me know I could do it on my own, with my own free will, and still be me, while loving him.
I find it funny to think back to how he won me over, the man at the gas station, the movie a walk to remember, and music. Most of all music, he broke me through music.
I've always loved the acoustic sound, and when I was 15 I had a theme song that I would play over and over on my CD player. My friend Cheryl gave me the CD. She didn't know who the artist was, and neither did I, but I loved that song. After a weekend trip to ocean shores, I ruined my CD, much to my dismay I could never find that song again. Saturday I was watching a movie with Nevaeh, and that song was in the back ground. I looked it up amazed at how beautiful I thought it still was. It was called let that be enough by Switchfoot.
I found this highly amusing. Switchfoot was the first Christian music band I liked, I fell in love with their music on the sountrack for a walk to remember, and was highly discouraged when I found out they were a Christian band. BUT I still bought their CD. Switchfoots music in some ways helped me to discover that I really did love God. And now that I know that song was by them, I see how enduring Gods pursuit of me was. I had wanted to find that song recently, but couldn't remember enough lyrics to look it up. After many years, God got my attention and reminded me that he was my partner, through a Kids movie. It was a nice surprise. I cried. I may try to run from his love often, but I can’t. I can’t escape it. I am so grateful, he is a pursuer and that he doesn’t give up.
God is my perfect companion. I don't need anything else.
Let That Be Enough Lyrics By Switchfoot
I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
Visual Purple
Visual purple, I say these words to my little sister Sarah, and she looked at me confused. What is visual purple...? Did you make that up, you must have, she says to me. I explain to her its the idea that it takes time for our eyes to see at night.
Def :
Rhodopsin, also known as visual purple, is a pigment of the retina that is responsible for both the formation of the photoreceptor cells and the first events in the perception of light. Rhodopsins belong to the G-protein coupled receptor family and are extremely sensitive to light, enabling vision in low-light conditions. Exposed to light, the pigment immediately photobleaches, and it takes about 30 minutes to regenerate fully in humans.
After explaining to Sarah what visual purple was, she looked at me still confused, and said well explain your whole theory again.. the one you have that says life recently is like visual purple.
So I thought it would be fun to write out my feelings on life right now, and see how clearly I can make my new concept seem to myself, Sarah, and anyone else who may read this.
I've found it hard to adjust to the season I am in. I have had a tendency lately to feel sorry for myself. Which is a normal human inclination, I know. But God doesn't want me that way. Even if my life seems hard to me, in comparison to the rest of the world, I am seriously lucky. I have a vehicle, running/ clean water, electricity, grocery stores just a mile away that carry fresh produce and food, and I have quick access to medical attention. I am amazingly blessed. Yet I still find that adjusting to this new season of life is hard.
In the past two years I have seen a lot of hardships, economic downfalls, and people losing their homes, their marriages, and many other losses. I have also been blessed enough to see new marriages and new life be brought into this world. All this change that has occurred is amazing. It takes some adjusting to.
Some people have said to me that my current circumstances are just a temporary season. This may or may not be true. For the most part even if it wasn't true, life is just a season and when God calls me home all the stress will be over, end of season. My friend Monica brought up in my women’s group, what she heard at a leadership summit. She said the leader had a profound thought, and something she hadn’t really considered, he said “what if the economic hardships of America are not just a passing season. What if this is how it is”. Monica said something that has been spinning in my head for the past few days, “no matter what the season we find ourselves in we should always help one another”. There is always going to be someone better off than us and someone worse off than us. No matter our situation we should find a way to reflect God, and find away to help one another. If not financially, we should feel compelled to help in some way or another.
My visual purple for life is taking its time. Just like with my eyes, I have to be in the dark for a half hour to actually attain the ability to see well at night, maybe God wants me in this hard spot so I can see how to make my life, and others lives, better. Making it better doesn't mean having more things. It’s an attitude, an adjustment. So life is like the process of visual purple, I realize now the need to be in the dark in order to see the light. It’s a simple truth that I have found, the light is always there.
Def :
Rhodopsin, also known as visual purple, is a pigment of the retina that is responsible for both the formation of the photoreceptor cells and the first events in the perception of light. Rhodopsins belong to the G-protein coupled receptor family and are extremely sensitive to light, enabling vision in low-light conditions. Exposed to light, the pigment immediately photobleaches, and it takes about 30 minutes to regenerate fully in humans.
After explaining to Sarah what visual purple was, she looked at me still confused, and said well explain your whole theory again.. the one you have that says life recently is like visual purple.
So I thought it would be fun to write out my feelings on life right now, and see how clearly I can make my new concept seem to myself, Sarah, and anyone else who may read this.
I've found it hard to adjust to the season I am in. I have had a tendency lately to feel sorry for myself. Which is a normal human inclination, I know. But God doesn't want me that way. Even if my life seems hard to me, in comparison to the rest of the world, I am seriously lucky. I have a vehicle, running/ clean water, electricity, grocery stores just a mile away that carry fresh produce and food, and I have quick access to medical attention. I am amazingly blessed. Yet I still find that adjusting to this new season of life is hard.
In the past two years I have seen a lot of hardships, economic downfalls, and people losing their homes, their marriages, and many other losses. I have also been blessed enough to see new marriages and new life be brought into this world. All this change that has occurred is amazing. It takes some adjusting to.
Some people have said to me that my current circumstances are just a temporary season. This may or may not be true. For the most part even if it wasn't true, life is just a season and when God calls me home all the stress will be over, end of season. My friend Monica brought up in my women’s group, what she heard at a leadership summit. She said the leader had a profound thought, and something she hadn’t really considered, he said “what if the economic hardships of America are not just a passing season. What if this is how it is”. Monica said something that has been spinning in my head for the past few days, “no matter what the season we find ourselves in we should always help one another”. There is always going to be someone better off than us and someone worse off than us. No matter our situation we should find a way to reflect God, and find away to help one another. If not financially, we should feel compelled to help in some way or another.
My visual purple for life is taking its time. Just like with my eyes, I have to be in the dark for a half hour to actually attain the ability to see well at night, maybe God wants me in this hard spot so I can see how to make my life, and others lives, better. Making it better doesn't mean having more things. It’s an attitude, an adjustment. So life is like the process of visual purple, I realize now the need to be in the dark in order to see the light. It’s a simple truth that I have found, the light is always there.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Divorce isn't for dummies
July 2nd, tomorrow, marks the year anniversary of my Divorce to Shawn. Its crazy, because I still remember the day we got married, it seemed as close to me as yesterday. It was only an hour ago that I filed for separation, and a moment ago that I sat in the court room as the judge told me my marriage was now dissolved. It’s a very surreal feeling.
I don’t know exactly what I should be feeling today. Shawn and I have been apart for over two years, yet, some sadness about what happened still lingers inside my soul.
What exactly is divorce? Is it what the dictionary says? Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons.
Why do people get divorced, or do such awful things to one another, that divorce is the only sanctuary? Why is Divorce a rampant disease in the US. In general the US makes up for just under 5% of the world’s population. Our culture has somehow decided that divorce is an out dated old fashioned ridiculous notion. 68% of marriages end in divorce. Somehow we have taught our people that quick fixes, instant gratification is better than any long term goal. With this in mind, did we ever stop to think that since we told ourselves our first marriage was doomed to fail, because more than half of marriages do.. so its ok to be divorced and move on.. and then do we realize that with this thought process it makes statistics on 2nd and 3rd marriages even more viable. Second marriages at about 60% and marriages after that are at about a 75% divorce rate. It’s a silly notion to me. Why get married if we don’t want to try. I think some marriages should end. But not all marriages, and I very much doubt that 60 % of our marriages are all ‘bad’ marriages. Not all couples have an unfaithful partner, or an abusive partner. Why don’t we believe in being faithful? Being in a relationship, one that can last, and one that is good, is hard work. Why are we afraid of a little pain, sweat, and hard work? As a culture are we lazy? What is our culture, and what does it represent? What does it look like to the other 95% of the world?
With our country representing a very small population with the second highest divorce rate in the world, what about some of the largest populations, are they as likely to divorce? No. They are not. India is the second largest country, population wise, in the world. India holds 17% of the world’s population and only about 1% of people get divorced. WHY? If divorce really reflects the reality of the world, and that the idea of divorce is out dated, does this mean the US not living in reality? I looked into the views Indians seemed to carry, and generally I would say Indians have a fairly practical view of marriage. Most of their society is based on a tolerance for different belief structures and the recognition that no one really gets along at all times. Overall this would result in a more positive outlook on marriage. Also, gender roles seem to be more clearly defined there. This results in less conflict on a day to day basis.
Maybe it’s the laws of divorce. Maybe our lawmakers have made it easier for us. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted. There are many types of divorce, No-fault, fault, mediated, collaborative, and uncontested. 49 out of 50 states in United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws, with grounds for divorce including incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require such proof of fault. In the United States, only New York State still requires fault for a divorce. With only one state having a fault based divorced, this makes for a lax set of regulations. We can get divorced because we got bored, because we got lazy.
I’ve also seen women blamed for the rising rate of divorce. In countries where women have a lot of rights, the divorce rate is higher. But perhaps in countries that aren't divorcing, that have smaller divorce rates, perhaps those people aren't happy, or were forced to marry?
Should marriage even be about happiness?
Do we really believe it’s someone else's job to make us happy? If they don’t, we divorce them, and move onto the next person to make us happy? No one will ever make us happy. Happiness is a daily choice. It happens with in ourselves, not outside of ourselves.
Maybe I shouldn’t be asking why we divorce or what causes divorce. Perhaps I should be asking, the why of why are we marrying? Maybe if we knew more about ourselves, about how hard relationships were, we would marry less, but also divorce less. Again I ponder is marriage out dated. I don’t think it is. If marriage was out dated, people wouldn’t have the desire to have a mate, or partner. We all desire partnering up, having fellowship, some of us have friends for life, so why can’t we have a mate for life? I believe marriage is good and should be done for all the right reasons, not all of the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t for dummies, or for lazy people, it’s a lifelong effort.
I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I got divorced. I went into the idea with a heavy heart. I feel the day I got my decree stamped, that God lost a war. But I also felt free. Free from the lies my Ex fed me. If I would have stayed married, I’d still be separated. My ex didn’t have a faithful heart. I have a jealous heart. I can’t share my spouse. I was greedy for him, and because of this, I had to leave. He was never greedy for me. I needed him to be faithful, loving, and greedy in his love for me. We needed to be free from the hurt that we caused one another. Free to find the truth about what a good relationship should be. I hope and pray that when I remarry, my next partner feels the way I do about marriage. That it’s hard. That you have to be there for one another, and that you never leave a partner behind.
I don’t know exactly what I should be feeling today. Shawn and I have been apart for over two years, yet, some sadness about what happened still lingers inside my soul.
What exactly is divorce? Is it what the dictionary says? Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons.
Why do people get divorced, or do such awful things to one another, that divorce is the only sanctuary? Why is Divorce a rampant disease in the US. In general the US makes up for just under 5% of the world’s population. Our culture has somehow decided that divorce is an out dated old fashioned ridiculous notion. 68% of marriages end in divorce. Somehow we have taught our people that quick fixes, instant gratification is better than any long term goal. With this in mind, did we ever stop to think that since we told ourselves our first marriage was doomed to fail, because more than half of marriages do.. so its ok to be divorced and move on.. and then do we realize that with this thought process it makes statistics on 2nd and 3rd marriages even more viable. Second marriages at about 60% and marriages after that are at about a 75% divorce rate. It’s a silly notion to me. Why get married if we don’t want to try. I think some marriages should end. But not all marriages, and I very much doubt that 60 % of our marriages are all ‘bad’ marriages. Not all couples have an unfaithful partner, or an abusive partner. Why don’t we believe in being faithful? Being in a relationship, one that can last, and one that is good, is hard work. Why are we afraid of a little pain, sweat, and hard work? As a culture are we lazy? What is our culture, and what does it represent? What does it look like to the other 95% of the world?
With our country representing a very small population with the second highest divorce rate in the world, what about some of the largest populations, are they as likely to divorce? No. They are not. India is the second largest country, population wise, in the world. India holds 17% of the world’s population and only about 1% of people get divorced. WHY? If divorce really reflects the reality of the world, and that the idea of divorce is out dated, does this mean the US not living in reality? I looked into the views Indians seemed to carry, and generally I would say Indians have a fairly practical view of marriage. Most of their society is based on a tolerance for different belief structures and the recognition that no one really gets along at all times. Overall this would result in a more positive outlook on marriage. Also, gender roles seem to be more clearly defined there. This results in less conflict on a day to day basis.
Maybe it’s the laws of divorce. Maybe our lawmakers have made it easier for us. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted. There are many types of divorce, No-fault, fault, mediated, collaborative, and uncontested. 49 out of 50 states in United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws, with grounds for divorce including incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require such proof of fault. In the United States, only New York State still requires fault for a divorce. With only one state having a fault based divorced, this makes for a lax set of regulations. We can get divorced because we got bored, because we got lazy.
I’ve also seen women blamed for the rising rate of divorce. In countries where women have a lot of rights, the divorce rate is higher. But perhaps in countries that aren't divorcing, that have smaller divorce rates, perhaps those people aren't happy, or were forced to marry?
Should marriage even be about happiness?
Do we really believe it’s someone else's job to make us happy? If they don’t, we divorce them, and move onto the next person to make us happy? No one will ever make us happy. Happiness is a daily choice. It happens with in ourselves, not outside of ourselves.
Maybe I shouldn’t be asking why we divorce or what causes divorce. Perhaps I should be asking, the why of why are we marrying? Maybe if we knew more about ourselves, about how hard relationships were, we would marry less, but also divorce less. Again I ponder is marriage out dated. I don’t think it is. If marriage was out dated, people wouldn’t have the desire to have a mate, or partner. We all desire partnering up, having fellowship, some of us have friends for life, so why can’t we have a mate for life? I believe marriage is good and should be done for all the right reasons, not all of the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t for dummies, or for lazy people, it’s a lifelong effort.
I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I got divorced. I went into the idea with a heavy heart. I feel the day I got my decree stamped, that God lost a war. But I also felt free. Free from the lies my Ex fed me. If I would have stayed married, I’d still be separated. My ex didn’t have a faithful heart. I have a jealous heart. I can’t share my spouse. I was greedy for him, and because of this, I had to leave. He was never greedy for me. I needed him to be faithful, loving, and greedy in his love for me. We needed to be free from the hurt that we caused one another. Free to find the truth about what a good relationship should be. I hope and pray that when I remarry, my next partner feels the way I do about marriage. That it’s hard. That you have to be there for one another, and that you never leave a partner behind.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Inspired -Waiting and Seeing
What inspired my blog below was a wonderful song called Wait and see by Brandon Heath.
The following are the lyrics, Enjoy!
I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive
I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right
There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet
I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright
I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth
Chorus
Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something
So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight
Chorus
The following are the lyrics, Enjoy!
I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive
I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right
There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet
I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright
I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth
Chorus
Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something
So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight
Chorus
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Its getting Hotter, or is that everyone else?
This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown. 
The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.
I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.
But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.
World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?
If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.
I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.
Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.
The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.
I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.
But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.
World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?
If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.
I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.
Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tears, Laughter, the same thing?
What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?
I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.
I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.
Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.
I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.
I also want to adopt a kid.
I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.
These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.
Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?
Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?
I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.
There are so many wants...
God, what is it that you want from me?
Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.
I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.
I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.
Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.
I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.
I also want to adopt a kid.
I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.
These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.
Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?
Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?
I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.
There are so many wants...
God, what is it that you want from me?
Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Daydreaming about star trek and other things
Why can't Star Trek be reality. It seems like the federation had a great goal, Ugh. Perhaps I enjoyed that movie too much, it has me day dreaming entirely to much. Wishing I wasn't so human. I find myself wishing us Humans would learn a thing or two from Star Trek. Is it possible for humans to survive self-destructive ways, to solve the problems we have here, collaborate, and work together as a species? Sure, the humans in the show and movie are always getting into fights but Earth in the "Star Trek" universe is an egalitarian, Utopian planet. The vision that Star trek seems to gleam toward is that we Humans would use our time and talents to explore the universe in a peaceful manner. It seems that the message star trek producers give us is that if we could get past our petty fights and stupid wars, and worked together we would go where no one has gone before.
Since star trek, and Star fleet is an imaginary example, I ponder the existence of any peaceful beings that grace the Earth's surface. Is an example of peace the Amish societies? Can we learn to live the way they do, at peace with ourselves and our neighbors? At peace with the essence of the human condition?
After all this I wonder still.. what is the human condition?
Lately I feel doomed to inherit the condition of being human. I wish perhaps I was Vulcan.. free of emotion.
But unfortunately, that is a huge day dream. I am so full of emotion, Its locked into who I am. I fear that my emotion or humanity will over run me, and I too, will become like the people I once admired, whom I now, don't even respect. Is the human condition one of doom, of sickness? Do we become monsters and always make monstrously hurtful decisions?
I read the following on page 71 of East of Eden by John Steinbeck. "I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads and tiny bodies; some are born with no arms, no legs, some with three arms, some with tails or mouths in odd places. they are accidents and no one's fault, as used to be thought. Once they were considered the visible punishments for concealed sins. And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul? Monsters are variations from the accepted normal to a greater or less degree. As a child may be born without an arm, so one may be born without kindness or the potential of conscience. A man who loses his arms in an accident has a great struggle to adjust himself to the lack, but one born without arms suffers only from people who find him strange. Having never had arms, he cannot miss them. sometimes when we are little we imagine how it would be to have wings, but there is no reason to suppose it is the same feeling birds have. No, to a monster the norm must seem monstrous, since everyone is normal to himself. To the inner monster it must be even more obscure, since he has no visible thing to compare with others.
To a man born without conscience, a soul-stricken man must seem ridiculous. To a criminal, honesty is foolish. you must not forget that a monster is only a variation, and that to a monster the norm is monstrous."His words stick out, they say so much, so effectively. Its an almost answer to my ponderings, and yet not at all.
Is there a possibility for monsters to not exist? For peace and cooperation amongst humans? Is it possible for us not to be corrupted? I look inward, at my own failures and short comings and I sigh. I sigh because I realize how I am not even a step in the right direction. I have done so many things that are monstrous, I have allowed the human condition to affect me.
Sigh. I can only change me, and hope that one day the world will change too.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Going through the EMOtions
A good majority of my younger days I spent time dwelling in my sorrow. I loved sorrowful books, poems, and things that helped me feel like crying was normal. My favorite saying is one of sadness. It comes from the book the joy luck club and is how I got the name for this blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola. I always found it an untrue statement for myself, but one that amused me. I consider myself a person who does like to dwell in the sorrow, and drink it up, but since I love Coca cola so much and drink it so often, I just never thought it could be possible to swallow more sorrow than the coca cola I drank. I felt it was important to know my emotions. If I really felt through my circumstances I would understand me better.
In my recent days, or this past two years, I've turned off my emotions. I felt I had to many to deal with. Its too hard to feel everything. So much sorrow I had to swallow and digest, so much more than coca cola at that time, so much anger, confusion, fear, and at the same time the joy of being a mother and having wonder friends and family. With so much emotion coming at me, I started to avoid it. What I once enjoyed swimming in, the way I used to know myself, and understand my life, I started avoiding. Not only did I avoid my emotions, I strayed away from sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I became less and less myself.
If a bad memory or stressful situation has come across my table, I look at it and ignore it. I turn off the parts of me that have to feel it. I shut down. I feel I have been gone for the past two years. I have slowly been resurfacing. With me slowly returning, I could still try to avoid some emotions. However events have happened that have forced me to confront my situation. To force me to confront and deal with my emotions. I decided last night to let myself cry. To embrace the suckyness along side the goodness.
I have to accept that my husband abandoned me.
I have to accept that I am now a single mother.
I learned to accept that I need to reach to God for companionship always first and foremost
I accept that my life is a giant teeter totter lead by God.
I accept that I need to be ok with feeling sad,
and I also need to remember that I should never swallow more sorrow than coke, I need to find the joy in between.
I have been blessed iin my life. I realize just how lucky I really am. I am in my book one of the luckiest people I know. Even with this said, I accept that I am allowed to feel the sting of sadness. I think God knew I was prone to weepiness, prone to sorrow, and he bested me with some really good armor. Lately I reckognize this armor in the form of my bestest friend Jenny. She may be a bit of an emo wreck as well, but she embraces it. She rocks the emotion. Then lets it go and sees how truely shiny and happy everything can be. The potential for good in her world is that of an innocent child. I have never felt this way about life, I have always seen the potential for bad and worse, and I know that God gifted me her, so I could be shown the potential GOD wants seen.
Here is a poem that is an evolution from an old poem I wrote about pain
Its called Pain
Often I wonder about pain
How it causes weakness to form in the heart
Curiously I cry pondering the possibilities
Can I wear a mask to hide that which obviously deforms me
With no resolution I slowly become all that is sadness
I wonder what why I was doomed to feel so much
For what reasons why I valiantly protect my anguish
Is it because I am corrupt with in my very soul
Is my own mind so chaotic, so troubled
That I must hide it away from everyone including myself
Why must I always react in a way that ignores my essence
Does it truly matter that there are defects that can be seen
This moment I was made to be full of sorrow
Perhaps next time it will be full of joy
Accepting this ache is all I feel convicted to do
No longer will I allow the mask of pain to wear me
In my recent days, or this past two years, I've turned off my emotions. I felt I had to many to deal with. Its too hard to feel everything. So much sorrow I had to swallow and digest, so much more than coca cola at that time, so much anger, confusion, fear, and at the same time the joy of being a mother and having wonder friends and family. With so much emotion coming at me, I started to avoid it. What I once enjoyed swimming in, the way I used to know myself, and understand my life, I started avoiding. Not only did I avoid my emotions, I strayed away from sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I became less and less myself.
If a bad memory or stressful situation has come across my table, I look at it and ignore it. I turn off the parts of me that have to feel it. I shut down. I feel I have been gone for the past two years. I have slowly been resurfacing. With me slowly returning, I could still try to avoid some emotions. However events have happened that have forced me to confront my situation. To force me to confront and deal with my emotions. I decided last night to let myself cry. To embrace the suckyness along side the goodness.
I have to accept that my husband abandoned me.
I have to accept that I am now a single mother.
I learned to accept that I need to reach to God for companionship always first and foremost
I accept that my life is a giant teeter totter lead by God.
I accept that I need to be ok with feeling sad,
and I also need to remember that I should never swallow more sorrow than coke, I need to find the joy in between.
I have been blessed iin my life. I realize just how lucky I really am. I am in my book one of the luckiest people I know. Even with this said, I accept that I am allowed to feel the sting of sadness. I think God knew I was prone to weepiness, prone to sorrow, and he bested me with some really good armor. Lately I reckognize this armor in the form of my bestest friend Jenny. She may be a bit of an emo wreck as well, but she embraces it. She rocks the emotion. Then lets it go and sees how truely shiny and happy everything can be. The potential for good in her world is that of an innocent child. I have never felt this way about life, I have always seen the potential for bad and worse, and I know that God gifted me her, so I could be shown the potential GOD wants seen.
Here is a poem that is an evolution from an old poem I wrote about pain
Its called Pain
Often I wonder about pain
How it causes weakness to form in the heart
Curiously I cry pondering the possibilities
Can I wear a mask to hide that which obviously deforms me
With no resolution I slowly become all that is sadness
I wonder what why I was doomed to feel so much
For what reasons why I valiantly protect my anguish
Is it because I am corrupt with in my very soul
Is my own mind so chaotic, so troubled
That I must hide it away from everyone including myself
Why must I always react in a way that ignores my essence
Does it truly matter that there are defects that can be seen
This moment I was made to be full of sorrow
Perhaps next time it will be full of joy
Accepting this ache is all I feel convicted to do
No longer will I allow the mask of pain to wear me
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Nevaeh
My lil girl is almost Two and a half years old. She will be officially so in 18 or so days. It is amazing how fast time goes. It was just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant, and a moment ago when she was born. I know that in a blink of an eye she will be grown up.
Nevaeh is one of a kind. It is obvious to me that she is going to grow up to be a lion, she bosses everyone around, and is a serious control freak. She often tells people no, and goes about her business in a very deliberate fashion.
I thought it would be fun to share her insanities with the world. Or better put, her strange behaviors.
Any insect or arachnid, except for a fly, is called a spidermans
She is most afraid of a fly, when she sees one she runs and screams.. fi.. fi.. fi.. fi...
Soda is called popcorn
She loves to sing strange songs, just yesterday sge made up a song, with the words, I see the moon moon , I love you moon
She loves her jersie and bosses her around all the time
She hates being in her car seat, she fights to get out of it the entire time shes in it
Her favorite show is Dora the explorer
She likes to talk to me on the phone when I am gone, she plays the I love you more game with me. We yell I love you more, then finally I say I love you equally and she says I love you icky.
Shes so independent now that she has to pick her own outfits, if I want her to wear something I have to convince her that its amazing.
She recognizes people in pictures, even people she doesn't see that often. My best friend Krystal hasn't seen neve for over two months now and Neve saw a picture of her today and said ook mommy kysta. She call karissa 'kissa' and always calls Tannan 'tannan micheal'. She even recognizes peoples cars. At church she pointed to Jennys car, and at that moment I was unaware that she could even do that.
I am lucky because of this independence. She loves to do what I do, and do it by herself. She wants to sweep, clean up floors, do laundry, and take care of me when I don't feel very good.
Its strange to me that my little princess was born so huge. She was a giant newborn, and now is a petite two year old.
She is the most amazing little person I have ever known. I am blessed to be her mother.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
its a matter of time
Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense? Like everything you do is just a battle that is going to be lost anyways.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.
We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.
We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.
We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.
Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.
So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.
In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.
The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.
Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.
Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.
I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?
It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.
I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.
We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.
We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.
We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.
Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.
So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.
In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.
The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.
Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.
Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.
I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?
It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.
I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.
Monday, March 23, 2009
veg... going... going.. gone
Last month before I turned the big 26, I found myself in an old pattern, Vegetarianism. Over the last few months I bought vegetarian meats to cook for myself, but when I was with other people, I would still eat meat. My slow transition back into vegetarianism, is probably one many people could have seen coming. By the time February rolled around, it was getting harder and harder to continue to be a meat eater.
When I was 12 I became a vegetarian. I remained this way until I became pregnant with my daughter Nevaeh. At the request of my then husband and OBGYN I started to eat meat. I had been a vegetarian for nearly 12 years. I was always a very sensitive and picky eater. I remember the last day I ate fish, I was 5, and had just figured out what fish sticks were. Same with anything else that lived underwater. By the time I was 12 my mother let me have my way and allowed me to be picky.
I am not a vegetarian for health reasons, even though it would be nice to say I was. I am because I can hardly stand the thought of eating an animal. It saddens me. I can't stand the thought of killing another creature, one that can feel, just to feed me. There are so many other types of food sources available, it just doesn't seem necessary to me. I am not saying I am against farming, well I am against big farms, but small farms are ok. I am not against other people eating meat, I am just saying it truely isn't for me.
Alot of people do not understand this. With in christianity, I get the typical, well God allows for it BS. My reply is he also calls for good stewardship of our animals and mass farming isn't good stewardship at all. God also created other food sources, thus I don't think he really cares if I am a vegetarian or not. Other people who dont understand just dont understand why I care so much for the animal. I just do. I over think everything. Its almost impossible to turn off my ever spinning brain.
Anyways... I have officially gone back to my ways. And honestly its difficult to not go full board this time, to go vegan. However, I can't give up cheese, and even if rice cheese could satisfy my love for regular cheese, I could never give up honey, and to be an official vegan you can't even eat honey!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Ghosts of Birthdays Past
I was born on February 19th, 1983, sometime in the early morning. My mother was just sixteen at the time, but she birthed me out on her eldest brothers birthday. My uncle Maury and I are 21 years apart. Growing up, it was the best thing I believed could happen to me. Sharing my birthday with a beloved Uncle.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.
Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.
Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Containment
I've been thinking alot about my beliefs lately. About God. I complain and complain about how we put him in a Box. I complain about how complicated we make God, how all of the sudden in our society he becomes unreachable. We are afraid of him, hes a right winged prolife republican anti Obama God who wont love us if we don't fit the ALL American Mold. I get frustrated because I am none of those things. I have a love for my country. I feel it aspires at all the right things, and fails at the worst of them. We create this God of fear. So our Loving Jesus gets lost in the mess.
I have a love for God, and yet I find I contain him as much as other people do.
He is never big enough to solve a problem.
He is never the first one I turn to when I am in need.
Easily ignored, and second Guessed. Because he is unseen by me I must be to invaluable for him to even acknowledge.
I'm not saying I feel unloved by God. Or that I don't feel the Grace of Jesus at every minute. I'm saying that I am beginning to realize that I too put containers on my God. I don't allow him in to every aspect of my life. I put my own spin on what he is. He is big enough to do task X, but since Y is different God doesn't apply.
Yesterday this thought was really pushed into motion. I was in Seattle and at the Westlake mall their were Five or Six demonstraters on the corners of the main street. They were holding signs that read things like "for the wages of sin is death" and shouting things about how people were going to go to hell. As I walked past these demonstraters, I was holding hands with my sisters. There were so many people downtown that if we weren't strung together, we would have ended up on opposite sides of the street. Well one of these people saw us holding hands, and started yelling about our sexual sin. He said confess now, lesbianism is Wrong. He yelled some other obscenties my way, and then began to yell at other people. He yelled at the people with multi colored hair and a woman wearing an obama shirt.
I feel that the only thing he succeeded at was driving people away from God. Not toward God. This man judged on appearence. He knew none of us. Yet he felt compelled to call a black pot pink? He didn't get it. He didn't get how Gods Love is bigger than the apperance. He contained Jesus to a small and narrow box and thus showed other people that don't understand or know God yet.. that God is narrow minded.
I read a womans, who will remain nameless, blog about how she is super Christian. She believes that the United States is Gods nation, that white people are Gods people. She offends me. However I find alot of people fall victim to this thought. They beleive that this is a christian nation, we deserve to be great, we deserve the best and its ok to trample on other nations or other people with different beliefs or people who are different from us. Its not only our nation who believes this, other people around the world believe that their religion of choice is right, that their nation and its beliefs are superior. Its just disguisting to me, to box ourselves, or Our God in. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, or whatever religion you find yourself belonging to.. the God in each emphasis Love and thinking beyond what we know, compassion, patience and morality.
I find the human race in general to be a disgusting thing. I like in the matrix how the Smith character compares us to a Virus. Populating one area until the resources are gone, then moving on to destroy the next. I get frustrated at people, and our disgusting ways. Our beliefs, how mean we are to one another, how quickly we show just the opposite of what God teaches. God teaches love, and we show hate. We claim to be christians, and we live a false life, quoting verses at people on the streets, yet we don't abide by any of those things in truth.
I start to believe that God must find us disgusting as well. How can he look down on all the good things he has given us and watch us destroy them? He is doing nothing to stop us from being completely crooked.! He must not care.! Right? Hes done nothing... does no one see what is going on here? This thought takes me over. I become like a Zombie. Ignoring the world. Too offended by it to even look up.
POOF. God hits me. He tells me to stop putting the world, its people, and Him especially into this little box that contains little socks that read one size fits all. He is not a container!
God has been making it pretty obvious. Its like lightening striking. It hits me. I see it. I see it, other people have seen it. We are just too afraid to stand up to the wrong doings. God did think outside of the Box, he put me in situation X to try to change it, yet I didn't see that. I just thought he was too small to fix it, that he didn't do anything. But then I realize, he did. He loved me, hes showed me his love. He wants me to point the way to him.
I disgust myself.
I can act all right and all moral, but God sees my heart. I want to have a heart that is like Gods. I don't want to box God in any more. I want to see the oppertunities he is giving me and use them. I want to live with a passion, to stop being the zombie I know I have been.
I have a love for God, and yet I find I contain him as much as other people do.
He is never big enough to solve a problem.
He is never the first one I turn to when I am in need.
Easily ignored, and second Guessed. Because he is unseen by me I must be to invaluable for him to even acknowledge.
I'm not saying I feel unloved by God. Or that I don't feel the Grace of Jesus at every minute. I'm saying that I am beginning to realize that I too put containers on my God. I don't allow him in to every aspect of my life. I put my own spin on what he is. He is big enough to do task X, but since Y is different God doesn't apply.
Yesterday this thought was really pushed into motion. I was in Seattle and at the Westlake mall their were Five or Six demonstraters on the corners of the main street. They were holding signs that read things like "for the wages of sin is death" and shouting things about how people were going to go to hell. As I walked past these demonstraters, I was holding hands with my sisters. There were so many people downtown that if we weren't strung together, we would have ended up on opposite sides of the street. Well one of these people saw us holding hands, and started yelling about our sexual sin. He said confess now, lesbianism is Wrong. He yelled some other obscenties my way, and then began to yell at other people. He yelled at the people with multi colored hair and a woman wearing an obama shirt.
I feel that the only thing he succeeded at was driving people away from God. Not toward God. This man judged on appearence. He knew none of us. Yet he felt compelled to call a black pot pink? He didn't get it. He didn't get how Gods Love is bigger than the apperance. He contained Jesus to a small and narrow box and thus showed other people that don't understand or know God yet.. that God is narrow minded.
I read a womans, who will remain nameless, blog about how she is super Christian. She believes that the United States is Gods nation, that white people are Gods people. She offends me. However I find alot of people fall victim to this thought. They beleive that this is a christian nation, we deserve to be great, we deserve the best and its ok to trample on other nations or other people with different beliefs or people who are different from us. Its not only our nation who believes this, other people around the world believe that their religion of choice is right, that their nation and its beliefs are superior. Its just disguisting to me, to box ourselves, or Our God in. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, or whatever religion you find yourself belonging to.. the God in each emphasis Love and thinking beyond what we know, compassion, patience and morality.
I find the human race in general to be a disgusting thing. I like in the matrix how the Smith character compares us to a Virus. Populating one area until the resources are gone, then moving on to destroy the next. I get frustrated at people, and our disgusting ways. Our beliefs, how mean we are to one another, how quickly we show just the opposite of what God teaches. God teaches love, and we show hate. We claim to be christians, and we live a false life, quoting verses at people on the streets, yet we don't abide by any of those things in truth.
I start to believe that God must find us disgusting as well. How can he look down on all the good things he has given us and watch us destroy them? He is doing nothing to stop us from being completely crooked.! He must not care.! Right? Hes done nothing... does no one see what is going on here? This thought takes me over. I become like a Zombie. Ignoring the world. Too offended by it to even look up.
POOF. God hits me. He tells me to stop putting the world, its people, and Him especially into this little box that contains little socks that read one size fits all. He is not a container!
God has been making it pretty obvious. Its like lightening striking. It hits me. I see it. I see it, other people have seen it. We are just too afraid to stand up to the wrong doings. God did think outside of the Box, he put me in situation X to try to change it, yet I didn't see that. I just thought he was too small to fix it, that he didn't do anything. But then I realize, he did. He loved me, hes showed me his love. He wants me to point the way to him.
I disgust myself.
I can act all right and all moral, but God sees my heart. I want to have a heart that is like Gods. I don't want to box God in any more. I want to see the oppertunities he is giving me and use them. I want to live with a passion, to stop being the zombie I know I have been.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sub Sandwich Type Memories
Its been a while since my last post. I honestly don't have much to say right now. I've been writing paper after paper for school, and all my creative juices have left my finger tips. However, at the request of my Crispy McFeather, I will jot down something that makes me smile whenever I think of it.
Many, Many years ago, when my friend Heather still lived in Washington, I went to Jetty Island with her, her dad, and her two brothers. It was the summer time, and her family picked me up from my home. They had packed snacks, and her dad wanted to get sandwhiches from the Sub Place near our home. I had never had a sub before. I rembember feeling leary as they bought these sandwhiches. I remember asking Paul (Heathers dad) what a sub was. I know I didn't think it was a sandwich.
After our stop at the subshop, we headed straight to Jetty Island. I had never been there before, and I know Heather had. I remember her telling me how great it was. According to Heather, however, alot of things where either really great, or not at all. I remember she told me that we would be taking a boat ride to the island. I remember envisioning something spectacular and amazing. When we got to the parking area of the Marina, and walked to the loading area for Jetty Island, I saw the boat. It was a simple transport boat. Nothing grand like I had envisioned, but to Heather, it was still amazing.
When we got to the island one of the first things we did was eat. Heather and I shared a sandwhich, so whatever was on it was picked by her, but I rember that first bite. That first bite is whats been wrong with me for the last 14 or so years. I am in love with Sub type sandwhiches. They are one of my favorite foods. Just the idea of them makes me drool... ahhhh.. YUMM!
After we were finished esting, we walked around the shore. I remember feeling like an explorer with my best friend by my side. I remember thinking it was a pretty area. But my fondest memory I can't fully remember. I rember bits and peices, and I wish I could remember more. I know that Heather and I were walking out in the water, to see how far we could go. The shallow water seemed to go on forever, we walked and walked until shore seemed millions of miles away and the water never passed our waists. At some point in our walk, one of flung sand at the other. I remember reaching into the water, to grab the sand below my toes, and shoving it in her face. We were laughing and screaming. Wrestling, neither of us willing to submit or loose. This is what made us both loose however. We had shoved so much salt water in eachothers mouths that we began to puke. I remember puking for a long time. I remember thinking that it totally sucked. However, even though our day ended up vomit filled, I still beleive that day to be one of the best days I have ever had.
My childhood memories are often very vague, many details missing, and I wish I could remember them better, even this one. I long to remember what it was we were screaming as we shoved sand in each others faces. I long to see my friend, to hold her hand, to feel like an explorer again. To this day that is the only time I have been to Jetty island. I plan every year to go, but for some reason it just wouldn't feel the same with out my Heather. I don't want to go back until she comes with, so it may be another decade until I see that place again.
Many, Many years ago, when my friend Heather still lived in Washington, I went to Jetty Island with her, her dad, and her two brothers. It was the summer time, and her family picked me up from my home. They had packed snacks, and her dad wanted to get sandwhiches from the Sub Place near our home. I had never had a sub before. I rembember feeling leary as they bought these sandwhiches. I remember asking Paul (Heathers dad) what a sub was. I know I didn't think it was a sandwich.
After our stop at the subshop, we headed straight to Jetty Island. I had never been there before, and I know Heather had. I remember her telling me how great it was. According to Heather, however, alot of things where either really great, or not at all. I remember she told me that we would be taking a boat ride to the island. I remember envisioning something spectacular and amazing. When we got to the parking area of the Marina, and walked to the loading area for Jetty Island, I saw the boat. It was a simple transport boat. Nothing grand like I had envisioned, but to Heather, it was still amazing.
When we got to the island one of the first things we did was eat. Heather and I shared a sandwhich, so whatever was on it was picked by her, but I rember that first bite. That first bite is whats been wrong with me for the last 14 or so years. I am in love with Sub type sandwhiches. They are one of my favorite foods. Just the idea of them makes me drool... ahhhh.. YUMM!
After we were finished esting, we walked around the shore. I remember feeling like an explorer with my best friend by my side. I remember thinking it was a pretty area. But my fondest memory I can't fully remember. I rember bits and peices, and I wish I could remember more. I know that Heather and I were walking out in the water, to see how far we could go. The shallow water seemed to go on forever, we walked and walked until shore seemed millions of miles away and the water never passed our waists. At some point in our walk, one of flung sand at the other. I remember reaching into the water, to grab the sand below my toes, and shoving it in her face. We were laughing and screaming. Wrestling, neither of us willing to submit or loose. This is what made us both loose however. We had shoved so much salt water in eachothers mouths that we began to puke. I remember puking for a long time. I remember thinking that it totally sucked. However, even though our day ended up vomit filled, I still beleive that day to be one of the best days I have ever had.
My childhood memories are often very vague, many details missing, and I wish I could remember them better, even this one. I long to remember what it was we were screaming as we shoved sand in each others faces. I long to see my friend, to hold her hand, to feel like an explorer again. To this day that is the only time I have been to Jetty island. I plan every year to go, but for some reason it just wouldn't feel the same with out my Heather. I don't want to go back until she comes with, so it may be another decade until I see that place again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)