Monday, November 5, 2012

Self actualization and its shades of grey

Maslows hierarchy of needs; a theory created for us observers of human nature so we can attempt to understand when people do not meet their full potential. One's full potential according to Maslow is considered self actualization. This is the ability to seek self fulfillment, growth and pusure own's personal desires. It would seem from a general perspective that many americans could easily self actualize and left me wondering if I had.

According to Maslow, people cannot self actualize with out having their very basic needs met. After these are met they can continue to move up the "heirarchy", moving toward self actualization. Biolgical needs are the most basic needs. These are needs such as sleep, food, & water. The next set of needs people can move to once their basic needs are met are their needs for safety. Safety needs are things like shelter and security. Once you have met your biological and safety needs you can move to belonginingness and esteem. Belongingness which is essentially having relationships. Esteem needs which is having needs met that produce self esteem. Once all of these needs are met, this is apparenlty when self acualization can begin to occur.

I would like to say I have lived a life in pursuit of becoming more aware. I spout on about consumer awareness, animal rights, womens rights, and as a profession I help others attempt to become self aware. I teach my clients
how to look at their choices, how to consdier what it is they truly want, and then assess if their actions meet these wants. Yet I fail to do this myself. More recently I concluded, I like most people, am content in the first 2 needs. Instant gratification is so much easier. They resemble the other needs, and do not require much effort. They are easy to fill and immediately rewarding. No work required.

 By meeting the 2 most basic needs I can easily convince myself, that I really have met them all. I have enough to eat. So much infact that I can have an excess of any object that I desire whenever I want. I want my pumpkin spice latte, I can go get it, afterall there are 3 starbucks with in 10 walking minutes from where I am sitting at this moment. Walking there means I am fulfilling ohter needs, getting exercise and self improvement in right? I have shelter and live in as safe as place as any. What more could I want? If I feel lonely I can always log on to facebook, or send out a text message. I feel insecure, I seek affirmation. All of this basic functioning has encourage my belief that I am meeting my belonging and esteem needs. Meeting the first 2 needs can be so primal that the last 2 needs feel as though they are being met. How do I really meet them?

I go through with what I say I am. I take my existing relationships and spend time on them. I meet my friends where they are at. I love my sisters and parents for who they are. I seek relationships that are not simply convenient or easy. But relationships that are meaningful. Meaningful equals work. I continuously encourage others to make meaningful connections, yet, I am one of the most guilty individuals I know for being content with not. In reality I am one big "talker". Its truly discouraging to figure this out about myself. But shows me, that perhaps I am ready to move beyond the first two levels. Perhaps I am ready to take the risks of moving outside of basic comfort and make some giant leaps towards real self improvement.

What in your life really matters? Is it something you would die for? Do you believe it is always something that will matter? Did it matter 10 years ago? Life is a perpetual complex of grey lately. I enjoy something temporarily and then realize wow, there is nothing about that I truly enjoyed. For example I read the books "Fifty shades of grey". The author did a fabuolous job captivating me using the ultimate factor "shock". Maybe I am old school, maybe I don't really fit into my own society, but after thinking back on what those books represented, I felt ill that I had read them all so avidly. I could not put them down. I had to turn each page and went 2 days with out sleeping just so I could read them all. In hindsight, that was really silly. The author really captured my need to be instantly gratified. I was captivated and could not look away. When what had my attention finally ceased to "exist" I was able to truly process all I had just taken in. I had just read about a man who had experienced horrifying and traumatic life experiences. These life experiences led him to live an excessive life of control. Through out the book there were explicit sex scenarios that in many ways mis-represented the capabilities of many women, and in turn enforces many stereo types. The first stereo type is "dark" men make better lovers. The other being that us women should have an easy time "getting off" as long as the man is mysteriously "bad". Another is that victimized individuals are all dark and all need to be rescued by some form of an innocent person. From the perspective of a person who works closely with individuals who have experienced traumatic life events, this books sets a very unrealistic presedence for these individuals. It sets unrealistic expectations on women, and on men.

This book is just a small example of the grey in my life. There is a vast array of things I want to do and find important. Simply put I would like to change the world, but finidng the time to participate in the activities I care about doesn't seem to exist. My free time... is after 9 at night. I work, go to school, and play mommy everyday. I feel that I am falling apart at the very seams of my soul. I feel alone... and showered in uncertainty of my future. I know what I would like, yet the grey versions of what I want surround me. Then there is the girl who has beliefs. She struggles with her human side, the side of desire.

I decided it is time for me to take some risks. I teach my clients this. Constantly. change it up, do something new, unknown and perhaps a bit uncomfortable. Something that takes effort but when done, will be ultimately rewarding. I found myself asking one of my clients, if you don't do it now, when will you? It hit me hard. If I am not going to change certain things now, when will I? Will I always put it off? will I always say.. tomorrow, I can work on that tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come because it is not guaranteed. So what I can guarentee is that I will ask myself the question I ask my clients.. if not now, when? Its time to take the risk of being uncomfortable. 3..2..1... Here I go.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Vernacular Matters

Many of you know that I am in school, on my way to becoming an MSW. This quarter we wrote an essay about in regards to a vision for change. This was a great assignment. Thinking of all the things I would like to change. There are so many. For me a multitude of ideas matter. For this assignment I wrote about how language mattered.

In my essay I shared the idea : It is my opinion awareness of our language and how it may be used is a capability all human beings possess. The way we speak to others and about others matters. Language can foster acceptance and trust. At the same time it can foster hate, confusion, and discrimination. Words are a very powerful tool.

Vernacular matters. It is one of my most important weapons of our time. Healing and deadly.

In the beginning of my life I was much more opinionated than I am at this time. I never cared if my opinion infringed on others. I over stepped feelings an carelessly tried to change the world around me by asserting my beliefs with out regards to the beliefs of others. I used my vernacular to make people feel small. I was talented at this. Not something I am proud of. I look back and like my belief systems, but not the way in which they were carried out.

I feel like I have lost the 'who I am' over the last decade. I have officially lost my title as 'perfect'. Not that I ever was. But I have humbled myself to a new me. One who sees her imperfections, acknowledge them, and hopes to change.I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippie of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc. I am an aware consumer, environmentally concerned and very interested in the occupy movements. I wish I knew more people like me. I do not. Sometimes I wonder how I became 'who I am'. My newest goal is to wake up every morning trying to be the best version of myself possible. This person watches what she says to others. She is willing to take in the words and advice of others. At the same time I am allowed to be free and to be myself. The opinionated 'different' one in the group.
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As I learn I feel myself growing more opinionated than I have ever been. It is hard to be in the room with someone I disagree with. Life choice, ideas, the way they speak, etc. I am challenging myself to change. I am bringing my ideas in. If they are not received or heard it does not mean that they are 'wrong'. However it also does not mean the opposing party or opinion is wrong either. Its a hard concept to grasp.

I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippy of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc.

When I lost myself I cared so much about what others thought. I stopped being myself. I needed to be accepted. I had never really been accepted. Even though I was silent (for me) I still feel as though I am disliked by my peer systems. So therefore its not worth being silent. Finding myself means I care only about what God would think. I love others by respecting who they are and not forcing the who I am upon them.

I am allowed to use my words to challenge and to accept. I pray that God use me. That God wakes me from were I have been. That I can become the woman I know he created. The one has so much compassion for everything it makes her appear crazy. I pray that I can accept who I am and stop trying so hard to change that. Its OK for people to not like me. Its not about me anyways, its about changing the world for the benefit of others and not myself.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Because I am single

This may start off like a sorrowful post. Yes... yes.. I have been writing a lot about single-dom... but hey, it is all I know. Being Single

So today is Valentines day. I call it the happy singles awareness to their awkwardness day. Its a holiday to show the people you love that you love them. I do not have any significant other, yet I want to give a shout out to the loves of my life!

Jesus- Thank you for all your sacrifices. For your forgiveness and for my life.

Nevaeh- Thank you for loving me like crazy. For being my daughter and making me laugh an infinite amount of times a day.

Mother- Thank you for bringing me into this world and tolerating me these past 28 (nearly 29) years. For guiding me to being the woman I am.

Grandma- For always teaching me about Jesus' love.

Karissa- thanks for being my baby sister. You always have my back I know I'll be ok as long as your around.

Malerie- Thank you for allowing me to be me. For floating the river a multitude of times and never complaining how we both stink life river and fish afterward.

Sarah- Thank you for partaking in the weird activities of my daily life. For knocking over those cones and speeding off.. for laughing like a hyena with me in grocery stores.

Uncle Marty- For showing me what a quality human being looks like. For taking me to movies and being a dad for all intensive purposes

Uncle Mo- For Swedish pancakes mo style, giving me perspective on the outdoors, and sharing your birthday with me.

Heather F. - For being the love of my life. For your daily encouragement its needed.

JP- For loving my heather feather and beign a man of style and respect.

Heather P- For being my tigger and showing me a love for exercise.

Nic P. For being a fellow Eyore and always checking in on me.

Jenny L- For your optimism in my moments of complete and utter negativity

Greg L- For showing me men can treat their wives wonderfully

Cheryl- For hill rolling and making teeter totters as grown adults.

Krystal- For tolerating my strangeness and just being there.

Amanda- For being there in moments of crisis

Monica G- For keeping me in check

Jen G- For your encouragement to accept others and challenge myself.

Kerina- For our long walks

Jersie- For being a faithful puppy and snuggling me when you know I am cold

Coca- for being Nevaehs faithful cat

Dew- For drooling so much and cuddling me in the middle of the night

Spock- For pretending to be a dog and being such a cool kitty.

TO my other family- thank you for being family

to my friends I didn't list- I love you and you are a huge part of my life. Thank you!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

What you ask for is the flaw???

After reading a blog by my friend Sarah B. that I felt shared the part of her that was awakening, I wanted to do the same. It feels every day this year I become more and more self aware. Often its painfully aware and uncomfortably so.

What do you spend your time asking for? From God and the life he gave you? The majority of my life has been spent asking for something I have never had. I have spent nearly 29 years asking for a family. So these last 29 years my focus has been in that direction. On what I do not have yet so desperately want.

I spent my teen years dreaming over the idea of my first boyfriend. He didn't come around until I was nearly 18. Even though he was a highly intelligent man I know he wasn't what God intended for me. Shortly after I met a man I would marry and divorce. I remember thinking that dating, being married and in a relationship would be so amazing. It was not what I hoped for or dreamed of. My divorce being so painful I ran away from relationships with men. This run only deepened the feeling inside me that I wanted a man to complete my family. I never had a dad. My husband left me. Broken. I just felt broken. Often I still do.

So I asked God to send me a man.

And over the last 18 months he has sent them. He has sent them in many shapes sizes and genres. Some looking like what I asked for, meeting my criteria.. but none meeting what I really needed or wanted. I can't believe the amount of men I have 'dated' in the last year. Its insane. I never wanted to date alot never took pride in that idea. Now I know why it was something I never really wanted to do. Its because in reality dating is empty. Dating can be so very hallow. I want more than dating. So much more that I don't even know that a husband is what I want anymore.

And what is that what do I really need or want.
Protect me from what I want.
Gods approval. Gods love. Simple really but so hard to gauge to fix myself upon to feel.. to know.. to trust.

I asked God again why he did not want to give me a 'family'. I felt him say 'look again'. So I did. I saw a family. A huge one. Sisters who I am incredibly close to. Family who has supported me at every turn. Fellow students in my school who have support my education journey, a church of family... my family is everywhere. Its bigger than a 'man'. Its much more fulfilling really.

When I think of that and think of all the time I spent focused on wanting a husband to change my life I never considered the ways God could transform my life. OR the tools he put inside me to create my own happy life, even though it was so broken.

He gave me passion for the needy. He got me into a elite program. He gets me through the days at school I feel terrified to do a project. He challenges me to lead and create events. He is growing me to do his will. When I focus on what I want... and what I don't have.. I don't see these things he wants me to do. I only see what I want to do.

I've woken up lately. To the idea that I need to do what he wants me to do. NEED because it is really what I want. Its really the part of me that makes me happy. How he is growing me and the gifts he has given me are the things that make me the most happy. His giving me multiple men over the last year showed me how men could not make me happy. His giving me school and passion for others has showed me what truly makes me happy.

I hope I can hold onto this. That I don't convolute myself into the what I don't have. Because I have more than enough, and more than I need.