Inspired -Waiting and Seeing

What inspired my blog below was a wonderful song called Wait and see by Brandon Heath.

The following are the lyrics, Enjoy!

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth

Chorus

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Chorus

Its getting Hotter, or is that everyone else?

This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown.

The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.

I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.

But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.

World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?

If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.

I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.

Tears, Laughter, the same thing?

What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?

I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.

I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.

Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.

I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.

I also want to adopt a kid.

I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.

These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.

Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?

Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?

I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.

There are so many wants...

God, what is it that you want from me?

Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.