Realizations

Today I woke up. Today I realized I was afraid. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live. I find defeat in everything and anything. I find I feel that success or peace is not meant to be mine. I want it.. but yet I feel I am one of those doomed people who will never have it.



I have a song I've been listening to. The first part describes exactly how I feel right now. And since I can't seem to get it out on my own... here it is



"Soul Meets Body" By death cab for cutie



I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new



Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a placewhere they’re far more suited than here







There is much more to the song... but those parts are exactly how I feel. I don't feel like my ideas are suited for me. I don't feel like I can even do anything. I feel failure before I've begun.



Obviously I am struggling with a lack of trust in God. Moreover a trust in who he made me. Its like I don't want to be me anymore.



More than that even I am disappointed in me. God made me different. Unique in so many ways, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. I have become complacent. Accepting... that this is the way life is. I find I am going with the flow, following the rules of the world, not my own, not Gods. I hate lemmings, and I feel I have slowly let myself become one. I see the worldly ways and see people have success from it. I envy this. I want it for myself. Yet the only thing keeping me from jumping full on the band wagon is the fact that God has made me different. I know I would never be happy being like everyone else... and I've tried.

I am still trying. I feel the sting from being unable to be like 'normal' people. I don't own a house, or a nice car. I am a single, divorced mom, of one. I don't have the 2.5 kids, 2 car garage, or the husband. Even if I'm not supposed to because I'm divorced, theres still the sting from the constant singleness. Since I am single I'm supposed to be on ther prowl, or dating. Then theres the I'm single and pretty factor, which causes alot of people to ask, why aren't you out meeting people at clubs. Why aren't you out getting wasted. I'm not doing any of these things. I don't want to. But I feel like I should be doing these things. And I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know who made all thes darn rules about what I should be doing with my life. I want to know why I stuff my wants away and accept what the world wants for me.

Rawr. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I don't like me at all.

Insanity. Becoming a lemming. Running away from who I am.

I just read a blog by a girl named Kellie Hazen. Or A note or poem. It was beautiful. She asked when was she gonna be more like God. Thats the perfect question. The question I need to be focusing on. Not focusing on being like the world, focusing on being more like God. Being more like the way he made me.



I dont

Snow Daze

So for the past Seven days, I have been snowed in. Thats right. At first It was great. Beautiful, fun, white, clean, wonderful SNOW. But today its a drag. I've become stir crazy and worse yet, forced to dwell on thoughts I otherwise don't deal with.

The snow does start off all wonderful. I snows while I sleep, I wake up and realize... well I'm stuck at my house. YES... STUCK. I'm not like most lucky people, I don't live next to civilization or on a county road. My road, doesn't get plowed, or sanded, and while most people are able to leave their own driveways, my car gradually became covered in 18" inches of SNOW!

My parents took me to their house for the first Three days. I quaded, kept entertained, enjoyed Jennys party on friday. Then to my dismay, I got frustrated. I quickly realized just how lucky I was before this fatal snowfall. I could go anywhere I wanted on a whim. A drive, to shop, to go get a coffee... but now I can't. Its amazing how quickly us Humans adapted to instant mobility.. and how hard it is for me.. to unadapt.

I have been forced to sit at home, watch movies, journal, text, and worst of all THINK. I don't even know why, but I hate thinking about my life right now. Its a burden. If I can avoid the reality of my situation... I do! Its difficult. I have been successful at not worrying, which is a huge feat for me, but me doing this successfully means, for me, that I avoid even thinking about it. Now I'm not gonna get into it all.. I'm just going to say its a God thing. God sent this Snow... maybe for me... maybe for alot of us.. but I like to think.. for me.. to force me to think about my life.

Today, by the grace of God, my dad decided to clear my road. He told me he didn't think I'd make it all the way out to Highway 9. I had to try. I got in the car, cruised up the road, made it up the hill.. only to have my car get stuck on ice... ! I had to be towed out. I could see the highway. I was almost free. But I wasn't, it was Gods way of showing me where he felt I was. It was so not AWESOME! To see it Gods way. Here I am always thinking I am right, believing I am perfect, that I got it right, all the way to his highway, that I was living the way he wanted. But then again, now in reflection I know I am not. I went stir crazy, but in the midst of it all, I cried. The reality was I didn't want to get out of my house, I wanted to get out of my own Brain. If I can't even deal with reality, if I have to escape, somethings not right.

So I must submit now. To the forces against me. To the forces that want my betterment. I submit to Gods love. He wants me here, he knows I need to be here, I just have to hear it now... I need to embrace Gods love.

Empty

So here is my new poem. Its kind of depressing as I am trying to be positive and happy... I still find it really easy to be...

Sorrowful

So my poem is called Empty

Enjoy!

My thoughts cannot be tuned by fading heart
cancer has striken my soul
It feels as though water has flooded my lungs
and my life torn apart
Aching, dying, last breathe, I'm thrown to the coal
this battle for me so lost
I see now that Im the one who is to blame
the searing lights lost their rung
Everything fallen apart, nothing the same
who I am, not what I was
Can you cure this disease of a dying soul
are you even listening
Beautiful disasters of life created by you
empty ignored, and unloved
I wait for you, restore this small empty crate
full cherished, and loved by God
Even when all I truely am isn't worthy
God will you restore this shame

Twilight Experience

For those of you who do not know, I became a serious fanatic of the Twilight series over the last year. I read all the books, saw the movie more than once and even dreamt of being bitten. However this blog isn't a critique on my favorite set of novels, or new favorite movie. Its about how easy it is to hope, to believe in something as non existant as Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Nothing about him is real, yet people around the world, have become facisnated with him as though he was real. Now I am not saying people truely beleive in him. But what I am getting at is the fact that it is so easy to beleive in something as make beleive as a vampire, yet the belief in God is often criticized. God has become the stuff of fiction. Science seems to try to exist with out faith. With out hope.

Hope isn't always easy. Neither is faith. To beleive in something you can not see and something you do not understand takes courage. I would have to say that reading a ficitonal book and becoming an avid fan gave me hope that people, perhaps, weren't lost at all. I believe God has just become harder for us HUMANs to see. His love, goodness, patience, mercy, joy, faithfullness, has been drowned out by our media, by our own negative thoughts.

Humans are programed to remember pain... it keeps us alive. iT keeps us from repeating deadly mistakes. So its easy to sit in front of the TV, or read the news paper and take in all the bad. For every 10 negative stories we hear about there might only be one positive one. We feed on the fear, on the negativity. We dont see the miracles. We see people loosing their homes, going hungry, terrorism in hotels, wars brewing... so we ask.. HOW could God allow all of this. God isn't good. He can't possibly exist in a world this bad, and if he does, he must not love us.! Right?

I feel bad for God sometimes. He gets a bad rap. He gets lumped in with us Humans. Just because we are bad. If we do something terrible, God gets blamed. The opposite doesn't tend to happen. Someone gets a great job with benefits an great pay and buys a beautiful house, they say I am so glad I got that education and that I worked so hard. God isn't part of why those things happened, yet when that same someone looses their home and job.. they say why God... WHY!

I believe now that you have to give people hope, feed them miracles, and then God would become easier to see. Our world drowns out hope. The one we have accepted any way. The majority of us have accpeted that miracles just dont happen anymore. Some of us have fought. Some of us keep fighting. We used to have shows like fact or fiction, unexplained mysteries, Real life miracles, but those shows have disappeared. I believe small shows like that, will keep people curious. Keep people hopeful.
I believe hearing about miracles, something unexplained will light a fire in a person. Keep them alive in the soul. I would call this the Twilight experience. Just reading about it would make you want it to happen to you.! So as member of our society, we should keep trying to find a way to feed other people hope. I want to do the same, I will do the same. I will work hard to focus on the good.. and faith wont seem so hard. Hope will become easy, and miracles they would happen daily.


My friend Heather told me last night that it snowed in Texas.! It took a lot of faith to just believe her text, but then I saw the pictures, and then I beleived. My point being it takes faith to believe. Sometimes we wont always be allowed to see the snow.. but faith.. makes believing.. and believing creates hope.

If we can believe it snowed in Texas, and that Edward Cullen truely is the perfect boyfriend, I think we can believe that God is Good and that he loves us. Its time for all of us to have a Twilight experience.

Police Agility Test

So Saturday, thats tomorrow, I go in for a police officer agility test. I have been practing for the test. I had talked to several other candidates looked online and got the minimum passing requirements. I trained enough to be able to pass those.

The minimum requirements were 30 situps in sixty seconds. The situps being brutal. You start off flat on you back, knees straight up, and hands clasped behind your neck. As you come up into the situp your elbows must touch your knees, and as you go down your knuckles must touch the ground. You can not bounce. Someone will also be holding your legs in place.

Then you must to as many consequtive pushups as possible. minimum is 21. You must be as flat as possible and go down 4" from the ground and then all the way back up, to where your arms are completely straight.

Then there is the 300 meter sprint, which is nearly one lap around the track. The minimum time is 71 seconds.

Finally ther is the 1.5 mile run. The minimum time to complete this run is 14:31.

If you don't pass any of these by the minimum you instantly fail. So if I do the the minimum I keep moving on to each physical test. However this doesn't mean I get a passing grade. AND I just found this out this week. THe minimum wont give me enough points to move on. I have to increase everything. Now this isn't easy. As it takes time to get faster, muscle, and the building of strength and endurance.

I need in order to pass to do 28 push ups, 4more than I currently am able to do. 34 Situps, in sixty seconds, 4 more than I practiced, and I barely made 30 in sixty seconds! I need to run the sprint in 63 seconds, nearly 8 seconds faster than I can now... and I am running darn hard. And I need to do the 1.5 mile in 14 minutes I can currently do it in 1420. This sucks for me. They are all small adjustments but in running seconds are hard to makeup and catch up. In the sprint, I am running already as hard as I can, I can't imagine going any faster but I have to inorder to move on.

So right now I am discouraged. I know I won't pass. I may come close, but I wont move on tomorrow. So yeah, it sucks.!

Memories

When I think back to my road to becoming enviromentally aware, animal friendly, and in love with all things natural, I realize my journey didn't start this year it started many moons ago. I remember shopping with my childhood bestfriend, Heather, when we were young. I'm not entirely sure how old, but it was before either of us could drive. Heather always had crazy ideas. She danced freely, loved independently and with out borders, and well most everything about her is unique, even the way she taught me to shop. Well we were in some store, lets cal it walmart, and we were probably arguing about what deodarants smelled better or which soaps were better for your skin. As we argued in this section of the store, she turned over the package she was holding, so I did the same. In my head I was ready for the competition, I thought she wanted to see the ingrediants and compare them. I was wrong, as soon as I turned my package over, she put hers back on the shelf and went to the next item. I asked her what she was looking for, she was looking for the words 'proctor and gamble'. She said if it had those words, she didn't want to buy the item. I asked her why and she explained to me that this company was a major sponsor in animal testing. She wanted to buy a creulty free product.

I don't think that before that moment I had really thought about the items I used. I didn't even realize that shampoos or toothpastes may have been used on an innocent kitty or puppy to get approved for me to use. Ever since that moment, I always turn the items around looking to see if it says not tested on animals or I look for the leaping bunny symbol which tends to mean the product is vegan as well as not tested on animals.Its strange how certain people set the pace for the rest of your life, how one event can effect you for forever and influence even the smallest of habits, my consumer habit.

I disagree with animal testing. If you have to test it to see if its going to burn someones skin off you probably shouldn't be using that dangerous chemical. Whats wrong with using natural ingredents, ones we have know about and have cleaned ourselves, our homes, prettied up our faces with for the last few thousand years? This new obsession with better feeling hair (chemicals killing your cells, in order to give the illusion of soft hair) or softer skin (aluminum entering you pores, opening them to give the illusion of soft skin) seems very shallow to me.



So if you are at all interested in finding out what products are not tested on animals visit leapingbunny.org. They have a list of make-up, household products, hair care, and body care vendors that are all animal cruelty free.