Perhaps because I am a poet at heart I am destined to be a bit moody and depressed. Maybe its because I am a woman or better yet, perhaps its the way I was created. I have a best friend who is always happy. I think its her nature to find the positive, and to just be bubbly. It feels like it is my nature, to be kind of the opposite. The drag. The worrier.
My mom was always worried about me. At one point in my youth I wore all black. I read dark books, and never let the sun touch my skin. She intervened by making me recycle my dark books, and either read peppy books or go out side. At the time I was mad at her, but looking back, she probably saved me from becoming some strange pale sad creature.. that I was obviously trying to be.
The name of my URL of my blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola, and then its name Sorrowful thoughts in a vintage light, are even a bit depressing. I know my mom doesn't approve, but yet I find my depressing names, some what creative. They are meaningful, and come from books I have read, and things ideas have changed my life. (So even though they sound some what depressing, mom, they really aren't :). )
My nature however has been slowly changing. Over three years ago I separated from my husband (now x). I thought I wouldn't make it. Yes I know I am a bit of a drama queen by saying that, but I did not think I WOULD EVER survive a divorce. It was only through Gods love that I did.
I was so angry for the longest time. So moody about my whole situation. Some times I still get moody about it. I find that I begin to think about what happened and the fact that its not what I had planned for my life. WHY does Gods plan have to be so different than mine? I wanted an intact family. I want to have a HUSBAND. I want to have the typical family unit. Is that really so much to want? I don't really believe it is so much to want. AND I can feel it that Gods design for me does, one day, include a husband. BUT for now, he wants me to master the art of being one with Him and being OK with my current situation.
Its easy to get side tracked, pulled away from faith. I focus on the fact that I now have a broken family. That my daughter has to live the life I NEVER wanted for her. I sit there and focus on this. Sometimes I focus so hard on the bad I forget about the truth of my situation. After telling a friend not to stare at a closed door, and to focus on some windows, I realized, I better do the exact same thing. Change my perception.
So I prayed. At first I felt God was being silent. It makes me mad when I feel his silence. I feel shunned. BUT most of the time, I realize I am not listening.. or in truth he is saying something that makes NO SENSE to me at the time, I SHUN him. Sad, but true.
After praying for a while, and being frustrated I decided to be angry. Then, I felt my anger swiftly get taken away from me by a few simple words.. that sounded like they came from my own brain, but really I know are his words. YOU HAVE A FAMILY!
What I have a family. ?? I am so busy worrying about what I do not have. I fill up my mind with unnecessary woes and cares, with don't haves. I forget the DO HAVES.
I may not have the typical family unit. But I do have Gods family. I know a decade ago, I would have died laughing at the thought of me considering a church my family, but today I do. My church family is real. So many people from my church love me, and I love them. Then theres my group of close lady friends. They are not just friends, in my last blog I entitled them sisters... And in doing so.. how was it not obvious to me then that Gods family.. was mine?? not sure.. but to continue.. even women I have just made friends with have become like family. Even some men friends have become like brothers. Who would have thought, I loose a family, but I never really lost my entire family. God provided me with a family unit so amazing.. that its depressing to me that I didn't realize it.!
So today I wake up again, so lucky, 2 whole days in a row, truly feeling Gods love. Today I can see it. I know it. I hope I don't forget it and go blind again.
My special thanks to all my friends and family at Allen Creek Community Church. (Ron, Helen, Twila, Janae, Trina, Mark, Debbie, Tim, Julie, Greg, Nate, JT, Jan, Judy, Norma, Chrissie, Valen, Sarah, the Hazens, Casey, and everyone else!) To my family (My mom, dad, my millions of sisters, my daughter, my nephews, my neices, my grandmothers, and grandfather)
All my bible study ladies (Jenny, Amanda, Monica) My close friends (Heather P and Heather F, Jamie, Krystal, Candis)
Thank you all for being my family. For being such a support to me. A blessing from God. You all show me that Gods Love is Real.
I love you all!
