Perhaps because I am a poet at heart I am destined to be a bit moody and depressed. Maybe its because I am a woman or better yet, perhaps its the way I was created. I have a best friend who is always happy. I think its her nature to find the positive, and to just be bubbly. It feels like it is my nature, to be kind of the opposite. The drag. The worrier.
My mom was always worried about me. At one point in my youth I wore all black. I read dark books, and never let the sun touch my skin. She intervened by making me recycle my dark books, and either read peppy books or go out side. At the time I was mad at her, but looking back, she probably saved me from becoming some strange pale sad creature.. that I was obviously trying to be.
The name of my URL of my blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola, and then its name Sorrowful thoughts in a vintage light, are even a bit depressing. I know my mom doesn't approve, but yet I find my depressing names, some what creative. They are meaningful, and come from books I have read, and things ideas have changed my life. (So even though they sound some what depressing, mom, they really aren't :). )
My nature however has been slowly changing. Over three years ago I separated from my husband (now x). I thought I wouldn't make it. Yes I know I am a bit of a drama queen by saying that, but I did not think I WOULD EVER survive a divorce. It was only through Gods love that I did.
I was so angry for the longest time. So moody about my whole situation. Some times I still get moody about it. I find that I begin to think about what happened and the fact that its not what I had planned for my life. WHY does Gods plan have to be so different than mine? I wanted an intact family. I want to have a HUSBAND. I want to have the typical family unit. Is that really so much to want? I don't really believe it is so much to want. AND I can feel it that Gods design for me does, one day, include a husband. BUT for now, he wants me to master the art of being one with Him and being OK with my current situation.
Its easy to get side tracked, pulled away from faith. I focus on the fact that I now have a broken family. That my daughter has to live the life I NEVER wanted for her. I sit there and focus on this. Sometimes I focus so hard on the bad I forget about the truth of my situation. After telling a friend not to stare at a closed door, and to focus on some windows, I realized, I better do the exact same thing. Change my perception.
So I prayed. At first I felt God was being silent. It makes me mad when I feel his silence. I feel shunned. BUT most of the time, I realize I am not listening.. or in truth he is saying something that makes NO SENSE to me at the time, I SHUN him. Sad, but true.
After praying for a while, and being frustrated I decided to be angry. Then, I felt my anger swiftly get taken away from me by a few simple words.. that sounded like they came from my own brain, but really I know are his words. YOU HAVE A FAMILY!
What I have a family. ?? I am so busy worrying about what I do not have. I fill up my mind with unnecessary woes and cares, with don't haves. I forget the DO HAVES.
I may not have the typical family unit. But I do have Gods family. I know a decade ago, I would have died laughing at the thought of me considering a church my family, but today I do. My church family is real. So many people from my church love me, and I love them. Then theres my group of close lady friends. They are not just friends, in my last blog I entitled them sisters... And in doing so.. how was it not obvious to me then that Gods family.. was mine?? not sure.. but to continue.. even women I have just made friends with have become like family. Even some men friends have become like brothers. Who would have thought, I loose a family, but I never really lost my entire family. God provided me with a family unit so amazing.. that its depressing to me that I didn't realize it.!
So today I wake up again, so lucky, 2 whole days in a row, truly feeling Gods love. Today I can see it. I know it. I hope I don't forget it and go blind again.
My special thanks to all my friends and family at Allen Creek Community Church. (Ron, Helen, Twila, Janae, Trina, Mark, Debbie, Tim, Julie, Greg, Nate, JT, Jan, Judy, Norma, Chrissie, Valen, Sarah, the Hazens, Casey, and everyone else!) To my family (My mom, dad, my millions of sisters, my daughter, my nephews, my neices, my grandmothers, and grandfather)
All my bible study ladies (Jenny, Amanda, Monica) My close friends (Heather P and Heather F, Jamie, Krystal, Candis)
Thank you all for being my family. For being such a support to me. A blessing from God. You all show me that Gods Love is Real.
I love you all!
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, February 20, 2009
Ghosts of Birthdays Past
I was born on February 19th, 1983, sometime in the early morning. My mother was just sixteen at the time, but she birthed me out on her eldest brothers birthday. My uncle Maury and I are 21 years apart. Growing up, it was the best thing I believed could happen to me. Sharing my birthday with a beloved Uncle.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.
Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.
Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sub Sandwich Type Memories
Its been a while since my last post. I honestly don't have much to say right now. I've been writing paper after paper for school, and all my creative juices have left my finger tips. However, at the request of my Crispy McFeather, I will jot down something that makes me smile whenever I think of it.
Many, Many years ago, when my friend Heather still lived in Washington, I went to Jetty Island with her, her dad, and her two brothers. It was the summer time, and her family picked me up from my home. They had packed snacks, and her dad wanted to get sandwhiches from the Sub Place near our home. I had never had a sub before. I rembember feeling leary as they bought these sandwhiches. I remember asking Paul (Heathers dad) what a sub was. I know I didn't think it was a sandwich.
After our stop at the subshop, we headed straight to Jetty Island. I had never been there before, and I know Heather had. I remember her telling me how great it was. According to Heather, however, alot of things where either really great, or not at all. I remember she told me that we would be taking a boat ride to the island. I remember envisioning something spectacular and amazing. When we got to the parking area of the Marina, and walked to the loading area for Jetty Island, I saw the boat. It was a simple transport boat. Nothing grand like I had envisioned, but to Heather, it was still amazing.
When we got to the island one of the first things we did was eat. Heather and I shared a sandwhich, so whatever was on it was picked by her, but I rember that first bite. That first bite is whats been wrong with me for the last 14 or so years. I am in love with Sub type sandwhiches. They are one of my favorite foods. Just the idea of them makes me drool... ahhhh.. YUMM!
After we were finished esting, we walked around the shore. I remember feeling like an explorer with my best friend by my side. I remember thinking it was a pretty area. But my fondest memory I can't fully remember. I rember bits and peices, and I wish I could remember more. I know that Heather and I were walking out in the water, to see how far we could go. The shallow water seemed to go on forever, we walked and walked until shore seemed millions of miles away and the water never passed our waists. At some point in our walk, one of flung sand at the other. I remember reaching into the water, to grab the sand below my toes, and shoving it in her face. We were laughing and screaming. Wrestling, neither of us willing to submit or loose. This is what made us both loose however. We had shoved so much salt water in eachothers mouths that we began to puke. I remember puking for a long time. I remember thinking that it totally sucked. However, even though our day ended up vomit filled, I still beleive that day to be one of the best days I have ever had.
My childhood memories are often very vague, many details missing, and I wish I could remember them better, even this one. I long to remember what it was we were screaming as we shoved sand in each others faces. I long to see my friend, to hold her hand, to feel like an explorer again. To this day that is the only time I have been to Jetty island. I plan every year to go, but for some reason it just wouldn't feel the same with out my Heather. I don't want to go back until she comes with, so it may be another decade until I see that place again.
Many, Many years ago, when my friend Heather still lived in Washington, I went to Jetty Island with her, her dad, and her two brothers. It was the summer time, and her family picked me up from my home. They had packed snacks, and her dad wanted to get sandwhiches from the Sub Place near our home. I had never had a sub before. I rembember feeling leary as they bought these sandwhiches. I remember asking Paul (Heathers dad) what a sub was. I know I didn't think it was a sandwich.
After our stop at the subshop, we headed straight to Jetty Island. I had never been there before, and I know Heather had. I remember her telling me how great it was. According to Heather, however, alot of things where either really great, or not at all. I remember she told me that we would be taking a boat ride to the island. I remember envisioning something spectacular and amazing. When we got to the parking area of the Marina, and walked to the loading area for Jetty Island, I saw the boat. It was a simple transport boat. Nothing grand like I had envisioned, but to Heather, it was still amazing.
When we got to the island one of the first things we did was eat. Heather and I shared a sandwhich, so whatever was on it was picked by her, but I rember that first bite. That first bite is whats been wrong with me for the last 14 or so years. I am in love with Sub type sandwhiches. They are one of my favorite foods. Just the idea of them makes me drool... ahhhh.. YUMM!
After we were finished esting, we walked around the shore. I remember feeling like an explorer with my best friend by my side. I remember thinking it was a pretty area. But my fondest memory I can't fully remember. I rember bits and peices, and I wish I could remember more. I know that Heather and I were walking out in the water, to see how far we could go. The shallow water seemed to go on forever, we walked and walked until shore seemed millions of miles away and the water never passed our waists. At some point in our walk, one of flung sand at the other. I remember reaching into the water, to grab the sand below my toes, and shoving it in her face. We were laughing and screaming. Wrestling, neither of us willing to submit or loose. This is what made us both loose however. We had shoved so much salt water in eachothers mouths that we began to puke. I remember puking for a long time. I remember thinking that it totally sucked. However, even though our day ended up vomit filled, I still beleive that day to be one of the best days I have ever had.
My childhood memories are often very vague, many details missing, and I wish I could remember them better, even this one. I long to remember what it was we were screaming as we shoved sand in each others faces. I long to see my friend, to hold her hand, to feel like an explorer again. To this day that is the only time I have been to Jetty island. I plan every year to go, but for some reason it just wouldn't feel the same with out my Heather. I don't want to go back until she comes with, so it may be another decade until I see that place again.
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