Out of Egypt

These past few years have been a spiritual struggle for me.  I have gone back and forth between being angry at God, ignoring God, and trying but failing to rekindle a love I feel I once had for my creator. I have felt that God isn't listening to me. That I have been forgotten.

About a month ago I received an email regarding the single life and patience.  I vaguely remember it. The only part that stuck out was that it talked about how God delivered his people from Egypt and something or other about how they longed to go back. The only reason I remember this (for those of you who know me well the answer is obvious) is because the word Egypt was involved. This moment at the time was greatly insignificant. Just more justification in my heart that God just doesn't get me and doesn't really care.  That same day, I was out at the beach, throwing sticks for my puppy crying... and asking God... to please please speak to me. I think I remember begging and yelling.. maybe even bribing. But at the time all I felt was alone and unheard.
About a week ago,  I opened up my Bible and the page I so happened to open to had to do with how God delivered his people from Egypt.
Well.. it should have struck me then... to pay attention.. but... as with all things, GOD must strike me over the head quite hard before I stop and listen.  But at this point all that occurred to me was well theres Egypt again, why does everyone hate on Egypt.    GOD in all the infinite Wisdom that a supreme being could possess... knows how I love intrigue and knows that is how I must be "reeled" in. So the following day I was listening to the radio in the morning. I have been doing my best to mix up my love for horrid techno rock music with a bit of praise mixed in.. about 1 song a day... I feel covers my worship singing abilities. So as I switched the station I caught the tail ed of the radio host saying something or other about Egypt.

That is when it occurred to me.  There is something about the story of Moses and the delivery of Gods people from Egypt that God wants me to look at.  Chance would be hearing or seeing the word once or twice... but I figure its not chance and I should investigate what messages I am missing.

So I dutifully googled the delivery of Gods people from Egypt. Yes I know. EPIC fail. Shoulda coulda woulda pulled out the bible.. but.. Google seemed to be the easiest way to solve my curiosity.  In reading I couldn't really relate to the story. Its a story I have heard at least a dozen times. And as it is my favorite story in the Bible.. I know it quite well.. so what is it that I am missing.

God was using my favorite story from the bible, and calling by attention to the particular aspect of deliverance from Egypt.

That  is when it occurred to me... what does Egypt symbolize. Egypt is what enslaved Gods people. Egypt is where God freed his people from. IT is what they longed to return to when they were afraid of the future.

God has rescued me from many poor choices. Poor choices in which I often enslave myself to committing over and over and over again.  When it comes to men and relationships in particular, I prefer to go back, rather than be alone.  It doesn't matter how awful the men or relationship truly was. Its familiar comforts are seemingly more secure than  the unknown of my future.  Just like the people of Egypt.. they wanted to turn around, to go back to the safety and comfort of what they were enslaved too... I want the same.

This notion and idea that occurred to me was confirmed tonight.

I do not usually leave my radio on christain stations. Today I did. When I got in my car after school and turned it on the bible study or discussion that I normally ignore and turn off immediately was on.  The speaker was.. can you guess... talking about how God delivered his people out of Egypt. The speaker shared that the people had such a struggle on the way to the promised land, they argued, failed to trust, and longed to go back to Egypt.

Sounds familiar. I believe God has told me that in my future their is a promised land. One with a  fulfilling and healthy relationship. One in which my life is much more stable than it is right now. Just like the Isrealites, my days are filled with uncertainty, doubt, mistrust, and unbelief.

Several times over the past 6 years of my dark journey I have tried to go back to something awful.  God apparently wants more for me. God puts up every obstacle possible so that I have difficulty returning. God continuously removes people from my life, whom, I begged at the time to have remain. God pushes me forward and onward. I am urged to be patient. As I feel I can not possibly go on, that this journey is so unbearable, I am beckoned away from where I long to return.  I do not know how long my journey is. I do not know when or if I will reach the promised land.

But I do know that tonight I feel loved. I feel like God did listen to me. He did speak to me. And most importantly I listened.

Dreaming with a broken heart

When your dreaming with a  broken heart waking up is the hardest part~ John Mayer

Its true. I am a dreamer. A big one. I love easily. Cry easily. I am full of hope for things that are so unrealistic... And I find that being this silly creature is nothing but heart ache. Hope unmet is empty. It is sorrow. Love unrequited is a black hole. Dreams unfulfilled, laughable.

Its the in-between. The "Eeyore" I frequently find in me.

My job, is amazing. It is a blessing to do what I do. To have the skills bestowed upon me that I do. GOD made me this dreamer. He gave me this compassion to love, care, to lack judgment, and cry easily for everyone and everything. He made me full of hope. Yet these gifts can be overwhelming. At times too much to bear. Every day I go to work, I am given a wake up call. Just when I think my life is hard or impossible... I hear a story.. that is unimaginable to me.  I can't fathom surviving what some of my clients have survived. Its heart wrenching. After the weeks over, the days over, I turn off. It hurts to know how much pain truly exists.

In my life I have had so much pain. Mostly centered around "men".. and this pain has put a big fat  hole in my life.... yet... I feel stupid that I let this hole, this desire for a "man" .. be so painful. There is real pain out there. There are real needs that must be met and how on earth will compassion ever meet those needs.

My job wakes me up. Yes I want to bury my head in the sand. But I see whats real. Where Gods people are. I see the reality of his family. Its broken, its tired, its at the end of its rope.. much like I have felt. Then I  wonder..

I am at the end of my rope. I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel scared.. how .. oh how can I even help anyone I serve when I am this mess?

I don't.

 I often feel alone. Not many people have seen what I have. Not many people get to experience this rude awakening of the reality of our world.  I can't do it alone. I desperately want to go back to the days before I experienced all my clients pain, before I created my own. I want to forget, to sleep well at night... but no matter what I try... I am painfully aware. I wonder.. what good is a gift of compassion when real needs exist.


My mess truly helps me to relate.

I realize this every moment more and more. Its not my job to 'fix' my clients. My job is exactly what Gods gifts have been to me.. the gifts of compassion, lack of judgment, of love and hope. Its so easy for me to see it in my clients. To see their potential. As my friend Heather puts it.. I see the diamond in every piece of coal...& she is right.  Its true.. I have a gift .. for finding something amazing about every person I encounter. My job is to help the people I meet, find this in themselves. Their success, failures, wellness.. has nothing to do with me, it is with in them. All people really need is someone to believe in them so that it can become safe to believe in themselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I know I feel a sense of sadness from serving where God wants me. A sense of hopelessness about my future, the future of man.. yet... somewhere in me.. I hope. I hope for my clients. I hope for myself and my own future. Again.. my gifts from God.. stupidly hoping .. rooting for the best the impossible...

Feeling silly .. feeling alone...

I continue on... just needed to get it out.. to vent and to feel heard.

Obedience Is Love

Tonight I can't sleep. I'm surrounded with swirls of ways I have failed God. Ways I do not trust him. Its infuriating to know that everything that has been difficult in my life has always found its meaning.. and in the long run.. been something good. But I still don't trust the plan. Trusting God irregardless of circumstance has always been my weak spot. I talk and talk about how I know it is.. and I do not change. Instead of changing.. seeking God when I am scared.. I ignore him. I do not talk to him, I punish him. Its ridiculous.


Right now a lot of things in my life seem to be sucky/stressful. Like always I have been having a very difficult time seeing past the suck/stressful stuff to see the hope. I do recognize how he has always been there for me before.. yet for some demented reason I doubt him now. My head keeps telling me.. this time.. Gods gonna let it all fall apart and make you pick up the pieces..

Then there's my soul.. it feels that God is there.. hes just taking his time. I don't feel like I've been very good at listening to him I've been deaf, blind, and dumb to his love lately. I am failing at the simplest parts of obeying Him. So tonight I decided I'm open to him. I'm waiting on him. I trust in him, and I will do what he asks.. whether or not I want to.


In rereading my blog.. I keep replaying the song While I'm waiting in my head. I even plan on singing it aloud to God.. kinda romancing him is the plan. Hoping that this time.. I wont fail in the trust department. I want to be more obedient to his will, and show him that I do love him.


While I'm Waiting lyrics

Artist: John Waller lyrics


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Twilight Experience

For those of you who do not know, I became a serious fanatic of the Twilight series over the last year. I read all the books, saw the movie more than once and even dreamt of being bitten. However this blog isn't a critique on my favorite set of novels, or new favorite movie. Its about how easy it is to hope, to believe in something as non existant as Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Nothing about him is real, yet people around the world, have become facisnated with him as though he was real. Now I am not saying people truely beleive in him. But what I am getting at is the fact that it is so easy to beleive in something as make beleive as a vampire, yet the belief in God is often criticized. God has become the stuff of fiction. Science seems to try to exist with out faith. With out hope.

Hope isn't always easy. Neither is faith. To beleive in something you can not see and something you do not understand takes courage. I would have to say that reading a ficitonal book and becoming an avid fan gave me hope that people, perhaps, weren't lost at all. I believe God has just become harder for us HUMANs to see. His love, goodness, patience, mercy, joy, faithfullness, has been drowned out by our media, by our own negative thoughts.

Humans are programed to remember pain... it keeps us alive. iT keeps us from repeating deadly mistakes. So its easy to sit in front of the TV, or read the news paper and take in all the bad. For every 10 negative stories we hear about there might only be one positive one. We feed on the fear, on the negativity. We dont see the miracles. We see people loosing their homes, going hungry, terrorism in hotels, wars brewing... so we ask.. HOW could God allow all of this. God isn't good. He can't possibly exist in a world this bad, and if he does, he must not love us.! Right?

I feel bad for God sometimes. He gets a bad rap. He gets lumped in with us Humans. Just because we are bad. If we do something terrible, God gets blamed. The opposite doesn't tend to happen. Someone gets a great job with benefits an great pay and buys a beautiful house, they say I am so glad I got that education and that I worked so hard. God isn't part of why those things happened, yet when that same someone looses their home and job.. they say why God... WHY!

I believe now that you have to give people hope, feed them miracles, and then God would become easier to see. Our world drowns out hope. The one we have accepted any way. The majority of us have accpeted that miracles just dont happen anymore. Some of us have fought. Some of us keep fighting. We used to have shows like fact or fiction, unexplained mysteries, Real life miracles, but those shows have disappeared. I believe small shows like that, will keep people curious. Keep people hopeful.
I believe hearing about miracles, something unexplained will light a fire in a person. Keep them alive in the soul. I would call this the Twilight experience. Just reading about it would make you want it to happen to you.! So as member of our society, we should keep trying to find a way to feed other people hope. I want to do the same, I will do the same. I will work hard to focus on the good.. and faith wont seem so hard. Hope will become easy, and miracles they would happen daily.


My friend Heather told me last night that it snowed in Texas.! It took a lot of faith to just believe her text, but then I saw the pictures, and then I beleived. My point being it takes faith to believe. Sometimes we wont always be allowed to see the snow.. but faith.. makes believing.. and believing creates hope.

If we can believe it snowed in Texas, and that Edward Cullen truely is the perfect boyfriend, I think we can believe that God is Good and that he loves us. Its time for all of us to have a Twilight experience.