More struggles of the single girl

So I know a lot of what I write about often has to do with my relationships... in reality my lack there of.. a relationship. Its crazy I genuinely believed when I got divorced I would be remarried by now.  I had absolutely no doubt in my mind. I believed I was waiting... waiting on God. Then I got fed up of waiting and went on my own man finding crusade. That crusade has ended in pain, mistakes, and some seriously bad decisions and events.
For those of you who don't know, I have been single for the last 6 years, divorced for just over 5.  When I pull comparisons.. the people who divorced around the same time as me.. are already married with more kids... I haven't even been able to keep a guy interested or stay interested in a guy for more than a few weeks.  Sad but true.  In my thirty years of living I have maybe been a relationship with a man for 5 years total.

It has occurred to me several times.. even throughout out this blog, that perhaps God does not want me to date. He wants me to be single.  Why. I don't want it. Perhaps my limited relationship time simply means... I am not meant to have those types of relationships. I cringe at that thought. Cringe that Gods plan for me equals a life with out romantic love.  I swear to you I can argue for hours about how my life will be better if I was married... all my reasons however.. have to do with me. They all start with I will have X, Y, Z.


I know if I asked any married person, their overall happiness and feeling of things they want to have or would like to have ... are probably around the same as mine.  I am not unhappy. I have often focused too much on what I don't have, not what I do have.  I have loneliness... and freedom.  They go  hand in hand. I have no one to figure out whose family we are celebrating holidays or birthdays with. I have no one I need to ask to make sure I can do something or spend a certain amount. I don't have to be accountable to any person but myself... and GOD.

I think what makes being single so hard in reality.. is that the norm is to be in relationships.

Seriously.. when I think of that I feel silly. I very rarely fit the norm. I drive people nuts with my oddities... I even am the odd one in my weird family.  But its true.. my single-ness stands out to me when I see people posting adding, engagement, kissing and cute family photos on Facebook. These things make me feel... in the worst ways... jealous.  I hate that feeling... I don't sit well with it. Its my least favorite emotion. I would rather feel sad and cry all day. But really sometimes I catch myself feeling like I am missing out some how.

But I don't believe its true. When I really think about it.. I am not missing out. Silly as it may be, but right now this is where God wants me.  He wants me single. Its loud and obnoxiously clear. Only God knows if it will end.  Part of me wants it to end... in 3, 2, 1... but the other part wonders.. what kind of life could I live if I really listened and obeyed the direction in which God leads me. For now he leads me to being single.  Finally feeling content.. and happy with just being me. 

Thank you to all the women who have helped me get to this place. My Heathers, my mother, Kelsey, and some other fabulous ladies. 

Out of Egypt

These past few years have been a spiritual struggle for me.  I have gone back and forth between being angry at God, ignoring God, and trying but failing to rekindle a love I feel I once had for my creator. I have felt that God isn't listening to me. That I have been forgotten.

About a month ago I received an email regarding the single life and patience.  I vaguely remember it. The only part that stuck out was that it talked about how God delivered his people from Egypt and something or other about how they longed to go back. The only reason I remember this (for those of you who know me well the answer is obvious) is because the word Egypt was involved. This moment at the time was greatly insignificant. Just more justification in my heart that God just doesn't get me and doesn't really care.  That same day, I was out at the beach, throwing sticks for my puppy crying... and asking God... to please please speak to me. I think I remember begging and yelling.. maybe even bribing. But at the time all I felt was alone and unheard.
About a week ago,  I opened up my Bible and the page I so happened to open to had to do with how God delivered his people from Egypt.
Well.. it should have struck me then... to pay attention.. but... as with all things, GOD must strike me over the head quite hard before I stop and listen.  But at this point all that occurred to me was well theres Egypt again, why does everyone hate on Egypt.    GOD in all the infinite Wisdom that a supreme being could possess... knows how I love intrigue and knows that is how I must be "reeled" in. So the following day I was listening to the radio in the morning. I have been doing my best to mix up my love for horrid techno rock music with a bit of praise mixed in.. about 1 song a day... I feel covers my worship singing abilities. So as I switched the station I caught the tail ed of the radio host saying something or other about Egypt.

That is when it occurred to me.  There is something about the story of Moses and the delivery of Gods people from Egypt that God wants me to look at.  Chance would be hearing or seeing the word once or twice... but I figure its not chance and I should investigate what messages I am missing.

So I dutifully googled the delivery of Gods people from Egypt. Yes I know. EPIC fail. Shoulda coulda woulda pulled out the bible.. but.. Google seemed to be the easiest way to solve my curiosity.  In reading I couldn't really relate to the story. Its a story I have heard at least a dozen times. And as it is my favorite story in the Bible.. I know it quite well.. so what is it that I am missing.

God was using my favorite story from the bible, and calling by attention to the particular aspect of deliverance from Egypt.

That  is when it occurred to me... what does Egypt symbolize. Egypt is what enslaved Gods people. Egypt is where God freed his people from. IT is what they longed to return to when they were afraid of the future.

God has rescued me from many poor choices. Poor choices in which I often enslave myself to committing over and over and over again.  When it comes to men and relationships in particular, I prefer to go back, rather than be alone.  It doesn't matter how awful the men or relationship truly was. Its familiar comforts are seemingly more secure than  the unknown of my future.  Just like the people of Egypt.. they wanted to turn around, to go back to the safety and comfort of what they were enslaved too... I want the same.

This notion and idea that occurred to me was confirmed tonight.

I do not usually leave my radio on christain stations. Today I did. When I got in my car after school and turned it on the bible study or discussion that I normally ignore and turn off immediately was on.  The speaker was.. can you guess... talking about how God delivered his people out of Egypt. The speaker shared that the people had such a struggle on the way to the promised land, they argued, failed to trust, and longed to go back to Egypt.

Sounds familiar. I believe God has told me that in my future their is a promised land. One with a  fulfilling and healthy relationship. One in which my life is much more stable than it is right now. Just like the Isrealites, my days are filled with uncertainty, doubt, mistrust, and unbelief.

Several times over the past 6 years of my dark journey I have tried to go back to something awful.  God apparently wants more for me. God puts up every obstacle possible so that I have difficulty returning. God continuously removes people from my life, whom, I begged at the time to have remain. God pushes me forward and onward. I am urged to be patient. As I feel I can not possibly go on, that this journey is so unbearable, I am beckoned away from where I long to return.  I do not know how long my journey is. I do not know when or if I will reach the promised land.

But I do know that tonight I feel loved. I feel like God did listen to me. He did speak to me. And most importantly I listened.

Advocacy isn't a disguise

What do you believe in? What do you hope to change?  

I work for a catholic organization. I myself am not a catholic, but I fell in love with the basic principles that my organization and the catholic church abides by.

1. Dignity of the Human Person We recognize the sanctity of human life. People do not lose dignity because of disability, poverty, age, lack of success, or race. This emphasizes people over things, being, over having.

2. Community and the Common Good The human person is both sacred and social. We realize our dignity and rights in relationship with others and in our communities. We are called to respect all of God’s gifts of creation to be good stewards of the each and each other.
3. Rights and Responsibilities People have a fundamental right to life, food, shelter, health care, education and employment. All people have a right to participate in decisions that affect their lives. Corresponding to these rights are duties and responsibilities to respect the rights of others in the wider society and to work for the common good.
4. Option for the Poor The moral test of a society is how it treats its most vulnerable members. The poor have the most urgent moral claim on the conscience of the nation. We are called to look at public policy decisions in terms of how they affect the poor.
5. Dignity of Work People have a right to decent and productive work, fair wages, private property and economic initiative. The economy exists to serve people, not the other way around.
6. Solidarity We are one human family. Our responsibilities to each other cross national, racial, economic and ideological differences. We are called to work globally for justice.
7. Care for God’s Creation The goods of the earth are gifts from God. We have a responsibility to care for these goods as stewards and trustees, not as mere consumers and users.

So again what do you believe?
I want to change a system bigger than myself and I do not even know how or where to start. My warning to you, fellow reader, is that I, am a democrat and a liberal.. so read at your own risk.

This last week I got to go advocate for the things I believe in. I got to speak to district representatives and senators. I went there with others with the hope of being heard. My stance is there needs to be more funding for basic needs. Not simply just education. Do not get me wrong, I believe that funding needs to be placed in education, but what good is an education to a child who sleeps in a car, is hungry, and has no health care. If basic needs are not met (maslows hierarchy of needs) such as safety, shelter, food, than how can self enrichment ever happen. It can't. 

Our system is so broken. So many people (some of them being good friends of mine) believe a lie. They believe individuals take advantage of our system. Its not true. The facts show a good majority of the people who need help genuinely need help. These individuals on average are able to get them selves on there feet -with the help of our system- with in 28 months. Thats really amazing if you ask me. I hear people say that they stay on these programs there whole life.. but its not possible. TANF recipients are only allowed to be on these programs for a maximum of 5 years, and they have to prove that they are attempting to find work. The common thought is that it is "easy" to be in assistance programs. But its truly not. In 2007 there was 300  million dollars set aside to help individuals build affordable housing units and an additional 5 million help at risk and vulnerable populations (chronically homeless and mentally ill) with housing. These numbers have been substantially cut back. There is now only 69 million dollars set aside to help with the cost of housing and no additional funds set aside for those vulnerable populations.  I know 69 million dollars sounds "like a lot" but housing costs, especially in our state, are outrageous. Think of it this way:
 What makes housing affordable? Those working in the housing field generally use the guideline that an individual or family should pay no more than 30% of its income for housing and utilities costs. Using that standard, a minimum wage earner in Snohomish County can afford to pay monthly rent of no more than $445, and someone making the average hourly wage of $14.38 could pay up to $748. However, the average rent charged in the Snohomish county area for a two-bedroom unit is $942 . 
In 2012 the count of homeless individuals identified 2,387 people and 1,410 households as being homeless, with about 800 people under age 18. Those figures were up slightly from 2011, when 2,249 people were counted.
These numbers upset me. They were numbers used when discussing my stand point to the representatives I met. Yet these numbers and facts meant nothing to the individuals I spoke with. In their defense they had their own view points and own areas they felt the budget and available funding needed to go. Even though I greatly disagreed and felt as though they had absolutely no ounce of compassion in their soul... I still know they felt similar to me. They believed in their side, in their issues. 

With this said. How can I ever change their mind. Do I take them by the hand.. have them meet some of my clients who suffer from hunger, homelessness, and to top it off they are in desperate need of health care services.  If they saw these individuals and how hard they worked to change their lives... would their view points change? I would like to hope so. I would like to think at some point I will be able to show these representatives the truth about our society and our societies needs.

Basic needs are failing to be met. So my message to legislation... is that every human being has the right to food, shelter, and health care. Simple as that. No ifs, and whats, buts about it. Every person on our planet deserves these basic rights. 
IF you are interested in my views if you believe like I do, take a stand. GO speak up, write  a letter, and never give up.

Dreaming with a broken heart

When your dreaming with a  broken heart waking up is the hardest part~ John Mayer

Its true. I am a dreamer. A big one. I love easily. Cry easily. I am full of hope for things that are so unrealistic... And I find that being this silly creature is nothing but heart ache. Hope unmet is empty. It is sorrow. Love unrequited is a black hole. Dreams unfulfilled, laughable.

Its the in-between. The "Eeyore" I frequently find in me.

My job, is amazing. It is a blessing to do what I do. To have the skills bestowed upon me that I do. GOD made me this dreamer. He gave me this compassion to love, care, to lack judgment, and cry easily for everyone and everything. He made me full of hope. Yet these gifts can be overwhelming. At times too much to bear. Every day I go to work, I am given a wake up call. Just when I think my life is hard or impossible... I hear a story.. that is unimaginable to me.  I can't fathom surviving what some of my clients have survived. Its heart wrenching. After the weeks over, the days over, I turn off. It hurts to know how much pain truly exists.

In my life I have had so much pain. Mostly centered around "men".. and this pain has put a big fat  hole in my life.... yet... I feel stupid that I let this hole, this desire for a "man" .. be so painful. There is real pain out there. There are real needs that must be met and how on earth will compassion ever meet those needs.

My job wakes me up. Yes I want to bury my head in the sand. But I see whats real. Where Gods people are. I see the reality of his family. Its broken, its tired, its at the end of its rope.. much like I have felt. Then I  wonder..

I am at the end of my rope. I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel scared.. how .. oh how can I even help anyone I serve when I am this mess?

I don't.

 I often feel alone. Not many people have seen what I have. Not many people get to experience this rude awakening of the reality of our world.  I can't do it alone. I desperately want to go back to the days before I experienced all my clients pain, before I created my own. I want to forget, to sleep well at night... but no matter what I try... I am painfully aware. I wonder.. what good is a gift of compassion when real needs exist.


My mess truly helps me to relate.

I realize this every moment more and more. Its not my job to 'fix' my clients. My job is exactly what Gods gifts have been to me.. the gifts of compassion, lack of judgment, of love and hope. Its so easy for me to see it in my clients. To see their potential. As my friend Heather puts it.. I see the diamond in every piece of coal...& she is right.  Its true.. I have a gift .. for finding something amazing about every person I encounter. My job is to help the people I meet, find this in themselves. Their success, failures, wellness.. has nothing to do with me, it is with in them. All people really need is someone to believe in them so that it can become safe to believe in themselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I know I feel a sense of sadness from serving where God wants me. A sense of hopelessness about my future, the future of man.. yet... somewhere in me.. I hope. I hope for my clients. I hope for myself and my own future. Again.. my gifts from God.. stupidly hoping .. rooting for the best the impossible...

Feeling silly .. feeling alone...

I continue on... just needed to get it out.. to vent and to feel heard.

Vernacular Matters

Many of you know that I am in school, on my way to becoming an MSW. This quarter we wrote an essay about in regards to a vision for change. This was a great assignment. Thinking of all the things I would like to change. There are so many. For me a multitude of ideas matter. For this assignment I wrote about how language mattered.

In my essay I shared the idea : It is my opinion awareness of our language and how it may be used is a capability all human beings possess. The way we speak to others and about others matters. Language can foster acceptance and trust. At the same time it can foster hate, confusion, and discrimination. Words are a very powerful tool.

Vernacular matters. It is one of my most important weapons of our time. Healing and deadly.

In the beginning of my life I was much more opinionated than I am at this time. I never cared if my opinion infringed on others. I over stepped feelings an carelessly tried to change the world around me by asserting my beliefs with out regards to the beliefs of others. I used my vernacular to make people feel small. I was talented at this. Not something I am proud of. I look back and like my belief systems, but not the way in which they were carried out.

I feel like I have lost the 'who I am' over the last decade. I have officially lost my title as 'perfect'. Not that I ever was. But I have humbled myself to a new me. One who sees her imperfections, acknowledge them, and hopes to change.I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippie of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc. I am an aware consumer, environmentally concerned and very interested in the occupy movements. I wish I knew more people like me. I do not. Sometimes I wonder how I became 'who I am'. My newest goal is to wake up every morning trying to be the best version of myself possible. This person watches what she says to others. She is willing to take in the words and advice of others. At the same time I am allowed to be free and to be myself. The opinionated 'different' one in the group.


As I learn I feel myself growing more opinionated than I have ever been. It is hard to be in the room with someone I disagree with. Life choice, ideas, the way they speak, etc. I am challenging myself to change. I am bringing my ideas in. If they are not received or heard it does not mean that they are 'wrong'. However it also does not mean the opposing party or opinion is wrong either. Its a hard concept to grasp.

I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippy of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc.

When I lost myself I cared so much about what others thought. I stopped being myself. I needed to be accepted. I had never really been accepted. Even though I was silent (for me) I still feel as though I am disliked by my peer systems. So therefore its not worth being silent. Finding myself means I care only about what God would think. I love others by respecting who they are and not forcing the who I am upon them.

I am allowed to use my words to challenge and to accept. I pray that God use me. That God wakes me from were I have been. That I can become the woman I know he created. The one has so much compassion for everything it makes her appear crazy. I pray that I can accept who I am and stop trying so hard to change that. Its OK for people to not like me. Its not about me anyways, its about changing the world for the benefit of others and not myself.

Today I can see!

Perhaps because I am a poet at heart I am destined to be a bit moody and depressed. Maybe its because I am a woman or better yet, perhaps its the way I was created. I have a best friend who is always happy. I think its her nature to find the positive, and to just be bubbly. It feels like it is my nature, to be kind of the opposite. The drag. The worrier.

My mom was always worried about me. At one point in my youth I wore all black. I read dark books, and never let the sun touch my skin. She intervened by making me recycle my dark books, and either read peppy books or go out side. At the time I was mad at her, but looking back, she probably saved me from becoming some strange pale sad creature.. that I was obviously trying to be.

The name of my URL of my blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola, and then its name Sorrowful thoughts in a vintage light, are even a bit depressing. I know my mom doesn't approve, but yet I find my depressing names, some what creative. They are meaningful, and come from books I have read, and things ideas have changed my life. (So even though they sound some what depressing, mom, they really aren't :). )

My nature however has been slowly changing. Over three years ago I separated from my husband (now x). I thought I wouldn't make it. Yes I know I am a bit of a drama queen by saying that, but I did not think I WOULD EVER survive a divorce. It was only through Gods love that I did.

I was so angry for the longest time. So moody about my whole situation. Some times I still get moody about it. I find that I begin to think about what happened and the fact that its not what I had planned for my life. WHY does Gods plan have to be so different than mine? I wanted an intact family. I want to have a HUSBAND. I want to have the typical family unit. Is that really so much to want? I don't really believe it is so much to want. AND I can feel it that Gods design for me does, one day, include a husband. BUT for now, he wants me to master the art of being one with Him and being OK with my current situation.

Its easy to get side tracked, pulled away from faith. I focus on the fact that I now have a broken family. That my daughter has to live the life I NEVER wanted for her. I sit there and focus on this. Sometimes I focus so hard on the bad I forget about the truth of my situation. After telling a friend not to stare at a closed door, and to focus on some windows, I realized, I better do the exact same thing. Change my perception.

So I prayed. At first I felt God was being silent. It makes me mad when I feel his silence. I feel shunned. BUT most of the time, I realize I am not listening.. or in truth he is saying something that makes NO SENSE to me at the time, I SHUN him. Sad, but true.

After praying for a while, and being frustrated I decided to be angry. Then, I felt my anger swiftly get taken away from me by a few simple words.. that sounded like they came from my own brain, but really I know are his words. YOU HAVE A FAMILY!

What I have a family. ?? I am so busy worrying about what I do not have. I fill up my mind with unnecessary woes and cares, with don't haves. I forget the DO HAVES.

I may not have the typical family unit. But I do have Gods family. I know a decade ago, I would have died laughing at the thought of me considering a church my family, but today I do. My church family is real. So many people from my church love me, and I love them. Then theres my group of close lady friends. They are not just friends, in my last blog I entitled them sisters... And in doing so.. how was it not obvious to me then that Gods family.. was mine?? not sure.. but to continue.. even women I have just made friends with have become like family. Even some men friends have become like brothers. Who would have thought, I loose a family, but I never really lost my entire family. God provided me with a family unit so amazing.. that its depressing to me that I didn't realize it.!

So today I wake up again, so lucky, 2 whole days in a row, truly feeling Gods love. Today I can see it. I know it. I hope I don't forget it and go blind again.

My special thanks to all my friends and family at Allen Creek Community Church. (Ron, Helen, Twila, Janae, Trina, Mark, Debbie, Tim, Julie, Greg, Nate, JT, Jan, Judy, Norma, Chrissie, Valen, Sarah, the Hazens, Casey, and everyone else!) To my family (My mom, dad, my millions of sisters, my daughter, my nephews, my neices, my grandmothers, and grandfather)
All my bible study ladies (Jenny, Amanda, Monica) My close friends (Heather P and Heather F, Jamie, Krystal, Candis)

Thank you all for being my family. For being such a support to me. A blessing from God. You all show me that Gods Love is Real.

I love you all!

Obedience Is Love

Tonight I can't sleep. I'm surrounded with swirls of ways I have failed God. Ways I do not trust him. Its infuriating to know that everything that has been difficult in my life has always found its meaning.. and in the long run.. been something good. But I still don't trust the plan. Trusting God irregardless of circumstance has always been my weak spot. I talk and talk about how I know it is.. and I do not change. Instead of changing.. seeking God when I am scared.. I ignore him. I do not talk to him, I punish him. Its ridiculous.


Right now a lot of things in my life seem to be sucky/stressful. Like always I have been having a very difficult time seeing past the suck/stressful stuff to see the hope. I do recognize how he has always been there for me before.. yet for some demented reason I doubt him now. My head keeps telling me.. this time.. Gods gonna let it all fall apart and make you pick up the pieces..

Then there's my soul.. it feels that God is there.. hes just taking his time. I don't feel like I've been very good at listening to him I've been deaf, blind, and dumb to his love lately. I am failing at the simplest parts of obeying Him. So tonight I decided I'm open to him. I'm waiting on him. I trust in him, and I will do what he asks.. whether or not I want to.


In rereading my blog.. I keep replaying the song While I'm waiting in my head. I even plan on singing it aloud to God.. kinda romancing him is the plan. Hoping that this time.. I wont fail in the trust department. I want to be more obedient to his will, and show him that I do love him.


While I'm Waiting lyrics

Artist: John Waller lyrics


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Its getting Hotter, or is that everyone else?

This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown.

The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.

I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.

But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.

World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?

If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.

I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.

Tears, Laughter, the same thing?

What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?

I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.

I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.

Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.

I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.

I also want to adopt a kid.

I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.

These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.

Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?

Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?

I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.

There are so many wants...

God, what is it that you want from me?

Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.

its a matter of time

Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense? Like everything you do is just a battle that is going to be lost anyways.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.

We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.

We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.


We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.

Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.

So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.

In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.

The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.

Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.

Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.

I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?

It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.

I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.

Twilight Experience

For those of you who do not know, I became a serious fanatic of the Twilight series over the last year. I read all the books, saw the movie more than once and even dreamt of being bitten. However this blog isn't a critique on my favorite set of novels, or new favorite movie. Its about how easy it is to hope, to believe in something as non existant as Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Nothing about him is real, yet people around the world, have become facisnated with him as though he was real. Now I am not saying people truely beleive in him. But what I am getting at is the fact that it is so easy to beleive in something as make beleive as a vampire, yet the belief in God is often criticized. God has become the stuff of fiction. Science seems to try to exist with out faith. With out hope.

Hope isn't always easy. Neither is faith. To beleive in something you can not see and something you do not understand takes courage. I would have to say that reading a ficitonal book and becoming an avid fan gave me hope that people, perhaps, weren't lost at all. I believe God has just become harder for us HUMANs to see. His love, goodness, patience, mercy, joy, faithfullness, has been drowned out by our media, by our own negative thoughts.

Humans are programed to remember pain... it keeps us alive. iT keeps us from repeating deadly mistakes. So its easy to sit in front of the TV, or read the news paper and take in all the bad. For every 10 negative stories we hear about there might only be one positive one. We feed on the fear, on the negativity. We dont see the miracles. We see people loosing their homes, going hungry, terrorism in hotels, wars brewing... so we ask.. HOW could God allow all of this. God isn't good. He can't possibly exist in a world this bad, and if he does, he must not love us.! Right?

I feel bad for God sometimes. He gets a bad rap. He gets lumped in with us Humans. Just because we are bad. If we do something terrible, God gets blamed. The opposite doesn't tend to happen. Someone gets a great job with benefits an great pay and buys a beautiful house, they say I am so glad I got that education and that I worked so hard. God isn't part of why those things happened, yet when that same someone looses their home and job.. they say why God... WHY!

I believe now that you have to give people hope, feed them miracles, and then God would become easier to see. Our world drowns out hope. The one we have accepted any way. The majority of us have accpeted that miracles just dont happen anymore. Some of us have fought. Some of us keep fighting. We used to have shows like fact or fiction, unexplained mysteries, Real life miracles, but those shows have disappeared. I believe small shows like that, will keep people curious. Keep people hopeful.
I believe hearing about miracles, something unexplained will light a fire in a person. Keep them alive in the soul. I would call this the Twilight experience. Just reading about it would make you want it to happen to you.! So as member of our society, we should keep trying to find a way to feed other people hope. I want to do the same, I will do the same. I will work hard to focus on the good.. and faith wont seem so hard. Hope will become easy, and miracles they would happen daily.


My friend Heather told me last night that it snowed in Texas.! It took a lot of faith to just believe her text, but then I saw the pictures, and then I beleived. My point being it takes faith to believe. Sometimes we wont always be allowed to see the snow.. but faith.. makes believing.. and believing creates hope.

If we can believe it snowed in Texas, and that Edward Cullen truely is the perfect boyfriend, I think we can believe that God is Good and that he loves us. Its time for all of us to have a Twilight experience.

What does it all mean

Just heading to bed... and couldn't get alot of junk out of my head.

So what does it mean to be Christian?

Am I less of a Lover of my Christ because I consider myself Democratic?

Am I non christian because I survived a Divorce?

Does God love me less because I he allows me to struggle?


Pain. Suffering. Heart ache. Money problems. Hunger. Loss of a loved one.

Why is it allowed?

I don't know why. But In a world that became corrupt so many moons ago... Its amazing still how Gods love heals all of those things.

He brings life, healing, restoration, blessings, and so much much more.

I keep praying for Gods love to wash over me to encourage me.

It hasn't happened yet. But I have no doubt that at any moment...

He'll be there... doing what he does best.. Getting me through this most difficult of moments

follow this

I just read the most intriguing blog I suggest you all go check it out at http://brokentelegraph.com/
the latest blog entry is about the dangers of being nice and not good.

I have never really thought about this before. Nice versus Good. To me the seemed virtually the same. But my eyes were opened. Truths were spoken to me.

Nice is sugar coating an event or ignoring one all together, Good is being honest and loveing and speaking truth even if it means hurting someones feelings.

My life is full of nice people. We go about our ways in a very nice manner. We don't invade peoples space, we don't confront anyone who doesn't ask for help, and we don't question someones motives even if they appear nice. I am one of these nice people in my own life. I see things and do things that take away my own character and the character of others. I am nice so that I don't have to be uncomfortable or so that Ie do not have to make anyone else uncomfortable. I don't fight for the things I should.


I don't want this anymore. I want myself to be strong. To be good. I want to speak the truth in love, I no longer want to be fearful of making someone uncomfortable or even myself for that matter.

Sigh. There are so many areas in my thinking that are changing. So many matters of my heart are dissappearing and then new ones, ones that are truely relevant are appearing. God is changing me. Change. My heart is changing, my soul is changing. God is working so hard on me. Hes forming me and YES I am fearful. He asks alot and it is frightening to do something I don't feel I can do! HOWEVER I trust his work. I trust him and I KNOW I am not alone... SO I am getting over my fears and opening up my eyes to his workings in my soul.!

Those Damned Scientists

Those darn scientists. They are at it again. Trying once and for all to prove that life outside of our bodies does not exist. The University of Southampton is launching the world's largest-ever study of near-death experiences this week. The AWARE (AWAreness during REsuscitation) study is to be launched by the Human Consciousness Project of the University of Southampton - an international collaboration of scientists and physicians who have joined forces to study the human brain, consciousness and clinical death.
They define death the following way : Contrary to popular perception, death is not a specific moment, scientists say. It is a process that begins when the heart stops beating, the lungs stop working and the brain ceases functioning. In short The AWARE study is basically just a way to prove that all those folks who have had near death experiences, seen God and all that other jazz that happens when you die or come close to dying, is crap. They want us to believe that its chemicals and mis-firing synapses inducing the images in a dying brain.


Scientist and theoristis go around trying to prove that God and the after life do not exist. They either do it by studying things like the AWARE group or by saying that God is just purely made up. You see religions can be very similar. One Ultimate or supreme being, they all encourage you to be moral and help your neighbor, they all state that there is some form of life after death (heaven , reincarnation... etc), they all state that we come from one mother or Orgin (eve, earth, etc) and they all believe The End of Days. It's just about unanimous that, at the end of the world, there will be a great battle between good and evil, and Final Judgment will be made.

So the thought behind alot of thinking to disprove GOD (and what used to be my own) is that if they are all similar they are all mythological and made up crap. Now I believe strongly in a GOD who loves me. I found that my thinking and studying and finding these similarities only eventually led to an affirmation of belief.. I could never quite disprove God in my own mind.

Any ways.. why .. why .. why can't scientist let well enough alone.? Say I am wrong (which I AM NOT) but lets just say for their sake there is no God, no after life. Then what is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of being kind to one another, of doing things right, of taking care of the Earth.? If there is no after life then none of the crap we do matters. So if it didn't matter I believe we'd all become depressed and just Blow our earth to peices so much faster than we are now. So why do the scientist want to depress the rest of mankind just because they can't fathom the idea that some one some where created them and loves them?

So anyway I do think the study is a cool idea because I am betting on GOD and betting they wont be able to explain anything that happens with anything but the following statement "We have yet to discover why people experience certain events while their body is physically dead. We will continue researching these types of events and until we have a more clear understanding and broader study group, the answers to life and death will remain a mystery". Some thing like that will do!

Heavy Heart

So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.


I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.

I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.

Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.


So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.

I need GOD.