Delayed post. Just updating!
So its almost my birthday. Another year passing always makes me feel the need to look back on life events.
Needless to say looking back always makes me think of what I want or what I hoped would be.
Nothing really looks like I wanted it to. All the things I had hoped for myself, are not even a whisper of reality. Its a bit frustrating to think I can plan my life. Every time I take the wheel, I lead myself straight into a ditch. Its hard to accept that I am not in charge of Gods will and plans for my life. Yes.. my current thoughts are "Dear God.. I want it this way.. or Else.. please.."
or Else what, right? Or else I will feel even worse about being so off. If what I want doesn't ever occur, than am I really in tune with God? If I am asking for all the wrong things.. how do I even begin asking for the right things, when I have no idea that what I want isn't really all that great .. because what Gods design is, and what he decides to give me is really better than anything I can fathom.
Gods plan is great. I need to trust him more. Its often hard given the circumstances my family is in, and the circumstances I have found myself in as well, make me question Gods greater plan.
Trust is hard for me. Faith always is a big scarey idea for me and crossing over into trusting God completely always seems strange to me.
All this questioning has led me to writing little notes on my mirrors and hands.. all with the same general idea, trust God. Yesterday I woke up, and decided I didn't want to trust God. I was irritated at how everything keeps going south in life.. so I scrubbed off the Trust God that was written on my palm and proceeded to go out the rest of my day ignoring God.
The thing with ignoring God, it doesn't really work, because God doesn't ignore us.. so it really was a silly attempt on my behalf, but i wanted God to see how frustrated I was. And when I am frustrated with someone I ignore them, and just like any relationship, I thought ignoring God would "show him". As the day progressed, it was easy enough to shut his voice out. To not pay attention to feeling loved by God. I went to the Gym and complained to my friend Jenny about how I needed a new sports bra. I didn't really want to get one because it seemed like a waste in my funds.
Then later in the evening I went for a run with my friend Jenn Getty. At some point during our time together she asked me if I could use a sports bra, because she had a brand new one that she couldn't use.
Needless to say.. later that evening when I decided to stop ignoring God, I started to cry. God does love me and his plan is good. I should trust him with all the big things in my life, because he is capable with my wants and needs. He gave me something small something really trivial, he showed me he loved me and that I should trust him by getting me a bra.
So this incident made me think back. It reminded me of how God really has set up my life to give me the best, he prepared me for hard times and good times. He gave me a great community, a great church, a great family. He planned the best for me. Now if only I could accept that and remember that everyday.
And a shout out to God: thanks you God for not ignoring me even when I want to ignore you.
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