Realizations

Today I woke up. Today I realized I was afraid. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live. I find defeat in everything and anything. I find I feel that success or peace is not meant to be mine. I want it.. but yet I feel I am one of those doomed people who will never have it.



I have a song I've been listening to. The first part describes exactly how I feel right now. And since I can't seem to get it out on my own... here it is



"Soul Meets Body" By death cab for cutie



I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new



Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a placewhere they’re far more suited than here







There is much more to the song... but those parts are exactly how I feel. I don't feel like my ideas are suited for me. I don't feel like I can even do anything. I feel failure before I've begun.



Obviously I am struggling with a lack of trust in God. Moreover a trust in who he made me. Its like I don't want to be me anymore.



More than that even I am disappointed in me. God made me different. Unique in so many ways, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. I have become complacent. Accepting... that this is the way life is. I find I am going with the flow, following the rules of the world, not my own, not Gods. I hate lemmings, and I feel I have slowly let myself become one. I see the worldly ways and see people have success from it. I envy this. I want it for myself. Yet the only thing keeping me from jumping full on the band wagon is the fact that God has made me different. I know I would never be happy being like everyone else... and I've tried.

I am still trying. I feel the sting from being unable to be like 'normal' people. I don't own a house, or a nice car. I am a single, divorced mom, of one. I don't have the 2.5 kids, 2 car garage, or the husband. Even if I'm not supposed to because I'm divorced, theres still the sting from the constant singleness. Since I am single I'm supposed to be on ther prowl, or dating. Then theres the I'm single and pretty factor, which causes alot of people to ask, why aren't you out meeting people at clubs. Why aren't you out getting wasted. I'm not doing any of these things. I don't want to. But I feel like I should be doing these things. And I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know who made all thes darn rules about what I should be doing with my life. I want to know why I stuff my wants away and accept what the world wants for me.

Rawr. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I don't like me at all.

Insanity. Becoming a lemming. Running away from who I am.

I just read a blog by a girl named Kellie Hazen. Or A note or poem. It was beautiful. She asked when was she gonna be more like God. Thats the perfect question. The question I need to be focusing on. Not focusing on being like the world, focusing on being more like God. Being more like the way he made me.



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