I don’t know exactly what I should be feeling today. Shawn and I have been apart for over two years, yet, some sadness about what happened still lingers inside my soul.
What exactly is divorce? Is it what the dictionary says? Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons.
Why do people get divorced, or do such awful things to one another, that divorce is the only sanctuary? Why is Divorce a rampant disease in the US. In general the US makes up for just under 5% of the world’s population. Our culture has somehow decided that divorce is an out dated old fashioned ridiculous notion. 68% of marriages end in divorce. Somehow we have taught our people that quick fixes, instant gratification is better than any long term goal. With this in mind, did we ever stop to think that since we told ourselves our first marriage was doomed to fail, because more than half of marriages do.. so its ok to be divorced and move on.. and then do we realize that with this thought process it makes statistics on 2nd and 3rd marriages even more viable. Second marriages at about 60% and marriages after that are at about a 75% divorce rate. It’s a silly notion to me. Why get married if we don’t want to try. I think some marriages should end. But not all marriages, and I very much doubt that 60 % of our marriages are all ‘bad’ marriages. Not all couples have an unfaithful partner, or an abusive partner. Why don’t we believe in being faithful? Being in a relationship, one that can last, and one that is good, is hard work. Why are we afraid of a little pain, sweat, and hard work? As a culture are we lazy? What is our culture, and what does it represent? What does it look like to the other 95% of the world?
With our country representing a very small population with the second highest divorce rate in the world, what about some of the largest populations, are they as likely to divorce? No. They are not. India is the second largest country, population wise, in the world. India holds 17% of the world’s population and only about 1% of people get divorced. WHY? If divorce really reflects the reality of the world, and that the idea of divorce is out dated, does this mean the US not living in reality? I looked into the views Indians seemed to carry, and generally I would say Indians have a fairly practical view of marriage. Most of their society is based on a tolerance for different belief structures and the recognition that no one really gets along at all times. Overall this would result in a more positive outlook on marriage. Also, gender roles seem to be more clearly defined there. This results in less conflict on a day to day basis.
Maybe it’s the laws of divorce. Maybe our lawmakers have made it easier for us. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted. There are many types of divorce, No-fault, fault, mediated, collaborative, and uncontested. 49 out of 50 states in United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws, with grounds for divorce including incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require such proof of fault. In the United States, only New York State still requires fault for a divorce. With only one state having a fault based divorced, this makes for a lax set of regulations. We can get divorced because we got bored, because we got lazy.
I’ve also seen women blamed for the rising rate of divorce. In countries where women have a lot of rights, the divorce rate is higher. But perhaps in countries that aren't divorcing, that have smaller divorce rates, perhaps those people aren't happy, or were forced to marry?
Should marriage even be about happiness?
Do we really believe it’s someone else's job to make us happy? If they don’t, we divorce them, and move onto the next person to make us happy? No one will ever make us happy. Happiness is a daily choice. It happens with in ourselves, not outside of ourselves.
Maybe I shouldn’t be asking why we divorce or what causes divorce. Perhaps I should be asking, the why of why are we marrying? Maybe if we knew more about ourselves, about how hard relationships were, we would marry less, but also divorce less. Again I ponder is marriage out dated. I don’t think it is. If marriage was out dated, people wouldn’t have the desire to have a mate, or partner. We all desire partnering up, having fellowship, some of us have friends for life, so why can’t we have a mate for life? I believe marriage is good and should be done for all the right reasons, not all of the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t for dummies, or for lazy people, it’s a lifelong effort.
I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I got divorced. I went into the idea with a heavy heart. I feel the day I got my decree stamped, that God lost a war. But I also felt free. Free from the lies my Ex fed me. If I would have stayed married, I’d still be separated. My ex didn’t have a faithful heart. I have a jealous heart. I can’t share my spouse. I was greedy for him, and because of this, I had to leave. He was never greedy for me. I needed him to be faithful, loving, and greedy in his love for me. We needed to be free from the hurt that we caused one another. Free to find the truth about what a good relationship should be. I hope and pray that when I remarry, my next partner feels the way I do about marriage. That it’s hard. That you have to be there for one another, and that you never leave a partner behind.
