Personal Stagnation

Life can be crazy. Nothing truly new for me, but it feels as thought the last two years have been trial after trial. Difficult change transitioning into an even more difficult change.  I really loathe self pity parties. I try to minimize my own struggles by comparing to what others have gone through. I try to motivate myself out of the lulls of sadness by stating... at least I am not a woman from before 1950, or at least I live in America, other people suffer more than I do, other people have it worse. But really what this does is minimize my own struggles. When I do this I am failing to acknowledge the things that I have overcome. When I minimize my suffering I also minimize my own strengths I have developed. 

Often the thing I struggle the most often with is the ultimate feeling of loneliness.  Its really silly in my eyes to let it get to me the way it does, but I feel it, and I cringe and want to run.  This feeling stems from a desire to have love.  It is truly where my life has been stagnant.  I long to "aquire" love. I long for it the way I imagine the desert longs for water, like its a necessity.  I feel as though once it becomes mine, it will "fix' all my other difficulities.  Love is afterall the magical cure all, right?  If when I do find it, I tell myself, I am sure to find financial stablility, friendship, passion, and a helper.  Finding this cure to all that ails me, however, remains illusive. To find lasting companionship is one of the most unattainable an unreachable goals I have ever had.

I wonder why it is that I want "it" so badly. Why am I so discontent to feel alone. It is something I have felt for years. The counselor in me... tries to rationalize my feelings. Saying of course you feel this way look at event XYZ. But even before XYZ I felt it. I remember feeling the longing at a very young age. I know that part of my feelings are normal, as part of the 'human condition'. To long for something more than ourselves, is somewhat the essence of what makes us all tick.  My longing, my desire, is also where I fill up my life in places to avoid.. living. Its so hard. I would rather go for a drive, sleep, read, or watch a movie. All just so I do not have to sit with loneliness.

Why is lonely so unacceptable to me. Why is longing so utterly painful. Its a question I believe can have a hundred reasons but truly the only answer is.. it must be accepted. Nothing lasts. Nothing. All that is ever guaranteed is death. This guarantee has me striving to accept, to be content. I do not know when the end is coming for me. But it is. I do not want to waste whats left of living on being discontent with what I have been given. I have been gifted loneliness. The longing for a mate. Its time I accept my position. Its time to sit with loneliness and be ok with in it.  I just need to figure out how and I need to start now.

I wrote this poem not too long ago, seems fitting:

I see you now


In a sea of faces who feel unknown
  Hidden from humanity,
       I cry alone
Desperate to collide with another being,
Notice the waters rise,
      Theres no use fleeing
Drowning slowly now,
           contentment seems to fit
Unforeseen you appear having nothing to omit

Caught off guard by desire,
    I fail to stay afloat
No intention or any promised note

Seemingly you are all I desire
 So fond of the idea,
       its all I longed to acquire
Loosing interest, you slowly start to float away
Damaged, I see you now,
             stay
The pain I recognize in you makes me alert
    Struggling,
        now I begin to hurt
Floating to surface now, gasping
I watch you go,
    my longing fading, collapsing
Alone again in this sea of faces
Waiting for  one to fill these spaces

Vernacular Matters

Many of you know that I am in school, on my way to becoming an MSW. This quarter we wrote an essay about in regards to a vision for change. This was a great assignment. Thinking of all the things I would like to change. There are so many. For me a multitude of ideas matter. For this assignment I wrote about how language mattered.

In my essay I shared the idea : It is my opinion awareness of our language and how it may be used is a capability all human beings possess. The way we speak to others and about others matters. Language can foster acceptance and trust. At the same time it can foster hate, confusion, and discrimination. Words are a very powerful tool.

Vernacular matters. It is one of my most important weapons of our time. Healing and deadly.

In the beginning of my life I was much more opinionated than I am at this time. I never cared if my opinion infringed on others. I over stepped feelings an carelessly tried to change the world around me by asserting my beliefs with out regards to the beliefs of others. I used my vernacular to make people feel small. I was talented at this. Not something I am proud of. I look back and like my belief systems, but not the way in which they were carried out.

I feel like I have lost the 'who I am' over the last decade. I have officially lost my title as 'perfect'. Not that I ever was. But I have humbled myself to a new me. One who sees her imperfections, acknowledge them, and hopes to change.I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippie of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc. I am an aware consumer, environmentally concerned and very interested in the occupy movements. I wish I knew more people like me. I do not. Sometimes I wonder how I became 'who I am'. My newest goal is to wake up every morning trying to be the best version of myself possible. This person watches what she says to others. She is willing to take in the words and advice of others. At the same time I am allowed to be free and to be myself. The opinionated 'different' one in the group.


As I learn I feel myself growing more opinionated than I have ever been. It is hard to be in the room with someone I disagree with. Life choice, ideas, the way they speak, etc. I am challenging myself to change. I am bringing my ideas in. If they are not received or heard it does not mean that they are 'wrong'. However it also does not mean the opposing party or opinion is wrong either. Its a hard concept to grasp.

I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippy of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc.

When I lost myself I cared so much about what others thought. I stopped being myself. I needed to be accepted. I had never really been accepted. Even though I was silent (for me) I still feel as though I am disliked by my peer systems. So therefore its not worth being silent. Finding myself means I care only about what God would think. I love others by respecting who they are and not forcing the who I am upon them.

I am allowed to use my words to challenge and to accept. I pray that God use me. That God wakes me from were I have been. That I can become the woman I know he created. The one has so much compassion for everything it makes her appear crazy. I pray that I can accept who I am and stop trying so hard to change that. Its OK for people to not like me. Its not about me anyways, its about changing the world for the benefit of others and not myself.

Today I can see!

Perhaps because I am a poet at heart I am destined to be a bit moody and depressed. Maybe its because I am a woman or better yet, perhaps its the way I was created. I have a best friend who is always happy. I think its her nature to find the positive, and to just be bubbly. It feels like it is my nature, to be kind of the opposite. The drag. The worrier.

My mom was always worried about me. At one point in my youth I wore all black. I read dark books, and never let the sun touch my skin. She intervened by making me recycle my dark books, and either read peppy books or go out side. At the time I was mad at her, but looking back, she probably saved me from becoming some strange pale sad creature.. that I was obviously trying to be.

The name of my URL of my blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola, and then its name Sorrowful thoughts in a vintage light, are even a bit depressing. I know my mom doesn't approve, but yet I find my depressing names, some what creative. They are meaningful, and come from books I have read, and things ideas have changed my life. (So even though they sound some what depressing, mom, they really aren't :). )

My nature however has been slowly changing. Over three years ago I separated from my husband (now x). I thought I wouldn't make it. Yes I know I am a bit of a drama queen by saying that, but I did not think I WOULD EVER survive a divorce. It was only through Gods love that I did.

I was so angry for the longest time. So moody about my whole situation. Some times I still get moody about it. I find that I begin to think about what happened and the fact that its not what I had planned for my life. WHY does Gods plan have to be so different than mine? I wanted an intact family. I want to have a HUSBAND. I want to have the typical family unit. Is that really so much to want? I don't really believe it is so much to want. AND I can feel it that Gods design for me does, one day, include a husband. BUT for now, he wants me to master the art of being one with Him and being OK with my current situation.

Its easy to get side tracked, pulled away from faith. I focus on the fact that I now have a broken family. That my daughter has to live the life I NEVER wanted for her. I sit there and focus on this. Sometimes I focus so hard on the bad I forget about the truth of my situation. After telling a friend not to stare at a closed door, and to focus on some windows, I realized, I better do the exact same thing. Change my perception.

So I prayed. At first I felt God was being silent. It makes me mad when I feel his silence. I feel shunned. BUT most of the time, I realize I am not listening.. or in truth he is saying something that makes NO SENSE to me at the time, I SHUN him. Sad, but true.

After praying for a while, and being frustrated I decided to be angry. Then, I felt my anger swiftly get taken away from me by a few simple words.. that sounded like they came from my own brain, but really I know are his words. YOU HAVE A FAMILY!

What I have a family. ?? I am so busy worrying about what I do not have. I fill up my mind with unnecessary woes and cares, with don't haves. I forget the DO HAVES.

I may not have the typical family unit. But I do have Gods family. I know a decade ago, I would have died laughing at the thought of me considering a church my family, but today I do. My church family is real. So many people from my church love me, and I love them. Then theres my group of close lady friends. They are not just friends, in my last blog I entitled them sisters... And in doing so.. how was it not obvious to me then that Gods family.. was mine?? not sure.. but to continue.. even women I have just made friends with have become like family. Even some men friends have become like brothers. Who would have thought, I loose a family, but I never really lost my entire family. God provided me with a family unit so amazing.. that its depressing to me that I didn't realize it.!

So today I wake up again, so lucky, 2 whole days in a row, truly feeling Gods love. Today I can see it. I know it. I hope I don't forget it and go blind again.

My special thanks to all my friends and family at Allen Creek Community Church. (Ron, Helen, Twila, Janae, Trina, Mark, Debbie, Tim, Julie, Greg, Nate, JT, Jan, Judy, Norma, Chrissie, Valen, Sarah, the Hazens, Casey, and everyone else!) To my family (My mom, dad, my millions of sisters, my daughter, my nephews, my neices, my grandmothers, and grandfather)
All my bible study ladies (Jenny, Amanda, Monica) My close friends (Heather P and Heather F, Jamie, Krystal, Candis)

Thank you all for being my family. For being such a support to me. A blessing from God. You all show me that Gods Love is Real.

I love you all!

Tears, Laughter, the same thing?

What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?

I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.

I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.

Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.

I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.

I also want to adopt a kid.

I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.

These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.

Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?

Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?

I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.

There are so many wants...

God, what is it that you want from me?

Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.

Going through the EMOtions

A good majority of my younger days I spent time dwelling in my sorrow. I loved sorrowful books, poems, and things that helped me feel like crying was normal. My favorite saying is one of sadness. It comes from the book the joy luck club and is how I got the name for this blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola. I always found it an untrue statement for myself, but one that amused me. I consider myself a person who does like to dwell in the sorrow, and drink it up, but since I love Coca cola so much and drink it so often, I just never thought it could be possible to swallow more sorrow than the coca cola I drank. I felt it was important to know my emotions. If I really felt through my circumstances I would understand me better.

In my recent days, or this past two years, I've turned off my emotions. I felt I had to many to deal with. Its too hard to feel everything. So much sorrow I had to swallow and digest, so much more than coca cola at that time, so much anger, confusion, fear, and at the same time the joy of being a mother and having wonder friends and family. With so much emotion coming at me, I started to avoid it. What I once enjoyed swimming in, the way I used to know myself, and understand my life, I started avoiding. Not only did I avoid my emotions, I strayed away from sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I became less and less myself.



If a bad memory or stressful situation has come across my table, I look at it and ignore it. I turn off the parts of me that have to feel it. I shut down. I feel I have been gone for the past two years. I have slowly been resurfacing. With me slowly returning, I could still try to avoid some emotions. However events have happened that have forced me to confront my situation. To force me to confront and deal with my emotions. I decided last night to let myself cry. To embrace the suckyness along side the goodness.

I have to accept that my husband abandoned me.
I have to accept that I am now a single mother.
I learned to accept that I need to reach to God for companionship always first and foremost
I accept that my life is a giant teeter totter lead by God.
I accept that I need to be ok with feeling sad,
and I also need to remember that I should never swallow more sorrow than coke, I need to find the joy in between.

I have been blessed iin my life. I realize just how lucky I really am. I am in my book one of the luckiest people I know. Even with this said, I accept that I am allowed to feel the sting of sadness. I think God knew I was prone to weepiness, prone to sorrow, and he bested me with some really good armor. Lately I reckognize this armor in the form of my bestest friend Jenny. She may be a bit of an emo wreck as well, but she embraces it. She rocks the emotion. Then lets it go and sees how truely shiny and happy everything can be. The potential for good in her world is that of an innocent child. I have never felt this way about life, I have always seen the potential for bad and worse, and I know that God gifted me her, so I could be shown the potential GOD wants seen.





Here is a poem that is an evolution from an old poem I wrote about pain

Its called Pain

Often I wonder about pain
How it causes weakness to form in the heart
Curiously I cry pondering the possibilities
Can I wear a mask to hide that which obviously deforms me
With no resolution I slowly become all that is sadness
I wonder what why I was doomed to feel so much
For what reasons why I valiantly protect my anguish
Is it because I am corrupt with in my very soul
Is my own mind so chaotic, so troubled
That I must hide it away from everyone including myself
Why must I always react in a way that ignores my essence
Does it truly matter that there are defects that can be seen
This moment I was made to be full of sorrow
Perhaps next time it will be full of joy
Accepting this ache is all I feel convicted to do
No longer will I allow the mask of pain to wear me

its a matter of time

Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense? Like everything you do is just a battle that is going to be lost anyways.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.

We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.

We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.


We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.

Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.

So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.

In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.

The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.

Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.

Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.

I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?

It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.

I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.

Ghosts of Birthdays Past

I was born on February 19th, 1983, sometime in the early morning. My mother was just sixteen at the time, but she birthed me out on her eldest brothers birthday. My uncle Maury and I are 21 years apart. Growing up, it was the best thing I believed could happen to me. Sharing my birthday with a beloved Uncle.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.

Realizations

Today I woke up. Today I realized I was afraid. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live. I find defeat in everything and anything. I find I feel that success or peace is not meant to be mine. I want it.. but yet I feel I am one of those doomed people who will never have it.



I have a song I've been listening to. The first part describes exactly how I feel right now. And since I can't seem to get it out on my own... here it is



"Soul Meets Body" By death cab for cutie



I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new



Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a placewhere they’re far more suited than here







There is much more to the song... but those parts are exactly how I feel. I don't feel like my ideas are suited for me. I don't feel like I can even do anything. I feel failure before I've begun.



Obviously I am struggling with a lack of trust in God. Moreover a trust in who he made me. Its like I don't want to be me anymore.



More than that even I am disappointed in me. God made me different. Unique in so many ways, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. I have become complacent. Accepting... that this is the way life is. I find I am going with the flow, following the rules of the world, not my own, not Gods. I hate lemmings, and I feel I have slowly let myself become one. I see the worldly ways and see people have success from it. I envy this. I want it for myself. Yet the only thing keeping me from jumping full on the band wagon is the fact that God has made me different. I know I would never be happy being like everyone else... and I've tried.

I am still trying. I feel the sting from being unable to be like 'normal' people. I don't own a house, or a nice car. I am a single, divorced mom, of one. I don't have the 2.5 kids, 2 car garage, or the husband. Even if I'm not supposed to because I'm divorced, theres still the sting from the constant singleness. Since I am single I'm supposed to be on ther prowl, or dating. Then theres the I'm single and pretty factor, which causes alot of people to ask, why aren't you out meeting people at clubs. Why aren't you out getting wasted. I'm not doing any of these things. I don't want to. But I feel like I should be doing these things. And I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know who made all thes darn rules about what I should be doing with my life. I want to know why I stuff my wants away and accept what the world wants for me.

Rawr. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I don't like me at all.

Insanity. Becoming a lemming. Running away from who I am.

I just read a blog by a girl named Kellie Hazen. Or A note or poem. It was beautiful. She asked when was she gonna be more like God. Thats the perfect question. The question I need to be focusing on. Not focusing on being like the world, focusing on being more like God. Being more like the way he made me.



I dont

Snow Daze

So for the past Seven days, I have been snowed in. Thats right. At first It was great. Beautiful, fun, white, clean, wonderful SNOW. But today its a drag. I've become stir crazy and worse yet, forced to dwell on thoughts I otherwise don't deal with.

The snow does start off all wonderful. I snows while I sleep, I wake up and realize... well I'm stuck at my house. YES... STUCK. I'm not like most lucky people, I don't live next to civilization or on a county road. My road, doesn't get plowed, or sanded, and while most people are able to leave their own driveways, my car gradually became covered in 18" inches of SNOW!

My parents took me to their house for the first Three days. I quaded, kept entertained, enjoyed Jennys party on friday. Then to my dismay, I got frustrated. I quickly realized just how lucky I was before this fatal snowfall. I could go anywhere I wanted on a whim. A drive, to shop, to go get a coffee... but now I can't. Its amazing how quickly us Humans adapted to instant mobility.. and how hard it is for me.. to unadapt.

I have been forced to sit at home, watch movies, journal, text, and worst of all THINK. I don't even know why, but I hate thinking about my life right now. Its a burden. If I can avoid the reality of my situation... I do! Its difficult. I have been successful at not worrying, which is a huge feat for me, but me doing this successfully means, for me, that I avoid even thinking about it. Now I'm not gonna get into it all.. I'm just going to say its a God thing. God sent this Snow... maybe for me... maybe for alot of us.. but I like to think.. for me.. to force me to think about my life.

Today, by the grace of God, my dad decided to clear my road. He told me he didn't think I'd make it all the way out to Highway 9. I had to try. I got in the car, cruised up the road, made it up the hill.. only to have my car get stuck on ice... ! I had to be towed out. I could see the highway. I was almost free. But I wasn't, it was Gods way of showing me where he felt I was. It was so not AWESOME! To see it Gods way. Here I am always thinking I am right, believing I am perfect, that I got it right, all the way to his highway, that I was living the way he wanted. But then again, now in reflection I know I am not. I went stir crazy, but in the midst of it all, I cried. The reality was I didn't want to get out of my house, I wanted to get out of my own Brain. If I can't even deal with reality, if I have to escape, somethings not right.

So I must submit now. To the forces against me. To the forces that want my betterment. I submit to Gods love. He wants me here, he knows I need to be here, I just have to hear it now... I need to embrace Gods love.

not alone

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I miss having the type of companionship a husband, even a sucky one, can offer. I don’t miss my ex-spouse, but I do miss certain elements. I miss being touched, having someone to help me at night with my baby, and mostly just having someone to talk to about my most random of thoughts.


I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.

So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.

Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.

So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.

I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.

Mind your own P's and Q's

Yesterday I was at the Grocery store grabbing some items. While I was there I saw a woman leaving the store, she was crying. I, being in my own little world, minding my own space, looked the other way. However a little boy, maybe not so little, about 11 or 12, ran over to her and started to ask her why she was crying. His mother, mortified, snatched his arm and pulled him away, and said to her son "mind your own P's and Q's. Its not your problem or you buisness"

After this scenario, I sat there STUNNED. I was like that mother, wanting to leave that woman alone. I had learned to not be authentic to not be real. That womans son hadn't learned that yet. He was concerned, as should I have been and everyone else.

We tend to go about the world in our own little Bubbles. Minding our own buisness. Why do we do this? I dont really have an answer, other than to say we are selfish beings, but also because we are taught its wrong to be involved. I know that sounds like a contradiction to the many political campaigns and other commercials we hear.. They say DO something, get involved, make a difference... yet when we do we are more often than not shut down.

Let me explain. When I was married, the family I was married into was emotionally and spirtually unhealthy. They would wrong me and I would cease to trust them. I would be called unforgiving, but I had forgiven them. I just didn't want to let them belittle me again. I wanted to see a quality change in their lives, I would say.. something like "in order for you to get X you have to show me Y" thus I would be deemed judgemental. I was deemed judgemental because I wanted to improve their life. Thus I became afraid of being involved with them or telling them my thoughts, and more and more afraid to stick up for my thoughts outside of my family life.

I notice these type of things in alot of situations. When a person sticks up for what they beleive and what they saw Jesus stick up for they are deemed Judgemental. Its almost as if we aren't allowed to hold anyone accountable for fear of the stigma that we are 'Judgemental'. So if doing something means we are judgmental.. then doing nothing and ignoring a problem in my eyes makes you a lemming.. FOLLOWING one after the other and jumping to your doom.

I argue to say then being 'Judgemental' is far better than being a lemming. That woman in the store was crying. Who knows why. I didn't bother to ask. I should have. Even if it was her fault she was crying. Maybe she lives with a man who keeps emotionally abusing her. She could leave. I could have lovingly said you know you need to leave, if you dont he will keep abusing you and you are enabling his actions thus equally at fault at this point for allowing yourself to be abused. She might say I was judging her. But judging and accountablity are so close. I am not talking about bad judgements here.. like I see a dirty man on the streets.. who looks like a Bum and I instantly think BUM, Alcholic, etc.. thats a bad judgement.. one not even based in truth. I am talking about the judgementalism that gets us involved.

IF we see a bad situation we need to get involved. We see a woman crying. We should attempt to see if she needs something we can offer. We may only be able to offer a hug.. but shouldn't we try? Why should we not get involved. Why is it ok to not get involved? If we see someone getting beat to death. Its not a judgement to say that this situation is wrong. We are enabling the beaters and beating the victim if we watch or even if we walk away and ignore. To sit there while someone is being beat and do nothing is wrong.

I can't always mind my own P's and Q's. Nor should I. I don't care if I seem Judgemental any longer. I don't care if my caring drives away people. Because the only people I am driving away will one day need someone to care.. someone to JUDGE the situation they are in, hold them accountable, help them, and NOT enable them. So if you see someone in need of help don't be afraid of what could happen of being judged or judging. God calls us to hold up our brothers and sisters. To not let them fall. He calls us to sin no more. Doing nothing is a Sin. Standing idly by is a SIN.

What do you deserve?

Ask yourself.. what is it you deserve? Do you deserve the current situation you are in? Yes the choices we make land us in some crazy messes, but other peoples choices effect us as well. If your parents are drug addicts and homeless you and you are too.. was it your choice? Do you deserve that? If your born into a rich family and you do nothing with your life but spend, do you deserve that? If you are born in Africa and starve to death, did you deserve that?

I ask this because it is a serious issue in many peoples hearts and thoughts. Many people believe we deserve the situation we are in.. poor earned the right to be poor and rich the right to be wealthy.
If you are born in another country, one that women are not allowed to pursue an education, do you desrerve that?

We are taugth from the moment we come out to pursue the job that makes us happy, yet makes us money. So if I truely pursued the job I wanted, I'd be one broke woman. I love to study and talk Egypt. There is no money in this. Some jobs by nature make more money, ie doctors, but not everyone can be a doctor. We need Cops, we need nurses, we need janitors, we need garbage men. Yet if we are not Doctors and garbage men instead we make just 1/10th the amount they do. We have chosen to be poor.

What I don't understand is why we label one job more important than another. Why we put a price on a job. A police mans job is highly important. S/He protects the road, my home, and my family. When I am in danger s/he puts their life on the line for me. Yet his max average pay is $85,000 per year. Even with an education. The doctor saves lives. He works long hours and endures stress. His max pay is almost undefinable, but rarely over 2 mil a year. Both these jobs are important. We need both of these jobs. So why is one deemed worth more than the other?

I don't believe anyone deserves more than another. Yes we make choices. But what we do for a living and what we make financially shouldn't mean we deserve to not eat or have health care or shelter over our heads.

Sigh. Jesus wanted us to be equal to care for one another. To share. His darn ideals were closer to socialism and communism. (NOW MY FELLOW READERS LOOK UP THESE IDEAOLOGIES AND THEIR DEFINITIONS B4 JUDGING ME. COMMUNISM IS A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT. YES PEOPLE ARE TO GREEDY.. BUT MAYBE SOME FORM COULD WORK. THE NEXT SOCIAL MOVEMENT SHOULD BE CALLED JESUSISM.)

So yet again, here I am frustrated at the worlds view point. Wanting to wash worldy thoughts from my brain, and think for the world not with it.

Those Damned Scientists

Those darn scientists. They are at it again. Trying once and for all to prove that life outside of our bodies does not exist. The University of Southampton is launching the world's largest-ever study of near-death experiences this week. The AWARE (AWAreness during REsuscitation) study is to be launched by the Human Consciousness Project of the University of Southampton - an international collaboration of scientists and physicians who have joined forces to study the human brain, consciousness and clinical death.
They define death the following way : Contrary to popular perception, death is not a specific moment, scientists say. It is a process that begins when the heart stops beating, the lungs stop working and the brain ceases functioning. In short The AWARE study is basically just a way to prove that all those folks who have had near death experiences, seen God and all that other jazz that happens when you die or come close to dying, is crap. They want us to believe that its chemicals and mis-firing synapses inducing the images in a dying brain.


Scientist and theoristis go around trying to prove that God and the after life do not exist. They either do it by studying things like the AWARE group or by saying that God is just purely made up. You see religions can be very similar. One Ultimate or supreme being, they all encourage you to be moral and help your neighbor, they all state that there is some form of life after death (heaven , reincarnation... etc), they all state that we come from one mother or Orgin (eve, earth, etc) and they all believe The End of Days. It's just about unanimous that, at the end of the world, there will be a great battle between good and evil, and Final Judgment will be made.

So the thought behind alot of thinking to disprove GOD (and what used to be my own) is that if they are all similar they are all mythological and made up crap. Now I believe strongly in a GOD who loves me. I found that my thinking and studying and finding these similarities only eventually led to an affirmation of belief.. I could never quite disprove God in my own mind.

Any ways.. why .. why .. why can't scientist let well enough alone.? Say I am wrong (which I AM NOT) but lets just say for their sake there is no God, no after life. Then what is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of being kind to one another, of doing things right, of taking care of the Earth.? If there is no after life then none of the crap we do matters. So if it didn't matter I believe we'd all become depressed and just Blow our earth to peices so much faster than we are now. So why do the scientist want to depress the rest of mankind just because they can't fathom the idea that some one some where created them and loves them?

So anyway I do think the study is a cool idea because I am betting on GOD and betting they wont be able to explain anything that happens with anything but the following statement "We have yet to discover why people experience certain events while their body is physically dead. We will continue researching these types of events and until we have a more clear understanding and broader study group, the answers to life and death will remain a mystery". Some thing like that will do!

Take a stand

Take a stand. DO SOMETHING. This is what I frequently tell myself.

As a Christian... and a blessed individual, I should do what I can for those who can not do for themselves.

Many people ask.. why should I do anything at all. I ask why not? Why should we not do what GOD has called us to do.. HELP our FELLOW man out. ITs wrong to ignore the many issues the world is facing. Animal cruelty, animal extinction, and global warming, pollution. God Gave us this place... he commanded we care for it... and here we are trashing it. It is also wrong to ignore the HUMAN CONDITION. Poverty, starvation, illnesses that can be prevented, dehydration, malnutrition, lack of education, homelessness.. and so many other things.

Why do I, and so many others ignore the realities of this place. Why do I pretend that since I don't see the suffering its not truely going on. Can I really sit here and just rant and do nothing. Can I sit here and see it occur and do nothing! I know its going on.. maybe I don't see it.. but its real. I think its a sin to do nothing. God didn't just sit around, he took action. I believe that he wants us to take action as well.!

There is only one planet.. EARTH and there is only one people.. GODs people.


So I got to thinking... what issues effect my heart most. Poverty and homelessness. So todays lesson is about Poverty.

Thanks for reading.

So I got the following information from DOSOMETHING.Org

11 Facts about Global Poverty

1. Half the world – nearly three billion people – live on less than two dollars a day.
2. According to UNICEF, 26,500-30,000 children die each day due to poverty – that’s 18 children dying every minute, a child every three seconds.
3. About 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water, and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation.
4. For the 1.9 billion children from the developing world: 640 million are without adequate shelter, 400 million do not have access to safe water, 270 million do not have access to health services.
5. About 2.2 million children die each year because they are not immunized.
6. About 1.6 billion people – a quarter of humanity – live without electricity.
7. Over nine million people, of which five million are children, die worldwide each year because of hunger and malnutrition.
8. Over 11 million children die each year from preventable causes like malaria, diarrhea and pneumonia.
9. About 20% of the population in the developed nations consume 86% of the world’s goods.
10. The poorest 40% of the world’s population accounts for 5% of the global income. The richest 20% accounts for three-quarters of world income.
11. Around 27-28% of all children in developing countries are estimated to be underweight or stunted.

Background on Poverty

There are plenty of statistics and data about global poverty--these are just a few:

• Each year, more than 8 million people around the world die because they are too poor to stay alive.
• Over 1 billion people—1 in 6 people around the world—live in extreme poverty, defined as living on less than $1 a day.
• More than 800 million go hungry each day.
• Over 100 million primary school-age children cannot go to school.

Nearly 3 billion people—half of the world's population—are considered poor. Lots of men, women and children endure unimaginable obstacles that prevent them from receiving their basic human rights.

When the UN created the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948, the signers proclaimed that all people have the right to education, work, health and well-being. Today, however, millions around the world are too crippled by poverty to fulfill these basic rights. Millions continue to go hungry. Scores of children never step inside a classroom. Families watch their loved ones die from largely preventable causes because they do not have access to adequate medical care. In essence, poverty is a denial of human rights.

SO lets do something Fellow readers get involved.! Go to dosomething.org or

Take a Stand Against Poverty

Take a Stand Against Poverty - join the 43.7 million people who've demanded a more urgent political reponse to global poverty.

Over 43.7 million people, in 127 countries have broken the Guinness World Record – set last year at 23.5 million – for the largest number of people to “STAND UP AGAINST POVERTY AND FOR THE MILLENNIUM DEVELOPMENT GOALS” in 24 hours.

In 127 countries, millions stood and spoke out to demand a more urgent political response to the growing crisis of global poverty and inequality. They called on their world leaders to keep their commitments made in the Millennium Development Goals.

Add your voice today! -- http://standagainstpoverty.org/report/2

Rain

Yes I will do the rain dance. I love the rain. I hear so many of my friends and radio host say" We had a terrible summer, and here comes that darn rain". I find that amusing. Its like people dont know where they live or are just to stubborn to get it. I just want to say "HELLO this is washington not california.. you want blue skies and warm weather MOVE"

I love it in Washington. I find the weather to be a perfect. It never gets to hot or to cold. We don't have any drastic weather conditions, and the rain leads to the most beautiful green I have ever seen.

Today is supposedly one of the last nice days we will see in a while. Alot of people are sad about it. I guess I will miss going to the beach and the river. But I love the rain. FOR some odd reason I find my happiness when it pours. I love to just sit in it. To let it drench me. The rain brings me a peace that no amount of clear waters and blue skies ever could.




The only way I truely appreciate a non rainy day is at night. The night sky almost brings me as much peace as the rain. I feel close to my creator both when dancing in the rain and sleeping under the stars.

Sigh I love my home. I love the rain. I love the sky. I love God

Rain dancing away...

I love it so much I made this:

I'm Fat, a passing thought

The way we look at women, and a womans body has become an intense sociological job, Everyone has a set standard, everyone has a view point, and for the most part, being thin has been the standard since the 1960's. Thanks Twiggy. Women have a tendancy to obsess with how they look, and historically speaking a womans body was always under the microscope, but more recently the womans body equals health and happiness.


As a society we are growing heavier and as we get older we do gain more weight , our body preferences are growing thinner. Being thin, thin is defined by Hollywoods veiw point, is seen as the only way to be satisfied with ones self. Thinness will lead to a great man, great sex, and a great job, thus a happy and full life. Despite the concerns of feminists and other observers, body image issues seem to be only growing in importance. With movies like 13 going on 30 and the women trying to promote a change in magazines, trying to push them toward real women, I still only see a lean toward the unreal, the ungettable look.

This obsession with the way women look hasn't helped us see ourselves for what we are. If we are on the heavier side we are judged as lazy and unhappy. If we are 'too' thin we are seen as bitchy or snobby. Feminism doesn't always free women either. It hasn't helped society see women for real women, but at the same time feminist ideal pushes us to stray away from things women are naturally good at nurturing, thus we tend to no longer nuruture ourselves or our bodies. Then hollywoods standards are very obvious. Watch any show. A man can be heavy and bald, and moderately if not completely unattractive, but still have a successful show. However his wife is always super attractive. She is thing and her hair is always long and thick. As a society we pride ourselves as being advanced in thought, but I ask how is putting a woman in a BOX an advanced thought?

I know that appearance has always been important. Being heavy used to be a status quo. If you had some chunk you were obviously wealthy because you can afford to eat not because you were lazy. Being tan hasn't' always meant you had the money to lounge around and be a bronzed beauty, it used to mean you were a laborer, the poor portion of society. Appearance has always mattered, but what we are supposed t look like changes.

According to Psychology today, when most people think of body image, they think about aspects of physical appearance, attractiveness, and beauty. But body image is so much more. It's our mental representation of ourselves; it's what allows us to understand ourselves. Body image isn't simply influenced by feelings, and it actively influences much of our behavior, self-esteem, and psychopathology. Our body perceptions, feelings, and beliefs govern our life plan who we meet, who we marry, the nature of our interactions, and our day-to-day comfort level.

The thought is "if I were only 5'5 and 115 lbs have clear skin and great hair, I'd have it all'
I just want to know this, how come what we weigh equals self satisfaction?

For the most part what society expects becomes what is real. Unrealistic expectations become reality. In order for a man to see a woman as attractive, she has to be thin. In order for him to fall in love she has to be hot. AND vice-versa. Women wont go seeking a relationship unless she feels comfortable with her body and very rarely do women over size 12 feel okay with their bodies, thus the whole system is pushed into overdrive -- reaffirming that size matters. When in fact it doesn't.. it is our damn perception!


Sigh. I woke up today and hated my body. Normally I am completely comfortable with it but I realized I am Fifteen pounds heavier than I want to be and I don't look the exact way I want to. My world is a slightly lonely place and today I blamed my body for it. Stupid societal expectations. Even my girlfriends who are highly advanced in many thoughts, still influenced todays reaction at myself. They are beautiful and thin women.. I am bigger than most and yet they still see themselves as FAT so.. how do they see me? I MUST BE HUGE! Then I know my reactions at myself will influence them. Perhaps they see me as thin? and my thinking I'm disgusting will only encourage their further thinking they are disguisting as well! RAWR cycles, I hate them.!


This whole way of the world and its damn importance was not an is not how God wants it.
How do I change my own view point? How do I see me for me? How do I say I am beautiful to God and that all that matters? Today its going to be a struggle. Everyday is. But I need to smack myself and say I am beautiful to me and to God.. SO SCREW the worlds idea.!

So to my fellow readers:

Lets start a new fad, a new trend, a new view point,

LETS LOVE OUR BODIES JUST THE WAY THEY ARE

opposite way

So being single in this day in age is like being on a game show. Its unrealistic and the expectations and goal are just not worth it. Todays society tells me that when I meet a guy, I should be sleeping with him by the end of the first date... and in love after we've had sex.

Its not like when I am around a nice man I don't want to kiss him; but the thought doesn't go much further than that. For starters I can't fathom the idea of sleeping with some one I dont first love, and secondly I can't fathom sleeping with someone I am not married to. I know that sounds seriously old fashioned, and I really dont care. Society has set the pace. I have seen a few people just a few run the other way.

In the United State, the new idol worship isn't a wooden statue, its the lives of the rich and famous. We strive to do what it appears they do. For the most part people with in hollywood do what we expect.. they set this pace of unmarried sex and quick fixes. However I have seen 2 examples of famous people attempting to RUN the other way. The Jonas Brothers a famous boy band on Disney is wearing purity rings. Purity rings are worn to symbolize that fact that the wearer intends to stay pure until marriage. They were made fun of at the VMA's and only 2 people stuck up for them. One was Jordin Sparks ( a fellow purity ring wearer) and Paris Hilton.



Its not shocking that they were made fun of. The shocker was that Paris Hilton, a pace setter in the flesh, stuck up for them. Sigh. I wasn't sure what to make of all of that. But maybe even the pace setters wish they too could run the other direction.

With the majority of people believing that sex is dating. How do I expect to meet a decent man who is not retarded with society? Can I stay true to my own personal expectations? Or will societal pressures, norms, and a man I think is hot convince me other wise?

Dating, a Really scary idea. Actually getting along with a man long enough to make him commit to be my boyfriend ... and to commit to the same principles and or similar ones.. almost seems impossible. LOL.


So all this ranting was brought on by my new favorite song:

Opposite way by Leeland. Lyrics:

Living in the same town
for all these years
Doing the same old things
hanging with the same crowd
and it's starting to get crippling
you never felt in place
and you tell yourself it's all okay
but something's different today
you want to run the opposite way
and it seems like you're locked in a cage
and you need to find a way of escape
when everyone's setting the pace- it's okay to run the opposite way

and the Father sent his Son down
the Light of men
the cross he bore was crippling
rejected in His own town
and they couldn't see the Sun shining
He knelt in the garden and prayed
Father let this cup pass from me
It's not Your will for me to stay
Your will for me is the opposite way

and it seems like He was locked in a cage
and He couldn't find a way of escape
but through the cross He conquered the grave
my Jesus ran the opposite way

Oh, and through the cross He conquered the grave
Oh, He ran the other way
Yeah, through the cross He conquered the grave
So you could run the opposite way

Perfection

Its a matter of time. Before we all fail at something. Its so easy to be human. My question for everyone is.. is there ever a time were we dont fail? Jesus was perfect. 100% flawless. Was anyone even close? like 80% ? I can say for myself.. I fail alot. I find that I am in the 20ish% maybe under .. LOL.. category.

So Authenticity. Its my goal now. Being authentic. Real, assertive, and loving. Even if I get better at these things.. will I ever reach over 40%? or is this percent crap just retarded? It is. I know. We are either perfect, thus being God, or we are imperfect thus being Human. This is something I am coming to terms with. Being ok with an imperfect life.. and circumstances.. or atleast my ideas of perfect. Being ok with the fact that I am only Human. God forgives and infinitely loves me.. this is something I dont do this for myself. I don't always forgive myself... my expectations are that of the worlds.. and not of Gods. I know I need to be real.


I believe my attempts to change, to better myself, my spirituality, my life, etc. will not only make me a better friend (eventually) but will influence me to reach out more and more to my heavenly father.

I am hoping that my fastlessness will only encourage my search for the authentic self. To find the truth in the fact that imperfection makes me beautiful. That my human ways and attempts and successes to be better will bring a smile to my Creators face.. and that I can truly believe HE loves me. I am so grateful that God has forgiven me and that He infinitely Loves.


Forgiven

All the bad I've done
The cruelty I wished for
I ask it all to be undone
The lies and deceit
all the absurdity in this world
I pray it to be cleaned.
These moments in life
so few, unable to look back
I wish for it all to be forgiven
Stupid mistakes
or maybe just one
can it be forgotten
Loud and forever lost
what happened to my land of trees
Lord please bring the peace I need

That was a poem I wrote a few years ago.. when I was still searching to be 'perfect'... but what I find so interesting is that somehow even before I knew Gods love... I knew that the only way to find peace and 'perfection' was thru Gods forgiveness, thru being real.

Heavy Heart

So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.


I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.

I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.

Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.


So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.

I need GOD.

A Goal Of Fastlessness

So my Goal Starting August 14th is to not be :"FAST Less Ness" for 30 days. This means no fast food or shopping... ie.. starbucks, smoothies, subway, slurpees, chinese from safeway, and many other things that I love so much. I am also not going to purchase clothing, shoes, hair crap, or DVDs.. meaning for me no target or walmart.

The goal of my "Fast Less Ness" is to say to GOD.. Hey I love you more than I love me. So not getting a coffee ore a sub sandwhich for thirty days will be hard, but I think God is more important than my instant self gratification.

I am excited to do this, and scared to fail. So all of my friends I need your support!