its a matter of time

Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense? Like everything you do is just a battle that is going to be lost anyways.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.

We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.

We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.


We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.

Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.

So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.

In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.

The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.

Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.

Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.

I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?

It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.

I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.

veg... going... going.. gone

Last month before I turned the big 26, I found myself in an old pattern, Vegetarianism. Over the last few months I bought vegetarian meats to cook for myself, but when I was with other people, I would still eat meat. My slow transition back into vegetarianism, is probably one many people could have seen coming. By the time February rolled around, it was getting harder and harder to continue to be a meat eater.

When I was 12 I became a vegetarian. I remained this way until I became pregnant with my daughter Nevaeh. At the request of my then husband and OBGYN I started to eat meat. I had been a vegetarian for nearly 12 years. I was always a very sensitive and picky eater. I remember the last day I ate fish, I was 5, and had just figured out what fish sticks were. Same with anything else that lived underwater. By the time I was 12 my mother let me have my way and allowed me to be picky.

I am not a vegetarian for health reasons, even though it would be nice to say I was. I am because I can hardly stand the thought of eating an animal. It saddens me. I can't stand the thought of killing another creature, one that can feel, just to feed me. There are so many other types of food sources available, it just doesn't seem necessary to me. I am not saying I am against farming, well I am against big farms, but small farms are ok. I am not against other people eating meat, I am just saying it truely isn't for me.

Alot of people do not understand this. With in christianity, I get the typical, well God allows for it BS. My reply is he also calls for good stewardship of our animals and mass farming isn't good stewardship at all. God also created other food sources, thus I don't think he really cares if I am a vegetarian or not. Other people who dont understand just dont understand why I care so much for the animal. I just do. I over think everything. Its almost impossible to turn off my ever spinning brain.

Anyways... I have officially gone back to my ways. And honestly its difficult to not go full board this time, to go vegan. However, I can't give up cheese, and even if rice cheese could satisfy my love for regular cheese, I could never give up honey, and to be an official vegan you can't even eat honey!