Vernacular Matters

Many of you know that I am in school, on my way to becoming an MSW. This quarter we wrote an essay about in regards to a vision for change. This was a great assignment. Thinking of all the things I would like to change. There are so many. For me a multitude of ideas matter. For this assignment I wrote about how language mattered.

In my essay I shared the idea : It is my opinion awareness of our language and how it may be used is a capability all human beings possess. The way we speak to others and about others matters. Language can foster acceptance and trust. At the same time it can foster hate, confusion, and discrimination. Words are a very powerful tool.

Vernacular matters. It is one of my most important weapons of our time. Healing and deadly.

In the beginning of my life I was much more opinionated than I am at this time. I never cared if my opinion infringed on others. I over stepped feelings an carelessly tried to change the world around me by asserting my beliefs with out regards to the beliefs of others. I used my vernacular to make people feel small. I was talented at this. Not something I am proud of. I look back and like my belief systems, but not the way in which they were carried out.

I feel like I have lost the 'who I am' over the last decade. I have officially lost my title as 'perfect'. Not that I ever was. But I have humbled myself to a new me. One who sees her imperfections, acknowledge them, and hopes to change.I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippie of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc. I am an aware consumer, environmentally concerned and very interested in the occupy movements. I wish I knew more people like me. I do not. Sometimes I wonder how I became 'who I am'. My newest goal is to wake up every morning trying to be the best version of myself possible. This person watches what she says to others. She is willing to take in the words and advice of others. At the same time I am allowed to be free and to be myself. The opinionated 'different' one in the group.


As I learn I feel myself growing more opinionated than I have ever been. It is hard to be in the room with someone I disagree with. Life choice, ideas, the way they speak, etc. I am challenging myself to change. I am bringing my ideas in. If they are not received or heard it does not mean that they are 'wrong'. However it also does not mean the opposing party or opinion is wrong either. Its a hard concept to grasp.

I realize that everyone's life journey is different. Life teaches us all something new. I have always been some what of an outcast. The hippy of the group, the only vegetarian in my friends group, the weird one... etc.

When I lost myself I cared so much about what others thought. I stopped being myself. I needed to be accepted. I had never really been accepted. Even though I was silent (for me) I still feel as though I am disliked by my peer systems. So therefore its not worth being silent. Finding myself means I care only about what God would think. I love others by respecting who they are and not forcing the who I am upon them.

I am allowed to use my words to challenge and to accept. I pray that God use me. That God wakes me from were I have been. That I can become the woman I know he created. The one has so much compassion for everything it makes her appear crazy. I pray that I can accept who I am and stop trying so hard to change that. Its OK for people to not like me. Its not about me anyways, its about changing the world for the benefit of others and not myself.

Because I am single

This may start off like a sorrowful post. Yes... yes.. I have been writing a lot about single-dom... but hey, it is all I know.

So today is Valentines day. I call it the happy singles awareness to their awkwardness day. Its a holiday to show the people you love that you love them. I do not have any significant other, yet I want to give a shout out to the loves of my life!

Jesus- Thank you for all your sacrifices. For your forgiveness and for my life.

Nevaeh- Thank you for loving me like crazy. For being my daughter and making me laugh an infinite amount of times a day.

Mother- Thank you for bringing me into this world and tolerating me these past 28 (nearly 29) years. For guiding me to being the woman I am.

Grandma- For always teaching me about Jesus' love.

Karissa- thanks for being my baby sister. You always have my back I know I'll be ok as long as your around.

Malerie- Thank you for allowing me to be me. For floating the river a multitude of times and never complaining how we both stink life river and fish afterward.

Sarah- Thank you for partaking in the weird activities of my daily life. For knocking over those cones and speeding off.. for laughing like a hyena with me in grocery stores.

Uncle Marty- For showing me what a quality human being looks like. For taking me to movies and being a dad for all intensive purposes

Uncle Mo- For Swedish pancakes mo style, giving me perspective on the outdoors, and sharing your birthday with me.

Heather F. - For being the love of my life. For your daily encouragement its needed.

JP- For loving my heather feather and beign a man of style and respect.

Heather P- For being my tigger and showing me a love for exercise.

Nic P. For being a fellow Eyore and always checking in on me.

Jenny L- For your optimism in my moments of complete and utter negativity

Greg L- For showing me men can treat their wives wonderfully

Cheryl- For hill rolling and making teeter totters as grown adults.

Krystal- For tolerating my strangeness and just being there.

Amanda- For being there in moments of crisis

Monica G- For keeping me in check

Jen G- For your encouragement to accept others and challenge myself.

Kerina- For our long walks

Jersie- For being a faithful puppy and snuggling me when you know I am cold

Coca- for being Nevaehs faithful cat

Dew- For drooling so much and cuddling me in the middle of the night

Spock- For pretending to be a dog and being such a cool kitty.

TO my other family- thank you for being family

to my friends I didn't list- I love you and you are a huge part of my life. Thank you!

What you ask for is the flaw???

After reading a blog by my friend Sarah B. that I felt shared the part of her that was awakening, I wanted to do the same. It feels every day this year I become more and more self aware. Often its painfully aware and uncomfortably so.

What do you spend your time asking for? From God and the life he gave you? The majority of my life has been spent asking for something I have never had. I have spent nearly 29 years asking for a family. So these last 29 years my focus has been in that direction. On what I do not have yet so desperately want.

I spent my teen years dreaming over the idea of my first boyfriend. He didn't come around until I was nearly 18. Even though he was a highly intelligent man I know he wasn't what God intended for me. Shortly after I met a man I would marry and divorce. I remember thinking that dating, being married and in a relationship would be so amazing. It was not what I hoped for or dreamed of. My divorce being so painful I ran away from relationships with men. This run only deepened the feeling inside me that I wanted a man to complete my family. I never had a dad. My husband left me. Broken. I just felt broken. Often I still do.

So I asked God to send me a man.

And over the last 18 months he has sent them. He has sent them in many shapes sizes and genres. Some looking like what I asked for, meeting my criteria.. but none meeting what I really needed or wanted. I can't believe the amount of men I have 'dated' in the last year. Its insane. I never wanted to date alot never took pride in that idea. Now I know why it was something I never really wanted to do. Its because in reality dating is empty. Dating can be so very hallow. I want more than dating. So much more that I don't even know that a husband is what I want anymore.

And what is that what do I really need or want.

Gods approval. Gods love. Simple really but so hard to gauge to fix myself upon to feel.. to know.. to trust.

I asked God again why he did not want to give me a 'family'. I felt him say 'look again'. So I did. I saw a family. A huge one. Sisters who I am incredibly close to. Family who has supported me at every turn. Fellow students in my school who have support my education journey, a church of family... my family is everywhere. Its bigger than a 'man'. Its much more fulfilling really.

When I think of that and think of all the time I spent focused on wanting a husband to change my life I never considered the ways God could transform my life. OR the tools he put inside me to create my own happy life, even though it was so broken.

He gave me passion for the needy. He got me into a elite program. He gets me through the days at school I feel terrified to do a project. He challenges me to lead and create events. He is growing me to do his will. When I focus on what I want... and what I don't have.. I don't see these things he wants me to do. I only see what I want to do.

I've woken up lately. To the idea that I need to do what he wants me to do. NEED because it is really what I want. Its really the part of me that makes me happy. How he is growing me and the gifts he has given me are the things that make me the most happy. His giving me multiple men over the last year showed me how men could not make me happy. His giving me school and passion for others has showed me what truly makes me happy.

I hope I can hold onto this. That I don't convolute myself into the what I don't have. Because I have more than enough, and more than I need.

What is my life if not attrition

I think about who I used to be and compare her to the current version. Its interesting to read old blogs, old poetry, old journals.. I like the old girl. The new me is intent on pretending to not be lost. I was content before. I knew I was lost. I knew it sucked, I embraced it.

It seems life and the people in it, want you to buy the fairy tale. If you don't, pretend to be happy, because it could be alot worse. Its true it could be a lot worse. I know this. Part of my imbalance has so much to do with the state of affairs for others. Not saying I'm completely unselfish, in fact I am completely selfish. Its hard to enjoy moments of "glory" with out feeling a sting of guilt.

The guilt of I didn't finish my dessert.. there are plenty of people who have never had Deseret. The guilt of not speaking up, when I can. There are so many women around the world beaten to death just for being themselves... and at least I live somewhere I can attempt to be me. If everyone had the same opportunities as me, it would be easier to enjoy my moments of glory.

I have become the antithesis of me. NO longer standing firm with who I am, I just hide. I don't have a me any more. All that was good, isn't. I feel like expectations and people just kept pounding. Building the war against me. I fought, and fought to stay unique... but the pressure of being me and staying true to me was to much to bear.

I get bought so easily. A glance. A pretty color. So easily distracted. The idea that my "I" is up for sale disturbs me.

Can I come back. Am I supposed to. I see glimmers of me. I see the creation of possibility. I don't know what I want. I cant stand the now. I can't even think of the now for a few minutes with out feeling a deep seeded rage about life.

Can school continue to mold me, God continue to shape me, and will I let it happen. What will I let win out. The me... or the them. What should win out.?

Me is so selfish, so individualistic. Them is not me, the absence of, but its for the collectivist ways. Its so ensnared, so confused. I just needed this vent.

Whats bad is good?

I've just got done reading the Hunger game series by suzanne collins(good reads.. fyi.. some spoilers as well below read with caution),when it hit me, I was a capitol citizen.

What does that mean, one may ask. Simpley this. A person who lives life greatly unaware of the world around them. I live in a world were everything I want is a simple click of a button, flick of a switch, or accessable by the movement of my finger tips. I order food that I don't finish, throw out spoiled food, clothes that are no longer in style I dismiss. I waste my time concerned with what I should wear and what romance might fall my way. I don't really spend to much time thinking outside of myself.





In suzanne collins second book of hunger games series, catching fire, the main character is at a party were the guests of this party engage in gorging themselves full of food. These guest then vomit up the food so that they can re-gorge .. simply put just for the sheer joy of having a full belly. So much waste. So ridiculous, right,?, when in these stories people are starving to death.
These citizens celebrate the main charachter for her ability to kill others and survive. They watch killings every year and praise the contestants as if they are Gods.. wrong right??

If I think that was ridiculous (along with the many uneducated acts of the capitol citizens) how can I not find my own daily living ridiculous?

Is it excusable to waste so much of my time on entertainment excess when people around the world die from starvation, curable diseases, or are forced into slavery every day? Every day I decide to buy a peice of clothing not made in the US, or I watch a show that advertises abuse and ignores the harms, I am making that excuse.

I am a capitol citizen. I will watch the hunger games no matter how wrong I think they are. No matter how awful it is to see. Its mere entertainment. I waste my time reading the gossip of the Kardashians, buying ashton kutchers clothing line, all for mere entertainment (yet I am supporting what they stand for.. unfaithfulness, lying, selfishness, ego-centrism... and so on.)I buy products that were made by little hands (god forbid that my daughter ever have to work 16 hour shifts in a factory to make10 dollars) as long as I can have that shirt.


So here I sit. On my computer. Feeling like I am solving my own issue. I'm a better person than those of the capitol, because I write about it, because I'm recognizing it... right?

What can I do? How can I change what I am, what is acceptable. What is really bad that I see as good... how can I change my perception and no longer be a capitol citizen?
I can watch the minature earth youtube video (http://youtu.be/drSDhlnm0e0) over and over and over, and still I have no idea how to change me. If I can change me maybe I can really make a difference. Maybe I will do something. Maybe something will get better for someone else. Maybe.
I wrote this poem today after obsessing about this idea.
So here it is for all the world to share:

On the edge of what once was
No one thing is the same
Taking a plunge to be free

To the edge of what will be
Seeking the expected
No wings there to guide me

Every choice and every chance
has mercies evil glance
Life just a false romance
can we really even dance

To the brink of what is
Its familiar now
Shackled just trying to be

Every choice and every chance
has mercies evil glance
Life just a false romance
can we really even dance