What you ask for is the flaw???

After reading a blog by my friend Sarah B. that I felt shared the part of her that was awakening, I wanted to do the same. It feels every day this year I become more and more self aware. Often its painfully aware and uncomfortably so.

What do you spend your time asking for? From God and the life he gave you? The majority of my life has been spent asking for something I have never had. I have spent nearly 29 years asking for a family. So these last 29 years my focus has been in that direction. On what I do not have yet so desperately want.

I spent my teen years dreaming over the idea of my first boyfriend. He didn't come around until I was nearly 18. Even though he was a highly intelligent man I know he wasn't what God intended for me. Shortly after I met a man I would marry and divorce. I remember thinking that dating, being married and in a relationship would be so amazing. It was not what I hoped for or dreamed of. My divorce being so painful I ran away from relationships with men. This run only deepened the feeling inside me that I wanted a man to complete my family. I never had a dad. My husband left me. Broken. I just felt broken. Often I still do.

So I asked God to send me a man.

And over the last 18 months he has sent them. He has sent them in many shapes sizes and genres. Some looking like what I asked for, meeting my criteria.. but none meeting what I really needed or wanted. I can't believe the amount of men I have 'dated' in the last year. Its insane. I never wanted to date alot never took pride in that idea. Now I know why it was something I never really wanted to do. Its because in reality dating is empty. Dating can be so very hallow. I want more than dating. So much more that I don't even know that a husband is what I want anymore.

And what is that what do I really need or want.

Gods approval. Gods love. Simple really but so hard to gauge to fix myself upon to feel.. to know.. to trust.

I asked God again why he did not want to give me a 'family'. I felt him say 'look again'. So I did. I saw a family. A huge one. Sisters who I am incredibly close to. Family who has supported me at every turn. Fellow students in my school who have support my education journey, a church of family... my family is everywhere. Its bigger than a 'man'. Its much more fulfilling really.

When I think of that and think of all the time I spent focused on wanting a husband to change my life I never considered the ways God could transform my life. OR the tools he put inside me to create my own happy life, even though it was so broken.

He gave me passion for the needy. He got me into a elite program. He gets me through the days at school I feel terrified to do a project. He challenges me to lead and create events. He is growing me to do his will. When I focus on what I want... and what I don't have.. I don't see these things he wants me to do. I only see what I want to do.

I've woken up lately. To the idea that I need to do what he wants me to do. NEED because it is really what I want. Its really the part of me that makes me happy. How he is growing me and the gifts he has given me are the things that make me the most happy. His giving me multiple men over the last year showed me how men could not make me happy. His giving me school and passion for others has showed me what truly makes me happy.

I hope I can hold onto this. That I don't convolute myself into the what I don't have. Because I have more than enough, and more than I need.

Just look up

Have you ever looked up at the night sky for more than just a few minutes?

If you haven't spent more than an hour gazing, I recommend that it is something you do.

Star gazing is one of my favorite past times. I used to spend so much time just searching the skies, that now, I forget how much I loved it. shooting, stars, the milky way, Orion.. Cassiopeia.. I have memories of life lived looking up at the stars. This last year.. I haven't spent much time doing this. Life gets busy, I feel to tired, a rainy night, and a few other excuses thrown in there, have made it so I just glance and walk on. I almost forget how at ease I feel spending time under the night sky.

Last night, while at my parents cabin in Tonasket, my mom called me outside. I had spent half the night inside because the outside was just too hot. When I went out.. my mom said, Kelli.. LOOK UP.

I did.I have never seen the sky look so amazing. So far away from the city, so clear, so bright.. I stared at the sky in awe for a while. Even though I was eaten alive by mosquitoes, I found my happy place.

Nothing more amazing than the night sky.