Personal Stagnation

Life can be crazy. Nothing truly new for me, but it feels as thought the last two years have been trial after trial. Difficult change transitioning into an even more difficult change.  I really loathe self pity parties. I try to minimize my own struggles by comparing to what others have gone through. I try to motivate myself out of the lulls of sadness by stating... at least I am not a woman from before 1950, or at least I live in America, other people suffer more than I do, other people have it worse. But really what this does is minimize my own struggles. When I do this I am failing to acknowledge the things that I have overcome. When I minimize my suffering I also minimize my own strengths I have developed. 

Often the thing I struggle the most often with is the ultimate feeling of loneliness.  Its really silly in my eyes to let it get to me the way it does, but I feel it, and I cringe and want to run.  This feeling stems from a desire to have love.  It is truly where my life has been stagnant.  I long to "aquire" love. I long for it the way I imagine the desert longs for water, like its a necessity.  I feel as though once it becomes mine, it will "fix' all my other difficulities.  Love is afterall the magical cure all, right?  If when I do find it, I tell myself, I am sure to find financial stablility, friendship, passion, and a helper.  Finding this cure to all that ails me, however, remains illusive. To find lasting companionship is one of the most unattainable an unreachable goals I have ever had.

I wonder why it is that I want "it" so badly. Why am I so discontent to feel alone. It is something I have felt for years. The counselor in me... tries to rationalize my feelings. Saying of course you feel this way look at event XYZ. But even before XYZ I felt it. I remember feeling the longing at a very young age. I know that part of my feelings are normal, as part of the 'human condition'. To long for something more than ourselves, is somewhat the essence of what makes us all tick.  My longing, my desire, is also where I fill up my life in places to avoid.. living. Its so hard. I would rather go for a drive, sleep, read, or watch a movie. All just so I do not have to sit with loneliness.

Why is lonely so unacceptable to me. Why is longing so utterly painful. Its a question I believe can have a hundred reasons but truly the only answer is.. it must be accepted. Nothing lasts. Nothing. All that is ever guaranteed is death. This guarantee has me striving to accept, to be content. I do not know when the end is coming for me. But it is. I do not want to waste whats left of living on being discontent with what I have been given. I have been gifted loneliness. The longing for a mate. Its time I accept my position. Its time to sit with loneliness and be ok with in it.  I just need to figure out how and I need to start now.

I wrote this poem not too long ago, seems fitting:

I see you now


In a sea of faces who feel unknown
  Hidden from humanity,
       I cry alone
Desperate to collide with another being,
Notice the waters rise,
      Theres no use fleeing
Drowning slowly now,
           contentment seems to fit
Unforeseen you appear having nothing to omit

Caught off guard by desire,
    I fail to stay afloat
No intention or any promised note

Seemingly you are all I desire
 So fond of the idea,
       its all I longed to acquire
Loosing interest, you slowly start to float away
Damaged, I see you now,
             stay
The pain I recognize in you makes me alert
    Struggling,
        now I begin to hurt
Floating to surface now, gasping
I watch you go,
    my longing fading, collapsing
Alone again in this sea of faces
Waiting for  one to fill these spaces

not alone

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I miss having the type of companionship a husband, even a sucky one, can offer. I don’t miss my ex-spouse, but I do miss certain elements. I miss being touched, having someone to help me at night with my baby, and mostly just having someone to talk to about my most random of thoughts.


I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.

So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.

Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.

So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.

I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.