Dreaming with a broken heart

When your dreaming with a  broken heart waking up is the hardest part~ John Mayer

Its true. I am a dreamer. A big one. I love easily. Cry easily. I am full of hope for things that are so unrealistic... And I find that being this silly creature is nothing but heart ache. Hope unmet is empty. It is sorrow. Love unrequited is a black hole. Dreams unfulfilled, laughable.

Its the in-between. The "Eeyore" I frequently find in me.

My job, is amazing. It is a blessing to do what I do. To have the skills bestowed upon me that I do. GOD made me this dreamer. He gave me this compassion to love, care, to lack judgment, and cry easily for everyone and everything. He made me full of hope. Yet these gifts can be overwhelming. At times too much to bear. Every day I go to work, I am given a wake up call. Just when I think my life is hard or impossible... I hear a story.. that is unimaginable to me.  I can't fathom surviving what some of my clients have survived. Its heart wrenching. After the weeks over, the days over, I turn off. It hurts to know how much pain truly exists.

In my life I have had so much pain. Mostly centered around "men".. and this pain has put a big fat  hole in my life.... yet... I feel stupid that I let this hole, this desire for a "man" .. be so painful. There is real pain out there. There are real needs that must be met and how on earth will compassion ever meet those needs.

My job wakes me up. Yes I want to bury my head in the sand. But I see whats real. Where Gods people are. I see the reality of his family. Its broken, its tired, its at the end of its rope.. much like I have felt. Then I  wonder..

I am at the end of my rope. I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel scared.. how .. oh how can I even help anyone I serve when I am this mess?

I don't.

 I often feel alone. Not many people have seen what I have. Not many people get to experience this rude awakening of the reality of our world.  I can't do it alone. I desperately want to go back to the days before I experienced all my clients pain, before I created my own. I want to forget, to sleep well at night... but no matter what I try... I am painfully aware. I wonder.. what good is a gift of compassion when real needs exist.


My mess truly helps me to relate.

I realize this every moment more and more. Its not my job to 'fix' my clients. My job is exactly what Gods gifts have been to me.. the gifts of compassion, lack of judgment, of love and hope. Its so easy for me to see it in my clients. To see their potential. As my friend Heather puts it.. I see the diamond in every piece of coal...& she is right.  Its true.. I have a gift .. for finding something amazing about every person I encounter. My job is to help the people I meet, find this in themselves. Their success, failures, wellness.. has nothing to do with me, it is with in them. All people really need is someone to believe in them so that it can become safe to believe in themselves.

I don't know what my future holds. I know I feel a sense of sadness from serving where God wants me. A sense of hopelessness about my future, the future of man.. yet... somewhere in me.. I hope. I hope for my clients. I hope for myself and my own future. Again.. my gifts from God.. stupidly hoping .. rooting for the best the impossible...

Feeling silly .. feeling alone...

I continue on... just needed to get it out.. to vent and to feel heard.

Police Agility Test

So Saturday, thats tomorrow, I go in for a police officer agility test. I have been practing for the test. I had talked to several other candidates looked online and got the minimum passing requirements. I trained enough to be able to pass those.

The minimum requirements were 30 situps in sixty seconds. The situps being brutal. You start off flat on you back, knees straight up, and hands clasped behind your neck. As you come up into the situp your elbows must touch your knees, and as you go down your knuckles must touch the ground. You can not bounce. Someone will also be holding your legs in place.

Then you must to as many consequtive pushups as possible. minimum is 21. You must be as flat as possible and go down 4" from the ground and then all the way back up, to where your arms are completely straight.

Then there is the 300 meter sprint, which is nearly one lap around the track. The minimum time is 71 seconds.

Finally ther is the 1.5 mile run. The minimum time to complete this run is 14:31.

If you don't pass any of these by the minimum you instantly fail. So if I do the the minimum I keep moving on to each physical test. However this doesn't mean I get a passing grade. AND I just found this out this week. THe minimum wont give me enough points to move on. I have to increase everything. Now this isn't easy. As it takes time to get faster, muscle, and the building of strength and endurance.

I need in order to pass to do 28 push ups, 4more than I currently am able to do. 34 Situps, in sixty seconds, 4 more than I practiced, and I barely made 30 in sixty seconds! I need to run the sprint in 63 seconds, nearly 8 seconds faster than I can now... and I am running darn hard. And I need to do the 1.5 mile in 14 minutes I can currently do it in 1420. This sucks for me. They are all small adjustments but in running seconds are hard to makeup and catch up. In the sprint, I am running already as hard as I can, I can't imagine going any faster but I have to inorder to move on.

So right now I am discouraged. I know I won't pass. I may come close, but I wont move on tomorrow. So yeah, it sucks.!