Because I am single

This may start off like a sorrowful post. Yes... yes.. I have been writing a lot about single-dom... but hey, it is all I know.

So today is Valentines day. I call it the happy singles awareness to their awkwardness day. Its a holiday to show the people you love that you love them. I do not have any significant other, yet I want to give a shout out to the loves of my life!

Jesus- Thank you for all your sacrifices. For your forgiveness and for my life.

Nevaeh- Thank you for loving me like crazy. For being my daughter and making me laugh an infinite amount of times a day.

Mother- Thank you for bringing me into this world and tolerating me these past 28 (nearly 29) years. For guiding me to being the woman I am.

Grandma- For always teaching me about Jesus' love.

Karissa- thanks for being my baby sister. You always have my back I know I'll be ok as long as your around.

Malerie- Thank you for allowing me to be me. For floating the river a multitude of times and never complaining how we both stink life river and fish afterward.

Sarah- Thank you for partaking in the weird activities of my daily life. For knocking over those cones and speeding off.. for laughing like a hyena with me in grocery stores.

Uncle Marty- For showing me what a quality human being looks like. For taking me to movies and being a dad for all intensive purposes

Uncle Mo- For Swedish pancakes mo style, giving me perspective on the outdoors, and sharing your birthday with me.

Heather F. - For being the love of my life. For your daily encouragement its needed.

JP- For loving my heather feather and beign a man of style and respect.

Heather P- For being my tigger and showing me a love for exercise.

Nic P. For being a fellow Eyore and always checking in on me.

Jenny L- For your optimism in my moments of complete and utter negativity

Greg L- For showing me men can treat their wives wonderfully

Cheryl- For hill rolling and making teeter totters as grown adults.

Krystal- For tolerating my strangeness and just being there.

Amanda- For being there in moments of crisis

Monica G- For keeping me in check

Jen G- For your encouragement to accept others and challenge myself.

Kerina- For our long walks

Jersie- For being a faithful puppy and snuggling me when you know I am cold

Coca- for being Nevaehs faithful cat

Dew- For drooling so much and cuddling me in the middle of the night

Spock- For pretending to be a dog and being such a cool kitty.

TO my other family- thank you for being family

to my friends I didn't list- I love you and you are a huge part of my life. Thank you!

What you ask for is the flaw???

After reading a blog by my friend Sarah B. that I felt shared the part of her that was awakening, I wanted to do the same. It feels every day this year I become more and more self aware. Often its painfully aware and uncomfortably so.

What do you spend your time asking for? From God and the life he gave you? The majority of my life has been spent asking for something I have never had. I have spent nearly 29 years asking for a family. So these last 29 years my focus has been in that direction. On what I do not have yet so desperately want.

I spent my teen years dreaming over the idea of my first boyfriend. He didn't come around until I was nearly 18. Even though he was a highly intelligent man I know he wasn't what God intended for me. Shortly after I met a man I would marry and divorce. I remember thinking that dating, being married and in a relationship would be so amazing. It was not what I hoped for or dreamed of. My divorce being so painful I ran away from relationships with men. This run only deepened the feeling inside me that I wanted a man to complete my family. I never had a dad. My husband left me. Broken. I just felt broken. Often I still do.

So I asked God to send me a man.

And over the last 18 months he has sent them. He has sent them in many shapes sizes and genres. Some looking like what I asked for, meeting my criteria.. but none meeting what I really needed or wanted. I can't believe the amount of men I have 'dated' in the last year. Its insane. I never wanted to date alot never took pride in that idea. Now I know why it was something I never really wanted to do. Its because in reality dating is empty. Dating can be so very hallow. I want more than dating. So much more that I don't even know that a husband is what I want anymore.

And what is that what do I really need or want.

Gods approval. Gods love. Simple really but so hard to gauge to fix myself upon to feel.. to know.. to trust.

I asked God again why he did not want to give me a 'family'. I felt him say 'look again'. So I did. I saw a family. A huge one. Sisters who I am incredibly close to. Family who has supported me at every turn. Fellow students in my school who have support my education journey, a church of family... my family is everywhere. Its bigger than a 'man'. Its much more fulfilling really.

When I think of that and think of all the time I spent focused on wanting a husband to change my life I never considered the ways God could transform my life. OR the tools he put inside me to create my own happy life, even though it was so broken.

He gave me passion for the needy. He got me into a elite program. He gets me through the days at school I feel terrified to do a project. He challenges me to lead and create events. He is growing me to do his will. When I focus on what I want... and what I don't have.. I don't see these things he wants me to do. I only see what I want to do.

I've woken up lately. To the idea that I need to do what he wants me to do. NEED because it is really what I want. Its really the part of me that makes me happy. How he is growing me and the gifts he has given me are the things that make me the most happy. His giving me multiple men over the last year showed me how men could not make me happy. His giving me school and passion for others has showed me what truly makes me happy.

I hope I can hold onto this. That I don't convolute myself into the what I don't have. Because I have more than enough, and more than I need.

What is my life if not attrition

I think about who I used to be and compare her to the current version. Its interesting to read old blogs, old poetry, old journals.. I like the old girl. The new me is intent on pretending to not be lost. I was content before. I knew I was lost. I knew it sucked, I embraced it.

It seems life and the people in it, want you to buy the fairy tale. If you don't, pretend to be happy, because it could be alot worse. Its true it could be a lot worse. I know this. Part of my imbalance has so much to do with the state of affairs for others. Not saying I'm completely unselfish, in fact I am completely selfish. Its hard to enjoy moments of "glory" with out feeling a sting of guilt.

The guilt of I didn't finish my dessert.. there are plenty of people who have never had Deseret. The guilt of not speaking up, when I can. There are so many women around the world beaten to death just for being themselves... and at least I live somewhere I can attempt to be me. If everyone had the same opportunities as me, it would be easier to enjoy my moments of glory.

I have become the antithesis of me. NO longer standing firm with who I am, I just hide. I don't have a me any more. All that was good, isn't. I feel like expectations and people just kept pounding. Building the war against me. I fought, and fought to stay unique... but the pressure of being me and staying true to me was to much to bear.

I get bought so easily. A glance. A pretty color. So easily distracted. The idea that my "I" is up for sale disturbs me.

Can I come back. Am I supposed to. I see glimmers of me. I see the creation of possibility. I don't know what I want. I cant stand the now. I can't even think of the now for a few minutes with out feeling a deep seeded rage about life.

Can school continue to mold me, God continue to shape me, and will I let it happen. What will I let win out. The me... or the them. What should win out.?

Me is so selfish, so individualistic. Them is not me, the absence of, but its for the collectivist ways. Its so ensnared, so confused. I just needed this vent.

Whats bad is good?

I've just got done reading the Hunger game series by suzanne collins(good reads.. fyi.. some spoilers as well below read with caution),when it hit me, I was a capitol citizen.

What does that mean, one may ask. Simpley this. A person who lives life greatly unaware of the world around them. I live in a world were everything I want is a simple click of a button, flick of a switch, or accessable by the movement of my finger tips. I order food that I don't finish, throw out spoiled food, clothes that are no longer in style I dismiss. I waste my time concerned with what I should wear and what romance might fall my way. I don't really spend to much time thinking outside of myself.





In suzanne collins second book of hunger games series, catching fire, the main character is at a party were the guests of this party engage in gorging themselves full of food. These guest then vomit up the food so that they can re-gorge .. simply put just for the sheer joy of having a full belly. So much waste. So ridiculous, right,?, when in these stories people are starving to death.
These citizens celebrate the main charachter for her ability to kill others and survive. They watch killings every year and praise the contestants as if they are Gods.. wrong right??

If I think that was ridiculous (along with the many uneducated acts of the capitol citizens) how can I not find my own daily living ridiculous?

Is it excusable to waste so much of my time on entertainment excess when people around the world die from starvation, curable diseases, or are forced into slavery every day? Every day I decide to buy a peice of clothing not made in the US, or I watch a show that advertises abuse and ignores the harms, I am making that excuse.

I am a capitol citizen. I will watch the hunger games no matter how wrong I think they are. No matter how awful it is to see. Its mere entertainment. I waste my time reading the gossip of the Kardashians, buying ashton kutchers clothing line, all for mere entertainment (yet I am supporting what they stand for.. unfaithfulness, lying, selfishness, ego-centrism... and so on.)I buy products that were made by little hands (god forbid that my daughter ever have to work 16 hour shifts in a factory to make10 dollars) as long as I can have that shirt.


So here I sit. On my computer. Feeling like I am solving my own issue. I'm a better person than those of the capitol, because I write about it, because I'm recognizing it... right?

What can I do? How can I change what I am, what is acceptable. What is really bad that I see as good... how can I change my perception and no longer be a capitol citizen?
I can watch the minature earth youtube video (http://youtu.be/drSDhlnm0e0) over and over and over, and still I have no idea how to change me. If I can change me maybe I can really make a difference. Maybe I will do something. Maybe something will get better for someone else. Maybe.
I wrote this poem today after obsessing about this idea.
So here it is for all the world to share:

On the edge of what once was
No one thing is the same
Taking a plunge to be free

To the edge of what will be
Seeking the expected
No wings there to guide me

Every choice and every chance
has mercies evil glance
Life just a false romance
can we really even dance

To the brink of what is
Its familiar now
Shackled just trying to be

Every choice and every chance
has mercies evil glance
Life just a false romance
can we really even dance

Trust in life

Delayed post. Just updating!

So its almost my birthday. Another year passing always makes me feel the need to look back on life events.

Needless to say looking back always makes me think of what I want or what I hoped would be.



Nothing really looks like I wanted it to. All the things I had hoped for myself, are not even a whisper of reality. Its a bit frustrating to think I can plan my life. Every time I take the wheel, I lead myself straight into a ditch. Its hard to accept that I am not in charge of Gods will and plans for my life. Yes.. my current thoughts are "Dear God.. I want it this way.. or Else.. please.."

or Else what, right? Or else I will feel even worse about being so off. If what I want doesn't ever occur, than am I really in tune with God? If I am asking for all the wrong things.. how do I even begin asking for the right things, when I have no idea that what I want isn't really all that great .. because what Gods design is, and what he decides to give me is really better than anything I can fathom.



Gods plan is great. I need to trust him more. Its often hard given the circumstances my family is in, and the circumstances I have found myself in as well, make me question Gods greater plan.



Trust is hard for me. Faith always is a big scarey idea for me and crossing over into trusting God completely always seems strange to me.

All this questioning has led me to writing little notes on my mirrors and hands.. all with the same general idea, trust God. Yesterday I woke up, and decided I didn't want to trust God. I was irritated at how everything keeps going south in life.. so I scrubbed off the Trust God that was written on my palm and proceeded to go out the rest of my day ignoring God.

The thing with ignoring God, it doesn't really work, because God doesn't ignore us.. so it really was a silly attempt on my behalf, but i wanted God to see how frustrated I was. And when I am frustrated with someone I ignore them, and just like any relationship, I thought ignoring God would "show him". As the day progressed, it was easy enough to shut his voice out. To not pay attention to feeling loved by God. I went to the Gym and complained to my friend Jenny about how I needed a new sports bra. I didn't really want to get one because it seemed like a waste in my funds.

Then later in the evening I went for a run with my friend Jenn Getty. At some point during our time together she asked me if I could use a sports bra, because she had a brand new one that she couldn't use.

Needless to say.. later that evening when I decided to stop ignoring God, I started to cry. God does love me and his plan is good. I should trust him with all the big things in my life, because he is capable with my wants and needs. He gave me something small something really trivial, he showed me he loved me and that I should trust him by getting me a bra.



So this incident made me think back. It reminded me of how God really has set up my life to give me the best, he prepared me for hard times and good times. He gave me a great community, a great church, a great family. He planned the best for me. Now if only I could accept that and remember that everyday.



And a shout out to God: thanks you God for not ignoring me even when I want to ignore you.



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