Wanted : life partner

I wrote this on Sunday just thought I’d share this journal entry:

Lately I have felt slightly alone. Wishing I had my own special someone. I have a running add in my head, kind of like a personal add. I guess my loneliness got to me when I saw Jen and Greg get married. They got married almost 5 years to the date after I did. And now I am not married. It was a bit disheartening for me. I wanted a companion, and now I am one of the few single people I know. Over the weekend I was reminded of God’s love for me, of his fight, and pursuit. I often say if I remarry or date, the guy I date will have to pursue me to no end. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that my companion is God. He is my partner, my helper, my confidant.

I haven't been a believer for very long, in my opinion I am still a toddler Christian... or a small child. I've believed for 7 years. I know I was still young when I discovered Gods love for me; however I will say it wasn't made easy. I denied and refused God very often. I would make excuses for the gifts he gave me and refute the possibilities of a God who loved me. I would argue against him. In every argument I had, I now find that those arguments are for him. I didn't see that then. It is so silly to me that one goes around denying the very existence of God.
When I was 17 I would have been so disappointed in my 26 year old self, but my 26 year old self sees how I needed God to pursue me in order to love him the way I do today. I got to find God all on my own. People pushed me, I'd push back. God knew me so well; he knew I loved a challenge. I took world religion classes, history courses at college, all to be able to fight the waves of Christians that bombarded me on a weekly basis. God knew that I was a seeker; he knew just how to draw me in. He found the right people to surround me with. He surrounded me with a very zealous group of Christians. They would challenge me, and I would challenge back. God sat back slowly waiting for me. I believed that most the Christians I encountered were brain washed sheep. He let me know I could do it on my own, with my own free will, and still be me, while loving him.

I find it funny to think back to how he won me over, the man at the gas station, the movie a walk to remember, and music. Most of all music, he broke me through music.
I've always loved the acoustic sound, and when I was 15 I had a theme song that I would play over and over on my CD player. My friend Cheryl gave me the CD. She didn't know who the artist was, and neither did I, but I loved that song. After a weekend trip to ocean shores, I ruined my CD, much to my dismay I could never find that song again. Saturday I was watching a movie with Nevaeh, and that song was in the back ground. I looked it up amazed at how beautiful I thought it still was. It was called let that be enough by Switchfoot.

I found this highly amusing. Switchfoot was the first Christian music band I liked, I fell in love with their music on the sountrack for a walk to remember, and was highly discouraged when I found out they were a Christian band. BUT I still bought their CD. Switchfoots music in some ways helped me to discover that I really did love God. And now that I know that song was by them, I see how enduring Gods pursuit of me was. I had wanted to find that song recently, but couldn't remember enough lyrics to look it up. After many years, God got my attention and reminded me that he was my partner, through a Kids movie. It was a nice surprise. I cried. I may try to run from his love often, but I can’t. I can’t escape it. I am so grateful, he is a pursuer and that he doesn’t give up.


God is my perfect companion. I don't need anything else.

Let That Be Enough Lyrics By Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Visual Purple

Visual purple, I say these words to my little sister Sarah, and she looked at me confused. What is visual purple...? Did you make that up, you must have, she says to me. I explain to her its the idea that it takes time for our eyes to see at night.

Def :
Rhodopsin, also known as visual purple, is a pigment of the retina that is responsible for both the formation of the photoreceptor cells and the first events in the perception of light. Rhodopsins belong to the G-protein coupled receptor family and are extremely sensitive to light, enabling vision in low-light conditions. Exposed to light, the pigment immediately photobleaches, and it takes about 30 minutes to regenerate fully in humans.

After explaining to Sarah what visual purple was, she looked at me still confused, and said well explain your whole theory again.. the one you have that says life recently is like visual purple.

So I thought it would be fun to write out my feelings on life right now, and see how clearly I can make my new concept seem to myself, Sarah, and anyone else who may read this.
I've found it hard to adjust to the season I am in. I have had a tendency lately to feel sorry for myself. Which is a normal human inclination, I know. But God doesn't want me that way. Even if my life seems hard to me, in comparison to the rest of the world, I am seriously lucky. I have a vehicle, running/ clean water, electricity, grocery stores just a mile away that carry fresh produce and food, and I have quick access to medical attention. I am amazingly blessed. Yet I still find that adjusting to this new season of life is hard.
In the past two years I have seen a lot of hardships, economic downfalls, and people losing their homes, their marriages, and many other losses. I have also been blessed enough to see new marriages and new life be brought into this world. All this change that has occurred is amazing. It takes some adjusting to.

Some people have said to me that my current circumstances are just a temporary season. This may or may not be true. For the most part even if it wasn't true, life is just a season and when God calls me home all the stress will be over, end of season. My friend Monica brought up in my women’s group, what she heard at a leadership summit. She said the leader had a profound thought, and something she hadn’t really considered, he said “what if the economic hardships of America are not just a passing season. What if this is how it is”. Monica said something that has been spinning in my head for the past few days, “no matter what the season we find ourselves in we should always help one another”. There is always going to be someone better off than us and someone worse off than us. No matter our situation we should find a way to reflect God, and find away to help one another. If not financially, we should feel compelled to help in some way or another.
My visual purple for life is taking its time. Just like with my eyes, I have to be in the dark for a half hour to actually attain the ability to see well at night, maybe God wants me in this hard spot so I can see how to make my life, and others lives, better. Making it better doesn't mean having more things. It’s an attitude, an adjustment. So life is like the process of visual purple, I realize now the need to be in the dark in order to see the light. It’s a simple truth that I have found, the light is always there.

Divorce isn't for dummies

July 2nd, tomorrow, marks the year anniversary of my Divorce to Shawn. Its crazy, because I still remember the day we got married, it seemed as close to me as yesterday. It was only an hour ago that I filed for separation, and a moment ago that I sat in the court room as the judge told me my marriage was now dissolved. It’s a very surreal feeling.

I don’t know exactly what I should be feeling today. Shawn and I have been apart for over two years, yet, some sadness about what happened still lingers inside my soul.

What exactly is divorce? Is it what the dictionary says? Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons.

Why do people get divorced, or do such awful things to one another, that divorce is the only sanctuary? Why is Divorce a rampant disease in the US. In general the US makes up for just under 5% of the world’s population. Our culture has somehow decided that divorce is an out dated old fashioned ridiculous notion. 68% of marriages end in divorce. Somehow we have taught our people that quick fixes, instant gratification is better than any long term goal. With this in mind, did we ever stop to think that since we told ourselves our first marriage was doomed to fail, because more than half of marriages do.. so its ok to be divorced and move on.. and then do we realize that with this thought process it makes statistics on 2nd and 3rd marriages even more viable. Second marriages at about 60% and marriages after that are at about a 75% divorce rate. It’s a silly notion to me. Why get married if we don’t want to try. I think some marriages should end. But not all marriages, and I very much doubt that 60 % of our marriages are all ‘bad’ marriages. Not all couples have an unfaithful partner, or an abusive partner. Why don’t we believe in being faithful? Being in a relationship, one that can last, and one that is good, is hard work. Why are we afraid of a little pain, sweat, and hard work? As a culture are we lazy? What is our culture, and what does it represent? What does it look like to the other 95% of the world?

With our country representing a very small population with the second highest divorce rate in the world, what about some of the largest populations, are they as likely to divorce? No. They are not. India is the second largest country, population wise, in the world. India holds 17% of the world’s population and only about 1% of people get divorced. WHY? If divorce really reflects the reality of the world, and that the idea of divorce is out dated, does this mean the US not living in reality? I looked into the views Indians seemed to carry, and generally I would say Indians have a fairly practical view of marriage. Most of their society is based on a tolerance for different belief structures and the recognition that no one really gets along at all times. Overall this would result in a more positive outlook on marriage. Also, gender roles seem to be more clearly defined there. This results in less conflict on a day to day basis.

Maybe it’s the laws of divorce. Maybe our lawmakers have made it easier for us. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted. There are many types of divorce, No-fault, fault, mediated, collaborative, and uncontested. 49 out of 50 states in United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws, with grounds for divorce including incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require such proof of fault. In the United States, only New York State still requires fault for a divorce. With only one state having a fault based divorced, this makes for a lax set of regulations. We can get divorced because we got bored, because we got lazy.

I’ve also seen women blamed for the rising rate of divorce. In countries where women have a lot of rights, the divorce rate is higher. But perhaps in countries that aren't divorcing, that have smaller divorce rates, perhaps those people aren't happy, or were forced to marry?
Should marriage even be about happiness?

Do we really believe it’s someone else's job to make us happy? If they don’t, we divorce them, and move onto the next person to make us happy? No one will ever make us happy. Happiness is a daily choice. It happens with in ourselves, not outside of ourselves.

Maybe I shouldn’t be asking why we divorce or what causes divorce. Perhaps I should be asking, the why of why are we marrying? Maybe if we knew more about ourselves, about how hard relationships were, we would marry less, but also divorce less. Again I ponder is marriage out dated. I don’t think it is. If marriage was out dated, people wouldn’t have the desire to have a mate, or partner. We all desire partnering up, having fellowship, some of us have friends for life, so why can’t we have a mate for life? I believe marriage is good and should be done for all the right reasons, not all of the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t for dummies, or for lazy people, it’s a lifelong effort.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I got divorced. I went into the idea with a heavy heart. I feel the day I got my decree stamped, that God lost a war. But I also felt free. Free from the lies my Ex fed me. If I would have stayed married, I’d still be separated. My ex didn’t have a faithful heart. I have a jealous heart. I can’t share my spouse. I was greedy for him, and because of this, I had to leave. He was never greedy for me. I needed him to be faithful, loving, and greedy in his love for me. We needed to be free from the hurt that we caused one another. Free to find the truth about what a good relationship should be. I hope and pray that when I remarry, my next partner feels the way I do about marriage. That it’s hard. That you have to be there for one another, and that you never leave a partner behind.

Inspired -Waiting and Seeing

What inspired my blog below was a wonderful song called Wait and see by Brandon Heath.

The following are the lyrics, Enjoy!

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth

Chorus

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Chorus

Its getting Hotter, or is that everyone else?

This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown.

The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.

I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.

But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.

World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?

If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.

I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.