Going through the EMOtions

A good majority of my younger days I spent time dwelling in my sorrow. I loved sorrowful books, poems, and things that helped me feel like crying was normal. My favorite saying is one of sadness. It comes from the book the joy luck club and is how I got the name for this blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola. I always found it an untrue statement for myself, but one that amused me. I consider myself a person who does like to dwell in the sorrow, and drink it up, but since I love Coca cola so much and drink it so often, I just never thought it could be possible to swallow more sorrow than the coca cola I drank. I felt it was important to know my emotions. If I really felt through my circumstances I would understand me better.

In my recent days, or this past two years, I've turned off my emotions. I felt I had to many to deal with. Its too hard to feel everything. So much sorrow I had to swallow and digest, so much more than coca cola at that time, so much anger, confusion, fear, and at the same time the joy of being a mother and having wonder friends and family. With so much emotion coming at me, I started to avoid it. What I once enjoyed swimming in, the way I used to know myself, and understand my life, I started avoiding. Not only did I avoid my emotions, I strayed away from sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I became less and less myself.



If a bad memory or stressful situation has come across my table, I look at it and ignore it. I turn off the parts of me that have to feel it. I shut down. I feel I have been gone for the past two years. I have slowly been resurfacing. With me slowly returning, I could still try to avoid some emotions. However events have happened that have forced me to confront my situation. To force me to confront and deal with my emotions. I decided last night to let myself cry. To embrace the suckyness along side the goodness.

I have to accept that my husband abandoned me.
I have to accept that I am now a single mother.
I learned to accept that I need to reach to God for companionship always first and foremost
I accept that my life is a giant teeter totter lead by God.
I accept that I need to be ok with feeling sad,
and I also need to remember that I should never swallow more sorrow than coke, I need to find the joy in between.

I have been blessed iin my life. I realize just how lucky I really am. I am in my book one of the luckiest people I know. Even with this said, I accept that I am allowed to feel the sting of sadness. I think God knew I was prone to weepiness, prone to sorrow, and he bested me with some really good armor. Lately I reckognize this armor in the form of my bestest friend Jenny. She may be a bit of an emo wreck as well, but she embraces it. She rocks the emotion. Then lets it go and sees how truely shiny and happy everything can be. The potential for good in her world is that of an innocent child. I have never felt this way about life, I have always seen the potential for bad and worse, and I know that God gifted me her, so I could be shown the potential GOD wants seen.





Here is a poem that is an evolution from an old poem I wrote about pain

Its called Pain

Often I wonder about pain
How it causes weakness to form in the heart
Curiously I cry pondering the possibilities
Can I wear a mask to hide that which obviously deforms me
With no resolution I slowly become all that is sadness
I wonder what why I was doomed to feel so much
For what reasons why I valiantly protect my anguish
Is it because I am corrupt with in my very soul
Is my own mind so chaotic, so troubled
That I must hide it away from everyone including myself
Why must I always react in a way that ignores my essence
Does it truly matter that there are defects that can be seen
This moment I was made to be full of sorrow
Perhaps next time it will be full of joy
Accepting this ache is all I feel convicted to do
No longer will I allow the mask of pain to wear me

Nevaeh

My lil girl is almost Two and a half years old. She will be officially so in 18 or so days. It is amazing how fast time goes. It was just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant, and a moment ago when she was born. I know that in a blink of an eye she will be grown up.

Nevaeh is one of a kind. It is obvious to me that she is going to grow up to be a lion, she bosses everyone around, and is a serious control freak. She often tells people no, and goes about her business in a very deliberate fashion.

I thought it would be fun to share her insanities with the world. Or better put, her strange behaviors.

Any insect or arachnid, except for a fly, is called a spidermans

She is most afraid of a fly, when she sees one she runs and screams.. fi.. fi.. fi.. fi...

Soda is called popcorn

She loves to sing strange songs, just yesterday sge made up a song, with the words, I see the moon moon , I love you moon

She loves her jersie and bosses her around all the time

She hates being in her car seat, she fights to get out of it the entire time shes in it

Her favorite show is Dora the explorer

She likes to talk to me on the phone when I am gone, she plays the I love you more game with me. We yell I love you more, then finally I say I love you equally and she says I love you icky.

Shes so independent now that she has to pick her own outfits, if I want her to wear something I have to convince her that its amazing.

She recognizes people in pictures, even people she doesn't see that often. My best friend Krystal hasn't seen neve for over two months now and Neve saw a picture of her today and said ook mommy kysta. She call karissa 'kissa' and always calls Tannan 'tannan micheal'. She even recognizes peoples cars. At church she pointed to Jennys car, and at that moment I was unaware that she could even do that.

I am lucky because of this independence. She loves to do what I do, and do it by herself. She wants to sweep, clean up floors, do laundry, and take care of me when I don't feel very good.

Its strange to me that my little princess was born so huge. She was a giant newborn, and now is a petite two year old.

She is the most amazing little person I have ever known. I am blessed to be her mother.

its a matter of time

Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense? Like everything you do is just a battle that is going to be lost anyways.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.

We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.

We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.


We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.

Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.

So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.

In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.

The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.

Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.

Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.

I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?

It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.

I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.

veg... going... going.. gone

Last month before I turned the big 26, I found myself in an old pattern, Vegetarianism. Over the last few months I bought vegetarian meats to cook for myself, but when I was with other people, I would still eat meat. My slow transition back into vegetarianism, is probably one many people could have seen coming. By the time February rolled around, it was getting harder and harder to continue to be a meat eater.

When I was 12 I became a vegetarian. I remained this way until I became pregnant with my daughter Nevaeh. At the request of my then husband and OBGYN I started to eat meat. I had been a vegetarian for nearly 12 years. I was always a very sensitive and picky eater. I remember the last day I ate fish, I was 5, and had just figured out what fish sticks were. Same with anything else that lived underwater. By the time I was 12 my mother let me have my way and allowed me to be picky.

I am not a vegetarian for health reasons, even though it would be nice to say I was. I am because I can hardly stand the thought of eating an animal. It saddens me. I can't stand the thought of killing another creature, one that can feel, just to feed me. There are so many other types of food sources available, it just doesn't seem necessary to me. I am not saying I am against farming, well I am against big farms, but small farms are ok. I am not against other people eating meat, I am just saying it truely isn't for me.

Alot of people do not understand this. With in christianity, I get the typical, well God allows for it BS. My reply is he also calls for good stewardship of our animals and mass farming isn't good stewardship at all. God also created other food sources, thus I don't think he really cares if I am a vegetarian or not. Other people who dont understand just dont understand why I care so much for the animal. I just do. I over think everything. Its almost impossible to turn off my ever spinning brain.

Anyways... I have officially gone back to my ways. And honestly its difficult to not go full board this time, to go vegan. However, I can't give up cheese, and even if rice cheese could satisfy my love for regular cheese, I could never give up honey, and to be an official vegan you can't even eat honey!

Ghosts of Birthdays Past

I was born on February 19th, 1983, sometime in the early morning. My mother was just sixteen at the time, but she birthed me out on her eldest brothers birthday. My uncle Maury and I are 21 years apart. Growing up, it was the best thing I believed could happen to me. Sharing my birthday with a beloved Uncle.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.