So its been a while since my last post. I have alot on the brain and for some reason or another can not get it out in any meaningful or comprehensive way. **SIGH**
Well for those of you who don't know, tomorrow I am going in to take a civil service examination. Its basically a psychological examination of my thinking and its to see if I can think enough like a police officer is supposed to. I am excited. Not afraid or nervous yet.
I went out and got the perfect skirt to wear to look all professional. I've practiced how to wear my hair in order to look 'copish' and tried to practice a confident demenor as I know our presentations will also be graded tomorrow.
If I pass this exam I go on to do a physical agility test. Which training for sucks. I can't do a 300 meter sprint in under a minute followed by 30 something pushups in 60 seconds and then follow it with 40 situps in the next 60 seconds and then a 1.5 mile run in 14 minutes. ALL CONSECUTIVELY. My body aches just practicing. I am sore all the time and not getting much faster or stronger.
FRUSTERATING. I want to be a police woman... just not a woman in pain all the time!
In the mean time I am also attempting to enroll at city u. To finish my psych degree. I am unsure about this. Its gonna cost me 30K to finish. Thats a lot of money just so I can do it all online.
ARGH if only life decisions were easy!
So the only happy thoughts I have to look forward to is the fact that I am going to twilight with my sisters and my BFF Jenny on Friday morning at 12:01! WOOT. !
So maybe after Twilight has left the system.. my thoughts will be clearer... less corupted by edward. Jacob.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Let the Earth Quake
This is similar to my last post. I've been going through a lot lately. With business being slow, and the world being an expensive place, I've felt really low. I was loosing faith, and questioning my Gods will. I feel like I've been through enough. I asked... can't it be 'easier'?
Lets start with the things I know. The things that are true.
I am lucky. I was born in a free nation. A nation of plenty. I've not ever had to need or want for any of my basic needs to be met. God is a GOOD God.
Now for what I've been dealing with. I don't know why I doubt God. My thoughts can be my worst enemy. That is where I fall. I may know that GOD is good. But I start to question it. I start to think of all the things I have learned. Anthropology, history, all the ways in which humans create a need for GOD. All the ways in which GOD hasn't proven himself in human history or in my own life. I feel frustrated that I even do this. I am mad, because its all untrue. I know exactly how he changed my life. HOW he saved me. At the time certain events may have seemed so awful and felt terrible with no understanding of why why why... (much like how I feel right now).. but in the after math they make sense. There are events that still hurt and cause pain to think about, bu I see now that if they didn't happens other things would have never happened, other lives would have never been changed...
I truly trust God. I know he gave me free will. Its my own will that makes me falter. ITs me who pulls away. He knows I will to. He knew me before I was born, he knows how I will be what I will do. Its frustrating. I wish I was less prone to falter.
I know I am silly. But I have been struggling so much that when I prayed... I said GOD just tell me what to do.
And here it was. I turned on the radio...
"Our Hope Endures"
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?
But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?
But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope
But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
ITs amazing how God works. Even with a difficult circumstance. I need to have a hope that is unchanged. I need to not waver, even in my own thoughts.
Its a process getting it right. Not one of us is perfect. We are just supposed to try.
Lets start with the things I know. The things that are true.
I am lucky. I was born in a free nation. A nation of plenty. I've not ever had to need or want for any of my basic needs to be met. God is a GOOD God.
Now for what I've been dealing with. I don't know why I doubt God. My thoughts can be my worst enemy. That is where I fall. I may know that GOD is good. But I start to question it. I start to think of all the things I have learned. Anthropology, history, all the ways in which humans create a need for GOD. All the ways in which GOD hasn't proven himself in human history or in my own life. I feel frustrated that I even do this. I am mad, because its all untrue. I know exactly how he changed my life. HOW he saved me. At the time certain events may have seemed so awful and felt terrible with no understanding of why why why... (much like how I feel right now).. but in the after math they make sense. There are events that still hurt and cause pain to think about, bu I see now that if they didn't happens other things would have never happened, other lives would have never been changed...
I truly trust God. I know he gave me free will. Its my own will that makes me falter. ITs me who pulls away. He knows I will to. He knew me before I was born, he knows how I will be what I will do. Its frustrating. I wish I was less prone to falter.
I know I am silly. But I have been struggling so much that when I prayed... I said GOD just tell me what to do.
And here it was. I turned on the radio...
"Our Hope Endures"
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?
But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?
But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope
But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged
ITs amazing how God works. Even with a difficult circumstance. I need to have a hope that is unchanged. I need to not waver, even in my own thoughts.
Its a process getting it right. Not one of us is perfect. We are just supposed to try.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
What does it all mean
Just heading to bed... and couldn't get alot of junk out of my head.
So what does it mean to be Christian?
Am I less of a Lover of my Christ because I consider myself Democratic?
Am I non christian because I survived a Divorce?
Does God love me less because I he allows me to struggle?
Pain. Suffering. Heart ache. Money problems. Hunger. Loss of a loved one.
Why is it allowed?
I don't know why. But In a world that became corrupt so many moons ago... Its amazing still how Gods love heals all of those things.
He brings life, healing, restoration, blessings, and so much much more.
I keep praying for Gods love to wash over me to encourage me.
It hasn't happened yet. But I have no doubt that at any moment...
He'll be there... doing what he does best.. Getting me through this most difficult of moments
So what does it mean to be Christian?
Am I less of a Lover of my Christ because I consider myself Democratic?
Am I non christian because I survived a Divorce?
Does God love me less because I he allows me to struggle?
Pain. Suffering. Heart ache. Money problems. Hunger. Loss of a loved one.
Why is it allowed?
I don't know why. But In a world that became corrupt so many moons ago... Its amazing still how Gods love heals all of those things.
He brings life, healing, restoration, blessings, and so much much more.
I keep praying for Gods love to wash over me to encourage me.
It hasn't happened yet. But I have no doubt that at any moment...
He'll be there... doing what he does best.. Getting me through this most difficult of moments
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Comparing the great D to now
So here we are in the midst of an all out economic crisis. We could have seen it coming. We should have. God gives us rules to follow. To help one another, to not have more than we need, to learn from the historical mistakes of others.... we didn't.
So here is my comparison and contrast. I would love to have peoples feed back, opinions, etc. So feel free to reply to the following.
The 1929 Crash began in October. (creepy eh.. end of September early October now.. .and we are falling). It started because investors saw the value of their stocks fall, so they sold their stocks. Making the stock market continue to dwindle . Thats is exactly what we see happening now. It took 3 full years for the lowest point of the crash, but if nothing is done, we are well on our way to a similar situation.
Now I am not saying a crash in the stock market will cause a great depression again, and nor am I saying it did before. There are alot of factors that took place in the 1920's that are similar to today. We have very little buisness activity. We primarily buy our goods overseas. Prices are sky rocketing, and yet the value of an object is dwindling.
We have to realize no all americasn share the same wealth as some of us do. Most families have very little to no savings at all. No health insurance, thus costly medical bills, most people can't afford the goods in the average market so they go into debt in order to keep up with the status quo.
We don't produce many of our own crops or even goods and services any more. Many of our cars, cattle, food, clothes, jewelry, food ware, etc, are from a foreign country. Thus taking money out of our economy. I am not saying that world wide exchange was bad, but we relied to heavily on it.
In the 1930s overproduction was another casue of teh fall. Buissinessses produced more goods than people could buy thus had to close when their costs came crashing down on them. Todays era stores, car lots, have purchased bulk items for the American people, what happens when we are all to afraid to go out and spend? People loose their jobs!
In the 1930's when banks failed many people were in heavy debt with no way out. SOUND FAMILIAR? People lost their savings, retirement funds dwindled, and the people lost their confidence in the economy. Buisness also lost confindence and started laying off workers, thus more workers lost their jobs, less bills were being paid, thus more banks failed. Do you see how one thing effects another here? Do we even understand how similar our circumstances are right now to the Great depression of the 1930's?
The frightening things that happened during the 1930s like banks immediately foreclosing on homes when people fell behind thus people lived in shelters or cars, could easily happen now.
At the time of the 1930's President Hoover didn't believe that the fedral government should step in to help the people. (THE ONE GOOD thing I will say about Bush is atleast he beleives they should). Hoover eventually realized he had to do something and created new jobs and proviced relief and aid for the unemployed.
These are scarey times. If you don't know what could happen look up the great depression. Look up what people had to do to surrvive. they lived in horrible circumstances and ate from soup kitchens once per day.
If we as a people deem some CEO worth 19 million dollars , and the rest of us worthy to live in a cardboard box, there is something wrong.! We need to take a stand. Start supporting one another. Stop being Greedy.. AND I don't know.. Live the way God calls us to perhaps?
So here is my comparison and contrast. I would love to have peoples feed back, opinions, etc. So feel free to reply to the following.
The 1929 Crash began in October. (creepy eh.. end of September early October now.. .and we are falling). It started because investors saw the value of their stocks fall, so they sold their stocks. Making the stock market continue to dwindle . Thats is exactly what we see happening now. It took 3 full years for the lowest point of the crash, but if nothing is done, we are well on our way to a similar situation.
Now I am not saying a crash in the stock market will cause a great depression again, and nor am I saying it did before. There are alot of factors that took place in the 1920's that are similar to today. We have very little buisness activity. We primarily buy our goods overseas. Prices are sky rocketing, and yet the value of an object is dwindling.
We have to realize no all americasn share the same wealth as some of us do. Most families have very little to no savings at all. No health insurance, thus costly medical bills, most people can't afford the goods in the average market so they go into debt in order to keep up with the status quo.
We don't produce many of our own crops or even goods and services any more. Many of our cars, cattle, food, clothes, jewelry, food ware, etc, are from a foreign country. Thus taking money out of our economy. I am not saying that world wide exchange was bad, but we relied to heavily on it.
In the 1930s overproduction was another casue of teh fall. Buissinessses produced more goods than people could buy thus had to close when their costs came crashing down on them. Todays era stores, car lots, have purchased bulk items for the American people, what happens when we are all to afraid to go out and spend? People loose their jobs!
In the 1930's when banks failed many people were in heavy debt with no way out. SOUND FAMILIAR? People lost their savings, retirement funds dwindled, and the people lost their confidence in the economy. Buisness also lost confindence and started laying off workers, thus more workers lost their jobs, less bills were being paid, thus more banks failed. Do you see how one thing effects another here? Do we even understand how similar our circumstances are right now to the Great depression of the 1930's?
The frightening things that happened during the 1930s like banks immediately foreclosing on homes when people fell behind thus people lived in shelters or cars, could easily happen now.
At the time of the 1930's President Hoover didn't believe that the fedral government should step in to help the people. (THE ONE GOOD thing I will say about Bush is atleast he beleives they should). Hoover eventually realized he had to do something and created new jobs and proviced relief and aid for the unemployed.
These are scarey times. If you don't know what could happen look up the great depression. Look up what people had to do to surrvive. they lived in horrible circumstances and ate from soup kitchens once per day.
If we as a people deem some CEO worth 19 million dollars , and the rest of us worthy to live in a cardboard box, there is something wrong.! We need to take a stand. Start supporting one another. Stop being Greedy.. AND I don't know.. Live the way God calls us to perhaps?
Friday, September 26, 2008
not alone
Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I miss having the type of companionship a husband, even a sucky one, can offer. I don’t miss my ex-spouse, but I do miss certain elements. I miss being touched, having someone to help me at night with my baby, and mostly just having someone to talk to about my most random of thoughts.
I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.
So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.
Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.
So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.
I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.
I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.
So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.
Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.
So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.
I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.
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