not alone

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I miss having the type of companionship a husband, even a sucky one, can offer. I don’t miss my ex-spouse, but I do miss certain elements. I miss being touched, having someone to help me at night with my baby, and mostly just having someone to talk to about my most random of thoughts.


I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.

So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.

Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.

So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.

I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.

Mind your own P's and Q's

Yesterday I was at the Grocery store grabbing some items. While I was there I saw a woman leaving the store, she was crying. I, being in my own little world, minding my own space, looked the other way. However a little boy, maybe not so little, about 11 or 12, ran over to her and started to ask her why she was crying. His mother, mortified, snatched his arm and pulled him away, and said to her son "mind your own P's and Q's. Its not your problem or you buisness"

After this scenario, I sat there STUNNED. I was like that mother, wanting to leave that woman alone. I had learned to not be authentic to not be real. That womans son hadn't learned that yet. He was concerned, as should I have been and everyone else.

We tend to go about the world in our own little Bubbles. Minding our own buisness. Why do we do this? I dont really have an answer, other than to say we are selfish beings, but also because we are taught its wrong to be involved. I know that sounds like a contradiction to the many political campaigns and other commercials we hear.. They say DO something, get involved, make a difference... yet when we do we are more often than not shut down.

Let me explain. When I was married, the family I was married into was emotionally and spirtually unhealthy. They would wrong me and I would cease to trust them. I would be called unforgiving, but I had forgiven them. I just didn't want to let them belittle me again. I wanted to see a quality change in their lives, I would say.. something like "in order for you to get X you have to show me Y" thus I would be deemed judgemental. I was deemed judgemental because I wanted to improve their life. Thus I became afraid of being involved with them or telling them my thoughts, and more and more afraid to stick up for my thoughts outside of my family life.

I notice these type of things in alot of situations. When a person sticks up for what they beleive and what they saw Jesus stick up for they are deemed Judgemental. Its almost as if we aren't allowed to hold anyone accountable for fear of the stigma that we are 'Judgemental'. So if doing something means we are judgmental.. then doing nothing and ignoring a problem in my eyes makes you a lemming.. FOLLOWING one after the other and jumping to your doom.

I argue to say then being 'Judgemental' is far better than being a lemming. That woman in the store was crying. Who knows why. I didn't bother to ask. I should have. Even if it was her fault she was crying. Maybe she lives with a man who keeps emotionally abusing her. She could leave. I could have lovingly said you know you need to leave, if you dont he will keep abusing you and you are enabling his actions thus equally at fault at this point for allowing yourself to be abused. She might say I was judging her. But judging and accountablity are so close. I am not talking about bad judgements here.. like I see a dirty man on the streets.. who looks like a Bum and I instantly think BUM, Alcholic, etc.. thats a bad judgement.. one not even based in truth. I am talking about the judgementalism that gets us involved.

IF we see a bad situation we need to get involved. We see a woman crying. We should attempt to see if she needs something we can offer. We may only be able to offer a hug.. but shouldn't we try? Why should we not get involved. Why is it ok to not get involved? If we see someone getting beat to death. Its not a judgement to say that this situation is wrong. We are enabling the beaters and beating the victim if we watch or even if we walk away and ignore. To sit there while someone is being beat and do nothing is wrong.

I can't always mind my own P's and Q's. Nor should I. I don't care if I seem Judgemental any longer. I don't care if my caring drives away people. Because the only people I am driving away will one day need someone to care.. someone to JUDGE the situation they are in, hold them accountable, help them, and NOT enable them. So if you see someone in need of help don't be afraid of what could happen of being judged or judging. God calls us to hold up our brothers and sisters. To not let them fall. He calls us to sin no more. Doing nothing is a Sin. Standing idly by is a SIN.

follow this

I just read the most intriguing blog I suggest you all go check it out at http://brokentelegraph.com/
the latest blog entry is about the dangers of being nice and not good.

I have never really thought about this before. Nice versus Good. To me the seemed virtually the same. But my eyes were opened. Truths were spoken to me.

Nice is sugar coating an event or ignoring one all together, Good is being honest and loveing and speaking truth even if it means hurting someones feelings.

My life is full of nice people. We go about our ways in a very nice manner. We don't invade peoples space, we don't confront anyone who doesn't ask for help, and we don't question someones motives even if they appear nice. I am one of these nice people in my own life. I see things and do things that take away my own character and the character of others. I am nice so that I don't have to be uncomfortable or so that Ie do not have to make anyone else uncomfortable. I don't fight for the things I should.


I don't want this anymore. I want myself to be strong. To be good. I want to speak the truth in love, I no longer want to be fearful of making someone uncomfortable or even myself for that matter.

Sigh. There are so many areas in my thinking that are changing. So many matters of my heart are dissappearing and then new ones, ones that are truely relevant are appearing. God is changing me. Change. My heart is changing, my soul is changing. God is working so hard on me. Hes forming me and YES I am fearful. He asks alot and it is frightening to do something I don't feel I can do! HOWEVER I trust his work. I trust him and I KNOW I am not alone... SO I am getting over my fears and opening up my eyes to his workings in my soul.!

Am

so I have been scoping at other peoples blogs and seeing what other people rant about.

I came across a young girls blog (http://the-in-between-girl.blogspot.com/) and she made a super cool collage on her blog to show an outfit she wanted to wear.

So I made one to show in some way or another who I am

What do you deserve?

Ask yourself.. what is it you deserve? Do you deserve the current situation you are in? Yes the choices we make land us in some crazy messes, but other peoples choices effect us as well. If your parents are drug addicts and homeless you and you are too.. was it your choice? Do you deserve that? If your born into a rich family and you do nothing with your life but spend, do you deserve that? If you are born in Africa and starve to death, did you deserve that?

I ask this because it is a serious issue in many peoples hearts and thoughts. Many people believe we deserve the situation we are in.. poor earned the right to be poor and rich the right to be wealthy.
If you are born in another country, one that women are not allowed to pursue an education, do you desrerve that?

We are taugth from the moment we come out to pursue the job that makes us happy, yet makes us money. So if I truely pursued the job I wanted, I'd be one broke woman. I love to study and talk Egypt. There is no money in this. Some jobs by nature make more money, ie doctors, but not everyone can be a doctor. We need Cops, we need nurses, we need janitors, we need garbage men. Yet if we are not Doctors and garbage men instead we make just 1/10th the amount they do. We have chosen to be poor.

What I don't understand is why we label one job more important than another. Why we put a price on a job. A police mans job is highly important. S/He protects the road, my home, and my family. When I am in danger s/he puts their life on the line for me. Yet his max average pay is $85,000 per year. Even with an education. The doctor saves lives. He works long hours and endures stress. His max pay is almost undefinable, but rarely over 2 mil a year. Both these jobs are important. We need both of these jobs. So why is one deemed worth more than the other?

I don't believe anyone deserves more than another. Yes we make choices. But what we do for a living and what we make financially shouldn't mean we deserve to not eat or have health care or shelter over our heads.

Sigh. Jesus wanted us to be equal to care for one another. To share. His darn ideals were closer to socialism and communism. (NOW MY FELLOW READERS LOOK UP THESE IDEAOLOGIES AND THEIR DEFINITIONS B4 JUDGING ME. COMMUNISM IS A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT. YES PEOPLE ARE TO GREEDY.. BUT MAYBE SOME FORM COULD WORK. THE NEXT SOCIAL MOVEMENT SHOULD BE CALLED JESUSISM.)

So yet again, here I am frustrated at the worlds view point. Wanting to wash worldy thoughts from my brain, and think for the world not with it.