Pibbins

My little one, my sweet little girl, is almost Two. Its amazing how time flies. The moment she was born she amazed me. She came out 9 lbs and 3 oz. She had fat rolls on her fat rolls! Her chubbyness shocked me and still does. I remember a week before she was born my Doctor told me that he estimated her weight at just over 7 lbs. he was so wrong!

The way she came out set her pace for life. She will always amaze me. Lately the thing that has me being an overly proud mother is her language development. It has taken off over these last few weeks. She has always loved to coo, and chat, but nothing more than a word or two until recently. She is talking so much. Some of her blubberings even resemble sentences. I hit my head yesterday and she said "ow, mommy mommy okay?", then she kissed my head. Even though my head hurt, my heart soared with pride. My little girl is becoming a compassionate human being. One with her own thoughts and own concerns.

One of my favorite things she says lately is "my pibbin". Pibbin is just her word for Blanket. She loves her blankets lately. She has 4 she drags around. She covers her dolls with one and then greedily covers herself with the others.. then throws them off of her and leaves them in random places, then screams for me to find them... "mommy MINE MINE Pibbin!".


While on the our way back from Eastern Washington this weekend, a fly landed on her 'pibbin', she freaked out and started to cry. The stupid fly then preceded to land on her making her scream and now any time she sees a fly she starts to cry... even if its a mile away. She hates insects all because one stupid fly landed on her special 'pibbin'.


Not only is she speaking amazingly well , and deathly afraid of insects, she is almost fully potty trained. She has no accidents during the day anymore! I am unsure how long it will be until she is trained thru the night, but I am very excited about the fact that she is now Day Trained!


Sigh. I am just a mother totally in love with her daughter!

Perfection

Its a matter of time. Before we all fail at something. Its so easy to be human. My question for everyone is.. is there ever a time were we dont fail? Jesus was perfect. 100% flawless. Was anyone even close? like 80% ? I can say for myself.. I fail alot. I find that I am in the 20ish% maybe under .. LOL.. category.

So Authenticity. Its my goal now. Being authentic. Real, assertive, and loving. Even if I get better at these things.. will I ever reach over 40%? or is this percent crap just retarded? It is. I know. We are either perfect, thus being God, or we are imperfect thus being Human. This is something I am coming to terms with. Being ok with an imperfect life.. and circumstances.. or atleast my ideas of perfect. Being ok with the fact that I am only Human. God forgives and infinitely loves me.. this is something I dont do this for myself. I don't always forgive myself... my expectations are that of the worlds.. and not of Gods. I know I need to be real.


I believe my attempts to change, to better myself, my spirituality, my life, etc. will not only make me a better friend (eventually) but will influence me to reach out more and more to my heavenly father.

I am hoping that my fastlessness will only encourage my search for the authentic self. To find the truth in the fact that imperfection makes me beautiful. That my human ways and attempts and successes to be better will bring a smile to my Creators face.. and that I can truly believe HE loves me. I am so grateful that God has forgiven me and that He infinitely Loves.


Forgiven

All the bad I've done
The cruelty I wished for
I ask it all to be undone
The lies and deceit
all the absurdity in this world
I pray it to be cleaned.
These moments in life
so few, unable to look back
I wish for it all to be forgiven
Stupid mistakes
or maybe just one
can it be forgotten
Loud and forever lost
what happened to my land of trees
Lord please bring the peace I need

That was a poem I wrote a few years ago.. when I was still searching to be 'perfect'... but what I find so interesting is that somehow even before I knew Gods love... I knew that the only way to find peace and 'perfection' was thru Gods forgiveness, thru being real.

Heavy Heart

So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.


I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.

I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.

Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.


So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.

I need GOD.

A Goal Of Fastlessness

So my Goal Starting August 14th is to not be :"FAST Less Ness" for 30 days. This means no fast food or shopping... ie.. starbucks, smoothies, subway, slurpees, chinese from safeway, and many other things that I love so much. I am also not going to purchase clothing, shoes, hair crap, or DVDs.. meaning for me no target or walmart.

The goal of my "Fast Less Ness" is to say to GOD.. Hey I love you more than I love me. So not getting a coffee ore a sub sandwhich for thirty days will be hard, but I think God is more important than my instant self gratification.

I am excited to do this, and scared to fail. So all of my friends I need your support!

Going Green In Truth

Now in my close circle of friends I am the hippy. I am the one who doesn't shower often enough, or shave frequently, and the one who says dont use that lotion or that deodarant.. it contains Aluminum. I get lovingly teased by my close friends for being this way. So as I become more aware of the products I am using, and after meeting my new BFF Maria, I have become dangerously interested in becoming "more Green".

What does this mean to me and how I encourage my circle of friends to become more bodily and earthily aware is a totally different process. Going green is difficult. Its expensive, hard to come by all the products you are after, and well some of the things are just really different and weird thus making it harder to buy.

After alot of research I have discovered disturbing things. So many things claim to be all natural .. a natural cure, natural hair product, soap, etc... but they too contain toxic chemicals! (SHOCKING I KNOW LOL :) )

I find that there are two groups of people, people who do it natural, or people who dont. If you do it natural you dont use normal medicines or eat normal foods. If you dont , YOU dont. Well there needs to be a nice happy medium. There are harms in being all natural, the possibilty of eating or injesting ecoli or the fact that any and all organic products simply mean they dont have to go thru regular FDA approval. Which is scarey to me.. its like drinking bottled water, the idea in many peoples head is its better than tap water. Not true, being bottled means it doesn't have to under go the same testing or doesn't have to be as clean as the water that comes thru the tap. Tap water is better.. just ask your neighboring geologist, enviromentalist, or biologist. Then the harms of being non natural such as the fact that we are developing an intlorance to medicines, and germs, thus super germs, and viruses are being created.

I think Green or not, what ever category you find your self in. The best way to be is: aware! Be aware if your product has harmful chemicals, if its safe for you or not. Green or not, its important to know what you are injesting or using.

I found a great article at http://www.greenyour.com/lifestyle/personal-care/deodorant that I recomend you all read. Its regarding the dangers of aluminum, but also the dangers of not knowing whats in your 'green' item.

I also lovingly found a list for all of you of products found in everyday body lotions, shampoos, underarm deodarants, etc... that are not so good for you and why.!


Here are the ingredients to be most wary of on labels, and why.
Coal-tar colors
So-called coal-tar chemicals are found in many "FD&C" or "D&C" colors used in makeup and hair dye.

Health Problem: Allergens and irritants, possible carcinogens

Safer Alternatives: Annatto, beta carotene, carmine, hematite, henna, iron oxides, titanium dioxide (nontoxic, but can cause lung irritation if inhaled as powder)

Lead
A brain- and nervous-system toxin as well as a known carcinogen and hormone disruptor, lead accumulates in the bones. It is found in lead acetate in hair dyes and makeup.

Phthalates
Used widely in fragrances, deodorants, nail polishes, hair products and lotions, the oily texture of phthalates acts like a moisturizer and helps lotions penetrate skin.
Health Problems: Various members of this family of chemical plasticizers have been found to produce cancer of the liver and birth defects in lab animals.

Dibutylphthalate (DBP) is of particular concern because documented exposures are high and its health effects are potentially very serious. In nail polish and mascara, DBP helps thin films stay flexible, reducing brittleness and cracking. Animal studies show that DBP causes birth defects and harm to male reproductive organs. Timing of exposure was critical: Harm was done to animals exposed in the womb or shortly after birth.

A 2002 Environmental Working Group (EWG) report found DBP in 37 nail products from 22 different companies

Alternatives: Phthalates often "hide" behind the term "fragrance;" choose products labeled "fragrance-free" or that are scented exclusively with pure botanical or essential oils. Phthalates are also present in, and can evaporate from, soft vinyl (PVC) toys, flooring and other products, which should be avoided.

Preservatives

Bronopol, often listed as 2-bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol, can contribute to the formation of cancer-causing nitrosamines, according to the FDA. It can also break down to produce formaldehyde


Formaldehyde, found in eye shadows, mascaras and other cosmetics, is "reasonably anticipated to be a human carcinogen," according to the National Toxicology Program's "Ninth Report on Carcinogens" (January 2001)**. The EPA classifies it as a probable human carcinogen.
In its liquid state, formaldehyde, present in the ingredients DMDM hydantoin, diazolidinyl urea imidazolidinyl urea and quaternium-15, can be absorbed through the skin and nails. As a volatile organic compound, or VOC, formaldehyde evaporates when the product is wet; levels drop sharply once it's dry. Consumer concern has led many manufacturers to remove it from their nail polishes.

Health Problems: Breathing formaldehyde fumes has been associated with many types of cancers, including those of the nose and throat. Levels of formaldehyde in air as low as 0.1 ppm (parts per million) can cause burning sensations in the eyes, nose and throat; nausea, coughing and wheezing.

Imidazolidinyl urea can trigger contact dermatitis in sensitive individuals.

Mercury: a tiny amount of this potent nervous-system toxin, which accumulates in the body, is allowed as a preservative in eye-area cosmetics.

The parabens: Methyl-, propyl-, ethyl- and butylparaben are the most common preservatives used in cosmetics.

Health Problems: Common allergens. Some recent research shows that parabens can mimic estrogen in rodents, making them potential hormone disruptors.
Quaternary ammonium compounds can irritate the skin and eyes. Quaternium-15 causes more dermatitis complaints than any other preservative, according to the American Academy of Dermatology.

Healthier Preservatives: Vitamins A (retinoic acid), C (ascorbic acid), E (tocopherol), citric acid, pycnogenol.

Surfactants -- Sudsing/Foaming Agents

Suds-making detergents, known as surfactants, in shampoos also promote absorption of the product by the skin.

Diethanolamine (DEA), widely used in shampoos, is a suspected carcinogen, and its compounds and derivatives include triethanolamine (TEA), which can be contaminated with nitrosamines -- compounds shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. Contamination is more likely if the product also contains Bronopol (see above).

Sodium laureth sulfate (SLES) and sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) are both irritants, says the Cosmetics Ingredient Review (CIR), a panel of cosmetics-industry experts established to safety-test ingredients (cir-safety.org). But the CIR reported that SLS also causes "severe epidermal changes" to mouse skin, a finding that "indicates a need for tumor-enhancing activity assays." This year, after review of over 250 existing SLS studies, the CIR concluded that SLS is not cancer-causing. However, Samuel Epstein, M.D., says he is not convinced and recommends avoiding SLS.

Other Ingredients to Avoid

Aluminum chlorohydrate, a wetness retardant used in antiperspirants, can cause allergic reactions.

Ammonia, used in hair dyes and bleaches, can irritate the eyes and skin and can be toxic when inhaled.

Mineral oil, found in many moisturizers, comes from petroleum, a nonrenewable resource.

Peroxide, used in hair-coloring products, can irritate the skin of hands and scalp and damage hair and eyes.

Phenylenediamine (PPD), found in many hair dyes, is linked with skin irritations, respiratory disorders and cancers, and is banned in Europe.

Polyethylene and polyethylene glycol (PEG ingredients), found in hair straighteners, antiperspirants and baby-care products, are safe in themselves but can be contaminated with 1,4- dioxane, which produced liver cancer in rodents in National Cancer Institute (NCI) studies.
Polysorbate compounds 60 and 80 are emulsifiers, used in lotions and creams, that can also become contaminated with the carcinogen 1,4-dioxane.

Polyvinylpyrrolidone (PVP), widely used in hair-care products, especially sprays, has been found to stay in the body for months. In rats it contributed to tumor development.

Propylene glycol, a humectant, or moisture-attracting ingredient, found in mascara, lotions, creams and other cosmetics, can irritate skin in sensitive individuals.

Talc, a mineral found in many face and body powders, has a structure similar to that of asbestos, which has been linked to lung and ovarian cancers. Healthier alternative: cornstarch (but, like any powder, can cause breathing problems)

Toluene, a solvent, is found in some nail polishes. It is a nervous-system toxin.

Triclosan, an antibacterial agent found in deodorants and other products, is overused and is linked to antibiotic-resistant disease, says the Alliance for the Prudent Use of Antibiotics (www.apua.org).
** The substance is described the same way in the Tenth Report on Carcinogens, released December 2002.