Its getting Hotter, or is that everyone else?

This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown.

The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.

I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.

But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.

World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?

If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.

I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.

Tears, Laughter, the same thing?

What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?

I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.

I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.

Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.

I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.

I also want to adopt a kid.

I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.

These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.

Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?

Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?

I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.

There are so many wants...

God, what is it that you want from me?

Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.

Daydreaming about star trek and other things

Why can't Star Trek be reality. It seems like the federation had a great goal, Ugh. Perhaps I enjoyed that movie too much, it has me day dreaming entirely to much. Wishing I wasn't so human. I find myself wishing us Humans would learn a thing or two from Star Trek. Is it possible for humans to survive self-destructive ways, to solve the problems we have here, collaborate, and work together as a species?
Sure, the humans in the show and movie are always getting into fights but Earth in the "Star Trek" universe is an egalitarian, Utopian planet. The vision that Star trek seems to gleam toward is that we Humans would use our time and talents to explore the universe in a peaceful manner. It seems that the message star trek producers give us is that if we could get past our petty fights and stupid wars, and worked together we would go where no one has gone before.
Since star trek, and Star fleet is an imaginary example, I ponder the existence of any peaceful beings that grace the Earth's surface. Is an example of peace the Amish societies? Can we learn to live the way they do, at peace with ourselves and our neighbors? At peace with the essence of the human condition?


After all this I wonder still.. what is the human condition?


Lately I feel doomed to inherit the condition of being human. I wish perhaps I was Vulcan.. free of emotion. But unfortunately, that is a huge day dream. I am so full of emotion, Its locked into who I am. I fear that my emotion or humanity will over run me, and I too, will become like the people I once admired, whom I now, don't even respect.
Is the human condition one of doom, of sickness? Do we become monsters and always make monstrously hurtful decisions?

I read the following on page 71 of East of Eden by John Steinbeck. "I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads and tiny bodies; some are born with no arms, no legs, some with three arms, some with tails or mouths in odd places. they are accidents and no one's fault, as used to be thought. Once they were considered the visible punishments for concealed sins. And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul? Monsters are variations from the accepted normal to a greater or less degree. As a child may be born without an arm, so one may be born without kindness or the potential of conscience. A man who loses his arms in an accident has a great struggle to adjust himself to the lack, but one born without arms suffers only from people who find him strange. Having never had arms, he cannot miss them. sometimes when we are little we imagine how it would be to have wings, but there is no reason to suppose it is the same feeling birds have. No, to a monster the norm must seem monstrous, since everyone is normal to himself. To the inner monster it must be even more obscure, since he has no visible thing to compare with others. To a man born without conscience, a soul-stricken man must seem ridiculous. To a criminal, honesty is foolish. you must not forget that a monster is only a variation, and that to a monster the norm is monstrous."

His words stick out, they say so much, so effectively. Its an almost answer to my ponderings, and yet not at all.
Is there a possibility for monsters to not exist? For peace and cooperation amongst humans? Is it possible for us not to be corrupted? I look inward, at my own failures and short comings and I sigh. I sigh because I realize how I am not even a step in the right direction. I have done so many things that are monstrous, I have allowed the human condition to affect me.
Sigh. I can only change me, and hope that one day the world will change too.

Going through the EMOtions

A good majority of my younger days I spent time dwelling in my sorrow. I loved sorrowful books, poems, and things that helped me feel like crying was normal. My favorite saying is one of sadness. It comes from the book the joy luck club and is how I got the name for this blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola. I always found it an untrue statement for myself, but one that amused me. I consider myself a person who does like to dwell in the sorrow, and drink it up, but since I love Coca cola so much and drink it so often, I just never thought it could be possible to swallow more sorrow than the coca cola I drank. I felt it was important to know my emotions. If I really felt through my circumstances I would understand me better.

In my recent days, or this past two years, I've turned off my emotions. I felt I had to many to deal with. Its too hard to feel everything. So much sorrow I had to swallow and digest, so much more than coca cola at that time, so much anger, confusion, fear, and at the same time the joy of being a mother and having wonder friends and family. With so much emotion coming at me, I started to avoid it. What I once enjoyed swimming in, the way I used to know myself, and understand my life, I started avoiding. Not only did I avoid my emotions, I strayed away from sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I became less and less myself.



If a bad memory or stressful situation has come across my table, I look at it and ignore it. I turn off the parts of me that have to feel it. I shut down. I feel I have been gone for the past two years. I have slowly been resurfacing. With me slowly returning, I could still try to avoid some emotions. However events have happened that have forced me to confront my situation. To force me to confront and deal with my emotions. I decided last night to let myself cry. To embrace the suckyness along side the goodness.

I have to accept that my husband abandoned me.
I have to accept that I am now a single mother.
I learned to accept that I need to reach to God for companionship always first and foremost
I accept that my life is a giant teeter totter lead by God.
I accept that I need to be ok with feeling sad,
and I also need to remember that I should never swallow more sorrow than coke, I need to find the joy in between.

I have been blessed iin my life. I realize just how lucky I really am. I am in my book one of the luckiest people I know. Even with this said, I accept that I am allowed to feel the sting of sadness. I think God knew I was prone to weepiness, prone to sorrow, and he bested me with some really good armor. Lately I reckognize this armor in the form of my bestest friend Jenny. She may be a bit of an emo wreck as well, but she embraces it. She rocks the emotion. Then lets it go and sees how truely shiny and happy everything can be. The potential for good in her world is that of an innocent child. I have never felt this way about life, I have always seen the potential for bad and worse, and I know that God gifted me her, so I could be shown the potential GOD wants seen.





Here is a poem that is an evolution from an old poem I wrote about pain

Its called Pain

Often I wonder about pain
How it causes weakness to form in the heart
Curiously I cry pondering the possibilities
Can I wear a mask to hide that which obviously deforms me
With no resolution I slowly become all that is sadness
I wonder what why I was doomed to feel so much
For what reasons why I valiantly protect my anguish
Is it because I am corrupt with in my very soul
Is my own mind so chaotic, so troubled
That I must hide it away from everyone including myself
Why must I always react in a way that ignores my essence
Does it truly matter that there are defects that can be seen
This moment I was made to be full of sorrow
Perhaps next time it will be full of joy
Accepting this ache is all I feel convicted to do
No longer will I allow the mask of pain to wear me

Nevaeh

My lil girl is almost Two and a half years old. She will be officially so in 18 or so days. It is amazing how fast time goes. It was just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant, and a moment ago when she was born. I know that in a blink of an eye she will be grown up.

Nevaeh is one of a kind. It is obvious to me that she is going to grow up to be a lion, she bosses everyone around, and is a serious control freak. She often tells people no, and goes about her business in a very deliberate fashion.

I thought it would be fun to share her insanities with the world. Or better put, her strange behaviors.

Any insect or arachnid, except for a fly, is called a spidermans

She is most afraid of a fly, when she sees one she runs and screams.. fi.. fi.. fi.. fi...

Soda is called popcorn

She loves to sing strange songs, just yesterday sge made up a song, with the words, I see the moon moon , I love you moon

She loves her jersie and bosses her around all the time

She hates being in her car seat, she fights to get out of it the entire time shes in it

Her favorite show is Dora the explorer

She likes to talk to me on the phone when I am gone, she plays the I love you more game with me. We yell I love you more, then finally I say I love you equally and she says I love you icky.

Shes so independent now that she has to pick her own outfits, if I want her to wear something I have to convince her that its amazing.

She recognizes people in pictures, even people she doesn't see that often. My best friend Krystal hasn't seen neve for over two months now and Neve saw a picture of her today and said ook mommy kysta. She call karissa 'kissa' and always calls Tannan 'tannan micheal'. She even recognizes peoples cars. At church she pointed to Jennys car, and at that moment I was unaware that she could even do that.

I am lucky because of this independence. She loves to do what I do, and do it by herself. She wants to sweep, clean up floors, do laundry, and take care of me when I don't feel very good.

Its strange to me that my little princess was born so huge. She was a giant newborn, and now is a petite two year old.

She is the most amazing little person I have ever known. I am blessed to be her mother.