Empty

So here is my new poem. Its kind of depressing as I am trying to be positive and happy... I still find it really easy to be...

Sorrowful

So my poem is called Empty

Enjoy!

My thoughts cannot be tuned by fading heart
cancer has striken my soul
It feels as though water has flooded my lungs
and my life torn apart
Aching, dying, last breathe, I'm thrown to the coal
this battle for me so lost
I see now that Im the one who is to blame
the searing lights lost their rung
Everything fallen apart, nothing the same
who I am, not what I was
Can you cure this disease of a dying soul
are you even listening
Beautiful disasters of life created by you
empty ignored, and unloved
I wait for you, restore this small empty crate
full cherished, and loved by God
Even when all I truely am isn't worthy
God will you restore this shame

Twilight Experience

For those of you who do not know, I became a serious fanatic of the Twilight series over the last year. I read all the books, saw the movie more than once and even dreamt of being bitten. However this blog isn't a critique on my favorite set of novels, or new favorite movie. Its about how easy it is to hope, to believe in something as non existant as Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Nothing about him is real, yet people around the world, have become facisnated with him as though he was real. Now I am not saying people truely beleive in him. But what I am getting at is the fact that it is so easy to beleive in something as make beleive as a vampire, yet the belief in God is often criticized. God has become the stuff of fiction. Science seems to try to exist with out faith. With out hope.

Hope isn't always easy. Neither is faith. To beleive in something you can not see and something you do not understand takes courage. I would have to say that reading a ficitonal book and becoming an avid fan gave me hope that people, perhaps, weren't lost at all. I believe God has just become harder for us HUMANs to see. His love, goodness, patience, mercy, joy, faithfullness, has been drowned out by our media, by our own negative thoughts.

Humans are programed to remember pain... it keeps us alive. iT keeps us from repeating deadly mistakes. So its easy to sit in front of the TV, or read the news paper and take in all the bad. For every 10 negative stories we hear about there might only be one positive one. We feed on the fear, on the negativity. We dont see the miracles. We see people loosing their homes, going hungry, terrorism in hotels, wars brewing... so we ask.. HOW could God allow all of this. God isn't good. He can't possibly exist in a world this bad, and if he does, he must not love us.! Right?

I feel bad for God sometimes. He gets a bad rap. He gets lumped in with us Humans. Just because we are bad. If we do something terrible, God gets blamed. The opposite doesn't tend to happen. Someone gets a great job with benefits an great pay and buys a beautiful house, they say I am so glad I got that education and that I worked so hard. God isn't part of why those things happened, yet when that same someone looses their home and job.. they say why God... WHY!

I believe now that you have to give people hope, feed them miracles, and then God would become easier to see. Our world drowns out hope. The one we have accepted any way. The majority of us have accpeted that miracles just dont happen anymore. Some of us have fought. Some of us keep fighting. We used to have shows like fact or fiction, unexplained mysteries, Real life miracles, but those shows have disappeared. I believe small shows like that, will keep people curious. Keep people hopeful.
I believe hearing about miracles, something unexplained will light a fire in a person. Keep them alive in the soul. I would call this the Twilight experience. Just reading about it would make you want it to happen to you.! So as member of our society, we should keep trying to find a way to feed other people hope. I want to do the same, I will do the same. I will work hard to focus on the good.. and faith wont seem so hard. Hope will become easy, and miracles they would happen daily.


My friend Heather told me last night that it snowed in Texas.! It took a lot of faith to just believe her text, but then I saw the pictures, and then I beleived. My point being it takes faith to believe. Sometimes we wont always be allowed to see the snow.. but faith.. makes believing.. and believing creates hope.

If we can believe it snowed in Texas, and that Edward Cullen truely is the perfect boyfriend, I think we can believe that God is Good and that he loves us. Its time for all of us to have a Twilight experience.

Police Agility Test

So Saturday, thats tomorrow, I go in for a police officer agility test. I have been practing for the test. I had talked to several other candidates looked online and got the minimum passing requirements. I trained enough to be able to pass those.

The minimum requirements were 30 situps in sixty seconds. The situps being brutal. You start off flat on you back, knees straight up, and hands clasped behind your neck. As you come up into the situp your elbows must touch your knees, and as you go down your knuckles must touch the ground. You can not bounce. Someone will also be holding your legs in place.

Then you must to as many consequtive pushups as possible. minimum is 21. You must be as flat as possible and go down 4" from the ground and then all the way back up, to where your arms are completely straight.

Then there is the 300 meter sprint, which is nearly one lap around the track. The minimum time is 71 seconds.

Finally ther is the 1.5 mile run. The minimum time to complete this run is 14:31.

If you don't pass any of these by the minimum you instantly fail. So if I do the the minimum I keep moving on to each physical test. However this doesn't mean I get a passing grade. AND I just found this out this week. THe minimum wont give me enough points to move on. I have to increase everything. Now this isn't easy. As it takes time to get faster, muscle, and the building of strength and endurance.

I need in order to pass to do 28 push ups, 4more than I currently am able to do. 34 Situps, in sixty seconds, 4 more than I practiced, and I barely made 30 in sixty seconds! I need to run the sprint in 63 seconds, nearly 8 seconds faster than I can now... and I am running darn hard. And I need to do the 1.5 mile in 14 minutes I can currently do it in 1420. This sucks for me. They are all small adjustments but in running seconds are hard to makeup and catch up. In the sprint, I am running already as hard as I can, I can't imagine going any faster but I have to inorder to move on.

So right now I am discouraged. I know I won't pass. I may come close, but I wont move on tomorrow. So yeah, it sucks.!

Memories

When I think back to my road to becoming enviromentally aware, animal friendly, and in love with all things natural, I realize my journey didn't start this year it started many moons ago. I remember shopping with my childhood bestfriend, Heather, when we were young. I'm not entirely sure how old, but it was before either of us could drive. Heather always had crazy ideas. She danced freely, loved independently and with out borders, and well most everything about her is unique, even the way she taught me to shop. Well we were in some store, lets cal it walmart, and we were probably arguing about what deodarants smelled better or which soaps were better for your skin. As we argued in this section of the store, she turned over the package she was holding, so I did the same. In my head I was ready for the competition, I thought she wanted to see the ingrediants and compare them. I was wrong, as soon as I turned my package over, she put hers back on the shelf and went to the next item. I asked her what she was looking for, she was looking for the words 'proctor and gamble'. She said if it had those words, she didn't want to buy the item. I asked her why and she explained to me that this company was a major sponsor in animal testing. She wanted to buy a creulty free product.

I don't think that before that moment I had really thought about the items I used. I didn't even realize that shampoos or toothpastes may have been used on an innocent kitty or puppy to get approved for me to use. Ever since that moment, I always turn the items around looking to see if it says not tested on animals or I look for the leaping bunny symbol which tends to mean the product is vegan as well as not tested on animals.Its strange how certain people set the pace for the rest of your life, how one event can effect you for forever and influence even the smallest of habits, my consumer habit.

I disagree with animal testing. If you have to test it to see if its going to burn someones skin off you probably shouldn't be using that dangerous chemical. Whats wrong with using natural ingredents, ones we have know about and have cleaned ourselves, our homes, prettied up our faces with for the last few thousand years? This new obsession with better feeling hair (chemicals killing your cells, in order to give the illusion of soft hair) or softer skin (aluminum entering you pores, opening them to give the illusion of soft skin) seems very shallow to me.



So if you are at all interested in finding out what products are not tested on animals visit leapingbunny.org. They have a list of make-up, household products, hair care, and body care vendors that are all animal cruelty free.

Aching week

So its been a while since my last post. I have alot on the brain and for some reason or another can not get it out in any meaningful or comprehensive way. **SIGH**

Well for those of you who don't know, tomorrow I am going in to take a civil service examination. Its basically a psychological examination of my thinking and its to see if I can think enough like a police officer is supposed to. I am excited. Not afraid or nervous yet.

I went out and got the perfect skirt to wear to look all professional. I've practiced how to wear my hair in order to look 'copish' and tried to practice a confident demenor as I know our presentations will also be graded tomorrow.

If I pass this exam I go on to do a physical agility test. Which training for sucks. I can't do a 300 meter sprint in under a minute followed by 30 something pushups in 60 seconds and then follow it with 40 situps in the next 60 seconds and then a 1.5 mile run in 14 minutes. ALL CONSECUTIVELY. My body aches just practicing. I am sore all the time and not getting much faster or stronger.
FRUSTERATING. I want to be a police woman... just not a woman in pain all the time!

In the mean time I am also attempting to enroll at city u. To finish my psych degree. I am unsure about this. Its gonna cost me 30K to finish. Thats a lot of money just so I can do it all online.

ARGH if only life decisions were easy!

So the only happy thoughts I have to look forward to is the fact that I am going to twilight with my sisters and my BFF Jenny on Friday morning at 12:01! WOOT. !
So maybe after Twilight has left the system.. my thoughts will be clearer... less corupted by edward. Jacob.