opposite way

So being single in this day in age is like being on a game show. Its unrealistic and the expectations and goal are just not worth it. Todays society tells me that when I meet a guy, I should be sleeping with him by the end of the first date... and in love after we've had sex.

Its not like when I am around a nice man I don't want to kiss him; but the thought doesn't go much further than that. For starters I can't fathom the idea of sleeping with some one I dont first love, and secondly I can't fathom sleeping with someone I am not married to. I know that sounds seriously old fashioned, and I really dont care. Society has set the pace. I have seen a few people just a few run the other way.

In the United State, the new idol worship isn't a wooden statue, its the lives of the rich and famous. We strive to do what it appears they do. For the most part people with in hollywood do what we expect.. they set this pace of unmarried sex and quick fixes. However I have seen 2 examples of famous people attempting to RUN the other way. The Jonas Brothers a famous boy band on Disney is wearing purity rings. Purity rings are worn to symbolize that fact that the wearer intends to stay pure until marriage. They were made fun of at the VMA's and only 2 people stuck up for them. One was Jordin Sparks ( a fellow purity ring wearer) and Paris Hilton.



Its not shocking that they were made fun of. The shocker was that Paris Hilton, a pace setter in the flesh, stuck up for them. Sigh. I wasn't sure what to make of all of that. But maybe even the pace setters wish they too could run the other direction.

With the majority of people believing that sex is dating. How do I expect to meet a decent man who is not retarded with society? Can I stay true to my own personal expectations? Or will societal pressures, norms, and a man I think is hot convince me other wise?

Dating, a Really scary idea. Actually getting along with a man long enough to make him commit to be my boyfriend ... and to commit to the same principles and or similar ones.. almost seems impossible. LOL.


So all this ranting was brought on by my new favorite song:

Opposite way by Leeland. Lyrics:

Living in the same town
for all these years
Doing the same old things
hanging with the same crowd
and it's starting to get crippling
you never felt in place
and you tell yourself it's all okay
but something's different today
you want to run the opposite way
and it seems like you're locked in a cage
and you need to find a way of escape
when everyone's setting the pace- it's okay to run the opposite way

and the Father sent his Son down
the Light of men
the cross he bore was crippling
rejected in His own town
and they couldn't see the Sun shining
He knelt in the garden and prayed
Father let this cup pass from me
It's not Your will for me to stay
Your will for me is the opposite way

and it seems like He was locked in a cage
and He couldn't find a way of escape
but through the cross He conquered the grave
my Jesus ran the opposite way

Oh, and through the cross He conquered the grave
Oh, He ran the other way
Yeah, through the cross He conquered the grave
So you could run the opposite way

Sisters

Most people know that I have 6 sisters. Yes , crazy I know. I am the oldest of all Six. In the line up its Myself, Karissa (full) Monica (step) April (half) Todd (the one and only brother making 7) Sarah & Malerie (twin step sisters) and Julia (half). Of my six sisters and one brother I only get to see 3, therefore I am only really close to those three.. .Karissa, Sarah analerie.

Karissa and Sarah are a unique brand of beautiful and fun. They love make up, being dressed up, and looking good. I have yet to see Karissa have a bad day in over Ten years. Its amazing how she always glows. Sarah strives to be like her.. . sometimes taking it to far and becoming snobby, which Karissa isn't.. except with Clothes... but never in the general sense of snob. They love their bodies, they love to eat, and their confidence in the way they look in general is awe inspiring. To be that comfortable is what all women would like to be.

During the summer months and early hunting season Karissa and I get the privilege of taking care of our younger sisters. Sarah seems to always get stuck with Karissa. Or better put Karissa gets stuck with Sarah. They have fun eating, watching movies, and just cruising the town. As for Malerie, she gets stuck with me. We have a totally good time as well but tend to be the Odd sisters in the Gang.

I love all my siblings, however; I have a very close kinship with my sister Malerie. Even though we are only step sisters, it is like we are genetically linked. we have similar taste in things, activities, boys, and similar view points on life in general. We love to play and do weird and random things as well.

In July alone Malerie and I did so many random things, I was considering writing a book entitled.. How to survive a sisterhood of weirdness. Our first adventure was tubing down snoqualmie river. This ended badly. The river went at less than one mile an hour, and our car was 3 miles away. We ended up walking the majority of the shore, getting stuck in mud, smelling like fish, climbing rock walls, getting yelled at by farmers, and running across farm land with our pink rafts around our mid section. A very hilarious scenario in retrospect.

Our second adventure was in our traveling to tonasket to my parents property. The trip started with random photos of random sites, me unknowingly showing my underwear to everyone in Omaks Walmart, and my daughter rolling away in the shopping cart about 10 car lengths away from me with out me noticing :(. During the vacation we went quadding in the okanagon where we went past a crazy mans house, saw deer, and almost hit 'wild' cattle. To add to the craziness of us, we jumped off a paddle boat into a freezing cold lake, jumped onto and climbed giant rocks, and ended our adventures attempting to walk like deer.

Our latest adventure was to Forks. We went there on a whim. Our favorite book twilight was written and supposed to take place there. We took the ferry over to Kingston, and while on the ferry... I unwillingly showed half the ferry my underwear. I was wearing a skirt and outside, and well the wind just exposed me immediately upon movement of the ferry. On our way to forks we laughed and listened to great music, all while ignoring a very unhappy daughter of mine in the back. (she cried the entire time) . We talked about how weird we were for traveling 4 hours just to go to forks. We thought for some reason we were unique. When we arrived in Forks we learned we were not the only wierdos. Thousands of people had already come before us and probably twenty earlier that day. Apparently we aren't the only people who love Jacob and Edward with all our hearts.. to the point of obsession. The trip wasn't a complete waste though, we saw all the sets to were the movie (that was made on our book) were shot. We found a beautiful beach (rialto) and had a great time.

Sigh. Summer is over. Who knows when malerie and I will have more wild and crazy strange fun.

I love my sisters.

Pibbins

My little one, my sweet little girl, is almost Two. Its amazing how time flies. The moment she was born she amazed me. She came out 9 lbs and 3 oz. She had fat rolls on her fat rolls! Her chubbyness shocked me and still does. I remember a week before she was born my Doctor told me that he estimated her weight at just over 7 lbs. he was so wrong!

The way she came out set her pace for life. She will always amaze me. Lately the thing that has me being an overly proud mother is her language development. It has taken off over these last few weeks. She has always loved to coo, and chat, but nothing more than a word or two until recently. She is talking so much. Some of her blubberings even resemble sentences. I hit my head yesterday and she said "ow, mommy mommy okay?", then she kissed my head. Even though my head hurt, my heart soared with pride. My little girl is becoming a compassionate human being. One with her own thoughts and own concerns.

One of my favorite things she says lately is "my pibbin". Pibbin is just her word for Blanket. She loves her blankets lately. She has 4 she drags around. She covers her dolls with one and then greedily covers herself with the others.. then throws them off of her and leaves them in random places, then screams for me to find them... "mommy MINE MINE Pibbin!".


While on the our way back from Eastern Washington this weekend, a fly landed on her 'pibbin', she freaked out and started to cry. The stupid fly then preceded to land on her making her scream and now any time she sees a fly she starts to cry... even if its a mile away. She hates insects all because one stupid fly landed on her special 'pibbin'.


Not only is she speaking amazingly well , and deathly afraid of insects, she is almost fully potty trained. She has no accidents during the day anymore! I am unsure how long it will be until she is trained thru the night, but I am very excited about the fact that she is now Day Trained!


Sigh. I am just a mother totally in love with her daughter!

Perfection

Its a matter of time. Before we all fail at something. Its so easy to be human. My question for everyone is.. is there ever a time were we dont fail? Jesus was perfect. 100% flawless. Was anyone even close? like 80% ? I can say for myself.. I fail alot. I find that I am in the 20ish% maybe under .. LOL.. category.

So Authenticity. Its my goal now. Being authentic. Real, assertive, and loving. Even if I get better at these things.. will I ever reach over 40%? or is this percent crap just retarded? It is. I know. We are either perfect, thus being God, or we are imperfect thus being Human. This is something I am coming to terms with. Being ok with an imperfect life.. and circumstances.. or atleast my ideas of perfect. Being ok with the fact that I am only Human. God forgives and infinitely loves me.. this is something I dont do this for myself. I don't always forgive myself... my expectations are that of the worlds.. and not of Gods. I know I need to be real.


I believe my attempts to change, to better myself, my spirituality, my life, etc. will not only make me a better friend (eventually) but will influence me to reach out more and more to my heavenly father.

I am hoping that my fastlessness will only encourage my search for the authentic self. To find the truth in the fact that imperfection makes me beautiful. That my human ways and attempts and successes to be better will bring a smile to my Creators face.. and that I can truly believe HE loves me. I am so grateful that God has forgiven me and that He infinitely Loves.


Forgiven

All the bad I've done
The cruelty I wished for
I ask it all to be undone
The lies and deceit
all the absurdity in this world
I pray it to be cleaned.
These moments in life
so few, unable to look back
I wish for it all to be forgiven
Stupid mistakes
or maybe just one
can it be forgotten
Loud and forever lost
what happened to my land of trees
Lord please bring the peace I need

That was a poem I wrote a few years ago.. when I was still searching to be 'perfect'... but what I find so interesting is that somehow even before I knew Gods love... I knew that the only way to find peace and 'perfection' was thru Gods forgiveness, thru being real.

Heavy Heart

So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.


I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.

I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.

Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.


So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.

I need GOD.