For those of you who don't know, I have been single for the last 6 years, divorced for just over 5. When I pull comparisons.. the people who divorced around the same time as me.. are already married with more kids... I haven't even been able to keep a guy interested or stay interested in a guy for more than a few weeks. Sad but true. In my thirty years of living I have maybe been a relationship with a man for 5 years total.
It has occurred to me several times.. even throughout out this blog, that perhaps God does not want me to date. He wants me to be single. Why. I don't want it. Perhaps my limited relationship time simply means... I am not meant to have those types of relationships. I cringe at that thought. Cringe that Gods plan for me equals a life with out romantic love. I swear to you I can argue for hours about how my life will be better if I was married... all my reasons however.. have to do with me. They all start with I will have X, Y, Z.
I know if I asked any married person, their overall happiness and feeling of things they want to have or would like to have ... are probably around the same as mine. I am not unhappy. I have often focused too much on what I don't have, not what I do have. I have loneliness... and freedom. They go hand in hand. I have no one to figure out whose family we are celebrating holidays or birthdays with. I have no one I need to ask to make sure I can do something or spend a certain amount. I don't have to be accountable to any person but myself... and GOD.
I think what makes being single so hard in reality.. is that the norm is to be in relationships.
Seriously.. when I think of that I feel silly. I very rarely fit the norm. I drive people nuts with my oddities... I even am the odd one in my weird family. But its true.. my single-ness stands out to me when I see people posting adding, engagement, kissing and cute family photos on Facebook. These things make me feel... in the worst ways... jealous. I hate that feeling... I don't sit well with it. Its my least favorite emotion. I would rather feel sad and cry all day. But really sometimes I catch myself feeling like I am missing out some how.
But I don't believe its true. When I really think about it.. I am not missing out. Silly as it may be, but right now this is where God wants me. He wants me single. Its loud and obnoxiously clear. Only God knows if it will end. Part of me wants it to end... in 3, 2, 1... but the other part wonders.. what kind of life could I live if I really listened and obeyed the direction in which God leads me. For now he leads me to being single. Finally feeling content.. and happy with just being me.
Thank you to all the women who have helped me get to this place. My Heathers, my mother, Kelsey, and some other fabulous ladies.
