These past few years have been a spiritual struggle for me. I have gone back and forth between being angry at God, ignoring God, and trying but failing to rekindle a love I feel I once had for my creator. I have felt that God isn't listening to me. That I have been forgotten.About a month ago I received an email regarding the single life and patience. I vaguely remember it. The only part that stuck out was that it talked about how God delivered his people from Egypt and something or other about how they longed to go back. The only reason I remember this (for those of you who know me well the answer is obvious) is because the word Egypt was involved. This moment at the time was greatly insignificant. Just more justification in my heart that God just doesn't get me and doesn't really care. That same day, I was out at the beach, throwing sticks for my puppy crying... and asking God... to please please speak to me. I think I remember begging and yelling.. maybe even bribing. But at the time all I felt was alone and unheard.
About a week ago, I opened up my Bible and the page I so happened to open to had to do with how God delivered his people from Egypt.
Well.. it should have struck me then... to pay attention.. but... as with all things, GOD must strike me over the head quite hard before I stop and listen. But at this point all that occurred to me was well theres Egypt again, why does everyone hate on Egypt. GOD in all the infinite Wisdom that a supreme being could possess... knows how I love intrigue and knows that is how I must be "reeled" in. So the following day I was listening to the radio in the morning. I have been doing my best to mix up my love for horrid techno rock music with a bit of praise mixed in.. about 1 song a day... I feel covers my worship singing abilities. So as I switched the station I caught the tail ed of the radio host saying something or other about Egypt.
That is when it occurred to me. There is something about the story of Moses and the delivery of Gods people from Egypt that God wants me to look at. Chance would be hearing or seeing the word once or twice... but I figure its not chance and I should investigate what messages I am missing.
So I dutifully googled the delivery of Gods people from Egypt. Yes I know. EPIC fail. Shoulda coulda woulda pulled out the bible.. but.. Google seemed to be the easiest way to solve my curiosity. In reading I couldn't really relate to the story. Its a story I have heard at least a dozen times. And as it is my favorite story in the Bible.. I know it quite well.. so what is it that I am missing.
God was using my favorite story from the bible, and calling by attention to the particular aspect of deliverance from Egypt.
That is when it occurred to me... what does Egypt symbolize. Egypt is what enslaved Gods people. Egypt is where God freed his people from. IT is what they longed to return to when they were afraid of the future.
God has rescued me from many poor choices. Poor choices in which I often enslave myself to committing over and over and over again. When it comes to men and relationships in particular, I prefer to go back, rather than be alone. It doesn't matter how awful the men or relationship truly was. Its familiar comforts are seemingly more secure than the unknown of my future. Just like the people of Egypt.. they wanted to turn around, to go back to the safety and comfort of what they were enslaved too... I want the same.
This notion and idea that occurred to me was confirmed tonight.
I do not usually leave my radio on christain stations. Today I did. When I got in my car after school and turned it on the bible study or discussion that I normally ignore and turn off immediately was on. The speaker was.. can you guess... talking about how God delivered his people out of Egypt. The speaker shared that the people had such a struggle on the way to the promised land, they argued, failed to trust, and longed to go back to Egypt.
Sounds familiar. I believe God has told me that in my future their is a promised land. One with a fulfilling and healthy relationship. One in which my life is much more stable than it is right now. Just like the Isrealites, my days are filled with uncertainty, doubt, mistrust, and unbelief.
Several times over the past 6 years of my dark journey I have tried to go back to something awful. God apparently wants more for me. God puts up every obstacle possible so that I have difficulty returning. God continuously removes people from my life, whom, I begged at the time to have remain. God pushes me forward and onward. I am urged to be patient. As I feel I can not possibly go on, that this journey is so unbearable, I am beckoned away from where I long to return. I do not know how long my journey is. I do not know when or if I will reach the promised land.
But I do know that tonight I feel loved. I feel like God did listen to me. He did speak to me. And most importantly I listened.
