Because I am single

This may start off like a sorrowful post. Yes... yes.. I have been writing a lot about single-dom... but hey, it is all I know.

So today is Valentines day. I call it the happy singles awareness to their awkwardness day. Its a holiday to show the people you love that you love them. I do not have any significant other, yet I want to give a shout out to the loves of my life!

Jesus- Thank you for all your sacrifices. For your forgiveness and for my life.

Nevaeh- Thank you for loving me like crazy. For being my daughter and making me laugh an infinite amount of times a day.

Mother- Thank you for bringing me into this world and tolerating me these past 28 (nearly 29) years. For guiding me to being the woman I am.

Grandma- For always teaching me about Jesus' love.

Karissa- thanks for being my baby sister. You always have my back I know I'll be ok as long as your around.

Malerie- Thank you for allowing me to be me. For floating the river a multitude of times and never complaining how we both stink life river and fish afterward.

Sarah- Thank you for partaking in the weird activities of my daily life. For knocking over those cones and speeding off.. for laughing like a hyena with me in grocery stores.

Uncle Marty- For showing me what a quality human being looks like. For taking me to movies and being a dad for all intensive purposes

Uncle Mo- For Swedish pancakes mo style, giving me perspective on the outdoors, and sharing your birthday with me.

Heather F. - For being the love of my life. For your daily encouragement its needed.

JP- For loving my heather feather and beign a man of style and respect.

Heather P- For being my tigger and showing me a love for exercise.

Nic P. For being a fellow Eyore and always checking in on me.

Jenny L- For your optimism in my moments of complete and utter negativity

Greg L- For showing me men can treat their wives wonderfully

Cheryl- For hill rolling and making teeter totters as grown adults.

Krystal- For tolerating my strangeness and just being there.

Amanda- For being there in moments of crisis

Monica G- For keeping me in check

Jen G- For your encouragement to accept others and challenge myself.

Kerina- For our long walks

Jersie- For being a faithful puppy and snuggling me when you know I am cold

Coca- for being Nevaehs faithful cat

Dew- For drooling so much and cuddling me in the middle of the night

Spock- For pretending to be a dog and being such a cool kitty.

TO my other family- thank you for being family

to my friends I didn't list- I love you and you are a huge part of my life. Thank you!

What you ask for is the flaw???

After reading a blog by my friend Sarah B. that I felt shared the part of her that was awakening, I wanted to do the same. It feels every day this year I become more and more self aware. Often its painfully aware and uncomfortably so.

What do you spend your time asking for? From God and the life he gave you? The majority of my life has been spent asking for something I have never had. I have spent nearly 29 years asking for a family. So these last 29 years my focus has been in that direction. On what I do not have yet so desperately want.

I spent my teen years dreaming over the idea of my first boyfriend. He didn't come around until I was nearly 18. Even though he was a highly intelligent man I know he wasn't what God intended for me. Shortly after I met a man I would marry and divorce. I remember thinking that dating, being married and in a relationship would be so amazing. It was not what I hoped for or dreamed of. My divorce being so painful I ran away from relationships with men. This run only deepened the feeling inside me that I wanted a man to complete my family. I never had a dad. My husband left me. Broken. I just felt broken. Often I still do.

So I asked God to send me a man.

And over the last 18 months he has sent them. He has sent them in many shapes sizes and genres. Some looking like what I asked for, meeting my criteria.. but none meeting what I really needed or wanted. I can't believe the amount of men I have 'dated' in the last year. Its insane. I never wanted to date alot never took pride in that idea. Now I know why it was something I never really wanted to do. Its because in reality dating is empty. Dating can be so very hallow. I want more than dating. So much more that I don't even know that a husband is what I want anymore.

And what is that what do I really need or want.

Gods approval. Gods love. Simple really but so hard to gauge to fix myself upon to feel.. to know.. to trust.

I asked God again why he did not want to give me a 'family'. I felt him say 'look again'. So I did. I saw a family. A huge one. Sisters who I am incredibly close to. Family who has supported me at every turn. Fellow students in my school who have support my education journey, a church of family... my family is everywhere. Its bigger than a 'man'. Its much more fulfilling really.

When I think of that and think of all the time I spent focused on wanting a husband to change my life I never considered the ways God could transform my life. OR the tools he put inside me to create my own happy life, even though it was so broken.

He gave me passion for the needy. He got me into a elite program. He gets me through the days at school I feel terrified to do a project. He challenges me to lead and create events. He is growing me to do his will. When I focus on what I want... and what I don't have.. I don't see these things he wants me to do. I only see what I want to do.

I've woken up lately. To the idea that I need to do what he wants me to do. NEED because it is really what I want. Its really the part of me that makes me happy. How he is growing me and the gifts he has given me are the things that make me the most happy. His giving me multiple men over the last year showed me how men could not make me happy. His giving me school and passion for others has showed me what truly makes me happy.

I hope I can hold onto this. That I don't convolute myself into the what I don't have. Because I have more than enough, and more than I need.