Sorrowful Thoughts In a Vintage Light

Because I am single

2012-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

This may start off like a sorrowful post. Yes... yes.. I have been writing a lot about single-dom... but hey, it is all I know.

So today is Valentines day. I call it the happy singles awareness to their awkwardness day. Its a holiday to show the people you love that you love them. I do not have any significant other, yet I want to give a shout out to the loves of my life!

Jesus- Thank you for all your sacrifices. For your forgiveness and for my life.

Nevaeh- Thank you for loving me like crazy. For being my daughter and making me laugh an infinite amount of times a day.

Mother- Thank you for bringing me into this world and tolerating me these past 28 (nearly 29) years. For guiding me to being the woman I am.

Grandma- For always teaching me about Jesus' love.

Karissa- thanks for being my baby sister. You always have my back I know I'll be ok as long as your around.

Malerie- Thank you for allowing me to be me. For floating the river a multitude of times and never complaining how we both stink life river and fish afterward.

Sarah- Thank you for partaking in the weird activities of my daily life. For knocking over those cones and speeding off.. for laughing like a hyena with me in grocery stores.

Uncle Marty- For showing me what a quality human being looks like. For taking me to movies and being a dad for all intensive purposes

Uncle Mo- For Swedish pancakes mo style, giving me perspective on the outdoors, and sharing your birthday with me.

Heather F. - For being the love of my life. For your daily encouragement its needed.

JP- For loving my heather feather and beign a man of style and respect.

Heather P- For being my tigger and showing me a love for exercise.

Nic P. For being a fellow Eyore and always checking in on me.

Jenny L- For your optimism in my moments of complete and utter negativity

Greg L- For showing me men can treat their wives wonderfully

Cheryl- For hill rolling and making teeter totters as grown adults.

Krystal- For tolerating my strangeness and just being there.

Amanda- For being there in moments of crisis

Monica G- For keeping me in check

Jen G- For your encouragement to accept others and challenge myself.

Kerina- For our long walks

Jersie- For being a faithful puppy and snuggling me when you know I am cold

Coca- for being Nevaehs faithful cat

Dew- For drooling so much and cuddling me in the middle of the night

Spock- For pretending to be a dog and being such a cool kitty.

TO my other family- thank you for being family

to my friends I didn't list- I love you and you are a huge part of my life. Thank you!

What you ask for is the flaw???

2012-02-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

After reading a blog by my friend Sarah B. that I felt shared the part of her that was awakening, I wanted to do the same. It feels every day this year I become more and more self aware. Often its painfully aware and uncomfortably so.

What do you spend your time asking for? From God and the life he gave you? The majority of my life has been spent asking for something I have never had. I have spent nearly 29 years asking for a family. So these last 29 years my focus has been in that direction. On what I do not have yet so desperately want.

I spent my teen years dreaming over the idea of my first boyfriend. He didn't come around until I was nearly 18. Even though he was a highly intelligent man I know he wasn't what God intended for me. Shortly after I met a man I would marry and divorce. I remember thinking that dating, being married and in a relationship would be so amazing. It was not what I hoped for or dreamed of. My divorce being so painful I ran away from relationships with men. This run only deepened the feeling inside me that I wanted a man to complete my family. I never had a dad. My husband left me. Broken. I just felt broken. Often I still do.

So I asked God to send me a man.

And over the last 18 months he has sent them. He has sent them in many shapes sizes and genres. Some looking like what I asked for, meeting my criteria.. but none meeting what I really needed or wanted. I can't believe the amount of men I have 'dated' in the last year. Its insane. I never wanted to date alot never took pride in that idea. Now I know why it was something I never really wanted to do. Its because in reality dating is empty. Dating can be so very hallow. I want more than dating. So much more that I don't even know that a husband is what I want anymore.

And what is that what do I really need or want.

Gods approval. Gods love. Simple really but so hard to gauge to fix myself upon to feel.. to know.. to trust.

I asked God again why he did not want to give me a 'family'. I felt him say 'look again'. So I did. I saw a family. A huge one. Sisters who I am incredibly close to. Family who has supported me at every turn. Fellow students in my school who have support my education journey, a church of family... my family is everywhere. Its bigger than a 'man'. Its much more fulfilling really.

When I think of that and think of all the time I spent focused on wanting a husband to change my life I never considered the ways God could transform my life. OR the tools he put inside me to create my own happy life, even though it was so broken.

He gave me passion for the needy. He got me into a elite program. He gets me through the days at school I feel terrified to do a project. He challenges me to lead and create events. He is growing me to do his will. When I focus on what I want... and what I don't have.. I don't see these things he wants me to do. I only see what I want to do.

I've woken up lately. To the idea that I need to do what he wants me to do. NEED because it is really what I want. Its really the part of me that makes me happy. How he is growing me and the gifts he has given me are the things that make me the most happy. His giving me multiple men over the last year showed me how men could not make me happy. His giving me school and passion for others has showed me what truly makes me happy.

I hope I can hold onto this. That I don't convolute myself into the what I don't have. Because I have more than enough, and more than I need.

What is my life if not attrition

2011-12-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

I think about who I used to be and compare her to the current version. Its interesting to read old blogs, old poetry, old journals.. I like the old girl. The new me is intent on pretending to not be lost. I was content before. I knew I was lost. I knew it sucked, I embraced it.

It seems life and the people in it, want you to buy the fairy tale. If you don't, pretend to be happy, because it could be alot worse. Its true it could be a lot worse. I know this. Part of my imbalance has so much to do with the state of affairs for others. Not saying I'm completely unselfish, in fact I am completely selfish. Its hard to enjoy moments of "glory" with out feeling a sting of guilt.

The guilt of I didn't finish my dessert.. there are plenty of people who have never had Deseret. The guilt of not speaking up, when I can. There are so many women around the world beaten to death just for being themselves... and at least I live somewhere I can attempt to be me. If everyone had the same opportunities as me, it would be easier to enjoy my moments of glory.

I have become the antithesis of me. NO longer standing firm with who I am, I just hide. I don't have a me any more. All that was good, isn't. I feel like expectations and people just kept pounding. Building the war against me. I fought, and fought to stay unique... but the pressure of being me and staying true to me was to much to bear.

I get bought so easily. A glance. A pretty color. So easily distracted. The idea that my "I" is up for sale disturbs me.

Can I come back. Am I supposed to. I see glimmers of me. I see the creation of possibility. I don't know what I want. I cant stand the now. I can't even think of the now for a few minutes with out feeling a deep seeded rage about life.

Can school continue to mold me, God continue to shape me, and will I let it happen. What will I let win out. The me... or the them. What should win out.?

Me is so selfish, so individualistic. Them is not me, the absence of, but its for the collectivist ways. Its so ensnared, so confused. I just needed this vent.

Whats bad is good?

2011-12-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

I've just got done reading the Hunger game series by suzanne collins(good reads.. fyi.. some spoilers as well below read with caution),when it hit me, I was a capitol citizen.

What does that mean, one may ask. Simpley this. A person who lives life greatly unaware of the world around them. I live in a world were everything I want is a simple click of a button, flick of a switch, or accessable by the movement of my finger tips. I order food that I don't finish, throw out spoiled food, clothes that are no longer in style I dismiss. I waste my time concerned with what I should wear and what romance might fall my way. I don't really spend to much time thinking outside of myself.

In suzanne collins second book of hunger games series, catching fire, the main character is at a party were the guests of this party engage in gorging themselves full of food. These guest then vomit up the food so that they can re-gorge .. simply put just for the sheer joy of having a full belly. So much waste. So ridiculous, right,?, when in these stories people are starving to death.
These citizens celebrate the main charachter for her ability to kill others and survive. They watch killings every year and praise the contestants as if they are Gods.. wrong right??

If I think that was ridiculous (along with the many uneducated acts of the capitol citizens) how can I not find my own daily living ridiculous?

Is it excusable to waste so much of my time on entertainment excess when people around the world die from starvation, curable diseases, or are forced into slavery every day? Every day I decide to buy a peice of clothing not made in the US, or I watch a show that advertises abuse and ignores the harms, I am making that excuse.

I am a capitol citizen. I will watch the hunger games no matter how wrong I think they are. No matter how awful it is to see. Its mere entertainment. I waste my time reading the gossip of the Kardashians, buying ashton kutchers clothing line, all for mere entertainment (yet I am supporting what they stand for.. unfaithfulness, lying, selfishness, ego-centrism... and so on.)I buy products that were made by little hands (god forbid that my daughter ever have to work 16 hour shifts in a factory to make10 dollars) as long as I can have that shirt.

So here I sit. On my computer. Feeling like I am solving my own issue. I'm a better person than those of the capitol, because I write about it, because I'm recognizing it... right?

What can I do? How can I change what I am, what is acceptable. What is really bad that I see as good... how can I change my perception and no longer be a capitol citizen?
I can watch the minature earth youtube video (http://youtu.be/drSDhlnm0e0) over and over and over, and still I have no idea how to change me. If I can change me maybe I can really make a difference. Maybe I will do something. Maybe something will get better for someone else. Maybe.
I wrote this poem today after obsessing about this idea.
So here it is for all the world to share:

On the edge of what once was
No one thing is the same
Taking a plunge to be free

To the edge of what will be
Seeking the expected
No wings there to guide me

Every choice and every chance
has mercies evil glance
Life just a false romance
can we really even dance

To the brink of what is
Its familiar now
Shackled just trying to be

Every choice and every chance
has mercies evil glance
Life just a false romance
can we really even dance

Trust in life

2011-06-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Delayed post. Just updating!

So its almost my birthday. Another year passing always makes me feel the need to look back on life events.

Needless to say looking back always makes me think of what I want or what I hoped would be.

Nothing really looks like I wanted it to. All the things I had hoped for myself, are not even a whisper of reality. Its a bit frustrating to think I can plan my life. Every time I take the wheel, I lead myself straight into a ditch. Its hard to accept that I am not in charge of Gods will and plans for my life. Yes.. my current thoughts are "Dear God.. I want it this way.. or Else.. please.."

or Else what, right? Or else I will feel even worse about being so off. If what I want doesn't ever occur, than am I really in tune with God? If I am asking for all the wrong things.. how do I even begin asking for the right things, when I have no idea that what I want isn't really all that great .. because what Gods design is, and what he decides to give me is really better than anything I can fathom.

Gods plan is great. I need to trust him more. Its often hard given the circumstances my family is in, and the circumstances I have found myself in as well, make me question Gods greater plan.

Trust is hard for me. Faith always is a big scarey idea for me and crossing over into trusting God completely always seems strange to me.

All this questioning has led me to writing little notes on my mirrors and hands.. all with the same general idea, trust God. Yesterday I woke up, and decided I didn't want to trust God. I was irritated at how everything keeps going south in life.. so I scrubbed off the Trust God that was written on my palm and proceeded to go out the rest of my day ignoring God.

The thing with ignoring God, it doesn't really work, because God doesn't ignore us.. so it really was a silly attempt on my behalf, but i wanted God to see how frustrated I was. And when I am frustrated with someone I ignore them, and just like any relationship, I thought ignoring God would "show him". As the day progressed, it was easy enough to shut his voice out. To not pay attention to feeling loved by God. I went to the Gym and complained to my friend Jenny about how I needed a new sports bra. I didn't really want to get one because it seemed like a waste in my funds.

Then later in the evening I went for a run with my friend Jenn Getty. At some point during our time together she asked me if I could use a sports bra, because she had a brand new one that she couldn't use.

Needless to say.. later that evening when I decided to stop ignoring God, I started to cry. God does love me and his plan is good. I should trust him with all the big things in my life, because he is capable with my wants and needs. He gave me something small something really trivial, he showed me he loved me and that I should trust him by getting me a bra.

So this incident made me think back. It reminded me of how God really has set up my life to give me the best, he prepared me for hard times and good times. He gave me a great community, a great church, a great family. He planned the best for me. Now if only I could accept that and remember that everyday.

And a shout out to God: thanks you God for not ignoring me even when I want to ignore you.

.

All Hallows Eve

2010-10-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

I so much enjoy this time of year. Out of every season and holiday, I do believe fall could be my favorite.

Yes for those of you who though summer perhaps was my favorite, yes I do love summer because it brings out my inner river rat, but I love fall because of Halloween. As Halloween is my favorite holiday, fall perhaps truly is my favorite season.!

It has always seemed to me, to be the holiday where people plan the most ahead for others. Yes on Christmas we may buy friends and family presents a few months in advance.. but do we buy strangers presents? Not usually. On Halloween, we not only think of our friends and family, we go out of our way to plan for and think of giving to strangers.
It seems to me to be the ultimate holiday to celebrate community. Even though often people are going out of their way to scare one another, they are still going out of their way for someone they do not even know!. On Halloween neighbors you've never met, play spooky music and hand out candy. Some even make cotton candy and create a haunted house for others to enjoy.

With Halloween comes huge community gatherings outside of the mall. People in large numbers go out to enjoy their local pumpkin patch. They do so in search of the perfect pumpkin to carve and put on display.
Even the local pumpkin patch is a great community event. Pumpkin fields, corn mazes, animal farms, bouncy houses, hay bail rides, everything you can imagine doing on a farm.. set up for the community to enjoy.

This year I have gotten to enjoy a pumpkin farm twice! Have pumpkin seeds made for me by my best friend, have been invited to more Halloween parties than parties for the year, have been asked to go trick or treating with multiple friends, and been with so much community it makes me feel like the luckiest person on the planet.
**Sigh**
I love this time of year.

Today I can see!

2010-08-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Perhaps because I am a poet at heart I am destined to be a bit moody and depressed. Maybe its because I am a woman or better yet, perhaps its the way I was created. I have a best friend who is always happy. I think its her nature to find the positive, and to just be bubbly. It feels like it is my nature, to be kind of the opposite. The drag. The worrier.

My mom was always worried about me. At one point in my youth I wore all black. I read dark books, and never let the sun touch my skin. She intervened by making me recycle my dark books, and either read peppy books or go out side. At the time I was mad at her, but looking back, she probably saved me from becoming some strange pale sad creature.. that I was obviously trying to be.

The name of my URL of my blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola, and then its name Sorrowful thoughts in a vintage light, are even a bit depressing. I know my mom doesn't approve, but yet I find my depressing names, some what creative. They are meaningful, and come from books I have read, and things ideas have changed my life. (So even though they sound some what depressing, mom, they really aren't :). )

My nature however has been slowly changing. Over three years ago I separated from my husband (now x). I thought I wouldn't make it. Yes I know I am a bit of a drama queen by saying that, but I did not think I WOULD EVER survive a divorce. It was only through Gods love that I did.

I was so angry for the longest time. So moody about my whole situation. Some times I still get moody about it. I find that I begin to think about what happened and the fact that its not what I had planned for my life. WHY does Gods plan have to be so different than mine? I wanted an intact family. I want to have a HUSBAND. I want to have the typical family unit. Is that really so much to want? I don't really believe it is so much to want. AND I can feel it that Gods design for me does, one day, include a husband. BUT for now, he wants me to master the art of being one with Him and being OK with my current situation.

Its easy to get side tracked, pulled away from faith. I focus on the fact that I now have a broken family. That my daughter has to live the life I NEVER wanted for her. I sit there and focus on this. Sometimes I focus so hard on the bad I forget about the truth of my situation. After telling a friend not to stare at a closed door, and to focus on some windows, I realized, I better do the exact same thing. Change my perception.

So I prayed. At first I felt God was being silent. It makes me mad when I feel his silence. I feel shunned. BUT most of the time, I realize I am not listening.. or in truth he is saying something that makes NO SENSE to me at the time, I SHUN him. Sad, but true.

After praying for a while, and being frustrated I decided to be angry. Then, I felt my anger swiftly get taken away from me by a few simple words.. that sounded like they came from my own brain, but really I know are his words. YOU HAVE A FAMILY!

What I have a family. ?? I am so busy worrying about what I do not have. I fill up my mind with unnecessary woes and cares, with don't haves. I forget the DO HAVES.

I may not have the typical family unit. But I do have Gods family. I know a decade ago, I would have died laughing at the thought of me considering a church my family, but today I do. My church family is real. So many people from my church love me, and I love them. Then theres my group of close lady friends. They are not just friends, in my last blog I entitled them sisters... And in doing so.. how was it not obvious to me then that Gods family.. was mine?? not sure.. but to continue.. even women I have just made friends with have become like family. Even some men friends have become like brothers. Who would have thought, I loose a family, but I never really lost my entire family. God provided me with a family unit so amazing.. that its depressing to me that I didn't realize it.!

So today I wake up again, so lucky, 2 whole days in a row, truly feeling Gods love. Today I can see it. I know it. I hope I don't forget it and go blind again.

My special thanks to all my friends and family at Allen Creek Community Church. (Ron, Helen, Twila, Janae, Trina, Mark, Debbie, Tim, Julie, Greg, Nate, JT, Jan, Judy, Norma, Chrissie, Valen, Sarah, the Hazens, Casey, and everyone else!) To my family (My mom, dad, my millions of sisters, my daughter, my nephews, my neices, my grandmothers, and grandfather)
All my bible study ladies (Jenny, Amanda, Monica) My close friends (Heather P and Heather F, Jamie, Krystal, Candis)

Thank you all for being my family. For being such a support to me. A blessing from God. You all show me that Gods Love is Real.

I love you all!

sisterhood of friendship

2010-07-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

Being a big sister is hard. My little sisters have experienced one of the hardest lives any young people should ever have too. Their childhood was one right out of fiction, and they witnessed things little eyes should not ever have to. This last year I have seen them try to reach out, and be shunned by cliques, lied about, and hurt. This hasn't been an easy year for them. Highschool is a rough place to be, and even other places outside of high school have presented the unfair cliquishness of life.

As a big sister what do I say about this, what do I do?

Nothing I can do. So I pray about this.

Yesterday one of them approaches me balling that its hard because she is trying to be a good teenager.. and because she is accountable, holds others accountable, and does what she is supposed to do, she feels punished. She has said before that if she was like every other teenager... she'd have friends.. and life would feel easier.

This made me want to cry. It broke my heart. But it was a reminder. Life is never meant to be easy.It reminded me so much of what my life as a teenager was like. I had very very few friends. The closest of my friends both moved away, and for a while I felt I was left with nothing.

Even to this day, I find it difficult to fit in with peers. I do not do things like other people. I do not desire to either. I told my sister the only thing I could. I told her that this stuff sucks, but in the end its worth it. I never had too many friends growing up because I didn't fit in. But the people I do fit in with are amazing. My life with out them.. unimaginable. The friends God picked out for me, the ones I waited for, are blessings.

With this said, I also started later in life than my sisters. They both have Jesus as a friend. I waited for that man. He had to find me, lasso me, pursue me like no other.. and I am so grateful that he did.

I remember how he did it. He brought me amazing people. The first of my friends that I met, Monica. I met her at an x box party and we just hit it off. I knew that she was someone I wanted to know. Then after that, Amanda (the goof). Then I found Jesus, and then a few years later he brought me Jenny (the sister to my soul), Jamie, and Heather. These women are gifts straight out of heaven. They have made my life better in so many immeasurable ways. They have bettered me. With out them I doubt I would be the woman I am proud to be today.

I am so proud of my sisters, so thankful that they are such wonderful women. They too have become part of my group of best women friends. AND I hope one day looking back they see, that even though they may not fit in now, they fit in with Jesus. I hope they see that... and that in reality God provided them with friends, they have more friends already than they know what to do with.. after all they do have 5 more sisters...

Just look up

2010-07-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked up at the night sky for more than just a few minutes?

If you haven't spent more than an hour gazing, I recommend that it is something you do.

Star gazing is one of my favorite past times. I used to spend so much time just searching the skies, that now, I forget how much I loved it. shooting, stars, the milky way, Orion.. Cassiopeia.. I have memories of life lived looking up at the stars. This last year.. I haven't spent much time doing this. Life gets busy, I feel to tired, a rainy night, and a few other excuses thrown in there, have made it so I just glance and walk on. I almost forget how at ease I feel spending time under the night sky.

Last night, while at my parents cabin in Tonasket, my mom called me outside. I had spent half the night inside because the outside was just too hot. When I went out.. my mom said, Kelli.. LOOK UP.

I did.I have never seen the sky look so amazing. So far away from the city, so clear, so bright.. I stared at the sky in awe for a while. Even though I was eaten alive by mosquitoes, I found my happy place.

Nothing more amazing than the night sky.

Before the morning

2010-04-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

After a long talk with God and a few requests he answered me with a song. Like usual.

Thought I would share the song as it is completely beautiful.

Josh Wilson's Before the Morning

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

God in the Eyes of a Three year old

2010-04-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

I want a faith like that of my child. Nevaeh has been my biggest reminder of Gods goodness in my life.

My daughter is growing up before my very eyes. I can't believe that her baby years are gone, and her toddler years are basically behind her. Shes not like any child I have ever known. My little girl is very special. I thought I would share with the internet world, just how amazing she is.

Last week I was upset about money issues. Basically not trusting that there will be enough, even though there always is. My little baby heard me praying and said mama I have money. She went to her purse, took her much coveted quarters out (.50 worth) and gave them to me. She said here mama here is my money I am giving it to you" She gave me all the money she had. To her it was a lot, even though it may seem like nothing it meant everything to me.

Not only is she incredibly giving, she loves God. About a month ago I rolled my new SUV into my dads truck. Cracking the bumper and knocking out my dads fog light. I was so mad. I started crying and acting completely ridiculous. I got back in my car and was screaming at myself. Poor Lil Nev. She quietly spoke up and said.. "mommy its OK. Gods gonna put a big band-aid on it." then she started to pray asking God to put a big band-aid on my car.
I started to cry worse. She reminded me of what was important. My car is just a thing. Not more valuable than her, not more valuable than God. The first thing I did was get angry, the first thing my kid did was turn to God. I feel such pride when thinking about it. I also feel like I gotta be more like my little girl.

Not only in this moment does my baby pray, but she likes to pray in general. Its pretty awesome how little people just love God. No doubt. Complete faith. My little Nev has the faith and she rocks it.

God is Good?

2010-01-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

Is God a good God? Recently that's a question I have heard a lot of. I've heard it from believing friends, non believing friends, and even from my own thoughts.

It’s hard to believe that God is good, from a certain point of view anyways. Human beings around the world suffer horrid events. Sometimes it seems that the random chance of where we are born determines how good God can appear. In third world countries and poor states of America natural disasters consume and destroy. In Africa people starve, die, and are forced into slavery. Around the world young women are forced into becoming Human traffic. Every day babies and children die of something that could have been easily cured.

How can a God who permits these things be truly good? Is often the question I ask myself. However, late its turned to be a question more like:

How can God, one so good like ours, love us for the things we do and don't do.

By chance I was born in America. By being born here, I was born to privilege. By this privilege alone GOD has called me to help those who aren't as lucky as me. It’s in people’s hands to help. Donating time, money, food, and other resources I alone could save one person’s life. By signing a petition to stop human trafficking, by not buying diamonds mined from slaves, I could stop one person from becoming a slave. If all of us participated we could change a lot of the way the world worked. If I vote, I can effect who is elected and who is my leader, and therefore I participate in changing the world.

In the worst ways I have heard individuals say they will not help because the ones who suffer do so willingly. They say they must suffer for one mistake, or for their parents mistakes, or for being born in a place where they are just so unlucky. These individuals are often ones, who could really make a big difference... I believe God tries and tries to speak into their lives yet they are stubborn and decide they shouldn't help because these people deserve to suffer.

WHY does GOD love people who do not take action? Why Does he love us for being such corrupt individuals we turn a blind eye to slavery? It’s because HE is good. God forgives us, he creates miracles in our everyday lives. It’s so easy to forget his goodness when we have become so accustomed to it. The very process of trees creating oxygen for us to breathe, a perfect amount of gravity for us to be able to walk on the surface of our earth, the perfect distance from the sun to Earth, the perfection of how babies are formed in the uterus... how are these not miracles, and pure expression of GODS goodness? He came here; he died for me, for you, for everyone. He suffered so that we may live. How is this not his goodness?

1 Timothy 1:12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service.

Do we people even try to live in Gods goodness, most of people don't participate. They blame, blame God, and say they aren't big enough to make a change so they don't even try.

I believe that, Yes even if we participated, some bad things would still happen. That is just part of being in a fallen world. Not one person can be perfect and because of this someone will suffer. Someone will be oppressed. BUT the goal is to use Gods goodness in our life to help others not just ourselves.

Obedience Is Love

2009-12-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight I can't sleep. I'm surrounded with swirls of ways I have failed God. Ways I do not trust him. Its infuriating to know that everything that has been difficult in my life has always found its meaning.. and in the long run.. been something good. But I still don't trust the plan. Trusting God irregardless of circumstance has always been my weak spot. I talk and talk about how I know it is.. and I do not change. Instead of changing.. seeking God when I am scared.. I ignore him. I do not talk to him, I punish him. Its ridiculous.

Right now a lot of things in my life seem to be sucky/stressful. Like always I have been having a very difficult time seeing past the suck/stressful stuff to see the hope. I do recognize how he has always been there for me before.. yet for some demented reason I doubt him now. My head keeps telling me.. this time.. Gods gonna let it all fall apart and make you pick up the pieces..

Then there's my soul.. it feels that God is there.. hes just taking his time. I don't feel like I've been very good at listening to him I've been deaf, blind, and dumb to his love lately. I am failing at the simplest parts of obeying Him. So tonight I decided I'm open to him. I'm waiting on him. I trust in him, and I will do what he asks.. whether or not I want to.

In rereading my blog.. I keep replaying the song While I'm waiting in my head. I even plan on singing it aloud to God.. kinda romancing him is the plan. Hoping that this time.. I wont fail in the trust department. I want to be more obedient to his will, and show him that I do love him.

While I'm Waiting lyrics

Artist: John Waller lyrics

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Beyond

2009-10-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Beyond our time

There must be something out there
Something beyond the vast unknown sky
Beyond the lies we hide
There must be something out there
Beyond the pain, beyond our time
Something within the light
Cant see the dark with out the light
Can't feel the cold with out the heat
There is no pain with out life
No love without sorrow
There must be something to find
No star no segment of time would shine
The snow cannot fall from a vacant sky
There must be something out there
Something that can't be seen
Just
There must be something beyond the great vacant sky

-written by me, at a time before I truly trusted and believed

Todays 'small' rant

2009-10-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

This is my rant after reading too much for school, too many news stories, and seeing many peoples facebook and/or myspace 'updates'. Keep in mind it's a rant of feelings, that I needed to express and get out.

Is it just me, or is it human nature to let the world effect my emotions so much. I feel as though everything is interconnected. Other peoples moods, actions, can change how I see the world, even how I see myself. Some days I see hope, but then there are days (which are most) I see and feel despair. I see a dying human race. One that believes itself to be indestructible, yet it destructs everything in its path.

I often think of the matrix when I think of humanity.
I think of what Agent Smith said about the human race : "I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure." I wonder how true this statement is. Do I believe this statement. Are humans a plague, and if so what is our purpose, why has God let us ruin so much of this perfect gift he gave us. I wonder if he gets sad at all, to watch us struggle.

I watch and see theories born, ones that make humans seem more 'God' like, and in control. And as this happens we deny that there is a need for a creator. We become existentialistic, there is no after life, no true purpose, so we struggle to make meaning out of the short existence we do have . Even those of us who believe in an afterlife, have existentialistic tendencies. We accumulate and accumulate, and horde, and somehow believe that what we accumulate (whether it be deeds, or material) will somehow bring actual meaning to our life. I hear, see, read, feel.. so many things that discourage me. Entitled we believe ourselves to be. Americans so independent. So much better than the world. Do we not see the interconnectedness of it all. How one huge mistake on our behalf, can change the face of the world.

Sometimes I feel like a helpless peon. I often think, can't beat 'em, join 'em. But I can't. I cant join. Never could, not fitting in is the way I find that I do fit in to this messiness of humanity. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that one person can make a difference. I see how Hitler made a huge impact.. how easy it was for him to make a horrid one in such a quick amount of time. Is it as easy to make a positive one? How does one go about doing so?

Do we truly find it so easy to believe we are better than something.. if not others. Example: Slavery.. how else can one justify slavery other than to say they are worth more than a particular set of people. Then when this particular thing (slavery or whatever it be) is the norm, how does someone feel its not right? How did the idea of women's rights even form, when for hundreds if not thousands of years, women were left with no rights. Who questioned these ideas, what made slavery bad, and women voting good?

With all these questions, I wonder what ideas do I buy into currently, that in one hundred, or a thousand years will be looked at as moronic. Is it the fact that I go to the store and justify buying a ten dollar set of head phones because its ten dollars regardless of the fact that it was made by slave labor, or by little children's hands? Can I really pretend that because I don't see horrible conditions that they don't exist? And since they obviously do, what can I and what should I do about them. Can this peon of a human see what's wrong, and actually choose to change it in myself, and educate others so that they feel as passionate about this change as I do?
I want to know what makes us tick, and what makes us follow along behind others bad choices, and then what makes some of us different, what makes the select few who make the big changes. How does that happen?

The actual question I have for myself after writing all of this, is can I be quiet. Can I be still. With so much motion around me, so much fast paced life, can I sit, and wait for Gods voice. Maybe if I could be still, I'd hear God tell me what I needed to change, and just knowing where he wants me, would make it so much easier, and I would feel so much more capable, less like an insignificant peon. So I am challenging myself. To moments of silence. Moments of stillness. More than just a minute, and more than just five. I want to silence all those doubts, I want to learn the art of being still in God.

Wanted : life partner

2009-08-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on Sunday just thought I’d share this journal entry:

Lately I have felt slightly alone. Wishing I had my own special someone. I have a running add in my head, kind of like a personal add. I guess my loneliness got to me when I saw Jen and Greg get married. They got married almost 5 years to the date after I did. And now I am not married. It was a bit disheartening for me. I wanted a companion, and now I am one of the few single people I know. Over the weekend I was reminded of God’s love for me, of his fight, and pursuit. I often say if I remarry or date, the guy I date will have to pursue me to no end. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that my companion is God. He is my partner, my helper, my confidant.

I haven't been a believer for very long, in my opinion I am still a toddler Christian... or a small child. I've believed for 7 years. I know I was still young when I discovered Gods love for me; however I will say it wasn't made easy. I denied and refused God very often. I would make excuses for the gifts he gave me and refute the possibilities of a God who loved me. I would argue against him. In every argument I had, I now find that those arguments are for him. I didn't see that then. It is so silly to me that one goes around denying the very existence of God.
When I was 17 I would have been so disappointed in my 26 year old self, but my 26 year old self sees how I needed God to pursue me in order to love him the way I do today. I got to find God all on my own. People pushed me, I'd push back. God knew me so well; he knew I loved a challenge. I took world religion classes, history courses at college, all to be able to fight the waves of Christians that bombarded me on a weekly basis. God knew that I was a seeker; he knew just how to draw me in. He found the right people to surround me with. He surrounded me with a very zealous group of Christians. They would challenge me, and I would challenge back. God sat back slowly waiting for me. I believed that most the Christians I encountered were brain washed sheep. He let me know I could do it on my own, with my own free will, and still be me, while loving him.

I find it funny to think back to how he won me over, the man at the gas station, the movie a walk to remember, and music. Most of all music, he broke me through music.
I've always loved the acoustic sound, and when I was 15 I had a theme song that I would play over and over on my CD player. My friend Cheryl gave me the CD. She didn't know who the artist was, and neither did I, but I loved that song. After a weekend trip to ocean shores, I ruined my CD, much to my dismay I could never find that song again. Saturday I was watching a movie with Nevaeh, and that song was in the back ground. I looked it up amazed at how beautiful I thought it still was. It was called let that be enough by Switchfoot.

I found this highly amusing. Switchfoot was the first Christian music band I liked, I fell in love with their music on the sountrack for a walk to remember, and was highly discouraged when I found out they were a Christian band. BUT I still bought their CD. Switchfoots music in some ways helped me to discover that I really did love God. And now that I know that song was by them, I see how enduring Gods pursuit of me was. I had wanted to find that song recently, but couldn't remember enough lyrics to look it up. After many years, God got my attention and reminded me that he was my partner, through a Kids movie. It was a nice surprise. I cried. I may try to run from his love often, but I can’t. I can’t escape it. I am so grateful, he is a pursuer and that he doesn’t give up.

God is my perfect companion. I don't need anything else.

Let That Be Enough Lyrics By Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Visual Purple

2009-08-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

Visual purple, I say these words to my little sister Sarah, and she looked at me confused. What is visual purple...? Did you make that up, you must have, she says to me. I explain to her its the idea that it takes time for our eyes to see at night.

Def :
Rhodopsin, also known as visual purple, is a pigment of the retina that is responsible for both the formation of the photoreceptor cells and the first events in the perception of light. Rhodopsins belong to the G-protein coupled receptor family and are extremely sensitive to light, enabling vision in low-light conditions. Exposed to light, the pigment immediately photobleaches, and it takes about 30 minutes to regenerate fully in humans.

After explaining to Sarah what visual purple was, she looked at me still confused, and said well explain your whole theory again.. the one you have that says life recently is like visual purple.

So I thought it would be fun to write out my feelings on life right now, and see how clearly I can make my new concept seem to myself, Sarah, and anyone else who may read this.
I've found it hard to adjust to the season I am in. I have had a tendency lately to feel sorry for myself. Which is a normal human inclination, I know. But God doesn't want me that way. Even if my life seems hard to me, in comparison to the rest of the world, I am seriously lucky. I have a vehicle, running/ clean water, electricity, grocery stores just a mile away that carry fresh produce and food, and I have quick access to medical attention. I am amazingly blessed. Yet I still find that adjusting to this new season of life is hard.
In the past two years I have seen a lot of hardships, economic downfalls, and people losing their homes, their marriages, and many other losses. I have also been blessed enough to see new marriages and new life be brought into this world. All this change that has occurred is amazing. It takes some adjusting to.

Some people have said to me that my current circumstances are just a temporary season. This may or may not be true. For the most part even if it wasn't true, life is just a season and when God calls me home all the stress will be over, end of season. My friend Monica brought up in my women’s group, what she heard at a leadership summit. She said the leader had a profound thought, and something she hadn’t really considered, he said “what if the economic hardships of America are not just a passing season. What if this is how it is”. Monica said something that has been spinning in my head for the past few days, “no matter what the season we find ourselves in we should always help one another”. There is always going to be someone better off than us and someone worse off than us. No matter our situation we should find a way to reflect God, and find away to help one another. If not financially, we should feel compelled to help in some way or another.
My visual purple for life is taking its time. Just like with my eyes, I have to be in the dark for a half hour to actually attain the ability to see well at night, maybe God wants me in this hard spot so I can see how to make my life, and others lives, better. Making it better doesn't mean having more things. It’s an attitude, an adjustment. So life is like the process of visual purple, I realize now the need to be in the dark in order to see the light. It’s a simple truth that I have found, the light is always there.

Divorce isn't for dummies

2009-07-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

July 2nd, tomorrow, marks the year anniversary of my Divorce to Shawn. Its crazy, because I still remember the day we got married, it seemed as close to me as yesterday. It was only an hour ago that I filed for separation, and a moment ago that I sat in the court room as the judge told me my marriage was now dissolved. It’s a very surreal feeling.

I don’t know exactly what I should be feeling today. Shawn and I have been apart for over two years, yet, some sadness about what happened still lingers inside my soul.

What exactly is divorce? Is it what the dictionary says? Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons.

Why do people get divorced, or do such awful things to one another, that divorce is the only sanctuary? Why is Divorce a rampant disease in the US. In general the US makes up for just under 5% of the world’s population. Our culture has somehow decided that divorce is an out dated old fashioned ridiculous notion. 68% of marriages end in divorce. Somehow we have taught our people that quick fixes, instant gratification is better than any long term goal. With this in mind, did we ever stop to think that since we told ourselves our first marriage was doomed to fail, because more than half of marriages do.. so its ok to be divorced and move on.. and then do we realize that with this thought process it makes statistics on 2nd and 3rd marriages even more viable. Second marriages at about 60% and marriages after that are at about a 75% divorce rate. It’s a silly notion to me. Why get married if we don’t want to try. I think some marriages should end. But not all marriages, and I very much doubt that 60 % of our marriages are all ‘bad’ marriages. Not all couples have an unfaithful partner, or an abusive partner. Why don’t we believe in being faithful? Being in a relationship, one that can last, and one that is good, is hard work. Why are we afraid of a little pain, sweat, and hard work? As a culture are we lazy? What is our culture, and what does it represent? What does it look like to the other 95% of the world?

With our country representing a very small population with the second highest divorce rate in the world, what about some of the largest populations, are they as likely to divorce? No. They are not. India is the second largest country, population wise, in the world. India holds 17% of the world’s population and only about 1% of people get divorced. WHY? If divorce really reflects the reality of the world, and that the idea of divorce is out dated, does this mean the US not living in reality? I looked into the views Indians seemed to carry, and generally I would say Indians have a fairly practical view of marriage. Most of their society is based on a tolerance for different belief structures and the recognition that no one really gets along at all times. Overall this would result in a more positive outlook on marriage. Also, gender roles seem to be more clearly defined there. This results in less conflict on a day to day basis.

Maybe it’s the laws of divorce. Maybe our lawmakers have made it easier for us. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted. There are many types of divorce, No-fault, fault, mediated, collaborative, and uncontested. 49 out of 50 states in United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws, with grounds for divorce including incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require such proof of fault. In the United States, only New York State still requires fault for a divorce. With only one state having a fault based divorced, this makes for a lax set of regulations. We can get divorced because we got bored, because we got lazy.

I’ve also seen women blamed for the rising rate of divorce. In countries where women have a lot of rights, the divorce rate is higher. But perhaps in countries that aren't divorcing, that have smaller divorce rates, perhaps those people aren't happy, or were forced to marry?
Should marriage even be about happiness?

Do we really believe it’s someone else's job to make us happy? If they don’t, we divorce them, and move onto the next person to make us happy? No one will ever make us happy. Happiness is a daily choice. It happens with in ourselves, not outside of ourselves.

Maybe I shouldn’t be asking why we divorce or what causes divorce. Perhaps I should be asking, the why of why are we marrying? Maybe if we knew more about ourselves, about how hard relationships were, we would marry less, but also divorce less. Again I ponder is marriage out dated. I don’t think it is. If marriage was out dated, people wouldn’t have the desire to have a mate, or partner. We all desire partnering up, having fellowship, some of us have friends for life, so why can’t we have a mate for life? I believe marriage is good and should be done for all the right reasons, not all of the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t for dummies, or for lazy people, it’s a lifelong effort.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I got divorced. I went into the idea with a heavy heart. I feel the day I got my decree stamped, that God lost a war. But I also felt free. Free from the lies my Ex fed me. If I would have stayed married, I’d still be separated. My ex didn’t have a faithful heart. I have a jealous heart. I can’t share my spouse. I was greedy for him, and because of this, I had to leave. He was never greedy for me. I needed him to be faithful, loving, and greedy in his love for me. We needed to be free from the hurt that we caused one another. Free to find the truth about what a good relationship should be. I hope and pray that when I remarry, my next partner feels the way I do about marriage. That it’s hard. That you have to be there for one another, and that you never leave a partner behind.

Inspired -Waiting and Seeing

2009-06-18T08:03:00.001-07:00

What inspired my blog below was a wonderful song called Wait and see by Brandon Heath.

The following are the lyrics, Enjoy!

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth

Chorus

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Chorus

Its getting Hotter, or is that everyone else?

2009-06-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown.

The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.

I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.

But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.

World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?

If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.

I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.

Tears, Laughter, the same thing?

2009-06-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?

I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.

I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.

Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.

I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.

I also want to adopt a kid.

I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.

These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.

Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?

Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?

I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.

There are so many wants...

God, what is it that you want from me?

Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.

Daydreaming about star trek and other things

2009-05-31T18:32:00.001-07:00

Why can't Star Trek be reality. It seems like the federation had a great goal, Ugh. Perhaps I enjoyed that movie too much, it has me day dreaming entirely to much. Wishing I wasn't so human. I find myself wishing us Humans would learn a thing or two from Star Trek. Is it possible for humans to survive self-destructive ways, to solve the problems we have here, collaborate, and work together as a species?
Sure, the humans in the show and movie are always getting into fights but Earth in the "Star Trek" universe is an egalitarian, Utopian planet. The vision that Star trek seems to gleam toward is that we Humans would use our time and talents to explore the universe in a peaceful manner. It seems that the message star trek producers give us is that if we could get past our petty fights and stupid wars, and worked together we would go where no one has gone before.
Since star trek, and Star fleet is an imaginary example, I ponder the existence of any peaceful beings that grace the Earth's surface. Is an example of peace the Amish societies? Can we learn to live the way they do, at peace with ourselves and our neighbors? At peace with the essence of the human condition?

After all this I wonder still.. what is the human condition?

Lately I feel doomed to inherit the condition of being human. I wish perhaps I was Vulcan.. free of emotion. But unfortunately, that is a huge day dream. I am so full of emotion, Its locked into who I am. I fear that my emotion or humanity will over run me, and I too, will become like the people I once admired, whom I now, don't even respect.
Is the human condition one of doom, of sickness? Do we become monsters and always make monstrously hurtful decisions?

I read the following on page 71 of East of Eden by John Steinbeck. "I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads and tiny bodies; some are born with no arms, no legs, some with three arms, some with tails or mouths in odd places. they are accidents and no one's fault, as used to be thought. Once they were considered the visible punishments for concealed sins. And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul? Monsters are variations from the accepted normal to a greater or less degree. As a child may be born without an arm, so one may be born without kindness or the potential of conscience. A man who loses his arms in an accident has a great struggle to adjust himself to the lack, but one born without arms suffers only from people who find him strange. Having never had arms, he cannot miss them. sometimes when we are little we imagine how it would be to have wings, but there is no reason to suppose it is the same feeling birds have. No, to a monster the norm must seem monstrous, since everyone is normal to himself. To the inner monster it must be even more obscure, since he has no visible thing to compare with others. To a man born without conscience, a soul-stricken man must seem ridiculous. To a criminal, honesty is foolish. you must not forget that a monster is only a variation, and that to a monster the norm is monstrous."

His words stick out, they say so much, so effectively. Its an almost answer to my ponderings, and yet not at all.
Is there a possibility for monsters to not exist? For peace and cooperation amongst humans? Is it possible for us not to be corrupted? I look inward, at my own failures and short comings and I sigh. I sigh because I realize how I am not even a step in the right direction. I have done so many things that are monstrous, I have allowed the human condition to affect me.
Sigh. I can only change me, and hope that one day the world will change too.

Going through the EMOtions

2009-04-15T08:29:00.001-07:00

A good majority of my younger days I spent time dwelling in my sorrow. I loved sorrowful books, poems, and things that helped me feel like crying was normal. My favorite saying is one of sadness. It comes from the book the joy luck club and is how I got the name for this blog, swallowing more sorrow than coca cola. I always found it an untrue statement for myself, but one that amused me. I consider myself a person who does like to dwell in the sorrow, and drink it up, but since I love Coca cola so much and drink it so often, I just never thought it could be possible to swallow more sorrow than the coca cola I drank. I felt it was important to know my emotions. If I really felt through my circumstances I would understand me better.

In my recent days, or this past two years, I've turned off my emotions. I felt I had to many to deal with. Its too hard to feel everything. So much sorrow I had to swallow and digest, so much more than coca cola at that time, so much anger, confusion, fear, and at the same time the joy of being a mother and having wonder friends and family. With so much emotion coming at me, I started to avoid it. What I once enjoyed swimming in, the way I used to know myself, and understand my life, I started avoiding. Not only did I avoid my emotions, I strayed away from sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I became less and less myself.

If a bad memory or stressful situation has come across my table, I look at it and ignore it. I turn off the parts of me that have to feel it. I shut down. I feel I have been gone for the past two years. I have slowly been resurfacing. With me slowly returning, I could still try to avoid some emotions. However events have happened that have forced me to confront my situation. To force me to confront and deal with my emotions. I decided last night to let myself cry. To embrace the suckyness along side the goodness.

I have to accept that my husband abandoned me.
I have to accept that I am now a single mother.
I learned to accept that I need to reach to God for companionship always first and foremost
I accept that my life is a giant teeter totter lead by God.
I accept that I need to be ok with feeling sad,
and I also need to remember that I should never swallow more sorrow than coke, I need to find the joy in between.

I have been blessed iin my life. I realize just how lucky I really am. I am in my book one of the luckiest people I know. Even with this said, I accept that I am allowed to feel the sting of sadness. I think God knew I was prone to weepiness, prone to sorrow, and he bested me with some really good armor. Lately I reckognize this armor in the form of my bestest friend Jenny. She may be a bit of an emo wreck as well, but she embraces it. She rocks the emotion. Then lets it go and sees how truely shiny and happy everything can be. The potential for good in her world is that of an innocent child. I have never felt this way about life, I have always seen the potential for bad and worse, and I know that God gifted me her, so I could be shown the potential GOD wants seen.

Here is a poem that is an evolution from an old poem I wrote about pain

Its called Pain

Often I wonder about pain
How it causes weakness to form in the heart
Curiously I cry pondering the possibilities
Can I wear a mask to hide that which obviously deforms me
With no resolution I slowly become all that is sadness
I wonder what why I was doomed to feel so much
For what reasons why I valiantly protect my anguish
Is it because I am corrupt with in my very soul
Is my own mind so chaotic, so troubled
That I must hide it away from everyone including myself
Why must I always react in a way that ignores my essence
Does it truly matter that there are defects that can be seen
This moment I was made to be full of sorrow
Perhaps next time it will be full of joy
Accepting this ache is all I feel convicted to do
No longer will I allow the mask of pain to wear me

Nevaeh

2009-04-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

My lil girl is almost Two and a half years old. She will be officially so in 18 or so days. It is amazing how fast time goes. It was just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant, and a moment ago when she was born. I know that in a blink of an eye she will be grown up.

Nevaeh is one of a kind. It is obvious to me that she is going to grow up to be a lion, she bosses everyone around, and is a serious control freak. She often tells people no, and goes about her business in a very deliberate fashion.

I thought it would be fun to share her insanities with the world. Or better put, her strange behaviors.

Any insect or arachnid, except for a fly, is called a spidermans

She is most afraid of a fly, when she sees one she runs and screams.. fi.. fi.. fi.. fi...

Soda is called popcorn

She loves to sing strange songs, just yesterday sge made up a song, with the words, I see the moon moon , I love you moon

She loves her jersie and bosses her around all the time

She hates being in her car seat, she fights to get out of it the entire time shes in it

Her favorite show is Dora the explorer

She likes to talk to me on the phone when I am gone, she plays the I love you more game with me. We yell I love you more, then finally I say I love you equally and she says I love you icky.

Shes so independent now that she has to pick her own outfits, if I want her to wear something I have to convince her that its amazing.

She recognizes people in pictures, even people she doesn't see that often. My best friend Krystal hasn't seen neve for over two months now and Neve saw a picture of her today and said ook mommy kysta. She call karissa 'kissa' and always calls Tannan 'tannan micheal'. She even recognizes peoples cars. At church she pointed to Jennys car, and at that moment I was unaware that she could even do that.

I am lucky because of this independence. She loves to do what I do, and do it by herself. She wants to sweep, clean up floors, do laundry, and take care of me when I don't feel very good.

Its strange to me that my little princess was born so huge. She was a giant newborn, and now is a petite two year old.

She is the most amazing little person I have ever known. I am blessed to be her mother.

its a matter of time

2009-03-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense? Like everything you do is just a battle that is going to be lost anyways.
Struggle our way to the top, lie, cheat, steal, betray one another, all just for a chance to get ahead.

We find out we have a terrible disease and nearly kill ourselves to cure and rid ourselves from it.

We wrinkle and fill our faces with poison, cut our flesh off to lift it up, all to just look as though we haven't aged.

We fight so hard to stay alive, and not a single one of us defies death in the end. We can't fight that. Its only a matter of time and we all die.

Even when we reckognize the fact that we are going to die someday, we have a tendancy to use that as justification to act badly. To party, or to do something that oneday we would truely regret. We justify our bad behavior by saying lifes to short to not 'live'.

So much of what we base value on is based on how we look, how much education we have, and how much money we make. It so backwards.

In the end nothing we gained in life actually matters. Not a single material possession or a single dollar we spent or owed.

The only thing that matters is what we believe in and how we lived that out.

Living it out is whats hard. Life gets in the way. Being Human gets in the way.

Jesus Love is Hard. ITs a daily struggle.

I question if the majority of Christians even understand Jesus Love. We can say we do, and put on a show, but do we really?

It is irritating how I act sometimes, its irritating how others act sometimes. Today I had a hard time seeing the point of it all. This big mess we make. Some of us our so phony, sometimes I am so phony. I call myself a christian and yet my actions fail to match. I don't want it. I want to live out what I say. I want to live out everything I write about, everything I care about.
Jesus Loved us to DEATH. Do we love him the same? Do we even come close? I have a hard time believing that the majority of humans even come close. Not even 1% of the way. Its just my beleif, and could be due to my dismay and loss of faith in human kind.

I am so grateful God puts up with us. That his is giving and his love is unconditional. Cuz if I were in his shoes... I would have sent a big meteor our way and blew us retarded humans into oblivion.

veg... going... going.. gone

2009-03-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Last month before I turned the big 26, I found myself in an old pattern, Vegetarianism. Over the last few months I bought vegetarian meats to cook for myself, but when I was with other people, I would still eat meat. My slow transition back into vegetarianism, is probably one many people could have seen coming. By the time February rolled around, it was getting harder and harder to continue to be a meat eater.

When I was 12 I became a vegetarian. I remained this way until I became pregnant with my daughter Nevaeh. At the request of my then husband and OBGYN I started to eat meat. I had been a vegetarian for nearly 12 years. I was always a very sensitive and picky eater. I remember the last day I ate fish, I was 5, and had just figured out what fish sticks were. Same with anything else that lived underwater. By the time I was 12 my mother let me have my way and allowed me to be picky.

I am not a vegetarian for health reasons, even though it would be nice to say I was. I am because I can hardly stand the thought of eating an animal. It saddens me. I can't stand the thought of killing another creature, one that can feel, just to feed me. There are so many other types of food sources available, it just doesn't seem necessary to me. I am not saying I am against farming, well I am against big farms, but small farms are ok. I am not against other people eating meat, I am just saying it truely isn't for me.

Alot of people do not understand this. With in christianity, I get the typical, well God allows for it BS. My reply is he also calls for good stewardship of our animals and mass farming isn't good stewardship at all. God also created other food sources, thus I don't think he really cares if I am a vegetarian or not. Other people who dont understand just dont understand why I care so much for the animal. I just do. I over think everything. Its almost impossible to turn off my ever spinning brain.

Anyways... I have officially gone back to my ways. And honestly its difficult to not go full board this time, to go vegan. However, I can't give up cheese, and even if rice cheese could satisfy my love for regular cheese, I could never give up honey, and to be an official vegan you can't even eat honey!

Ghosts of Birthdays Past

2009-02-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

I was born on February 19th, 1983, sometime in the early morning. My mother was just sixteen at the time, but she birthed me out on her eldest brothers birthday. My uncle Maury and I are 21 years apart. Growing up, it was the best thing I believed could happen to me. Sharing my birthday with a beloved Uncle.
I not only got to share my birthday with my uncle, but a close friend I called my cousin, BJ. He was two years older than me and our mothers were close friends. Whenever we celebrated our birthdays he would always ruin the cake. After the birthday song had been sung, and the candles taken out, he would throw his face into the cake. I never understood this ritual but looking back at it I laugh. I miss him.
One of my most significant birthdays was my 16th. My mom got 2 hotel rooms and allowed me to invite some friends. I remember that I wante Heather to be there, and I didn't think she would be. We were out shopping in the University district and when I leave the Barnes and Noble, there she was. My Feather running at me full speed with arms wide open. It was a good day.

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary, just another passing day in reality. The only ting that kept reminding me it was the day I was born, was the constant texts from my wee sisters. Happy Happy Day, Karissa kept texting. Even her sister inlaw wished me a happy day.
And it was a happy day. In retrospect I know I had been dreading this day. As of yesterday I was no longer considered to be in my young to mid twenties, I am now in the mid-late twenties group. Its weird. I am that much closer to being 30. I remember being 12 and thinking how old 30 sounded. Now that Im here, I just don't feel old. I know alot of people, especially those under 22ish believe your life is over by the time your 30. If you haven't gotten everything you want by then.. well its too late cuz everything is down hill from there on out. I feel that is such crap. I feel youthful on the inside. I am in comparison to the average age of Americans, young. I still have alot of life left, and after yesterday I realized just how excited I am that life is still in its begining stages.
The things that did bother me a bit yesterday was my longing to see my uncle Mo. I used to spend every birthday with him. And it just felt like something was missing. Yesterdays passing even went with the thought of BJ and how my heart just saddened at the thought of the possiblity I may never see him again.
I look forward though. I am looking forward to living to my 50h birthday, my 80th, and if I'm so lucky, my 100th. I've had so many wonderful birthdays. So many times I wish I could just revisit. Looking forward to what the future birthdays may bring, is a happy thought for me. I am hopeful that one day I will get to see my cousin throw his face in my birthday cake, and my uncle and I being sung at together once again.

Containment

2009-02-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking alot about my beliefs lately. About God. I complain and complain about how we put him in a Box. I complain about how complicated we make God, how all of the sudden in our society he becomes unreachable. We are afraid of him, hes a right winged prolife republican anti Obama God who wont love us if we don't fit the ALL American Mold. I get frustrated because I am none of those things. I have a love for my country. I feel it aspires at all the right things, and fails at the worst of them. We create this God of fear. So our Loving Jesus gets lost in the mess.
I have a love for God, and yet I find I contain him as much as other people do.

He is never big enough to solve a problem.
He is never the first one I turn to when I am in need.
Easily ignored, and second Guessed. Because he is unseen by me I must be to invaluable for him to even acknowledge.

I'm not saying I feel unloved by God. Or that I don't feel the Grace of Jesus at every minute. I'm saying that I am beginning to realize that I too put containers on my God. I don't allow him in to every aspect of my life. I put my own spin on what he is. He is big enough to do task X, but since Y is different God doesn't apply.

Yesterday this thought was really pushed into motion. I was in Seattle and at the Westlake mall their were Five or Six demonstraters on the corners of the main street. They were holding signs that read things like "for the wages of sin is death" and shouting things about how people were going to go to hell. As I walked past these demonstraters, I was holding hands with my sisters. There were so many people downtown that if we weren't strung together, we would have ended up on opposite sides of the street. Well one of these people saw us holding hands, and started yelling about our sexual sin. He said confess now, lesbianism is Wrong. He yelled some other obscenties my way, and then began to yell at other people. He yelled at the people with multi colored hair and a woman wearing an obama shirt.

I feel that the only thing he succeeded at was driving people away from God. Not toward God. This man judged on appearence. He knew none of us. Yet he felt compelled to call a black pot pink? He didn't get it. He didn't get how Gods Love is bigger than the apperance. He contained Jesus to a small and narrow box and thus showed other people that don't understand or know God yet.. that God is narrow minded.
I read a womans, who will remain nameless, blog about how she is super Christian. She believes that the United States is Gods nation, that white people are Gods people. She offends me. However I find alot of people fall victim to this thought. They beleive that this is a christian nation, we deserve to be great, we deserve the best and its ok to trample on other nations or other people with different beliefs or people who are different from us. Its not only our nation who believes this, other people around the world believe that their religion of choice is right, that their nation and its beliefs are superior. Its just disguisting to me, to box ourselves, or Our God in. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, or whatever religion you find yourself belonging to.. the God in each emphasis Love and thinking beyond what we know, compassion, patience and morality.

I find the human race in general to be a disgusting thing. I like in the matrix how the Smith character compares us to a Virus. Populating one area until the resources are gone, then moving on to destroy the next. I get frustrated at people, and our disgusting ways. Our beliefs, how mean we are to one another, how quickly we show just the opposite of what God teaches. God teaches love, and we show hate. We claim to be christians, and we live a false life, quoting verses at people on the streets, yet we don't abide by any of those things in truth.

I start to believe that God must find us disgusting as well. How can he look down on all the good things he has given us and watch us destroy them? He is doing nothing to stop us from being completely crooked.! He must not care.! Right? Hes done nothing... does no one see what is going on here? This thought takes me over. I become like a Zombie. Ignoring the world. Too offended by it to even look up.

POOF. God hits me. He tells me to stop putting the world, its people, and Him especially into this little box that contains little socks that read one size fits all. He is not a container!

God has been making it pretty obvious. Its like lightening striking. It hits me. I see it. I see it, other people have seen it. We are just too afraid to stand up to the wrong doings. God did think outside of the Box, he put me in situation X to try to change it, yet I didn't see that. I just thought he was too small to fix it, that he didn't do anything. But then I realize, he did. He loved me, hes showed me his love. He wants me to point the way to him.

I disgust myself. I can act all right and all moral, but God sees my heart. I want to have a heart that is like Gods. I don't want to box God in any more. I want to see the oppertunities he is giving me and use them. I want to live with a passion, to stop being the zombie I know I have been.

Sub Sandwich Type Memories

2009-02-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since my last post. I honestly don't have much to say right now. I've been writing paper after paper for school, and all my creative juices have left my finger tips. However, at the request of my Crispy McFeather, I will jot down something that makes me smile whenever I think of it.

Many, Many years ago, when my friend Heather still lived in Washington, I went to Jetty Island with her, her dad, and her two brothers. It was the summer time, and her family picked me up from my home. They had packed snacks, and her dad wanted to get sandwhiches from the Sub Place near our home. I had never had a sub before. I rembember feeling leary as they bought these sandwhiches. I remember asking Paul (Heathers dad) what a sub was. I know I didn't think it was a sandwich.

After our stop at the subshop, we headed straight to Jetty Island. I had never been there before, and I know Heather had. I remember her telling me how great it was. According to Heather, however, alot of things where either really great, or not at all. I remember she told me that we would be taking a boat ride to the island. I remember envisioning something spectacular and amazing. When we got to the parking area of the Marina, and walked to the loading area for Jetty Island, I saw the boat. It was a simple transport boat. Nothing grand like I had envisioned, but to Heather, it was still amazing.

When we got to the island one of the first things we did was eat. Heather and I shared a sandwhich, so whatever was on it was picked by her, but I rember that first bite. That first bite is whats been wrong with me for the last 14 or so years. I am in love with Sub type sandwhiches. They are one of my favorite foods. Just the idea of them makes me drool... ahhhh.. YUMM!

After we were finished esting, we walked around the shore. I remember feeling like an explorer with my best friend by my side. I remember thinking it was a pretty area. But my fondest memory I can't fully remember. I rember bits and peices, and I wish I could remember more. I know that Heather and I were walking out in the water, to see how far we could go. The shallow water seemed to go on forever, we walked and walked until shore seemed millions of miles away and the water never passed our waists. At some point in our walk, one of flung sand at the other. I remember reaching into the water, to grab the sand below my toes, and shoving it in her face. We were laughing and screaming. Wrestling, neither of us willing to submit or loose. This is what made us both loose however. We had shoved so much salt water in eachothers mouths that we began to puke. I remember puking for a long time. I remember thinking that it totally sucked. However, even though our day ended up vomit filled, I still beleive that day to be one of the best days I have ever had.

My childhood memories are often very vague, many details missing, and I wish I could remember them better, even this one. I long to remember what it was we were screaming as we shoved sand in each others faces. I long to see my friend, to hold her hand, to feel like an explorer again. To this day that is the only time I have been to Jetty island. I plan every year to go, but for some reason it just wouldn't feel the same with out my Heather. I don't want to go back until she comes with, so it may be another decade until I see that place again.

Realizations

2008-12-30T08:58:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up. Today I realized I was afraid. Afraid to be me. Afraid to live. I find defeat in everything and anything. I find I feel that success or peace is not meant to be mine. I want it.. but yet I feel I am one of those doomed people who will never have it.

I have a song I've been listening to. The first part describes exactly how I feel right now. And since I can't seem to get it out on my own... here it is

"Soul Meets Body" By death cab for cutie

I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a placewhere they’re far more suited than here

There is much more to the song... but those parts are exactly how I feel. I don't feel like my ideas are suited for me. I don't feel like I can even do anything. I feel failure before I've begun.

Obviously I am struggling with a lack of trust in God. Moreover a trust in who he made me. Its like I don't want to be me anymore.

More than that even I am disappointed in me. God made me different. Unique in so many ways, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. I have become complacent. Accepting... that this is the way life is. I find I am going with the flow, following the rules of the world, not my own, not Gods. I hate lemmings, and I feel I have slowly let myself become one. I see the worldly ways and see people have success from it. I envy this. I want it for myself. Yet the only thing keeping me from jumping full on the band wagon is the fact that God has made me different. I know I would never be happy being like everyone else... and I've tried.

I am still trying. I feel the sting from being unable to be like 'normal' people. I don't own a house, or a nice car. I am a single, divorced mom, of one. I don't have the 2.5 kids, 2 car garage, or the husband. Even if I'm not supposed to because I'm divorced, theres still the sting from the constant singleness. Since I am single I'm supposed to be on ther prowl, or dating. Then theres the I'm single and pretty factor, which causes alot of people to ask, why aren't you out meeting people at clubs. Why aren't you out getting wasted. I'm not doing any of these things. I don't want to. But I feel like I should be doing these things. And I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know who made all thes darn rules about what I should be doing with my life. I want to know why I stuff my wants away and accept what the world wants for me.

Rawr. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I don't like me at all.

Insanity. Becoming a lemming. Running away from who I am.

I just read a blog by a girl named Kellie Hazen. Or A note or poem. It was beautiful. She asked when was she gonna be more like God. Thats the perfect question. The question I need to be focusing on. Not focusing on being like the world, focusing on being more like God. Being more like the way he made me.

I dont

Snow Daze

2008-12-24T00:48:00.000-08:00

So for the past Seven days, I have been snowed in. Thats right. At first It was great. Beautiful, fun, white, clean, wonderful SNOW. But today its a drag. I've become stir crazy and worse yet, forced to dwell on thoughts I otherwise don't deal with.

The snow does start off all wonderful. I snows while I sleep, I wake up and realize... well I'm stuck at my house. YES... STUCK. I'm not like most lucky people, I don't live next to civilization or on a county road. My road, doesn't get plowed, or sanded, and while most people are able to leave their own driveways, my car gradually became covered in 18" inches of SNOW!

My parents took me to their house for the first Three days. I quaded, kept entertained, enjoyed Jennys party on friday. Then to my dismay, I got frustrated. I quickly realized just how lucky I was before this fatal snowfall. I could go anywhere I wanted on a whim. A drive, to shop, to go get a coffee... but now I can't. Its amazing how quickly us Humans adapted to instant mobility.. and how hard it is for me.. to unadapt.

I have been forced to sit at home, watch movies, journal, text, and worst of all THINK. I don't even know why, but I hate thinking about my life right now. Its a burden. If I can avoid the reality of my situation... I do! Its difficult. I have been successful at not worrying, which is a huge feat for me, but me doing this successfully means, for me, that I avoid even thinking about it. Now I'm not gonna get into it all.. I'm just going to say its a God thing. God sent this Snow... maybe for me... maybe for alot of us.. but I like to think.. for me.. to force me to think about my life.

Today, by the grace of God, my dad decided to clear my road. He told me he didn't think I'd make it all the way out to Highway 9. I had to try. I got in the car, cruised up the road, made it up the hill.. only to have my car get stuck on ice... ! I had to be towed out. I could see the highway. I was almost free. But I wasn't, it was Gods way of showing me where he felt I was. It was so not AWESOME! To see it Gods way. Here I am always thinking I am right, believing I am perfect, that I got it right, all the way to his highway, that I was living the way he wanted. But then again, now in reflection I know I am not. I went stir crazy, but in the midst of it all, I cried. The reality was I didn't want to get out of my house, I wanted to get out of my own Brain. If I can't even deal with reality, if I have to escape, somethings not right.

So I must submit now. To the forces against me. To the forces that want my betterment. I submit to Gods love. He wants me here, he knows I need to be here, I just have to hear it now... I need to embrace Gods love.

Empty

2008-12-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

So here is my new poem. Its kind of depressing as I am trying to be positive and happy... I still find it really easy to be...

Sorrowful

So my poem is called Empty

Enjoy!

My thoughts cannot be tuned by fading heart
cancer has striken my soul
It feels as though water has flooded my lungs
and my life torn apart
Aching, dying, last breathe, I'm thrown to the coal
this battle for me so lost
I see now that Im the one who is to blame
the searing lights lost their rung
Everything fallen apart, nothing the same
who I am, not what I was
Can you cure this disease of a dying soul
are you even listening
Beautiful disasters of life created by you
empty ignored, and unloved
I wait for you, restore this small empty crate
full cherished, and loved by God
Even when all I truely am isn't worthy
God will you restore this shame

Twilight Experience

2008-12-10T07:50:00.000-08:00

For those of you who do not know, I became a serious fanatic of the Twilight series over the last year. I read all the books, saw the movie more than once and even dreamt of being bitten. However this blog isn't a critique on my favorite set of novels, or new favorite movie. Its about how easy it is to hope, to believe in something as non existant as Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Nothing about him is real, yet people around the world, have become facisnated with him as though he was real. Now I am not saying people truely beleive in him. But what I am getting at is the fact that it is so easy to beleive in something as make beleive as a vampire, yet the belief in God is often criticized. God has become the stuff of fiction. Science seems to try to exist with out faith. With out hope.

Hope isn't always easy. Neither is faith. To beleive in something you can not see and something you do not understand takes courage. I would have to say that reading a ficitonal book and becoming an avid fan gave me hope that people, perhaps, weren't lost at all. I believe God has just become harder for us HUMANs to see. His love, goodness, patience, mercy, joy, faithfullness, has been drowned out by our media, by our own negative thoughts.

Humans are programed to remember pain... it keeps us alive. iT keeps us from repeating deadly mistakes. So its easy to sit in front of the TV, or read the news paper and take in all the bad. For every 10 negative stories we hear about there might only be one positive one. We feed on the fear, on the negativity. We dont see the miracles. We see people loosing their homes, going hungry, terrorism in hotels, wars brewing... so we ask.. HOW could God allow all of this. God isn't good. He can't possibly exist in a world this bad, and if he does, he must not love us.! Right?

I feel bad for God sometimes. He gets a bad rap. He gets lumped in with us Humans. Just because we are bad. If we do something terrible, God gets blamed. The opposite doesn't tend to happen. Someone gets a great job with benefits an great pay and buys a beautiful house, they say I am so glad I got that education and that I worked so hard. God isn't part of why those things happened, yet when that same someone looses their home and job.. they say why God... WHY!

I believe now that you have to give people hope, feed them miracles, and then God would become easier to see. Our world drowns out hope. The one we have accepted any way. The majority of us have accpeted that miracles just dont happen anymore. Some of us have fought. Some of us keep fighting. We used to have shows like fact or fiction, unexplained mysteries, Real life miracles, but those shows have disappeared. I believe small shows like that, will keep people curious. Keep people hopeful.
I believe hearing about miracles, something unexplained will light a fire in a person. Keep them alive in the soul. I would call this the Twilight experience. Just reading about it would make you want it to happen to you.! So as member of our society, we should keep trying to find a way to feed other people hope. I want to do the same, I will do the same. I will work hard to focus on the good.. and faith wont seem so hard. Hope will become easy, and miracles they would happen daily.

My friend Heather told me last night that it snowed in Texas.! It took a lot of faith to just believe her text, but then I saw the pictures, and then I beleived. My point being it takes faith to believe. Sometimes we wont always be allowed to see the snow.. but faith.. makes believing.. and believing creates hope.

If we can believe it snowed in Texas, and that Edward Cullen truely is the perfect boyfriend, I think we can believe that God is Good and that he loves us. Its time for all of us to have a Twilight experience.

Police Agility Test

2008-12-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

So Saturday, thats tomorrow, I go in for a police officer agility test. I have been practing for the test. I had talked to several other candidates looked online and got the minimum passing requirements. I trained enough to be able to pass those.

The minimum requirements were 30 situps in sixty seconds. The situps being brutal. You start off flat on you back, knees straight up, and hands clasped behind your neck. As you come up into the situp your elbows must touch your knees, and as you go down your knuckles must touch the ground. You can not bounce. Someone will also be holding your legs in place.

Then you must to as many consequtive pushups as possible. minimum is 21. You must be as flat as possible and go down 4" from the ground and then all the way back up, to where your arms are completely straight.

Then there is the 300 meter sprint, which is nearly one lap around the track. The minimum time is 71 seconds.

Finally ther is the 1.5 mile run. The minimum time to complete this run is 14:31.

If you don't pass any of these by the minimum you instantly fail. So if I do the the minimum I keep moving on to each physical test. However this doesn't mean I get a passing grade. AND I just found this out this week. THe minimum wont give me enough points to move on. I have to increase everything. Now this isn't easy. As it takes time to get faster, muscle, and the building of strength and endurance.

I need in order to pass to do 28 push ups, 4more than I currently am able to do. 34 Situps, in sixty seconds, 4 more than I practiced, and I barely made 30 in sixty seconds! I need to run the sprint in 63 seconds, nearly 8 seconds faster than I can now... and I am running darn hard. And I need to do the 1.5 mile in 14 minutes I can currently do it in 1420. This sucks for me. They are all small adjustments but in running seconds are hard to makeup and catch up. In the sprint, I am running already as hard as I can, I can't imagine going any faster but I have to inorder to move on.

So right now I am discouraged. I know I won't pass. I may come close, but I wont move on tomorrow. So yeah, it sucks.!

Memories

2008-12-04T07:26:00.000-08:00

When I think back to my road to becoming enviromentally aware, animal friendly, and in love with all things natural, I realize my journey didn't start this year it started many moons ago. I remember shopping with my childhood bestfriend, Heather, when we were young. I'm not entirely sure how old, but it was before either of us could drive. Heather always had crazy ideas. She danced freely, loved independently and with out borders, and well most everything about her is unique, even the way she taught me to shop. Well we were in some store, lets cal it walmart, and we were probably arguing about what deodarants smelled better or which soaps were better for your skin. As we argued in this section of the store, she turned over the package she was holding, so I did the same. In my head I was ready for the competition, I thought she wanted to see the ingrediants and compare them. I was wrong, as soon as I turned my package over, she put hers back on the shelf and went to the next item. I asked her what she was looking for, she was looking for the words 'proctor and gamble'. She said if it had those words, she didn't want to buy the item. I asked her why and she explained to me that this company was a major sponsor in animal testing. She wanted to buy a creulty free product.

I don't think that before that moment I had really thought about the items I used. I didn't even realize that shampoos or toothpastes may have been used on an innocent kitty or puppy to get approved for me to use. Ever since that moment, I always turn the items around looking to see if it says not tested on animals or I look for the leaping bunny symbol which tends to mean the product is vegan as well as not tested on animals.Its strange how certain people set the pace for the rest of your life, how one event can effect you for forever and influence even the smallest of habits, my consumer habit.

I disagree with animal testing. If you have to test it to see if its going to burn someones skin off you probably shouldn't be using that dangerous chemical. Whats wrong with using natural ingredents, ones we have know about and have cleaned ourselves, our homes, prettied up our faces with for the last few thousand years? This new obsession with better feeling hair (chemicals killing your cells, in order to give the illusion of soft hair) or softer skin (aluminum entering you pores, opening them to give the illusion of soft skin) seems very shallow to me.

So if you are at all interested in finding out what products are not tested on animals visit leapingbunny.org. They have a list of make-up, household products, hair care, and body care vendors that are all animal cruelty free.

Aching week

2008-11-17T17:59:00.001-08:00

So its been a while since my last post. I have alot on the brain and for some reason or another can not get it out in any meaningful or comprehensive way. **SIGH**

Well for those of you who don't know, tomorrow I am going in to take a civil service examination. Its basically a psychological examination of my thinking and its to see if I can think enough like a police officer is supposed to. I am excited. Not afraid or nervous yet.

I went out and got the perfect skirt to wear to look all professional. I've practiced how to wear my hair in order to look 'copish' and tried to practice a confident demenor as I know our presentations will also be graded tomorrow.

If I pass this exam I go on to do a physical agility test. Which training for sucks. I can't do a 300 meter sprint in under a minute followed by 30 something pushups in 60 seconds and then follow it with 40 situps in the next 60 seconds and then a 1.5 mile run in 14 minutes. ALL CONSECUTIVELY. My body aches just practicing. I am sore all the time and not getting much faster or stronger.
FRUSTERATING. I want to be a police woman... just not a woman in pain all the time!

In the mean time I am also attempting to enroll at city u. To finish my psych degree. I am unsure about this. Its gonna cost me 30K to finish. Thats a lot of money just so I can do it all online.

ARGH if only life decisions were easy!

So the only happy thoughts I have to look forward to is the fact that I am going to twilight with my sisters and my BFF Jenny on Friday morning at 12:01! WOOT. !
So maybe after Twilight has left the system.. my thoughts will be clearer... less corupted by edward. Jacob.

Let the Earth Quake

2008-10-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

This is similar to my last post. I've been going through a lot lately. With business being slow, and the world being an expensive place, I've felt really low. I was loosing faith, and questioning my Gods will. I feel like I've been through enough. I asked... can't it be 'easier'?

Lets start with the things I know. The things that are true.

I am lucky. I was born in a free nation. A nation of plenty. I've not ever had to need or want for any of my basic needs to be met. God is a GOOD God.

Now for what I've been dealing with. I don't know why I doubt God. My thoughts can be my worst enemy. That is where I fall. I may know that GOD is good. But I start to question it. I start to think of all the things I have learned. Anthropology, history, all the ways in which humans create a need for GOD. All the ways in which GOD hasn't proven himself in human history or in my own life. I feel frustrated that I even do this. I am mad, because its all untrue. I know exactly how he changed my life. HOW he saved me. At the time certain events may have seemed so awful and felt terrible with no understanding of why why why... (much like how I feel right now).. but in the after math they make sense. There are events that still hurt and cause pain to think about, bu I see now that if they didn't happens other things would have never happened, other lives would have never been changed...

I truly trust God. I know he gave me free will. Its my own will that makes me falter. ITs me who pulls away. He knows I will to. He knew me before I was born, he knows how I will be what I will do. Its frustrating. I wish I was less prone to falter.

I know I am silly. But I have been struggling so much that when I prayed... I said GOD just tell me what to do.

And here it was. I turned on the radio...

"Our Hope Endures"

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

ITs amazing how God works. Even with a difficult circumstance. I need to have a hope that is unchanged. I need to not waver, even in my own thoughts.

Its a process getting it right. Not one of us is perfect. We are just supposed to try.

What does it all mean

2008-10-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Just heading to bed... and couldn't get alot of junk out of my head.

So what does it mean to be Christian?

Am I less of a Lover of my Christ because I consider myself Democratic?

Am I non christian because I survived a Divorce?

Does God love me less because I he allows me to struggle?

Pain. Suffering. Heart ache. Money problems. Hunger. Loss of a loved one.

Why is it allowed?

I don't know why. But In a world that became corrupt so many moons ago... Its amazing still how Gods love heals all of those things.

He brings life, healing, restoration, blessings, and so much much more.

I keep praying for Gods love to wash over me to encourage me.

It hasn't happened yet. But I have no doubt that at any moment...

He'll be there... doing what he does best.. Getting me through this most difficult of moments

Comparing the great D to now

2008-10-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

So here we are in the midst of an all out economic crisis. We could have seen it coming. We should have. God gives us rules to follow. To help one another, to not have more than we need, to learn from the historical mistakes of others.... we didn't.

So here is my comparison and contrast. I would love to have peoples feed back, opinions, etc. So feel free to reply to the following.

The 1929 Crash began in October. (creepy eh.. end of September early October now.. .and we are falling). It started because investors saw the value of their stocks fall, so they sold their stocks. Making the stock market continue to dwindle . Thats is exactly what we see happening now. It took 3 full years for the lowest point of the crash, but if nothing is done, we are well on our way to a similar situation.

Now I am not saying a crash in the stock market will cause a great depression again, and nor am I saying it did before. There are alot of factors that took place in the 1920's that are similar to today. We have very little buisness activity. We primarily buy our goods overseas. Prices are sky rocketing, and yet the value of an object is dwindling.

We have to realize no all americasn share the same wealth as some of us do. Most families have very little to no savings at all. No health insurance, thus costly medical bills, most people can't afford the goods in the average market so they go into debt in order to keep up with the status quo.

We don't produce many of our own crops or even goods and services any more. Many of our cars, cattle, food, clothes, jewelry, food ware, etc, are from a foreign country. Thus taking money out of our economy. I am not saying that world wide exchange was bad, but we relied to heavily on it.
In the 1930s overproduction was another casue of teh fall. Buissinessses produced more goods than people could buy thus had to close when their costs came crashing down on them. Todays era stores, car lots, have purchased bulk items for the American people, what happens when we are all to afraid to go out and spend? People loose their jobs!

In the 1930's when banks failed many people were in heavy debt with no way out. SOUND FAMILIAR? People lost their savings, retirement funds dwindled, and the people lost their confidence in the economy. Buisness also lost confindence and started laying off workers, thus more workers lost their jobs, less bills were being paid, thus more banks failed. Do you see how one thing effects another here? Do we even understand how similar our circumstances are right now to the Great depression of the 1930's?

The frightening things that happened during the 1930s like banks immediately foreclosing on homes when people fell behind thus people lived in shelters or cars, could easily happen now.

At the time of the 1930's President Hoover didn't believe that the fedral government should step in to help the people. (THE ONE GOOD thing I will say about Bush is atleast he beleives they should). Hoover eventually realized he had to do something and created new jobs and proviced relief and aid for the unemployed.

These are scarey times. If you don't know what could happen look up the great depression. Look up what people had to do to surrvive. they lived in horrible circumstances and ate from soup kitchens once per day.

If we as a people deem some CEO worth 19 million dollars , and the rest of us worthy to live in a cardboard box, there is something wrong.! We need to take a stand. Start supporting one another. Stop being Greedy.. AND I don't know.. Live the way God calls us to perhaps?

not alone

2008-09-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I miss having the type of companionship a husband, even a sucky one, can offer. I don’t miss my ex-spouse, but I do miss certain elements. I miss being touched, having someone to help me at night with my baby, and mostly just having someone to talk to about my most random of thoughts.

I have been thinking about getting ‘out there’, ie putting myself out in the playing field. I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to getting ‘out there’. I want God to be the leader of my choices and the reason I find the next man I may call my prey. I don’t want to assume control in this area like so many people do. HOWEVER I don’t want to be one of those people who say “GOD let me win the lotto” but they sit on their couch and never buy a ticket. Those people have the audacity to ask “why have I yet to win?”. God tells us to ask and do. If we want to change something we must first start doing it.

So I ask myself how do I start doing. Am I even ready to start doing? I was divorced in early July, thus I have been divorced just about 3 months. I have however been without a significant other for much longer. I left my spouse over a year ago, and in my eyes he left me much longer ago. There are so many fears I have. Part of me says I need to get over them before I date, the other part knows that they may only go away with knowing I can trust the person I am with.

Dating. I don’t necessarily want to do it. I am unsure I want to get remarried. To go through the hardships of marriage. Its HARD. Both people have to be willing to work on it. And most people in today’s day and age say “its too hard, we fell out of love, we have irreconcilable differences.. etc”. Thus the way most people think is that marriages are easy to come by and easy to let go of.
I also do not know if I am so lonely or miss the company of a spouse enough to give up the new things I have been able to enjoy. I don't have to report to anyone, I have tons of free time, and I can just be all girly with out worrying who I just disturbed.

So that’s where I stand. Lonely, and confused about whether or not I should put myself back up on the market.

I also want to clarify to those who read this and thought.. well she’s not alone. I know this. I know I have God to talk to, a family to help me with my baby, and a great group of girl friends to tolerate my insanities. I am thankful for all of these things.

Mind your own P's and Q's

2008-09-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at the Grocery store grabbing some items. While I was there I saw a woman leaving the store, she was crying. I, being in my own little world, minding my own space, looked the other way. However a little boy, maybe not so little, about 11 or 12, ran over to her and started to ask her why she was crying. His mother, mortified, snatched his arm and pulled him away, and said to her son "mind your own P's and Q's. Its not your problem or you buisness"

After this scenario, I sat there STUNNED. I was like that mother, wanting to leave that woman alone. I had learned to not be authentic to not be real. That womans son hadn't learned that yet. He was concerned, as should I have been and everyone else.

We tend to go about the world in our own little Bubbles. Minding our own buisness. Why do we do this? I dont really have an answer, other than to say we are selfish beings, but also because we are taught its wrong to be involved. I know that sounds like a contradiction to the many political campaigns and other commercials we hear.. They say DO something, get involved, make a difference... yet when we do we are more often than not shut down.

Let me explain. When I was married, the family I was married into was emotionally and spirtually unhealthy. They would wrong me and I would cease to trust them. I would be called unforgiving, but I had forgiven them. I just didn't want to let them belittle me again. I wanted to see a quality change in their lives, I would say.. something like "in order for you to get X you have to show me Y" thus I would be deemed judgemental. I was deemed judgemental because I wanted to improve their life. Thus I became afraid of being involved with them or telling them my thoughts, and more and more afraid to stick up for my thoughts outside of my family life.

I notice these type of things in alot of situations. When a person sticks up for what they beleive and what they saw Jesus stick up for they are deemed Judgemental. Its almost as if we aren't allowed to hold anyone accountable for fear of the stigma that we are 'Judgemental'. So if doing something means we are judgmental.. then doing nothing and ignoring a problem in my eyes makes you a lemming.. FOLLOWING one after the other and jumping to your doom.

I argue to say then being 'Judgemental' is far better than being a lemming. That woman in the store was crying. Who knows why. I didn't bother to ask. I should have. Even if it was her fault she was crying. Maybe she lives with a man who keeps emotionally abusing her. She could leave. I could have lovingly said you know you need to leave, if you dont he will keep abusing you and you are enabling his actions thus equally at fault at this point for allowing yourself to be abused. She might say I was judging her. But judging and accountablity are so close. I am not talking about bad judgements here.. like I see a dirty man on the streets.. who looks like a Bum and I instantly think BUM, Alcholic, etc.. thats a bad judgement.. one not even based in truth. I am talking about the judgementalism that gets us involved.

IF we see a bad situation we need to get involved. We see a woman crying. We should attempt to see if she needs something we can offer. We may only be able to offer a hug.. but shouldn't we try? Why should we not get involved. Why is it ok to not get involved? If we see someone getting beat to death. Its not a judgement to say that this situation is wrong. We are enabling the beaters and beating the victim if we watch or even if we walk away and ignore. To sit there while someone is being beat and do nothing is wrong.

I can't always mind my own P's and Q's. Nor should I. I don't care if I seem Judgemental any longer. I don't care if my caring drives away people. Because the only people I am driving away will one day need someone to care.. someone to JUDGE the situation they are in, hold them accountable, help them, and NOT enable them. So if you see someone in need of help don't be afraid of what could happen of being judged or judging. God calls us to hold up our brothers and sisters. To not let them fall. He calls us to sin no more. Doing nothing is a Sin. Standing idly by is a SIN.

follow this

2008-09-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

I just read the most intriguing blog I suggest you all go check it out at http://brokentelegraph.com/
the latest blog entry is about the dangers of being nice and not good.

I have never really thought about this before. Nice versus Good. To me the seemed virtually the same. But my eyes were opened. Truths were spoken to me.

Nice is sugar coating an event or ignoring one all together, Good is being honest and loveing and speaking truth even if it means hurting someones feelings.

My life is full of nice people. We go about our ways in a very nice manner. We don't invade peoples space, we don't confront anyone who doesn't ask for help, and we don't question someones motives even if they appear nice. I am one of these nice people in my own life. I see things and do things that take away my own character and the character of others. I am nice so that I don't have to be uncomfortable or so that Ie do not have to make anyone else uncomfortable. I don't fight for the things I should.

I don't want this anymore. I want myself to be strong. To be good. I want to speak the truth in love, I no longer want to be fearful of making someone uncomfortable or even myself for that matter.

Sigh. There are so many areas in my thinking that are changing. So many matters of my heart are dissappearing and then new ones, ones that are truely relevant are appearing. God is changing me. Change. My heart is changing, my soul is changing. God is working so hard on me. Hes forming me and YES I am fearful. He asks alot and it is frightening to do something I don't feel I can do! HOWEVER I trust his work. I trust him and I KNOW I am not alone... SO I am getting over my fears and opening up my eyes to his workings in my soul.!

Am

2008-09-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

so I have been scoping at other peoples blogs and seeing what other people rant about.

I came across a young girls blog (http://the-in-between-girl.blogspot.com/) and she made a super cool collage on her blog to show an outfit she wanted to wear.

So I made one to show in some way or another who I am

What do you deserve?

2008-09-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ask yourself.. what is it you deserve? Do you deserve the current situation you are in? Yes the choices we make land us in some crazy messes, but other peoples choices effect us as well. If your parents are drug addicts and homeless you and you are too.. was it your choice? Do you deserve that? If your born into a rich family and you do nothing with your life but spend, do you deserve that? If you are born in Africa and starve to death, did you deserve that?

I ask this because it is a serious issue in many peoples hearts and thoughts. Many people believe we deserve the situation we are in.. poor earned the right to be poor and rich the right to be wealthy.
If you are born in another country, one that women are not allowed to pursue an education, do you desrerve that?

We are taugth from the moment we come out to pursue the job that makes us happy, yet makes us money. So if I truely pursued the job I wanted, I'd be one broke woman. I love to study and talk Egypt. There is no money in this. Some jobs by nature make more money, ie doctors, but not everyone can be a doctor. We need Cops, we need nurses, we need janitors, we need garbage men. Yet if we are not Doctors and garbage men instead we make just 1/10th the amount they do. We have chosen to be poor.

What I don't understand is why we label one job more important than another. Why we put a price on a job. A police mans job is highly important. S/He protects the road, my home, and my family. When I am in danger s/he puts their life on the line for me. Yet his max average pay is $85,000 per year. Even with an education. The doctor saves lives. He works long hours and endures stress. His max pay is almost undefinable, but rarely over 2 mil a year. Both these jobs are important. We need both of these jobs. So why is one deemed worth more than the other?

I don't believe anyone deserves more than another. Yes we make choices. But what we do for a living and what we make financially shouldn't mean we deserve to not eat or have health care or shelter over our heads.

Sigh. Jesus wanted us to be equal to care for one another. To share. His darn ideals were closer to socialism and communism. (NOW MY FELLOW READERS LOOK UP THESE IDEAOLOGIES AND THEIR DEFINITIONS B4 JUDGING ME. COMMUNISM IS A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT. YES PEOPLE ARE TO GREEDY.. BUT MAYBE SOME FORM COULD WORK. THE NEXT SOCIAL MOVEMENT SHOULD BE CALLED JESUSISM.)

So yet again, here I am frustrated at the worlds view point. Wanting to wash worldy thoughts from my brain, and think for the world not with it.

Those Damned Scientists

2008-09-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

Those darn scientists. They are at it again. Trying once and for all to prove that life outside of our bodies does not exist. The University of Southampton is launching the world's largest-ever study of near-death experiences this week. The AWARE (AWAreness during REsuscitation) study is to be launched by the Human Consciousness Project of the University of Southampton - an international collaboration of scientists and physicians who have joined forces to study the human brain, consciousness and clinical death.
They define death the following way : Contrary to popular perception, death is not a specific moment, scientists say. It is a process that begins when the heart stops beating, the lungs stop working and the brain ceases functioning. In short The AWARE study is basically just a way to prove that all those folks who have had near death experiences, seen God and all that other jazz that happens when you die or come close to dying, is crap. They want us to believe that its chemicals and mis-firing synapses inducing the images in a dying brain.

Scientist and theoristis go around trying to prove that God and the after life do not exist. They either do it by studying things like the AWARE group or by saying that God is just purely made up. You see religions can be very similar. One Ultimate or supreme being, they all encourage you to be moral and help your neighbor, they all state that there is some form of life after death (heaven , reincarnation... etc), they all state that we come from one mother or Orgin (eve, earth, etc) and they all believe The End of Days. It's just about unanimous that, at the end of the world, there will be a great battle between good and evil, and Final Judgment will be made.

So the thought behind alot of thinking to disprove GOD (and what used to be my own) is that if they are all similar they are all mythological and made up crap. Now I believe strongly in a GOD who loves me. I found that my thinking and studying and finding these similarities only eventually led to an affirmation of belief.. I could never quite disprove God in my own mind.

Any ways.. why .. why .. why can't scientist let well enough alone.? Say I am wrong (which I AM NOT) but lets just say for their sake there is no God, no after life. Then what is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of being kind to one another, of doing things right, of taking care of the Earth.? If there is no after life then none of the crap we do matters. So if it didn't matter I believe we'd all become depressed and just Blow our earth to peices so much faster than we are now. So why do the scientist want to depress the rest of mankind just because they can't fathom the idea that some one some where created them and loves them?

So anyway I do think the study is a cool idea because I am betting on GOD and betting they wont be able to explain anything that happens with anything but the following statement "We have yet to discover why people experience certain events while their body is physically dead. We will continue researching these types of events and until we have a more clear understanding and broader study group, the answers to life and death will remain a mystery". Some thing like that will do!

Take a stand

2008-09-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

Take a stand. DO SOMETHING. This is what I frequently tell myself.

As a Christian... and a blessed individual, I should do what I can for those who can not do for themselves.

Many people ask.. why should I do anything at all. I ask why not? Why should we not do what GOD has called us to do.. HELP our FELLOW man out. ITs wrong to ignore the many issues the world is facing. Animal cruelty, animal extinction, and global warming, pollution. God Gave us this place... he commanded we care for it... and here we are trashing it. It is also wrong to ignore the HUMAN CONDITION. Poverty, starvation, illnesses that can be prevented, dehydration, malnutrition, lack of education, homelessness.. and so many other things.

Why do I, and so many others ignore the realities of this place. Why do I pretend that since I don't see the suffering its not truely going on. Can I really sit here and just rant and do nothing. Can I sit here and see it occur and do nothing! I know its going on.. maybe I don't see it.. but its real. I think its a sin to do nothing. God didn't just sit around, he took action. I believe that he wants us to take action as well.!

There is only one planet.. EARTH and there is only one people.. GODs people.

So I got to thinking... what issues effect my heart most. Poverty and homelessness. So todays lesson is about Poverty.

Thanks for reading.

So I got the following information from DOSOMETHING.Org

11 Facts about Global Poverty

Half the world – nearly three billion people – live on less than two dollars a day.
According to UNICEF, 26,500-30,000 children die each day due to poverty – that’s 18 children dying every minute, a child every three seconds.
About 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water, and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation.
For the 1.9 billion children from the developing world: 640 million are without adequate shelter, 400 million do not have access to safe water, 270 million do not have access to health services.
About 2.2 million children die each year because they are not immunized.
About 1.6 billion people – a quarter of humanity – live without electricity.
Over nine million people, of which five million are children, die worldwide each year because of hunger and malnutrition.
Over 11 million children die each year from preventable causes like malaria, diarrhea and pneumonia.
About 20% of the population in the developed nations consume 86% of the world’s goods.
The poorest 40% of the world’s population accounts for 5% of the global income. The richest 20% accounts for three-quarters of world income.
Around 27-28% of all children in developing countries are estimated to be underweight or stunted.

Background on Poverty

There are plenty of statistics and data about global poverty--these are just a few:

Each year, more than 8 million people around the world die because they are too poor to stay alive.
Over 1 billion people—1 in 6 people around the world—live in extreme poverty, defined as living on less than $1 a day.
More than 800 million go hungry each day.
Over 100 million primary school-age children cannot go to school.

Nearly 3 billion people—half of the world's population—are considered poor. Lots of men, women and children endure unimaginable obstacles that prevent them from receiving their basic human rights.

When the UN created the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948, the signers proclaimed that all people have the right to education, work, health and well-being. Today, however, millions around the world are too crippled by poverty to fulfill these basic rights. Millions continue to go hungry. Scores of children never step inside a classroom. Families watch their loved ones die from largely preventable causes because they do not have access to adequate medical care. In essence, poverty is a denial of human rights.

SO lets do something Fellow readers get involved.! Go to dosomething.org or

Take a Stand Against Poverty

Take a Stand Against Poverty - join the 43.7 million people who've demanded a more urgent political reponse to global poverty.

Over 43.7 million people, in 127 countries have broken the Guinness World Record – set last year at 23.5 million – for the largest number of people to “STAND UP AGAINST POVERTY AND FOR THE MILLENNIUM DEVELOPMENT GOALS” in 24 hours.

In 127 countries, millions stood and spoke out to demand a more urgent political response to the growing crisis of global poverty and inequality. They called on their world leaders to keep their commitments made in the Millennium Development Goals.

Add your voice today! -- http://standagainstpoverty.org/report/2

Rain

2008-09-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Yes I will do the rain dance. I love the rain. I hear so many of my friends and radio host say" We had a terrible summer, and here comes that darn rain". I find that amusing. Its like people dont know where they live or are just to stubborn to get it. I just want to say "HELLO this is washington not california.. you want blue skies and warm weather MOVE"

I love it in Washington. I find the weather to be a perfect. It never gets to hot or to cold. We don't have any drastic weather conditions, and the rain leads to the most beautiful green I have ever seen.

Today is supposedly one of the last nice days we will see in a while. Alot of people are sad about it. I guess I will miss going to the beach and the river. But I love the rain. FOR some odd reason I find my happiness when it pours. I love to just sit in it. To let it drench me. The rain brings me a peace that no amount of clear waters and blue skies ever could.

The only way I truely appreciate a non rainy day is at night. The night sky almost brings me as much peace as the rain. I feel close to my creator both when dancing in the rain and sleeping under the stars.

Sigh I love my home. I love the rain. I love the sky. I love God

Rain dancing away...

I love it so much I made this:

I'm Fat, a passing thought

2008-09-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

The way we look at women, and a womans body has become an intense sociological job, Everyone has a set standard, everyone has a view point, and for the most part, being thin has been the standard since the 1960's. Thanks Twiggy. Women have a tendancy to obsess with how they look, and historically speaking a womans body was always under the microscope, but more recently the womans body equals health and happiness.

As a society we are growing heavier and as we get older we do gain more weight , our body preferences are growing thinner. Being thin, thin is defined by Hollywoods veiw point, is seen as the only way to be satisfied with ones self. Thinness will lead to a great man, great sex, and a great job, thus a happy and full life. Despite the concerns of feminists and other observers, body image issues seem to be only growing in importance. With movies like 13 going on 30 and the women trying to promote a change in magazines, trying to push them toward real women, I still only see a lean toward the unreal, the ungettable look.

This obsession with the way women look hasn't helped us see ourselves for what we are. If we are on the heavier side we are judged as lazy and unhappy. If we are 'too' thin we are seen as bitchy or snobby. Feminism doesn't always free women either. It hasn't helped society see women for real women, but at the same time feminist ideal pushes us to stray away from things women are naturally good at nurturing, thus we tend to no longer nuruture ourselves or our bodies. Then hollywoods standards are very obvious. Watch any show. A man can be heavy and bald, and moderately if not completely unattractive, but still have a successful show. However his wife is always super attractive. She is thing and her hair is always long and thick. As a society we pride ourselves as being advanced in thought, but I ask how is putting a woman in a BOX an advanced thought?

I know that appearance has always been important. Being heavy used to be a status quo. If you had some chunk you were obviously wealthy because you can afford to eat not because you were lazy. Being tan hasn't' always meant you had the money to lounge around and be a bronzed beauty, it used to mean you were a laborer, the poor portion of society. Appearance has always mattered, but what we are supposed t look like changes.

According to Psychology today, when most people think of body image, they think about aspects of physical appearance, attractiveness, and beauty. But body image is so much more. It's our mental representation of ourselves; it's what allows us to understand ourselves. Body image isn't simply influenced by feelings, and it actively influences much of our behavior, self-esteem, and psychopathology. Our body perceptions, feelings, and beliefs govern our life plan who we meet, who we marry, the nature of our interactions, and our day-to-day comfort level.

The thought is "if I were only 5'5 and 115 lbs have clear skin and great hair, I'd have it all'
I just want to know this, how come what we weigh equals self satisfaction?

For the most part what society expects becomes what is real. Unrealistic expectations become reality. In order for a man to see a woman as attractive, she has to be thin. In order for him to fall in love she has to be hot. AND vice-versa. Women wont go seeking a relationship unless she feels comfortable with her body and very rarely do women over size 12 feel okay with their bodies, thus the whole system is pushed into overdrive -- reaffirming that size matters. When in fact it doesn't.. it is our damn perception!

Sigh. I woke up today and hated my body. Normally I am completely comfortable with it but I realized I am Fifteen pounds heavier than I want to be and I don't look the exact way I want to. My world is a slightly lonely place and today I blamed my body for it. Stupid societal expectations. Even my girlfriends who are highly advanced in many thoughts, still influenced todays reaction at myself. They are beautiful and thin women.. I am bigger than most and yet they still see themselves as FAT so.. how do they see me? I MUST BE HUGE! Then I know my reactions at myself will influence them. Perhaps they see me as thin? and my thinking I'm disgusting will only encourage their further thinking they are disguisting as well! RAWR cycles, I hate them.!

This whole way of the world and its damn importance was not an is not how God wants it.
How do I change my own view point? How do I see me for me? How do I say I am beautiful to God and that all that matters? Today its going to be a struggle. Everyday is. But I need to smack myself and say I am beautiful to me and to God.. SO SCREW the worlds idea.!

So to my fellow readers:

Lets start a new fad, a new trend, a new view point,

LETS LOVE OUR BODIES JUST THE WAY THEY ARE

opposite way

2008-09-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

So being single in this day in age is like being on a game show. Its unrealistic and the expectations and goal are just not worth it. Todays society tells me that when I meet a guy, I should be sleeping with him by the end of the first date... and in love after we've had sex.

Its not like when I am around a nice man I don't want to kiss him; but the thought doesn't go much further than that. For starters I can't fathom the idea of sleeping with some one I dont first love, and secondly I can't fathom sleeping with someone I am not married to. I know that sounds seriously old fashioned, and I really dont care. Society has set the pace. I have seen a few people just a few run the other way.

In the United State, the new idol worship isn't a wooden statue, its the lives of the rich and famous. We strive to do what it appears they do. For the most part people with in hollywood do what we expect.. they set this pace of unmarried sex and quick fixes. However I have seen 2 examples of famous people attempting to RUN the other way. The Jonas Brothers a famous boy band on Disney is wearing purity rings. Purity rings are worn to symbolize that fact that the wearer intends to stay pure until marriage. They were made fun of at the VMA's and only 2 people stuck up for them. One was Jordin Sparks ( a fellow purity ring wearer) and Paris Hilton.

Its not shocking that they were made fun of. The shocker was that Paris Hilton, a pace setter in the flesh, stuck up for them. Sigh. I wasn't sure what to make of all of that. But maybe even the pace setters wish they too could run the other direction.

With the majority of people believing that sex is dating. How do I expect to meet a decent man who is not retarded with society? Can I stay true to my own personal expectations? Or will societal pressures, norms, and a man I think is hot convince me other wise?

Dating, a Really scary idea. Actually getting along with a man long enough to make him commit to be my boyfriend ... and to commit to the same principles and or similar ones.. almost seems impossible. LOL.

So all this ranting was brought on by my new favorite song:

Opposite way by Leeland. Lyrics:

Living in the same town
for all these years
Doing the same old things
hanging with the same crowd
and it's starting to get crippling
you never felt in place
and you tell yourself it's all okay
but something's different today
you want to run the opposite way
and it seems like you're locked in a cage
and you need to find a way of escape
when everyone's setting the pace- it's okay to run the opposite way

and the Father sent his Son down
the Light of men
the cross he bore was crippling
rejected in His own town
and they couldn't see the Sun shining
He knelt in the garden and prayed
Father let this cup pass from me
It's not Your will for me to stay
Your will for me is the opposite way

and it seems like He was locked in a cage
and He couldn't find a way of escape
but through the cross He conquered the grave
my Jesus ran the opposite way

Oh, and through the cross He conquered the grave
Oh, He ran the other way
Yeah, through the cross He conquered the grave
So you could run the opposite way

Sisters

2008-09-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

Most people know that I have 6 sisters. Yes , crazy I know. I am the oldest of all Six. In the line up its Myself, Karissa (full) Monica (step) April (half) Todd (the one and only brother making 7) Sarah & Malerie (twin step sisters) and Julia (half). Of my six sisters and one brother I only get to see 3, therefore I am only really close to those three.. .Karissa, Sarah analerie.

Karissa and Sarah are a unique brand of beautiful and fun. They love make up, being dressed up, and looking good. I have yet to see Karissa have a bad day in over Ten years. Its amazing how she always glows. Sarah strives to be like her.. . sometimes taking it to far and becoming snobby, which Karissa isn't.. except with Clothes... but never in the general sense of snob. They love their bodies, they love to eat, and their confidence in the way they look in general is awe inspiring. To be that comfortable is what all women would like to be.

During the summer months and early hunting season Karissa and I get the privilege of taking care of our younger sisters. Sarah seems to always get stuck with Karissa. Or better put Karissa gets stuck with Sarah. They have fun eating, watching movies, and just cruising the town. As for Malerie, she gets stuck with me. We have a totally good time as well but tend to be the Odd sisters in the Gang.

I love all my siblings, however; I have a very close kinship with my sister Malerie. Even though we are only step sisters, it is like we are genetically linked. we have similar taste in things, activities, boys, and similar view points on life in general. We love to play and do weird and random things as well.

In July alone Malerie and I did so many random things, I was considering writing a book entitled.. How to survive a sisterhood of weirdness. Our first adventure was tubing down snoqualmie river. This ended badly. The river went at less than one mile an hour, and our car was 3 miles away. We ended up walking the majority of the shore, getting stuck in mud, smelling like fish, climbing rock walls, getting yelled at by farmers, and running across farm land with our pink rafts around our mid section. A very hilarious scenario in retrospect.

Our second adventure was in our traveling to tonasket to my parents property. The trip started with random photos of random sites, me unknowingly showing my underwear to everyone in Omaks Walmart, and my daughter rolling away in the shopping cart about 10 car lengths away from me with out me noticing :(. During the vacation we went quadding in the okanagon where we went past a crazy mans house, saw deer, and almost hit 'wild' cattle. To add to the craziness of us, we jumped off a paddle boat into a freezing cold lake, jumped onto and climbed giant rocks, and ended our adventures attempting to walk like deer.

Our latest adventure was to Forks. We went there on a whim. Our favorite book twilight was written and supposed to take place there. We took the ferry over to Kingston, and while on the ferry... I unwillingly showed half the ferry my underwear. I was wearing a skirt and outside, and well the wind just exposed me immediately upon movement of the ferry. On our way to forks we laughed and listened to great music, all while ignoring a very unhappy daughter of mine in the back. (she cried the entire time) . We talked about how weird we were for traveling 4 hours just to go to forks. We thought for some reason we were unique. When we arrived in Forks we learned we were not the only wierdos. Thousands of people had already come before us and probably twenty earlier that day. Apparently we aren't the only people who love Jacob and Edward with all our hearts.. to the point of obsession. The trip wasn't a complete waste though, we saw all the sets to were the movie (that was made on our book) were shot. We found a beautiful beach (rialto) and had a great time.

Sigh. Summer is over. Who knows when malerie and I will have more wild and crazy strange fun.

I love my sisters.

Pibbins

2008-08-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

My little one, my sweet little girl, is almost Two. Its amazing how time flies. The moment she was born she amazed me. She came out 9 lbs and 3 oz. She had fat rolls on her fat rolls! Her chubbyness shocked me and still does. I remember a week before she was born my Doctor told me that he estimated her weight at just over 7 lbs. he was so wrong!

The way she came out set her pace for life. She will always amaze me. Lately the thing that has me being an overly proud mother is her language development. It has taken off over these last few weeks. She has always loved to coo, and chat, but nothing more than a word or two until recently. She is talking so much. Some of her blubberings even resemble sentences. I hit my head yesterday and she said "ow, mommy mommy okay?", then she kissed my head. Even though my head hurt, my heart soared with pride. My little girl is becoming a compassionate human being. One with her own thoughts and own concerns.

One of my favorite things she says lately is "my pibbin". Pibbin is just her word for Blanket. She loves her blankets lately. She has 4 she drags around. She covers her dolls with one and then greedily covers herself with the others.. then throws them off of her and leaves them in random places, then screams for me to find them... "mommy MINE MINE Pibbin!".

While on the our way back from Eastern Washington this weekend, a fly landed on her 'pibbin', she freaked out and started to cry. The stupid fly then preceded to land on her making her scream and now any time she sees a fly she starts to cry... even if its a mile away. She hates insects all because one stupid fly landed on her special 'pibbin'.

Not only is she speaking amazingly well , and deathly afraid of insects, she is almost fully potty trained. She has no accidents during the day anymore! I am unsure how long it will be until she is trained thru the night, but I am very excited about the fact that she is now Day Trained!

Sigh. I am just a mother totally in love with her daughter!

Perfection

2008-08-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Its a matter of time. Before we all fail at something. Its so easy to be human. My question for everyone is.. is there ever a time were we dont fail? Jesus was perfect. 100% flawless. Was anyone even close? like 80% ? I can say for myself.. I fail alot. I find that I am in the 20ish% maybe under .. LOL.. category.

So Authenticity. Its my goal now. Being authentic. Real, assertive, and loving. Even if I get better at these things.. will I ever reach over 40%? or is this percent crap just retarded? It is. I know. We are either perfect, thus being God, or we are imperfect thus being Human. This is something I am coming to terms with. Being ok with an imperfect life.. and circumstances.. or atleast my ideas of perfect. Being ok with the fact that I am only Human. God forgives and infinitely loves me.. this is something I dont do this for myself. I don't always forgive myself... my expectations are that of the worlds.. and not of Gods. I know I need to be real.

I believe my attempts to change, to better myself, my spirituality, my life, etc. will not only make me a better friend (eventually) but will influence me to reach out more and more to my heavenly father.

I am hoping that my fastlessness will only encourage my search for the authentic self. To find the truth in the fact that imperfection makes me beautiful. That my human ways and attempts and successes to be better will bring a smile to my Creators face.. and that I can truly believe HE loves me. I am so grateful that God has forgiven me and that He infinitely Loves.

Forgiven

All the bad I've done
The cruelty I wished for
I ask it all to be undone
The lies and deceit
all the absurdity in this world
I pray it to be cleaned.
These moments in life
so few, unable to look back
I wish for it all to be forgiven
Stupid mistakes
or maybe just one
can it be forgotten
Loud and forever lost
what happened to my land of trees
Lord please bring the peace I need

That was a poem I wrote a few years ago.. when I was still searching to be 'perfect'... but what I find so interesting is that somehow even before I knew Gods love... I knew that the only way to find peace and 'perfection' was thru Gods forgiveness, thru being real.

Heavy Heart

2008-08-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

So I start my "fastlessness" tomorrow. Which means I am giving up my vices. Which is why I picked tomorrow to start. For me August 14th holds a painful concept. I will want to shop away the pain, absorb in some good candy and a bag of chips while watching a new movie at home. I will do all that just to avoid feeling the way I am starting to feel right now. Sad and Mad. I don't even want to talk to God. I just want to avoid. August 14th was the day I was married. 4 years ago tomorrow. Yep.

I have been thinking for the last month that my emotions have been level and my sadness has dissipated. Wrong. It hit me today. That I felt like a failure. I felt so was jealous of people who had working marriages. Anger set in because the reality that I had a broken family now seems so very very real. The idea that my daughter would grow up like me .. not knowing what its like to have both her parents in one home, is never what I wanted. The ideals, the dreams I once had. Shattered. All the perfection I once wanted. No longer attainable.
Then I realize how lonely I am. I filled in so much of my time at the beginning... working out, school, regular get togethers with my friends and family.. I didn't have time to notice the pain due to the fact he wasn't there.

I know perfection was never truly attainable, and that God showed me that even though life ideals fall thru.. His love is ever present. And lately I have just been ignoring Gods love. Not talking to him. Like an angry teenager.. so angry that my parents didn't buy me that mercedes I wanted.. instead they gave me a beater car. Thats how my heart feels. Like God took my clay mold and smashed it and is starting over.. he's giving me the beater car.. and teaching me how to be happy with it.

Tomorrow will also be a rough one. My cat Mallard disappeared Sunday night. She hasn't come home. I fret that she wont. Coca, my other cat, let them all out by destroying a screen. I am sad that one of them is gone. I love my animals. They are gifts from God. Just like my marriage was. And all too soon both gifts were gone. Sigh.

So my fastlessness comes at a trying time. The time I need to seek God more than I need to gratify my need to feel happy. I need to seek God in order for my soul to survive.

I need GOD.

A Goal Of Fastlessness

2008-08-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

So my Goal Starting August 14th is to not be :"FAST Less Ness" for 30 days. This means no fast food or shopping... ie.. starbucks, smoothies, subway, slurpees, chinese from safeway, and many other things that I love so much. I am also not going to purchase clothing, shoes, hair crap, or DVDs.. meaning for me no target or walmart.

The goal of my "Fast Less Ness" is to say to GOD.. Hey I love you more than I love me. So not getting a coffee ore a sub sandwhich for thirty days will be hard, but I think God is more important than my instant self gratification.

I am excited to do this, and scared to fail. So all of my friends I need your support!

Going Green In Truth

2008-08-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Now in my close circle of friends I am the hippy. I am the one who doesn't shower often enough, or shave frequently, and the one who says dont use that lotion or that deodarant.. it contains Aluminum. I get lovingly teased by my close friends for being this way. So as I become more aware of the products I am using, and after meeting my new BFF Maria, I have become dangerously interested in becoming "more Green".

What does this mean to me and how I encourage my circle of friends to become more bodily and earthily aware is a totally different process. Going green is difficult. Its expensive, hard to come by all the products you are after, and well some of the things are just really different and weird thus making it harder to buy.

After alot of research I have discovered disturbing things. So many things claim to be all natural .. a natural cure, natural hair product, soap, etc... but they too contain toxic chemicals! (SHOCKING I KNOW LOL :) )

I find that there are two groups of people, people who do it natural, or people who dont. If you do it natural you dont use normal medicines or eat normal foods. If you dont , YOU dont. Well there needs to be a nice happy medium. There are harms in being all natural, the possibilty of eating or injesting ecoli or the fact that any and all organic products simply mean they dont have to go thru regular FDA approval. Which is scarey to me.. its like drinking bottled water, the idea in many peoples head is its better than tap water. Not true, being bottled means it doesn't have to under go the same testing or doesn't have to be as clean as the water that comes thru the tap. Tap water is better.. just ask your neighboring geologist, enviromentalist, or biologist. Then the harms of being non natural such as the fact that we are developing an intlorance to medicines, and germs, thus super germs, and viruses are being created.

I think Green or not, what ever category you find your self in. The best way to be is: aware! Be aware if your product has harmful chemicals, if its safe for you or not. Green or not, its important to know what you are injesting or using.

I found a great article at http://www.greenyour.com/lifestyle/personal-care/deodorant that I recomend you all read. Its regarding the dangers of aluminum, but also the dangers of not knowing whats in your 'green' item.

I also lovingly found a list for all of you of products found in everyday body lotions, shampoos, underarm deodarants, etc... that are not so good for you and why.!

Here are the ingredients to be most wary of on labels, and why.
Coal-tar colors
So-called coal-tar chemicals are found in many "FD&C" or "D&C" colors used in makeup and hair dye.

Health Problem: Allergens and irritants, possible carcinogens

Safer Alternatives: Annatto, beta carotene, carmine, hematite, henna, iron oxides, titanium dioxide (nontoxic, but can cause lung irritation if inhaled as powder)

Lead
A brain- and nervous-system toxin as well as a known carcinogen and hormone disruptor, lead accumulates in the bones. It is found in lead acetate in hair dyes and makeup.

Phthalates
Used widely in fragrances, deodorants, nail polishes, hair products and lotions, the oily texture of phthalates acts like a moisturizer and helps lotions penetrate skin.
Health Problems: Various members of this family of chemical plasticizers have been found to produce cancer of the liver and birth defects in lab animals.

Dibutylphthalate (DBP) is of particular concern because documented exposures are high and its health effects are potentially very serious. In nail polish and mascara, DBP helps thin films stay flexible, reducing brittleness and cracking. Animal studies show that DBP causes birth defects and harm to male reproductive organs. Timing of exposure was critical: Harm was done to animals exposed in the womb or shortly after birth.

A 2002 Environmental Working Group (EWG) report found DBP in 37 nail products from 22 different companies

Alternatives: Phthalates often "hide" behind the term "fragrance;" choose products labeled "fragrance-free" or that are scented exclusively with pure botanical or essential oils. Phthalates are also present in, and can evaporate from, soft vinyl (PVC) toys, flooring and other products, which should be avoided.

Preservatives

Bronopol, often listed as 2-bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol, can contribute to the formation of cancer-causing nitrosamines, according to the FDA. It can also break down to produce formaldehyde

Formaldehyde, found in eye shadows, mascaras and other cosmetics, is "reasonably anticipated to be a human carcinogen," according to the National Toxicology Program's "Ninth Report on Carcinogens" (January 2001)**. The EPA classifies it as a probable human carcinogen.
In its liquid state, formaldehyde, present in the ingredients DMDM hydantoin, diazolidinyl urea imidazolidinyl urea and quaternium-15, can be absorbed through the skin and nails. As a volatile organic compound, or VOC, formaldehyde evaporates when the product is wet; levels drop sharply once it's dry. Consumer concern has led many manufacturers to remove it from their nail polishes.

Health Problems: Breathing formaldehyde fumes has been associated with many types of cancers, including those of the nose and throat. Levels of formaldehyde in air as low as 0.1 ppm (parts per million) can cause burning sensations in the eyes, nose and throat; nausea, coughing and wheezing.

Imidazolidinyl urea can trigger contact dermatitis in sensitive individuals.

Mercury: a tiny amount of this potent nervous-system toxin, which accumulates in the body, is allowed as a preservative in eye-area cosmetics.

The parabens: Methyl-, propyl-, ethyl- and butylparaben are the most common preservatives used in cosmetics.

Health Problems: Common allergens. Some recent research shows that parabens can mimic estrogen in rodents, making them potential hormone disruptors.
Quaternary ammonium compounds can irritate the skin and eyes. Quaternium-15 causes more dermatitis complaints than any other preservative, according to the American Academy of Dermatology.

Healthier Preservatives: Vitamins A (retinoic acid), C (ascorbic acid), E (tocopherol), citric acid, pycnogenol.

Surfactants -- Sudsing/Foaming Agents

Suds-making detergents, known as surfactants, in shampoos also promote absorption of the product by the skin.

Diethanolamine (DEA), widely used in shampoos, is a suspected carcinogen, and its compounds and derivatives include triethanolamine (TEA), which can be contaminated with nitrosamines -- compounds shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. Contamination is more likely if the product also contains Bronopol (see above).

Sodium laureth sulfate (SLES) and sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) are both irritants, says the Cosmetics Ingredient Review (CIR), a panel of cosmetics-industry experts established to safety-test ingredients (cir-safety.org). But the CIR reported that SLS also causes "severe epidermal changes" to mouse skin, a finding that "indicates a need for tumor-enhancing activity assays." This year, after review of over 250 existing SLS studies, the CIR concluded that SLS is not cancer-causing. However, Samuel Epstein, M.D., says he is not convinced and recommends avoiding SLS.

Other Ingredients to Avoid

Aluminum chlorohydrate, a wetness retardant used in antiperspirants, can cause allergic reactions.

Ammonia, used in hair dyes and bleaches, can irritate the eyes and skin and can be toxic when inhaled.

Mineral oil, found in many moisturizers, comes from petroleum, a nonrenewable resource.

Peroxide, used in hair-coloring products, can irritate the skin of hands and scalp and damage hair and eyes.

Phenylenediamine (PPD), found in many hair dyes, is linked with skin irritations, respiratory disorders and cancers, and is banned in Europe.

Polyethylene and polyethylene glycol (PEG ingredients), found in hair straighteners, antiperspirants and baby-care products, are safe in themselves but can be contaminated with 1,4- dioxane, which produced liver cancer in rodents in National Cancer Institute (NCI) studies.
Polysorbate compounds 60 and 80 are emulsifiers, used in lotions and creams, that can also become contaminated with the carcinogen 1,4-dioxane.

Polyvinylpyrrolidone (PVP), widely used in hair-care products, especially sprays, has been found to stay in the body for months. In rats it contributed to tumor development.

Propylene glycol, a humectant, or moisture-attracting ingredient, found in mascara, lotions, creams and other cosmetics, can irritate skin in sensitive individuals.

Talc, a mineral found in many face and body powders, has a structure similar to that of asbestos, which has been linked to lung and ovarian cancers. Healthier alternative: cornstarch (but, like any powder, can cause breathing problems)

Toluene, a solvent, is found in some nail polishes. It is a nervous-system toxin.

Triclosan, an antibacterial agent found in deodorants and other products, is overused and is linked to antibiotic-resistant disease, says the Alliance for the Prudent Use of Antibiotics (www.apua.org).
** The substance is described the same way in the Tenth Report on Carcinogens, released December 2002.

Crazy In Thought

2008-08-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

What is Free Will?? The definition is as follows: The question of free will is whether, and in what sense, rational agents exercise control over their actions and decisions. Addressing this question requires understanding the relationship between freedom and cause, and determining whether the laws of nature are causally deterministic. The various philosophical positions taken differ on whether all events are determined or not—determinism versus indeterminism—and also on whether freedom can coexist with determinism or not—compatibilism versus incompatibilism. So, for instance, hard determinists argue that the universe is deterministic, and that this makes free will impossible.
The principle of free will has religious, ethical, and scientific implications. For example, in the religious realm, free will may imply that an omnipotent divinity does not assert its power over individual will and choices. In ethics, it may imply that individuals can be held morally accountable for their actions. In the scientific realm, it may imply that the actions of the body, including the brain and the mind, are not wholly determined by physical causality. The question of free will has been a central issue since the beginning of philosophical thought.

Do we have free will? I ask this to myself all the time. Is my free will an illusion, is my idea of happiness based upon my idea that I am free... DO I really understand how we are all just a product of genes, and enviroment? Can we over come all of this?

I have a firm belief in a creator. My loving God gave me free will, I believe this. BUT to what definition should I give free will. With an all knowing omnipitant creator.. who knows the decisions I will make and knew me before time itself was created... does this take away my free will? Does the fact that my genes predetermined certain addictive traits, and moods tendancies effect my free will? Does the fact that my society tells me what is culturally relevant, what is right and wrong from the day I am born, take away my free will? DOES the fact that I am a product to my emotions, my beliefs, my ideas, the ideas of others, the teaching of others, the love of GOD... Take away my free will.

In many ways I feel like we are all in this Matrix. We all question our lives. Are we a part of the system. Will we set ourselves free as Neo did in the movie? Or will we choose to be comfortable knowing we are not free and stay put stuck with in this "matrix"?

I believe the only free will that we have is really over our self awareness. Our thoughts. We must break out of the mold and truly strive for what is right and the common good of all people. The only freewill is in truely understanding ourselves and our motivations.

If we were born 400 years ago, we would believe that slavery was alright, and that women were unequal beings. Someone, a group, someone who looked at the world differently, thought diffently, with an awareness not like the rest of of us, believed common thought to be wrong. Eventhough the common knowledge was to have a slave, they thought it wrong to encourage slavery, wrong to think that people were unequal. This someone, this group of people who started this change... they were free. They understood that the norms of society can be trapped ideas, bad ideas. If we didn't attempt at free will.. perhaps we would still beleive the world to be flat. Humans can sometimes be like lemmings.... we follow with out question.

So I ask my self what is it.. what part of my society has me a slave to my thinking? What can I change? What is wrong? What needs to be set free? Is it consumerism? Is it the ever expanding notion that pleasing self is best? Is it the idea that having an education makes you better or being thin makes you beautiful?

If it is any or all of these things, how do I start changing my thinking. How do I break free from this mold and then start to show others? I believe God wants us to strive to think outside of the societal mold. In 1 Corinthians 10:21 we are told that we can't sit at the lords table and sit at a table with demons. I believe this means we can't do it Gods way and the worlds way. I believe Gods way is true free will.

Its all just a crazy thought and I had to get it out. But one day I'll fully understand how I can be free.. and truely have free will.

Distracted

2008-08-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

When I was younger my favorite poem was 'Fire and Ice' by Robert Frost.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice

I had this poem in my head the last few days. With all the drama and pain that seems to surround me... I wrote my own poem. Its not near as great but both poems seem to describe my current state.. one through another authors perspective and then one through my very own

Distracted

I become distracted from this place,
bored with its tedious lies,
I distance myself from its hideous eyes
I would like to leave,
To find a new me,
To distance my self from the worlds cries
Terrified I am that there is no light in me
Leaving me with no place to hide
I have no inner peace , my vivaciousness has died
I want to disappear from the madness of me
Find the strength concealed inside
I get lost sifting through all the chaos
I've been in obscurity for so long
I lose all that matters
Nothing left for me
except the infinite darkness of my soul

My Daughter

2008-08-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

My baby girl is the most precious gift. At moments there are times when I can barely survive being a mom. Between potty training and sleepless nights.. I can almost feel insanity kicking in, and poof I realize no matter how crazy this moment is... one day it will be gone. One day my little precious girl will grow up. She wont be there anymore. Every moment with her, the frustrating and the fun, is a gift. Today is just one of many days I realize just how blessed I am. God was so good to me when he gave me her.

These are just some pictures of her over the last 21 months.

Little Girls

Author: Karen Barnes

Little girls are made of daisies and butterflies and soft kitty cat purrs
And all the precious memories of times that once were.

Little girls are made of angel's wings and giggles and a firefly's glow
And all the happy feelings, deep inside, that we all know.

Little girls are made of cinnamon and bubbles and fancy white pearls
And snowflakes and rainbows and ballerina twirls.

Little girls are made of sunshine and cupcakes and fresh morning dew,
And these are the reasons, little one, why everyone loves you.

Everything

2008-07-31T09:29:00.001-07:00

Right now this is my favorite, favorite song. The lyrics are amazing.. it is sung amazing.. its beautiful.. and I can listen to it over and over..

so read the lyrics and enjoy

Its called Everything by life house

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear youYou are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I needYou're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Pain

2008-07-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

After deliberating about how people choose not to feel emotions, and talking with a friend about how frustrating it truely is to watch someone ignore the reality of their circumstance... I found a poem that reminded me that I was once like that to. It reminded me of how I was so confused, so lost, and how I desperately wanted to be happy.. to have something make me happy. So at that point (october 2002) I wrote the following poem:

Am I all that I seem
are there defects that you must be able to see
Is there any mask that I could wear
to hide that which deforms me
Is this pain in my soul simply just a dream
if my goodness was infact evil, would I care
Am I insane or is this the way it has to be
my troubled soul caught in the worlds hypnotic snare
what happened to make me so lost with out a theme
Why oh why does the mask of pain so obviously wear on me

I find it amazing that even though I was so lost and confused.. I knew I was. Sometimes I find myself in a train of thinking that says.. "that person is so lost... they don't even know it"... but I am glad SO GLAD that God made me creative and that I wrote down my struggles. Thus I am made aware of the possibilities of all human souls.. I am made aware through my own experience that God is greater than my stupidity and if I can overcome... So can so many other people.

Expressions

2008-07-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

If I could be expressed in a collage, this would be it

Music

2008-07-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

After reading an article about how music corrupts the average teenager... I got obsessed.

I agree that certain things are just plain dumb to sing about and are only out there as an attention getting/ money making scheme. BUT in general the following is my opinion so enjoy my ramblings of thought:

It is said that music is the expression of the artist’s soul. It is the wanting to hope, discover, find, mourn, and to be heard. Before the twentieth century music from a different culture was a commodity. However in today’s society, and specifically with in the American culture, a variety of music is accepted or listened to.

Many people believe that music, certain types at least, is to blame for the corruption of society. I n my opinion this belief comes from not understanding ones culture, and the ever growing phenomena where people shift the blame of an event off themselves onto another object. The American culture is made from a variety of races, beliefs, practices and customs. It seems rational that there is a variety of artists therefore music.

In times past music remained very much the same within a certain culture. For example, European societies, sang a vast majority of Christian or classical types of music, while African cultures danced along to the rhythms of drums. The only time a culture would experience a new music was either when another group took over or when societies grew close in proximity.

During the last four thousand years the history of music has experienced very little change. In the past one hundred years the world’s population has grown. With this growth we are all forced to live within a very close proximity to one another. As the cultures blended, people’s thoughts reluctantly grew, and therefore so did the spectrum of music.

Not only did the blending of cultures bring a variety of music to our society, advances in technology have been helpful in bringing in a wide variety of musical traditions and artistries to a wider audience. In this past century we have seen the most growth in technology, education, human equality, people’s rights, acceptance, etc. than ever before. With the exponential growth in society it has left some people and cultures with very little time to adjust. People get easily agitated with change. If something bothers them or makes them feel uneasy about society, they blame shift or refuse to look further into why certain events are actually happening.

In our society, teenagers run slightly more rampant than ever before. Suicide, depression, unmarried teen pregnancy is a growing occurrence. Instead of looking at why this is happening, something as small as an artist’s expression thru music gets blamed. If a kid has blue hair and piercing the kid gets type casted as an alternative listening depressed kid. This isn’t always true. Music is merely an expression, just as clothing and hair styles. In this ever expanding society, every child and person can find some type of music they relate to and that helps them get thru an event.

Not only does music help an individual get thru an event. It helps a society to teach. Children learn about historical events, the 50 states, and many other things thru song. The fact that music is variable and culturally relevant means that it appeals to everyone. It is a universal language that has been around since the time man could bang rocks together and will be around until the time we no longer exist.

In my opinion music isn’t to blame for a bad or good society. Music is the mere reflection of a society; it is the expression of the cultural soul.